2007

It seems a little hard to believe that 2007 is coming to the end. Somehow, in my mind, it seems that 2006 just passed not too long ago. Perhaps my mind is still stuck in the past. Perhaps I am still lingering on too many things.

2007. I cannot say if it was better or worse than 2006, but it was not a good year.

It seems I've wasted another year of my life. I cannot think of anything productive that I've done. Perhaps I've taken a step towards certain things, but the results of my efforts (or lack of) are still yet to be determined. Perhaps I have also taken a dangerous step forward in other steps of my life. For better or worse? For now, it seems worse.

So, what can I remember...

Feb 1. I was kicked out of the game without an explanation. And after the entire year, it seems I am still (and forever will be) disqualified.

July 14. MCAT. I wouldn't say it was as hard as I expected, but it was definitely one of the most stressful and frustrating days of the year. To finish it off, the results were not good. Having said that, at this point in time, I know I really don't have a reason to do it again.

Aug 26. Last day of camp. This was perhaps one of the most memorable days of the year, in a good and bad way. It was the first time in my life that I was outside late at night and early in the morning for the sole purpose of watching the stars and sunrise. A good experience. But what made it most memorable to me was what we were thinking at the time. Perhaps there is something magical about the sun and stars. All five of us were thinking of a special person in our lives...

It's been another 12 months. I still care. I still think. I still feel. Perhaps I can never do enough to prove myself, but I can very honestly say that there was never a day when anything changed in my mind.

A while ago, I told myself that tonight I would go to bed early and attempt to sleep through this day, so that my mind would not be on certain things. But here I am. I could not get myself to go to bed, because a part of me still childishly hopes for something. And in a few hours, when I finally wear myself out enough to fall asleep, I will regret it, because I've again made the mistake of hoping, which leads to more disappointment and pain than anything.

Tonight, as I sit here, I still wish for the same things I wished for a year ago. The only difference is that this year, it all seems much further away. Perhaps I also purposely chose to pick up a new toy today. I should be excited, but I am more afraid to touch it, because everything about it plays on my emotions.

Two years. I can't help but wonder if it was what happened then that makes my sincerity questionable. If I could re-live the moment, I would try to be a little braver, because some things are just too important.

I know I don't have the chance or the privilege to speak anymore. I wish for one thing tonight. I wish that I could spend the last second of 2007 and the first second of 2008 with a special person. But a wish is nothing more than a wish.

Nobody will never receive my messages, but I will still send it out here.

From the bottom of my heart...Happy New Year.

House of Sounds

It was the first time in my life that I walked into one of these stores with a purpose, and this place truly amazed me. Everything from the freedom, to the products, to the people, all made it seem like a magical place to me. Despite the fact that I cannot afford most of the things in the store, just being there was somewhat satisfying.

Perhaps I went there today with a second (subconscious) purpose...

I only know of this place because of a certain person. Who else could possibly qualify to help me out? I don't want to be there with anyone but that person.

But before I start dreaming (again), my dilemma...left or right?

Half a Soul

Still half conscious...
And half sane...
And half sick...

Where did I lose myself?

Can someone find the missing piece for me?

你最近還好嗎

挑一張耶誕卡寫上滿滿祝福的話
地址寫的是心底 你能不能收到它

有再多的牽挂都已沒有權利表達

Perhaps I am not even worth a few words.
Perhaps I deserve to be ignored because I've hurt other people too many times.
Perhaps I will never be more than just some kid who happened to pass by.

I've never tried so hard to win the attention of someone. I've never gone out of my way to try and please someone. I've never missed someone so much that it makes me cry.

Did he ever make it to his destination? Did he get taken in or has he been left on the streets? I told him so much, but will he remember to tell it his new master?

Perhaps wishing for the chance to speak is too much to ask for...

If I can have one wish this Christmas, I hope that the little guy will make his new master smile.

This is a phrase that I no longer understand, but hopefully it still has some meaning to my little friend's new (and rightful) master...

Merry Christmas.

Half Conscious Wishes

After five cups of caffeine yesterday, I slept for ten hours, or so to speak. Within those ten hours, I woke up no less than five times. Every time I managed to close my eyes, I would wake up with a dream...

All of today, I've been half asleep and half awake. If I had my way, I would not have gotten out of bed at all. I chose not be entirely awake today, because I know my mind is running off in all directions and I would just make myself cry, which in the end, was inevitable.

There's very few people around today. Everyone has places to be and people to be with. And here I am, not worth anything to anyone, not worth anything to my own family, and definitely not worth anything to the person that means the world to me.

I wonder where people are. I wonder who they're with. A part of me is jealous of whoever...

And most of all, I wonder if it would ever occur to anyone that tonight I am hurting and that there are tears in my eyes because I miss them so much.

突然剩我捱下去
即將葬身歡騰鬧市　電話為何仍未響
突然害怕難面對
雙雙友好噓寒問暖　自己仍然無伴侶
佳節熱鬧倒數像諷刺著我

誰人像我一個人誰人沒氣力談情
避免感觸太多感覺太亂難清醒
成全幸福的拼圖　人潮中我漸忘形
這天燈飾照閃　假使你在旁
今天應該更高興

Fading

I knew it was pointless to ask, and I knew that you would never come. But, still, I can't help feeling sad and disappointed. Every time I try, I know that chances are I would be disappointed, but a part of me still hopes for a miracle. And every time, in return, it hurts just that much more.

Perhaps I am not worth the time. Perhaps there are better things to do.

Perhaps there is someone else...

Mistake?

I thought I could not care, but I can't. I thought I would regret not doing anything, but now a part of me regrets that I did do something.

也許...我又做錯了......

明知是會令自己失望的﹐為什麼我還是要去做﹖

Out of Order

When I passed by today, only 50m away, would my little friend, at that moment, be coming out to greet his new master?

='(

What in the world is wrong with me today? I cannot do anything right. My head is throbbing. My heart is racing. I'm frustrated. I'm shaking. I want to cry. I want to tear myself apart.

And I don't have a f**king clue why.

希望

希望我今天做的事不會是令人討嚴的。
希望我還有能力令人開心。
希望......

其實...我已經對所有事沒什麼希望。

What If...

What would you think if I purposely crashed the car?......because I've had the urge to do that many times.

What would you think if I went to sleep one night and never wake up again?......because I have no strength left to play this game.

What would you think if I stood in front of you and stabbed myself?......because that is precisely what I want to do.

What reason do I have to be alive?

Addicted to You

In today's lecture about drug addiction, the prof ended off stating what he thought was the best way to treat drug addictions: Wipe out the memory of euphoria brought on by the drugs and there is no longer a reason/need to seek the drug.

I 'laughed' at that because it was so similar to my own thoughts about something else...

有人跟我說曾經擁有是一件好事。但對我來說﹐就是因為曾經擁有所以更加掛念﹐更加痛。若真的要把所有事放低﹐除非能把種種的記憶忘記。

但這是沒有可能的事。

我也不願這樣。

Invisible Wall

There is one thing that we said that I will always remember, because it gave me a lot of mixed feelings. Although there was a certain amount of warmth to it, it also carried with it a great amount of sadness...

You said that I am never quite close enough even when I am in your arms. My reply was that no matter how tight I hug you, it still doesn't feel like enough.

I really meant that. Every time, I would try to hug you as tight as I could and refuse to let go. Yet, it seemed that I could never get close enough, and time would always run out.

Today, I read something..."I've waited a long, long time, all my life -- and now that I've found you at last, I can't get near you. Why is it? Tell me."

And all of a sudden, I finally realize why I/we felt that distance...

In My Arms

Two years ago, for the first time in the 19 years of my life, I took a little furry friend to bed with me. I never thought about what it meant at the time, but since then, I did realize. Despite being oblivious at the time, this rather childish action gave me a very warm and sweet feeling.

Last night I did the same thing again, but it was not the same. That feeling was no longer there, and I could only remember it in my mind. The act, and the furry friend, were somewhat comforting. But instead of that warm fuzzy feeling, the only thing I could feel were the tears welling up in my eyes.

Am I doing something stupid again?

Push and Pull

"明白叫你太煩的不是愛"

An interesting story lead me to this familiar phrase...

All of a sudden, everything that I had decided a few days ago seems wrong again.

我這樣做會令你更討嚴嗎﹖

I only want you to know that I still feel for you. But will my actions push you away even more?

------

I can't remember when it was. It might have been that very first time that we met. We must have printed something off my laptop. Ever since then, your printer has been installed on my computer.

My computer has been spontaneously trying to send to your printer lately. Are you receiving it?

*sigh*

Crossed Off

For I don't know how many times, someone has asked me why I have a strikethrough in my name on MSN. Like all other times, I only said it was random playing around with the fonts.

The real reason......

Perhaps only I will know.

Perhaps there is the possibility that person who I want to know knows.

最真感覺

When I told a certain person about my worries a few days ago, she thought that they were irrelevant. She told me that I should go and do what I feel, regardless of what reaction I expect to get. At least then, there won't be any regrets.

Perhaps she is right. I regret too much already. Why worry about something that I will probably never know and cannot control? Just do it, and hope for the best.

"Jump the time. Get a life. 超越時間, 超越規範, 衝向自己內心深處, 尋找最真感覺。"

密友

Do people come together because of similarities or differences? I don't know. But it seems that common ground has a way of changing relationships.

I've 'known' this person for probably three years, but it wasn't until early this year that we actually met. I never really took much interest in talking to her, because to me she seems a little childish. But recently, we've been talking regularly...because it turns out we are both stressing out over the same thing.

For the last little while, I had suspicions about what I read in her blog. Finally, one night we started a casual conversation. She told me about her relationship problems, and confirmed what I had thought. For whatever reason......in return, I told her about my stuff. And it turns out that she also had suspicions about me.

She has fallen for a best friend. The friend already has a partner, but also treats her as much more than a friend. So does she have a chance?

And me...I cannot let go. I know very well what it is that I want, but will the world let me have it? Will you still let me in?

It seems we are both stuck. There's no going forward, and no going backwards.

很久沒有聽容祖兒的歌。無聊拿來聽﹐發現了......"密友"。

彼此間再親　而在眼裡都不配襯
如若靠近　途人便會指控變犯人
即使關了燈　誰又介意家中接吻
然後一吻　無奈讓我醒覺有別人

............

我　暗地裡豁出去
見面也於家裡
可惜那字句仍沒法擊退
與密友愛不對
與密友欠登對
反對　若這樣愛的情侶

............

很自然地想起hocc的歌......

能成為密友大概總帶著愛

很自然...想哭......

Love: Past, Present, Future

What does it mean to love someone? What is a promise? What is commitment?

How is it that people can say they really love someone one day, and then don't feel upset at all after breaking up the next day? Was the relationship so unimportant that you did not take it to heart at all? Then how can you say you loved someone? How can people take these things so lightly?

If I say 'I love you', it is because I mean it with all my heart. To me, that in itself implies a certain amount of commitment. If I did not mean it, or if I was unwilling to make a commitment, I would not say those words. That is partially the reason why it is so hard to say those three words. I need to be completely sure about myself, because I do not want to hurt you.

Am I taking it all too seriously? Am I putting in too much and expecting too much? Perhaps it was never meant to be so serious? I'm just not sure anymore. But a part of me believes that I would not fall for anyone who did not also take the four-letter word seriously.

'Love', this English word: like other English words it has tense. 'Loved' or 'will love' or 'have loved'. All these specific tenses mean Love is time-limited thing. Not infinite. It only exist in particular period of time. In Chinese, Love is '愛' (ai). It has no tense. No past and future. Love in Chinese means a being, a situation, a circumstance. Love is existence, holding past and future. [A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers, Xiaolu Guo]

Should I still believe?

想得太遠﹖

My mind is running away......

I hate this time of the year. I hate this weather. I hate all the things that happen in my life.

For the last few weeks, I couldn't help noticing the colourful leaves. The things that I wanted to do two years ago still haven't been done. I don't think there's the chance anymore. But I can't help wishing. I can't help feeling sad.

It started to snow this week. While driving through the first snow of the year Tuesday night, I couldn't help remember something that someone said to me. Everything just rushed into my mind again. It makes me want to cry all over again.

Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I've never stopped thinking, never stopped wishing, and never stopped feeling sad. I simply don't know how to.

I'm guessing at what this game has become. On my part, I've thrown myself into this and there's no way to fix it. But what goes on out of this house and when I'm away, I have no way of knowing. And after all this time, I still cannot understand why it turned out like this. Why is it that the person I trust most, that I've opened up to, does not trust me?

Yes. I still wonder where you are and what you're doing. Somewhere along the way, I've grown so used to knowing that it makes me scared not to know. Are you okay? Are you safe? Are you well? I wish I could know. But at the same time...do you still want me to know? Do you still care that I care? Are you still willing to let me in?

And amidst all that, I question myself. What am I thinking? What am I feeling? What do I want? What am I supposed to do? What do I want to do? Perhaps I know the exact answers to all of these, but how do I make it happen? Do I still have the right and the privilege to all these things? Am I of any worth to anyone?

Have I taken this all too seriously? Did you mean for me/you to be so serious? But this, in itself, is a serious matter. I cannot deal with it any other way, and I believe you would think the same. Did I and am I expecting too much? But I only expect and want more because my heart tells me it was mutual. Am I the only one still hanging onto this?

Every now and then, things hit me and I realize the seriousness of everything. Most of all, I suddenly realize how much I didn't understand and how much I had missed. A few days I go, I noticed a line of lyrics in a song..."他還不懂 還是不懂 離開是想要被挽留". All of a sudden, I can't help thinking if I've done the wrong thing, if I've missed my chance. Is that what I was supposed to do? Is that what you wanted from me?

是我想得太多嗎﹖

Empty Tank

Finally...tonight there is no real immediate rush to do anything.

Since early last week, it's been nonstop studying...to the point that my head is no longer functional. Tuesday night was the act sci test. Wednesday morning was the systems pharm test.

Act Sci was, for the most part, fairly easy. But I still messed up in the stupidest way. After days and days of doing problem sets without any problems, I somehow managed to install into my head a wrong formula. The test was easy enough that I stood a good chance of getting 100%. But being the idiot that I am, I will be getting significantly less than that. F**k.

Systems Pharmacology. After writing a 90 mark test in 50 minutes, everyone was either speechless or depressed. What drug can irreversibly block acetylcholine receptors? What anti-microbial drug can be used to treat TB and is a CYP450 inducer? I don't know. I haven't put so much time and effort into studying in a while, but for this test I was literally studying every minute I had...on campus, on the subway, at work, etc. And still, it was another disaster.

This is exactly why I am sick of school, sick of trying, sick of fighting. No matter what it is, and how hard I try, I can never win.

After the entire week of endless nights, I actually got to sleep yesterday. I haven't slept so much in day for a long time...5 hours in the afternoon, and another 5 hours at night...yet I still feel dead tired all of today.

I've worn myself out in every way possible. Why is it that my mind is still running off on me?

x_o

Systems Pharmacology......is what everybody will be having nightmares about this weekend...

Why?......well....I've looked at 1.25 lectures and there's been 30+ drugs to memorize....and there's 20 lectures in all, so possibly a couple hundred drugs?...plus 6 journal articles.

I always feel unprepared for exams, but this one seems to have got me in a panic....because I know I am VERY not ready for this one...5/10 on 2/3 quizzes is telling me this isn't going to be pretty.

F**k.

Happy Halloween?

A few years back, Halloween was somewhat fun. I can still remember going out in one of the nicer neighbourhoods and coming back with everything from cookies to cans of pop. And then we'd watch movies until someone got freaked out, which was disappointing because I never got to see the ending. Despite the fact, it was all good.

In more recent years, a friend and I took a bunch of kids out. They have fun. And it's nice to see how happy they are with their loot.

Today...I almost completely forgot that it's Halloween...my stress level is through the roof...I can't sleep...I'm in need of sleep, and a break, and other things I can't have...but we're just getting started......

There was one good thing today......the genetics midterm turned out surprisingly well! But that relief lasted no more than 5 minutes.

Things to do: (1) tomorrow's interim report; (2) tomorrow's lab prep; (3) tomorrow's rat surgery prep; (4) act sci problems; (5) act sci midterm; (6) systems pharm quiz; (7) systems pharm papers; (8) next week's system pharm midterm; (9) final microarray report; (10) genetics assignment; (11) motis meeting paper......and whatever else I'm forgetting......

And of course, on top of all that is an even bigger problem that will never go away......

I've noticed two things about myself lately: (1) I've started living off caffeine; and (2) I've developed a hate for that green backpack.

This morning, someone said "Happy Halloween" to me. For whatever reason, I just had the urge to cry......

Well...whatever. I'm ranting to myself. There's nobody around to care...as always.

Without End

What is a story without an ending?

Does the story linger on until an ending can be found?
Or does the story simply cease to exist?

......

Genetics?

Today's Motis Meeting article:

"A functional circuit underlying male sexual behaviour in the female mouse brain."

How ironic......

Maybe I am -/- for some gene that is homologous to Trpc2?

......

The Hardest Thing

There was an e-mail forward in my inbox today entitled "The Friendship Bracelet"......

I cannot remember when I learned to make those bracelets. It must have been over ten years ago. But from then until now, I've only seriously made bracelets for three people. The first was my childhood best friend. The second was my cousin. The last was......

Ironically, none of these people are in my life anymore.

The e-mail was not all that interesting, but one thing did catch my attention...a 'did you know':

Did you know that the three hardest to things to say are...
1) I love you.
2) I'm sorry.
3) Help me.

Unfortunately, I do know that, and I know it all too well.

I love you. I'm sorry. Help me.

Can you hear me?

Me vs You

You can say what you want. You can yell at me a million times.

I don't want to hear it. I'm not going to care.

It doesn't change anything.

F**k...but I do care...because it hurts like hell that all these things are coming from the people I love and care about most.

Why is it that you cannot understand that what makes me happy is not all the things you want for me?

End of Conversation

I know perfectly fine what I'm doing. You're the one in denial. It's not that I don't talk to you. It's that you are unwilling to hear what I said.

I've said everything that I need to say. There's not much else I can say. It wasn't what you wanted to hear. It wasn't the answers you wanted. And so you choose to pretend you didn't hear it and blame me for not talking to you.

I refuse to say the things you want to hear, because it would be a lie to you and to myself. If you refuse to speak to me because of that, that is your choice. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but maybe it's time for you to realize that some things are out of your control.

無情

我真的那麼無情嗎﹖

Do you know that I still think of you everyday?
Do you know that I wish we could still be together?
Do you know that it's you that I want by my side?
Do you know that I want to have you in my arms?

I believed.
I had faith.
I hoped.

但原來對你來說﹐我只是一個無情的人。

=(

曾經有人告訴我不要一走了之。
為什麼這個人偏偏就是這樣對我﹖

People Issues

Someone is lying to me. Isn't it obvious by now that I know?

*sigh*

Despite all my own problems, someone has asked me to help her in saving her relationship......The girl I've known for less than two months. The guy I've known for more than ten years. They've been together for a year. The girl broke it up for another guy (which I also know), but then realized she made a mistake.

Does she deserve another chance? I don't really think so. But it seems the guy still loves her.

So...now...the fate of this relationship is partly dependent on how well I can convince this guy.

Maybe I should find someone to solve my problems?

Solution

I'm dying inside, but that has never occurred to you.

How can I tell you the truth? How can I tell you anything?

If I die, then nobody needs to deal with any of this...
Perhaps that is the best solution...

I don't want to be here...

='(

Revisited

Why is it that things always get a million times worse when I already feel like shit?

It seems that you've finally realized that it was all real. But when are you going to realize that it's not just going to go away? You can tell me I've made a mistake, but who knows what I feel better than myself? You say you want to talk, but what good is it when your starting point is not to understand, but to make me change?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being an idiot. I've been abandoned and left here alone to fight something I can't win, yet I still keep at it in hopes of winning. But does the prize still belong to me? What if I'm no longer wanted?

You can all say that I'm selfish. You can all say that I've hurt you. But what about the pain you've caused me?

It hurts. It really does.

='(

The 365th day without you......

Sitting in class tonight, it suddenly occurred to me that it's been a year. It's been a whole entire year since I last saw you.

It would have been tonight that I last saw you. I had cried while on the phone with you. Although you came, my silence pushed you away and you simply dropped me off. I was angry, but even more hurt that you would do that. I did not say goodbye and we did not hug as we normally do. And for the first time that night, I deliberately didn't answer your calls. Little did I know that that would be the last time I ever saw you.

It would have been this past weekend that I last visited you. Like every other time, time was limited, but for many reasons I remember that day very clearly. We went to the mall together, and actually went into the stores to look at clothes...something that neither of us like to do. We shared an ice cream, and you complained that I ate so little.

Those were the sweet little things. But most of all, I remember the feeling of falling asleep in your arms. It was then that I realized how amazing it feels to be sleeping next to a warm body, next to someone you love. I wrapped my arms around you and snuggled in close. You asked me what was wrong, but I didn't give you an answer. What I really wanted to say was "I love you."

='(

Nostalgia

Sitting in class tonight, it suddenly occurred to me that it's been a year.

It would have been tonight. I was angry, but even more hurt that I'd get treated that way. I did not say goodbye and there were no hugs. And for the first time that night, I deliberately didn't answer the calls. Little did I know that that would be the last time...

I regret it. I regret that it was that way.

It would have been this past weekend that it all happened. Like every other time, time was limited, but for many reasons I remember that day very clearly. Most of all, I remember the feeling of falling asleep very comfortably. It was then that I realized how amazing it feels to be sleeping next to a warm body...

What I really wanted to say was......[...........].....

='(

untitled

Are they the lucky ones?
Or am I just the unlucky one?

And the wait begins...

Everything has finally been submitted. And now I am almost $1000 down the drain.

All there is to do now is wait. And hope that I'll have a little bit of luck.

At some point at the beginning of the last three weeks, I had a little bit of confidence and a little bit of enthusiasm about all this. But by Friday of this week, and right now, I have completely lost interest in this whole thing. A month ago, when I realized that I have a good chance of not succeeding in this process, I really did feel sad. But perhaps, deep down inside, I really don't want this all that much. Perhaps I'm doing this for all the wrong reasons.

Not too long ago I found out that BW has become one of them. Why am I not surprised? If there's anyone out of the 'speds' that I could lose to, it would definitely be her.

Do I have a chance? Can I win that green bag? And if I manage to get the green bag, do I still get that other gift that someone once promised me?

I guess It really doesn't matter what happens anymore. Nobody would care, and it wouldn't make a difference to anyone.

There has been one amusing thing in this process. Tonight, seconds after I had submitted everything, 911 appeared outside my window.

How ironic...

nuit blanche

"The all-night contemporary art thing..." as they call it.

The first time I heard of this event was last year, the first time it was run in Toronto. I don't remember where it was I saw the posters, but I do remember what I thought at that moment.

Nuit blanche. It's definitely not an event for everyone. And within my world, it'd be pretty hard to find someone who'd be willing to sacrifice a night of sleep to stroll the streets and look at 'things' nobody can understand. But that's the type of stupid, pointless thing I like to do.

Early this week I saw posters for the event again. Once again, I can't remember where it was, but I do know I had the same thought as last year.

Il y aura-t-il jamais une chance?

......

今天早上經過了一個地方。

原來...我還是會哭。
原來...還是很痛。

The Missing Stretch of Time

"When exactly do we go from being kids to being......just people? I'm not sure. I do know that it's not about turning a certain age or graduating from school. It happens when we're not paying attention. We go from playing with our friends......to playing with our friends' feelings. Without our knowledge or consent, childhood slips away in the night and our innocence escapes us." (Will, Young Americans)

Guitars and Voices

Every time I tell someone I like listening to Chet Lam and AT17, they always find that really odd. To 99% of the people, their music is weird and boring, and nobody can ever understand what I like about their music.

So Why do I like Chet Lam and AT17's music? For one thing, their live performances are enough to awe anyone. Perhaps it's their talent, or the simplicity, or the meaningful messages, but probably mostly because of the feelings and emotions attached to it.

Where can I find another person that understands?

Love, hate, and more...

Weekend Horoscope:

They say, 'You always hurt the one you love.' If that's true, how should we protect the people we care most about? Do we just stop loving them? Love is a mark of the highest respect, yet it can become the reason why two people fail to respect each other's most basic needs. It is the ultimate expression of empathy, yet it can sometimes give rise to the most intense experience of isolation. Now, what about the love/hate relationship that you now seem to be so hopelessly caught up in? Who is it hurting?

You never know what it's like to get hurt until someone you love stops loving you.
You never know what it means to be lonely until someone you love walks out of your life.

Can you love and hate someone at the same time? Can you love someone by not loving them?

But how do you stop loving someone? I don't know how to do that.

Stories

It's amazing what you can find on the internet...

There are lots of interesting stories on the net, but none was as shocking as the one I read yesterday.

My question is......how much does the writer really know about the story?

Oblivious

Once again, I feel like the biggest idiot in the world today......

If I have read and understood everything correctly, somebody knows something about me that I didn't know she knew.

So...not only have I made a complete fool of myself over the past year, but I've also been lied to by two people that I have come to trust.

Now what?

Safe in Your Arms

原來那種感覺就是安全感。

Under the Covers

In a random conversation today, we talked about sleeping. No. Not sleeping with people. Just sleeping. At some point in time, we came to the topic of blankets and duvets. I had mentioned that I never sleep without a blanket/duvet, even when it gets hot, because it feels awkward. The response I got to this was "因為無安全感".

安全感。I've never really thought about this term before.

All of sudden, it makes me think a lot of things......

Another September

And that brings to an end what should be the last summer vacation of my life. It has been an interesting summer...new people, new work, tests and exams, camp, trips, etc...

It's September again, but this time around, there is nobody to keep me going when I need it most. There seems to be a lot of things to dread this year: 400-level courses, neuro research on mice/rats, rejection, and most of all, what the uncertain future may bring.

At least all these stressful things will help keep my mind from thinking about other things.

But then again, it's more likely those other things are going to completely ruin my attempts to do anything else.

Good luck to myself.

Black Hole

A mesmerizing sunrise...
Relaxing by the water...
Sitting by the fire...
Sleeping outside...
Watching the stars...

All the things I wanted to do......

But something is still missing...
And the emptiness is stronger than ever...

='(

Fading Sounds

It seems that I have less and less to write.....

I do not feel any less.
I do not think any less.

But what's the point of writing?

Was it you?

!@#$%^&......

='(

Sinking...

Why do you all think that it's all going to go away and we can all pretend that it never happened?! Just because nobody says anything doesn't mean it's not there, doesn't mean it's over.

What the f**k is this?

Headlines

一向都不太喜歡說自己的東西。要說的就說。其他的就不必多講。

不知道從那時開始﹐很想把生活的一切告訴你知﹐很想跟你分享。

今天有好消息告訴你﹐但你還想知嗎﹖

Burning

How do I stop myself from feeling this way?
!@#$%
Why am I like this?

木紋

曲︰張繼聰
詞︰黃偉文
唱︰何韻詩

如果 一手鋸開枯樹 木不會發現痛
不過 日日澆水的我 覺得被挖空
如果 必須結束關係 難扮成從未栽種
讓我 數著年輪 這些年輪 我的心會痛

畢竟那段如沐春風
早刻進百年長的信
在信中 圈圈緊扣 情感多深厚
前因 非因 錯種

分開簡單 抹去往事極難
幾多溫馨 燭光晚餐
難以用 斧頭一劈 叫畫面飛散
伴侶沒了 記憶會為患
倚星細語 抱月夜談
歷歷在目 錄下年鑑
來年樹倒 身影孤 煙花散
年輪未可推翻 化不淡
（情長未可推翻 化不淡 ）

緣慳 但是人非草木 並不會太易慣
刻個 木造的心給我 痛苦未會減
情願 舊事連根一拔 忘滅如燃盡的炭
但我 數著年輪 幾圈年輪 已經濕了眼

分手與又平復之間
少不過百年零一晚
就怕翻風的一晚 回首貪一眼
回憶急速擴散

就怕新婚的一晚 臨終貪一眼
徒添幾分慨嘆

Does life imitate art? Or does art imitate life? Once again, hocc's new song seems to be an echo to my life. As hocc said, the song is very pop, but with Wyman's lyrics, GMO's arrangement and hocc's performance, nothing is every ordinary.

木紋......hidden stories and hidden emotions that only those involved can understand.

年輪......memories repeating again and again, growing stronger and stronger.

Memories never fade and the pain never ceases. The world can take away everything from me, but nothing and nobody can ever destroy what has been carved into the heart.

Unfinished Business

Wanting to get out of the house today, I stepped outside looking for something to do. But...

I realized someone still has my basketball. I never asked for it back, and it was never returned. Is it still sitting somewhere in somebody's closet? Or has it already become trash? Shooting hoops seems appealing, but a part of does not want to touch the ball. Will I ever have the chance to play again?

One in a Million......A Million in One

Perhaps it will never make a difference to you that there is one less person in your life. After all, nothing I can ever do can compare to what all those other people out there have done for you.

But do you know, and did you know, how much of a difference it makes to have you in my life?

Typical Taurus

I hate the way I feel......

I want to hate you, but I know I don't, and I don't know how to.

Perhaps I am the typical Taurus. I have never fallen for anyone before, nor did I expect to. But I always knew that if I did, I would never be able to pull myself out of it. If something or someone can truly take a piece of my heart, the piece is lost forever.

With all my heart......
[......]

刺

不知道為什麼......
突然感到很不開心﹐很痛.......

One Man War

On this Friday the 13th, I went and wrote the MCAT. Who would go and do a thing like that? Obviously, nobody. That would explain why after sitting by the computer for three days, this was the only seat I could get. While waiting to be registered, many people thought that this Friday the 13th would bring good luck. No. I don't believe that. In fact, I don't believe anything. I don't know how to be positive about anything. And I don't know how to have hope in anything.

So, as expected, it was a horrible day. I had to make the drive down to Hamilton after about 3 hours of sleep. The checking-in process took an hour, so I started an hour late. The fucking computer wouldn't work properly. I was blank. I didn't know anything. Some assholes came in and discussed what was wrong with the computers while we were still writing. The stupid confirmation sheet at the end would not print. I had to drive home, and got stuck in traffic for 3 hours.

OK. I can cope with that. Because none of that was the thing that hurt me most......

MCAT is the longest professional school entrance exam (~5 hours). And through all of this, I didn't get a single word of encouragement from anyone. The folks at home...everyone is just too busy getting angry at each other to care. Plus, nobody in this house thinks I can do it anyways. [Including myself.] But all this time, I had always believed that at least one person would care enough to send me wishes. I was wrong.

Two years ago, because everything seemed to be going downhill, I had already given up on the idea of MCAT and everything that follows. But not too long after, I received a gift and a card that made me cry. That was the first time that I received some real encouragement. It was because of that gift that I told myself I can still do it. It was because of that gift that I still went and did this today. Unfortunately, I can't help but wonder if that gift, which is so important to me, still has the same meaning.

But a part of me is feeling guilty for thinking that......

You said you'd always be there for me. I should have faith in you. But sometimes I don't know how to believe when I don't have anything.

But somewhere deep down inside, I know my heart still believes......

Circle

Taurus horoscope for July 6, 2007 by Jonathan Cainer:

" 'Fool if you think it's over...' So goes the old song. That's well observed. Never, really, do we make a clean break with anyone or anything. We can act tough. We can refuse to look back. We can draw the line and then stay on our own side of it. But a part of us will always wonder. And another part of us, no matter how hard we try to keep it in check, will always retain some of the passion that it once felt. You, though, are no fool. Something is not yet entirely over but nor is it starting again."

He must be laughing at me......

I should really stop reading these things......

Road to Torture

As the family across the street happily packs up their van and heads out for the long weekend, I was here dreading the fact that we, too, will be heading out tomorrow morning.

I love trips. I love traveling. But not when certain things still fill up my mind.

I don't want to go to a place that we talked about. I don't want to do something that we never had the chance to do together. I don't want to have to pretend I'm fine when it's killing me inside.

Can I just be alone?

626

June 26 has developed a significance to me in the last few years......

Three years ago today, I saw hocc perform for the first time. The performance probably lasted less than 20 minutes, but I was mesmerized.

More importantly......I believe......that three years ago, on this day, our path crossed for the first time, without us knowing.

Joke vs. Miracle?

Less than 24 hours after the wedding, someone in the family has left.

Is this a joke? Why must the joy and celebrations end like this?

Is this a miracle? After seeing the family and the celebrations, she can finally go in peace.

RIP...

{pray}

White

So...that kid that stayed at our house in the summer 14 years ago and taught me to rollerblade just got married today!

Congratulations Henry and Becky!

This is perhaps the fourth time I've been to a wedding. The first time, I was too small and cannot remember anything. The second was my aunt's wedding. All I can remember is feeling awkward in a dress and being completely exhausted from holding the heavy bouquet of flowers. The third one was about two years ago, and there was nothing quite memorable to me. Today, a million things went through my mind.

I remember the words that someone had said to me after attending a wedding last year. The words hurt, partly because of the unfortunate truth of those words, but more so because that this person thought this.

People often talk about giving their partner some sort of recognition through marriage. But does a ceremony and a piece of paper confirm your relationship? The most important thing is what comes from within, and that is something that only the people involved can confirm with one another.

What is the purpose of marriage? What does it mean to love someone? How do you love someone? How do you prove that you love someone? What gives us the right to love someone? How do we decide who we can or cannot love? Can it ever be wrong to love?

Secrets of the Heart

June 20, 2007 horoscope on astrology.com:

"Love is deeply private and very passionate today, with the current planetary configuration. Even if everyone knows of your relationship with a certain person, they certainly do not realize how deeply in love you actually are, and perhaps you do not either until an event that occurs today makes you realize exactly what is going on. You may choose to keep this a secret a while longer."

Can you mess with my head any more than this?!?!

Revelations

Because of your influence, it seems I've somehow developed the habit of reading horoscopes every now and then. Of course, after a while, you realize nothing they predict ever actually happens. Despite that, you still hope that all those good things will still come true.

In this week's weekly horoscope, the last sentence reads, "Saturday, a friend comes back into your life."

If there's anything I want to hear from a horoscope reading, it has got to be this. Unfortunately, judging from the plans for Saturday, this prediction seems highly unlikely. How about Sunday?

*sigh*

If I can have one accurate prediction, please make it this one......

Waiting...

...for something?
...for nothing?
...for...?

Not sure what I can do.

Please...

='(

它

今天無意中見到它......

送它給你時覺得很幼智﹐不知道你有沒有這種想法。但對我來說﹐它代表著很多東西﹐應該就是最好的禮物。

它還陪著你嗎﹖
它還睡在你身邊嗎﹖

......

Ink

Not knowing what to do with myself last night, I came across Miami Ink. Having seen numerous commercials, I had always that it was a stupid show. But I take that back.

Why would anyone want to watch a series that repeatedly shows tattoo artists giving people tattoos?! It turns out the show has much more than that. I was impressed by the creativity of the tattoo artists and also touched by the stories of their clients. A lot of people want tattoos because it looks cool, but many more people get tattoos because of an experience, a place, a pet, a person, etc.

If it is something that important to you that you would be willing to get a permanent tattoo of it, I doubt you would need the tattoo to remind you of it. Perhaps it is an form of expression, something you want to tell the world. But more than anything, it serves as a way to keep a piece of something with you, forever, and there is no way to keep something closer than on your own body.

I never really said anything when you told me you had the urge to get a tattoo. Perhaps that might have disappointed you, but did you know that I was smiling inside? You always mentioned getting matching accessories, and of course, naturally, I was thinking matching tattoos. People always say that tattoos of names or matching tattoos are stupid, because tattoos last longer than relationships. Looking at my own life, that seems to be very much true. Ideally, I want to have a matching tattoo, but the chances of that being possible (forget happening) are probably less than zero.

But I still want a tattoo.....one that only I would know the significance and meaning of......one that would allow me to keep a piece of you.....

Waking Up to Nothing

Why do I want to wake up? I don't have an answer. Do I even want to wake up? A part of me says no.

Two years ago, I think I would have said that I wake up for my family, for a very special friend, and for the possibility of success. But now, it seems I have lost all these things.

So what is there to wake up to?

又是我的錯﹖

我選擇令自己開心的﹐錯嗎﹖
我不想令你難過﹐錯嗎﹖
我為奇他人著想﹐錯嗎﹖
我擔心你﹐錯嗎﹖

為什麼我做每一件事﹐你都不滿意﹐都認為是多餘的﹖我也想把一切做好一點。我真的有努力過。但我真的很累﹐心裡很痛﹐你又會知道嗎﹖

Heartache

Can someone tell me how to stop this?

很痛...

Imprints

Tonight, on a program discussing memory, it was mentioned that emotional memories are the ones that we naturally remember and don't forget.

I never really purposely try to remember anything, but somehow, every little detail seems to constantly stick in my mind. From the smallest, most insignificant things, to the things that were said, to the special days and special moments. I can remember it all so clearly, and the images keep running through my head.

How can I even start to forget?
How can I tell myself to let go?

Invisible

Every time I see that model and make of car go by, I always take a quick glance at the license plate to see if it would be you. Perhaps it is stupid. Of the millions and millions of cars out there, what are the chances that I would run into you? Of the 5 years that I've been driving, since when have I seen a familiar car on the streets? Never.

But today, as I went up the road, heading in the opposite direction was a familiar car, a familiar plate, and a familiar face.

And I could not do a single thing except watch it all go by.

It's been over six months since I last saw you......and it turns out this is how I get to see you again: from a distance, and with you not noticing at all.

I can't decide what hurts more: Having the person you love walk off on you? Or having the person you love go by you and not noticing you at all? Or seeing the person you love right in front of you and not being able to do anything?

擔心

今天再一次哭了......

幾個月沒有跟你談話﹐已經不知道你怎樣了。

心裡有點擔心......

你生活得好嗎?

Fish Without Water

Fish said, 'You cannot see my tears, for I am in the water'.
Water said, 'I can feel your tears, because you are in my heart'.

Fish is still crying, but it seems that Water has disappeared.
Has Fish been removed from Water's heart?
Can Water still feel Fish's tears?

='(

This Little Gift

I have a little gift for you.
Nothing special and nothing nice.
Perhaps even stupid and childish.
But I really want you to keep it.

Should I send it? Do you want it?
Or would you trash it without even looking?

Was it wrong for me to not do anything?
Have I disappointed you by not doing anything?
Were you expecting something from me?
Did you want to receive something from me?

I'm sorry.

='(

別要張開雙眼

無論熱戀中﹐失戀中﹐都永遠記住第一戒﹕別要張開雙眼。

愛情確實是麻目的好﹐若然太理性﹐那就不是愛情。

(From JW's blog)

Sparkling Lights & Explosions

Fireworks......

The sparkling lights in the night sky......a sight that has always been enchanting and mesmerizing every time.

But tonight, it has somehow turned into something unbearable......

Explosive sounds from all around......each another reminder of you, and another stab at my heart.

='(

Late

Another dream......

I was all dressed and ready to go. So I stood by the window, waiting for you. When you finally pulled up, I saw that you had a new car. I was excited and eager to hear all about it from you.

Something or someone held me up in the house, and I left you waiting outside. Eventually, I was finally able to get out of the house.

But......you were gone.

What does it all mean? I seldom remember anything from my dreams. But last night, for a second time, I had a very vivid dream, and you were the one in it. Why?

Where are you, my dear friend? Perhaps you never want to be a part of my life again, but please, I just want to know you're okay.

='(

Escape

If I was a little less considerate, I would ask a stranger at a bus stop for a cigarette. There is something about the action of smoking that seems to let you burn all the sorrow and pain away.

If I was a little less sensible, I would allow myself to get drunk every night. At least if you can get yourself hung over, you wouldn't have to think for just a little while.

If I had a little more guts, I'd probably have killed myself by now...

Anything to stop the mind from wandering.
Anything to stop the heart from feeling.

Anything to numb myself...

='(

Past to Present to Future

Do you have friends in high places? Perhaps you know someone who lives in a skyscraper. It is not, now, so much a question of what you know - or even of who you know - as of where you know. You have been somewhere in the past. You have made a connection, you have understood something. Your relationship with that place is now integral to the next part of your journey through life. You may not be going back there, but something you learned while you were there is about to become valuable.

(May 15, 2007 Taurus horoscope by Jonathan Cainer)

How ironic......
What should I make of it?

Runaway

When I met up a friend a few weeks ago, I was informed that she had run away and was now living in Barrie. I did not know how to respond.

The first thing that hit me was that I am such a bad friend. I've always known that she was having trouble at home, but I have never taken the time to show that I care. So much has happened to her, but I was never there to help her out. Yet, she has taken the time to come and see me.

Another part of me felt sorry for her, that it had to come to this. I always hate to see families fall apart. Although that was not her real family, I know there are lots of people there that she doesn't want to leave behind.

Somewhere deep down was another thought, perhaps one that I should not have thought. I wondered why I did not have the courage to do the same.

Ironically, today is Mother's Day, and I am wondering why I never ran away this time last year, and why I have not decided to do it now. Last year, I sent no gifts and no cards, so that I could spare myself the pain of having it all destroyed in front of me. Perhaps I should have done the same thing today, because my attempts to do otherwise has just caused me more pain.

I don't want to be here......but where could I possibly go?

你有沒有一個屬於自己的『後台朋友』

這是一篇非常好的文章，
因為我們都已社會化深了，

所表現出來的都是想要別人羨慕的一面，
不好的都只想沉默或暗自憂傷，
夜深人靜時真的需要好好想想，

不論是最親密的配偶也好、知心朋友也罷！
你所交的朋友中是否有這種人呢？

你有沒有一個屬於自己的『後台朋友』
莎士比亞說：「人生如舞台。」
人有前台，也有後台。

前台，是粉墨登場的場所，
費盡心思，化好了妝，穿好了衣服，
準備好了台詞，端好了架式，調勻了呼吸，一步步踱出去，
使出渾身解數；該唱的，唱得五音不亂；
該說的，說得字正腔圓；
該演的，演得淋漓盡致；
於是博得滿堂彩，名利雙收，
然後躊躇滿志而回。

然而，當他回到後台，脫下戲服，卸下妝彩，
露出疲累而飢黃的臉部，
後台有沒有一個朋友在等他，
和他說一句真心話，道一聲辛苦了，
或默默交換一個眼色，這個眼色，
也許比前台的滿堂彩要受用、而且必要！

人有沒有這樣的朋友，很重要。
後台的朋友，是心靈的休息地。

在他面前，
不必化妝，不必穿戲服，
不必做表情，不必端架子，
可以說真心話，可以說洩氣話，
可以說沒出息的話，
可以讓他知道你很脆弱、很懦弱、很害怕。

每次要走出前台時都很緊張、很厭惡，
因為你確知後台朋友只會安慰你，
不會恥笑你，不會奚落你。
況且，在他面前你早已沒什麼形象可言了，
也樂得繼續沒形象下去。

人生有一個地方，
有一個人，在這人面前，
可以不必有出息，可以不必有形象，
可以暴露弱點，可以全身都是弱點，
這是很大的解放。

有此解放，人乃可以在解放一陣子之後，
重拾勇氣，重披戲服再次化妝，
端起架子，走到前台去扮演該扮演的角色，
做一個人模人樣的人物，
博得世俗的讚美，獲得功成名就的利益。

話雖如此，後台朋友並非任何人隨處可以找到。
親如夫婦，往往還不能成為「休息地」，
這可視為人的弱點不堪披露。

可見人無論生死，
都很難找到「後台朋友」，
因為他太珍貴了。
　
那你呢？有沒有這樣的一位「後台朋友」？
如果有，請好好珍惜。
用心體會，用愛感動。

用平靜的心去面對不平靜的事
用最成熟的心態來選擇自己的未來

(from 偏僻之家Blog)

Clicking around on your blog, I noticed that you replied to this post on another blog. Naturally, when I read it, you were the one that I thought of.

You've seen me cry. You've seen me weak. You've seen me do horrible things. And you are the only one that knows when I am faking a brave face when I need to face the world. In front of you, where I know I am safe, I don't know how to be that tough person that everyone else thinks I am.

Where have you gone, my backstage friend?
沒有你在身邊﹐心裡總是不能靜下來......

Passage of Time

Two years ago, on this very night, a group of us, spread all around the world, went crazy over hocc's newly plugged song.

Two years ago, I barely knew you. But I remember that on this very night, we spent hours together, chatting in virtual reality.

Months ago, you spoke of that night. You remembered everything, and reminded me of the things I had said to you.

Tonight, it is already two years later. I don't know where you are. I don't know where I stand. I don't know if any of this has any significance to you.

Do you know how much I wish you could be here?

It hurts......really does......

='(

Eraser

Erase the fears.
Erase the sorrow.
Erase the pain.

If only everything could be erased and changed as easily as writing on a chalkboard......

Put to the Test

Can't believe you said that......

After all those accusations about things that are totally unrelated and things that you know absolutely nothing about, you dare to say this to me?!

Was it supposed to be a test? To see how I would react?

Regardless......

I don't want to be disrespectful to the performers. I don't want to waste money on a show that I cannot enjoy. And most of all, I don't want to be put through the torture of all the memories and flashbacks.

Unless it is with that one special person, I never want to see a show again.

Guilt

For the last two days, I know my mind should only have been thinking one thing. But the truth is, there was a lot more going on, and they were all things that I really shouldn't have been thinking about, at least not at this time.

I feel bad. I feel guilty. In so many ways, it is not right for me to be like this.

But I cannot stop myself from thinking and feeling all those things.

I know what my priorities should be, and I always have. But I cannot let go of the importance of some other things. You can tell me I'm wrong for doing something that is hurting those around me. But you can never convince me that there is anything inherently wrong.

What a Day......

It must have been the longest day I've had in a long time.

Hours of waiting. Hours of worrying. Hours of horrible silence. And I got absolutely nothing done.

It could have been worse. A lot worse.

But I feel guilty, in a way......because all the while, I kept thinking about things that I really shouldn't have been thinking at that time.

Sorry. But I can't control it.

Endless Worries

Worried that something might go wrong tomorrow.
Worried that she will be scared tomorrow.
Worried that she is worried right now.

Worried that she's going to put me through hell.
Worried that we might see people tomorrow.
Worried that I won't be able to control my emotions.

Worried that Friday is coming real fast.
Worried that my mind is completely jammed.
Worried that I'm going to fail.

But nobody would ever know.
Nobody would ever know that I worry.
Nobody would ever know that I care.
Nobody would ever know that I'm scared.

Please...can someone just knock me out?

The Touch

This morning, as I struggled to get up, a very weird dream popped into my head. What happened in the dream was not weird, and I can even imagine the exact same thing actually happening in my life, but the fact that it felt so real was frightening. I've never remembered the details of a dream so clearly, and it has never felt so real before......

Just as you put your arms around me, I woke up......

It was so real that it seemed like I could feel the touch on my body......

If only it were real......

If only......

痛

不知道為什麼......

今天很想哭。

心裡總是很痛很痛。

=’(

Même

So...this is one of those fill-in-your-answers-and-pass-it-on things. And today I'm feeling bored and stupid enough to do it. So here it goes......

My ex......hmm...do I even have one? I don't even know who I am. And I'm not even sure if I ever had a relationship with anyone. So do I have an ex?

Maybe I should run away from everything and everyone. Enough sh*t from this life. I want out. I want my life back.

I love things that the rest of the world finds totally boring, pointless and stupid. Like walking around on the streets for no particular reason, and sitting around doing nothing, etc.

I don't understand why some people have to make things be so complicated. It's all very simple, but everybody has to make a big deal out of it.

I lose at everything, even when I felt totally confident about it before. But then again, when do I ever feel confident in anything?

People say I'm cold. Am I? Maybe you wouldn't think that if you could get inside of me. But unless you can convince me that I can trust you, you would never see the warmer side.

Love is too painful. Sometimes I wish that I would never have anything to do with anyone ever again. Me, myself and I. I don't know if I can handle having another person in my life.

Somewhere, someone is with the person I want to see. And this someone, somewhere, is never going to be me. Yes. I'm feeling jealous.

I will always remember certain things, because I don't know how to forget. And even when I try to forget, a million things and a million people will remind me about it.

Forever is a lie. Nothing lasts forever. Whoever said forever is lying to you, because they will never keep their promise for that long.

I never want to sleep, because a million things float into my mind when I lie down. But when I finally do sleep, I never want to get up, because all those same things come rushing back again.

I think the current US President is insane. Enough about politics.

When I wake up in the morning, I feel the loneliness and emptiness the most, and wonder if things will ever be different someday. Why am I feeling like this?! I hate it.

My past was too much for me to handle. The good things never lasted, and the bad things continue on forever. I'm not going to hope for the future, because chances are I'll just get disappointed.

I get annoyed when people constantly tell me things I already know. I know I'm f***ed. I know I'm a mess. I feel like sh*t already. You don't need to reinforce it.

Parties are for anyone but me. Or maybe I'd like to go to one and get drunk so I can temporarily forget everything. Yes. Recently, I've had the urge to pick up smoking and drinking and everything else that can numb me.

My dogs are nonexistent. And I don't even want one anymore. And even if I did want one, chances are I would never get one.

My cat is also nonexistent. But I wish I could have the simple, lazy life of a cat. Can I just lie on the floor like those cats in the pictures?

Kisses are the best when......I have no clue. But for starters, it would probably be better if I could actually relax and really feel it. But who cares, it's not going to happen again anytime soon.

Tomorrow I have a f***ing exam to write, and I only started studying for it a few hours ago. Who's stupid idea was it to schedule a 3-hour exam for 7pm?

I really want to be hugged, and held, and feel the embrace. Yes. The cold, unfeeling me is longing to get close to someone. Even I am having a hard time believing that, but that seems to be the truth.

I have low tolerance for people who think they know everything, but really don't know anything at all. You're not me and you never will be. You don't know anything about what I think or feel, so don't tell me you do.

Lost in the Rain

Strong winds and a thunderstorm took down the power for several hours today. In the boring, lonely silence, many things came to mind......

Perhaps it is because we never really did much when we were together. Nine out of ten times, we sat around, mostly in silence, doing nothing in particular. This type of interaction, if you can still call it that, would bore anyone to death, yet it was always my favourite way to spend time with you. Despite the silence, you seemed to pick up everything that I was feeling. Never in my life had I ever felt so calm, so relaxed, so peaceful.

The storms are still raging and never seems to end. It seem my shelter has been blown away and I've been left alone in the rain......

How can I find my peace?

Me Day

其實今天什麼都不想說﹐不想跟任何人說話﹐不想寫﹐但又很想把心裡的一切記下來。

I never really want anything, and I never really expect to get anything, so it was rather surprising to have received greetings from ten or so people today. They all cared enough to take the time to send me their greetings and wishes. But at the same time, I felt really bad that I've never done the same in return. It's not that I don't care. I do. I just never thought I was of any significance to these people.

Another surprise was that I got gifts from certain people. Again, I am in shame that I've never done the same for them. No, it's never because I don't care. I do care, very much so, and I always do think of giving gifts to them. But I can never find something meaningful to give. Perhaps that sounds like some sort of lame excuse, but that is the truth. I wish I knew how to show all of you that I care. Please...I might be emotionally challenged and don't know how to express myself, but I do care.

It was a very nice gift. In fact, I was planning to buy something of the sort for myself, but never got around to. But everything about that particular gift drives me crazy. I love it, but a part of me would rather not have it. Is this some kind of joke? This is the wrong gift, from the wrong person.

I actually have plans tomorrow evening. It's the first time in many many years that I am going out for this special occasion. I hesitated to take the invitation the other night, because I really don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. But it was a rare opportunity to see two good friends.

There seems to be lots of reasons to be happy today, but my heart still feels heavy and empty. There were lots of greetings, but there was none from the person I want to hear from most. There were gifts, but it was the wrong gift from the wrong person. There will be celebrations, but the person I want to see most will not be there.

Perhaps I can only blame myself. It was my fault that so many things happened. And I, too, did not send you my greetings.

There is nothing I want more today than to see you for two minutes, or even to simply receive a few words from you. I never really want anything from you, because having you beside me and being able to feel your presence is already enough. Despite the fact, I have always wanted to request two things from you. The first, you know about. I would really love to have recordings of your guitar playing. The second, which I don't think I ever mentioned, is a candle. But I guess neither of these will ever happen.

Tonight I wished upon a star......but the wish will never come true.

其實﹐寫的原因不是想把什麼記下來。

其實﹐寫的原因是希望你會看到﹐希望可以把一切告訴你知﹐希望你還會在呼﹐希望在你心裡我仍然有一些地位。

='(

一年又一年

18......有幾位好朋友在一起﹐都算是開心的。
19......沒什麼感覺﹐只是發覺自己很無用。
20......發生了很多事。心情很差很差。

又一年了......

21
失去的更多。
心仍是很痛。

And the Game Begins......

There's no turning back now. $250 spent. I have to do this. But chances are that hundreds and hundreds of dollars are going to get spent, and I'll end up with nothing.

I really don't think I can pull this off. I never believed, and I still don't. But I will try, and I will go through with it, because......

There are only three months to prepare, but I don't even know how to start. If things were the way I wanted it, I know I would be a lot more motivated, and a lot more confident. But......

If only......

Rant

You told me to think and plan and make decisions. So I wracked my brains out doing it.

Now I tell you my plans and you just ignore me?!

Why don't you just plan everything for me and save me the trouble? Why have me waste time doing things that will all just get trashed? Because in the end, the only thing you ever accept is yourself.

What the fuck do you want?

Journeys

Around this time last year, I made a little journey to somewhere further up north. Today, I made that same journey, to that same place. And once again, I speeded through the dark, rainy, foreign streets.

A year ago, when I made this journey, I was having the worst time of my life. My life was falling apart, and I was losing everything. The long drive was relieving and relaxing, but something was missing.

Tonight, a year later, it seems I am still stuck in the same state of mind. Everything seems calm, but all the problems are still here. I purposely made up an excuse so that I could make the journey alone, because I knew that this drive would stir up my emotions. Again, the long drive was relaxing, but the pain inside has grown and that something is still missing.

Two Toothbrushes

Not too long ago, I noticed a song on Chet Lam's album entitled "Two Toothbrushes". Immediately, a certain picture came to mind. I could not find that particular picture, but this one has a similar feeling.

Toothbrushes. For the most part, I guess it is rather rare that you see another person's toothbrush. Unless, of course, you live with them. Other than that, I really cannot think of a reason why two people's toothbrushes would be together. Perhaps that is part of the reason why this/that picture seems to portray a very intimate feeling.

I don't recall when it was that I first saw that picture, but I do remember that it made me think. I wondered what it meant. I wondered what you were thinking.

Toothbrushes......

..........

HOCC Live in Unity 2007 @ Toronto

Finally. After years of waiting, last night I finally got to see hocc's concert. Of course, hocc put on an amazing show along with her crew. But the audience failed to give her the support and applause she deserves.

Both last night and today, many people ask me about the show. And of course, I tell them that it was a great show and that I enjoyed it. Yes, it was a great show. There's no doubt about that. But no, I didn't enjoy it.

Three years ago, when I first saw hocc on stage, it was an amazing experience. But this time, at an even bigger and better show, I couldn't enjoy it. This is the show and performer that I've waited years to see, and I didn't enjoy it?!?! But the truth is...I couldn't feel the excitement, I couldn't feel the thrill, I couldn't feel anything. While everyone is still hyper and psyched over the whole experience, a part of me is regretting that I even went at all.

Is it because it was all very predictable after watching the DVD? Is it because I was too far away? Is it because I expected more from hocc? Or is it because I was hoping for more than just a show?

五千人當中......其中一個是你嗎﹖

Finally

Waited for three years.....
Finally.

Show #4

Three years ago, at that first show, we did not know of each other's existence. But I believe that at some point that night, our paths crossed.

Months later, at the second show, we were friends that had never met. But I believe that somewhere in that place, our paths crossed again.

Finally, at the third show, we sat side by side. And from that day on, without even realizing it, something very deep started to develop.

Tomorrow will be the fourth show. I thought you'd be there for sure, but it looks like this might not be the case. What will happen this time? Will you be there? Will we meet again?

I know I don't want to miss the show, but all of a sudden, I don't want to go anymore.

Shall We Talk?

No.

I say you don't listen to me, and you tell me I don't talk to you?!

How can I talk to you when you give me shit for everything that I say? What would you think and say if I told you I almost failed that test? You would not feel my sadness. You would only tell me I didn't work hard enough.

How can I tell you why I am sad when you will get angry over the things I say? What would you do if I told you that I miss a friend? You would not feel the pain. You would probably throw me out of the house.

How can I let go in front of you when you condemn me for being weak? What would you think if I told you I was struggling to survive? You would not feel my fear. You would tell me that it's my own fault.

Why would I go and do something that would give myself more trouble and make me feel worse?

I thought parents are supposed to encourage their kids? Why do I get blamed and put down for being weak?

No. I have nothing to say to you.

Emotional Deal

Faking It

In a show that I was watching recently, a girl asked her friend a very interesting question: What is the difference between humans and animals? The girl then went on to answer her own question: Humans know how to hide their feelings, animals don't.

Why do we hide our feelings? Somebody once called me 'fake' for doing so. Perhaps that is true. But is it really that simple?

Yes. I am trying to keep up an image of something that I'm not. But I don't think I'd be wrong in saying that we are all doing it. Don't we all try to act smart, look confident and make the world think that we're better than we really are? Yes, I can do that, because that is the way you survive and succeed in this world, because once the world knows you're afraid or weak, you're out of the game. And sadly, even the people closest to you will look down on you when they know you're struggling.

But if you're lucky, somewhere along the way, you'll meet that one person who will lend you a shoulder to cry on. And no matter how weak you become and how many times you fall and cry, that person will still tell you you're the best, and truly mean it.

I'm very tired. I'm exhausted.

But......

Drinking with the Stranger

In Chet Lam's latest album, there is a song entitled "Drinking with the Stranger". The very first time I read the lyrics to that song, it sounded all too familiar.

Why do people sit in bars and drink and end up telling everything to that stranger beside them? Can you really trust a stranger? I doubt anyone would. But because you think you would never in your life see this person again, it really doesn't matter what you say.

That is partly the reason why I started talking to this stranger. But somewhere along the way, I started to trust this person, despite the fact that we had never even met. And who would have guessed? Within a few short months, this stranger touched my heart in many many ways and I came to trust this person more than anyone else in my life.

Running on Empty

Again and again you get angry with me for not trying, for giving up......

No. I have not given up, and I am still trying. I made a promise to someone, and to myself, and I will try to keep it.

Does it ever occur to you that you are the one who puts me down the most? Does it ever occur to you that I want your encouragement the most? Does it ever occur to you that you've taken away my source of strength and confidence?

Perhaps you do know. But to you, that would never be a reason for you to put down certain things.

Countdown

I've been waiting years to see this show. Now there is only a week left, but I cannot feel the excitement at all. In fact, at some point last week, I really didn't want to go at all.

Undoubtedly, I believe it will be an amazing show. After watching everything for the last four years, I know this will be well worth the time, money and trouble.

But......what about other things?

Outsider

Can an outsider ever really understand the relationship between two people?

I don't think so.

No matter who you are, and how well you know me, you were never there. You can never understand the thoughts and feelings that were involved. You can never understand the significance of all the things that happened. And most of all, you can never understand that sense of connection.

Don't tell me I'm blind. Don't tell me I'm crazy. You think you know everything, but you don't know anything at all.

I might be the most indecisive person in the world, but this time, I know exactly what I feel, and I know exactly what I want.

Distance

So how small is this world?

1. Someone from my SJA group knows the sister of someone I've known since elementary school.
2. My potential supervisor for next year lived in the same residence as the doc I volunteered for two years ago.
3. My cousin's girlfriend is a customer at the place where I work, and she lives just off our street.

And how big is this world?

1. Some people live only a few blocks away, but we can never find the time and opportunity to meet up.
   
2. So many times, I've been at the same place at the same time as someone else, but we never saw each other.
3. For some reason, I never accidentally run into the people that I want to see most.

So close, but so far.

Lost Treasures

With the 'extra' time that I had today, I went and did something stupid again.

So what if I can revisit the place? So what if I can bring back all the memories? They will always only be memories, and no more. Why am I trying so hard to hold on to something that I've already lost? Why am I trying to save every last little bit of something that I cannot have?

But no luck. Either I took the wrong streets, or the shop really is gone......

Another Year

In many ways, it feels as if I have re-lived the same day. Just like a year ago, I spent the morning hours at the hospital. Just like a year ago, class was at the same place, and I sat in the same spot.

But today was very different. You did not come, and I could not send you my greetings and wishes.

A year ago, I really wanted to make this day special for you. Although I had no idea how to, I knew I wanted to do something for you. But who knew things would completely fall apart only a week before. I know I had made a promise to you a long time ago, and in the end I could not keep my promise. But I tried. Perhaps it was never good enough for you, because I know the things that I did do did not amount to anything at all, but I really tried to do what I could to make it a special day for you.

Today, I still really wish that I could make this a special day for you. But, unlike last year, I have made no attempts to do anything at all. No gifts. No surprises. No card. No message. Not even a call. It is not because I don't want to. It is not because I don't care. But because the world does not allow it. And most of all, because it seems you no longer want to receive any of it.

As I sit here, I wonder what you're doing, and I hope that you're having a great time. And somewhere deep down, I wonder if it matters to you that you haven't heard from me today, and I wonder if it ever occurs to you that I am thinking of you.

Yes, there are people out there who are always thinking of you, because I am one of them. I don't know how many people want to celebrate with you, but I want to. I don't know if other people would see it as a lost for not being to do so, but I do.

You'll never know, but I'd still like to send you my wishes in my own little way......

Happy birthday, my dear friend.

Time Freeze

I never understood why hocc's musical talked about Lo Si being stuck in time. It never made any sense to me. But I think I understand now......

During the extra bit of time I had today, I took a walk. For almost thirty minutes, I walked around, without a purpose, without a destination. All the while, I could feel the energy and rush in everything and everyone around me, but I felt as if I could barely move, as if I couldn't keep up.

Everyone and everything is flying by at the speed of light, but my world seems to have stopped.

='(

Cry IV

Today I cried......for the fourth day in a row.

The first destination of today was Hart House. I never set foot in there, except for those few times with you. I really never have a reason to be there. And now, I really don't want to set foot in there at all. All those places where we talked, where we had coffee, where we just sat around and did nothing at all. I can remember it all too well.

A few months ago I walked past that same building at night, in the cold. For whatever reason, the lights were on and the bells were playing music. It was a really nice feeling just passing by the place. But deep inside, I couldn't help feeling sad, because I wished that you were there with me.

You all say that what you do is for my benefit, for my well-being. How can that be true when you are all taking away the things I want? How can that be true when I must give up all the things that are important to me? How can that be true when I find myself crying more and more?

How can that be when I can no longer find a reason to be alive?

='(

Cry III

A year later, this same weekend, I am here arguing and crying for the same reasons.

My eyes are sore. My head is throbbing. My body is just completely worn out. Perhaps one of these days I will simply collapse and die. Or maybe one day, I'd work up the guts to just kill myself. But why would it matter? Nobody in this world would care.

I guess you've rid yourself of all this nonsense. Yes. You have every right to leave. Who am I to keep you here? What right do I have to make you stay?

But does it ever occur to you that you've left me here alone to fight a battle that will never end, a battle that I can never win?

Never mind. You don't need to care.

='(

Cry II

For whatever reason, I could not help crying again, both last night and today. I have tried not to think about anything in particular, but the urge to cry is still there. And once the tears start flowing, the mind naturally drifts off to the millions of things that are upsetting, and it just gets worse and worse.

They always say that you'll feel better after you've cried it all out. But I am still crying. And there's nobody around to care.

Cry I

In the past year, I've cried myself to sleep a million times, and woke up with swollen eyes a million times.

This morning, I woke up with the feeling that my eyes were stuck shut. After a while, I finally realized that I had probably been crying while I was asleep. It was only a few weeks ago that I learned that it is possible to cry in your sleep. And last night it happened.

I don't know why I cried. I was not particularly upset before going to bed (except for all those things that are constantly at the back of my head). And I don't remember dreaming about anything in particular. So why did I cry?

All throughout the day, my eyes were sore and watery, and still are. And finally, it all came out.

I don't even know why. Just feel the 'need' to cry.

Changes

A year later, everything is different now.
For better or for worse, I really don't know.
The one thing I do know is that I don't like it at all.

The helplessness, the loneliness, the emptiness......

='(

Luck

A lot of people will look at my life and tell me that I'm very lucky. Perhaps I am. I've had the opportunity to do things many people have really wanted. But for some reason, there always seems to be a missing piece.

I've always done fairly well academically, but now I seem to be slipping. The summer after first year, a prof/psychiatrist let me participate in his research, but he was never eager to meet with me or follow up with the project. Second year, I got myself into a highly selective research course, but the prof wasn't very amiable.

This time, the first supervisor I approach has accepted my application......but his office is at SMH. I have a good part-time job now, but I can't find myself a full-time summer job. I've been with SJA for almost 2 years now, but I've done next to nothing due to certs and schedules.

What's going to go wrong next?

For once, can everything just fall into place?

Paranoid

Physically feel like shit today......

What started out as a massive headache (migraine?) last week lead to a sore throat. By yesterday, I could barely speak. Today, I've been coughing like mad, and now my eye is sore and red.

And that sudden pain has come back....

Perhaps I've seen and heard to much. Every time something in my body feels wrong, I get paranoid that it's something serious.

I've been fairly healthy all my life. But for some reason, I always have this feeling that I will, some day, become seriously ill.....