No Fun U

A few days ago, there was an article somewhere entitled "No Fun U". It went on about how increasingly more students are not having fun at school, when it has always been believed that university or college years should be the most memorable of your life.

Well...I think I can totally understand that...

I've been off for nine days in total now, and the only times I've left the house was to go to work or go out for dinner. Four days were spent working, while the other five were spent writing and studying.

Do I need to work? For the money......no, not really. But for the experience and for making your resume look good......yes, it's 'worth' the time.

Is there really that much school work to do? Well...let's see. For tomorrow, all of the following are due:

1. Statistics midterm (3 chapters)
2. French midterm (4 chapters)
3. Biochem lab report (30+ pages)
4. Bio review article (4 pages)

To add to all of that, my mind is completely in another world and my body seems completely dead. My attention span has dropped to about 10 seconds and I can barely stay awake.

It is now 10:30pm. I have yet to finish the lab report, and yet to study for both midterms.

Try, try and try. That's all I can do.

But just like every other time......in the end, I know......

I'm gonna lose.

Have and Have Not

常常都有人說﹕“曾經擁有過已經是一件很幸福的事。”

But...

If you've never had something, you will never know what you're missing, and never know the pain of living without.

If you once had something, and no longer do, you will always live with that feeling of emptiness.

So which is worse?

Those Three Words

Listening for Love
By Jayne Fisher

There are times when we are timid and shy about expressing the love we feel. For fear of embarrassing the other person, or ourselves, we hesitate to say the actual words ‘I love you’. So we try to communicate the idea in other words. We say ‘take care’ or ‘don’t drive too fast’ or ‘be good’.

But really, these are just other ways of saying ‘I love you’. ‘You are important to me’, ‘I care what happens to you, and ‘I don’t want you to get hurt’ all mean ‘I love you’. We are sometimes very strange people. The only thing we want to say, and the one thing that we should say, is the one thing we don’t say. And yet because the feeling is so real, and the need to say it is so strong, we are driven to use other words and signs to say what we really mean. And many times the meaning never gets communicated at all and the other person is left feeling unloved and unwanted.

Why do I find it so difficult to say these three words? I mean it. I always do. But I can never seem to find the courage to say it.

Perhaps there are some people that do realize what you really mean inside, but I know that actually hearing those three words means a whole lot more......

......Because I have been blessed enough to have someone say it to me.

Enough

No. Fuck you.

Don't tell me that I don't care, when you're the one who's unwilling to accept it. Don't tell me that I did this to you, when you're the one taking all this and making it into a problem, when there doesn't need to be one. Don't tell me that I'm selfish, when you're the one who's taking away everything from me so that you can feel better.

Why should I let go of something that's important to me and have you treat me like shit? Why should I care when I get trashed in return every single time?

You want things to change, but you are the one who's not letting it happen. How do you expect things to get better when you lash out at me for everything that goes wrong in this house? I've already given up, and lost, everything, but you are still hung up on something that doesn't even exist.

No. I'm not going to tell you anything. Because, quite obviously, you know nothing about what I want and you don't give a damn.

If I had a little more guts, I probably would go and kill myself.

I wonder what you'd think then.

Child at Heart

For whatever reason, I've remembered the exact date of many things, perhaps intentionally, perhaps subconsciously, because they were special to me.

The night before, I had to do a million things to make it all work out. And when I finally did, I came back to find out that you were mad that I didn't show up. For the entire night, I wondered if you'd go without me. But of course, everything was fine in the end.

I can remember it all. From the chilly walk from the parking lot, to the shuttle bus ride, and everything in between. I never had much interest for cars. The most I could do is tell you which one looked good. But being at the show with you was heartwarming. It was here that I really saw the child in you. You climbed into every car, exploring everything, like a child in the park. But at the same time, you knew everything about them and could tell me about every little detail. The cars might not have sparked my interest much, but watching you, being with you, and knowing how excited you were, certainly made me smile, and certainly made the day memorable.

But......that was the last......

Gift or Joke?

Today I was given an important job: translating......for an old lady......and the medics.

Just......what I needed.

Can I Quit?

Every week, I seem to hate this uniform more and more. Yes, it makes you look important. But it's a million sizes too big, and even after 18 months, I still can't seem to do the job that comes with it.

And most of all...it reminds me of you.

Every week, when I put on those oversized clothes, I think about all those times that I've watched you put on your uniform and get ready to go out into the night. At every meeting, the terms "911", "EMS" and "medic" come up no less than ten times, and all I can think of is you.

And it does not end there...because tomorrow morning, I'd be at yet another place that will bring back a million memories.

The Shadow

People always say that time flies when you're having fun. And, yes, it really does. That would explain why I could spend hours and hours and hours with you and, yet, it never seems to be enough.

Every time it was time to go, I lingered around, hoping the time with you would last longer. Just when the elevator arrived, we would hug, trying to make the most of the very last moment. As the doors closed, we would both say goodbye with a forced smile.

But I know it did not really end there.

Because every time, I would look up to your window as I drove past the building, and every time, I saw your shadow by the window, watching as I drove off.

...And every time, I would smile to myself and secretly say, "I love you."

Bleeding

I guess you will never reply, and you will never write there again. Perhaps I should never have let you know that I found it and read it all. At least, that way, I could continue to read the story and keep that very last bit of you with me. But I guess I've lost that too now.

Months ago you gave me a book, telling me that it talks about how doing what you think is best for the other person does not work. But is this not what you've just done to me? Why didn't you tell me what happened? Why did you think that it would make things worse? And most of all, why would you think that I wouldn't believe you?

After two years, you suddenly take away everything from me, without even telling me why, without even saying goodbye.

Do you know how tormenting it is to know exactly where you are, and not be able to reach you? Do you know how empty it feels when I can no longer feel your embrace? Do you know how many times I've cried because I miss you?

Do you know how much it hurts?

To Be Discovered

I have always thought that I am the one who doesn't have the courage to tell you everything that I think and feel, despite the fact that I secretly wanted you to know it all. Only yesterday did I finally know that you have been doing the same. I have kept many unposted entries, and you have set up another home. Ironically, all this time, we have both been wishing that all these hidden secrets would somehow be discovered.

I cannot help wondering why we have both done this. Why couldn't we both have been more honest, more open with each other? Is it because we still do not completely trust each other? Or is it just that some things are just too difficult to say?

It was quite shocking to find and read all the things you wrote. I read it again, and again, and again. Some things made me feel guilty, some things touched my heart, but everything made me cry. I cried because I hurt you. I cried because you loved me so much. I cried because I've pushed you away, and you no longer feel for me.

I've done it again. After closing the other place, I've created a new home without telling you. But, yes, as before, I am waiting, and hoping that you would eventually find this.

原來...

What a surprise. The new year......brings me a new discovery.

I've been the biggest idiot in the world for the last six months.

原來...我什麼都不知道
原來...我一早已經令你心淡
原來...我說的一切已經對你無意思

原來...我真的不懂得去愛你

原來...你已經不會再愛我

Erase the Red

There won't be any messages.
The phone won't ever ring.
There will be no greetings to receive.
The wishes will never be sent.

If there is any colour that does not have a place in my life, it would be red.

Hypocrite

Why is it that people can seem to be so understanding of certain things, but accuse people of other things that are essentially of the same logic?

I don't understand (you).

無奈

Never

The game I can never win...
The puzzle I can never solve...
The piece I can never find...

The embrace I can never feel...

Insignificant

It's been two weeks. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting, hoping that you'd come back, hoping that you'd change your mind. I guess I never should have hoped.

You're really just going to walk off on me? You're just going to leave me here like this? Without any explanation? Without even saying goodbye?

I thought we had something? I thought it meant something?

I thought that...just maybe...I had a little bit of significance to you?

I guess I was wrong.

='(

Stabbed

Did I just get stabbed? Because it sure feels like it.

The ironic part is that nobody has done anything to me. I'm the one who stabbed myself, by saying those words that I never wanted to say.

I've come to know this feeling all too well in the last year. I hate it. It hurts like hell. It hurts more than anything I've felt before. It hurts so much that it always makes me cry. And nothing can ever make it go away.

Do you understand? I don't want you to go......

='(

Valentines

You see all the people with flowers, chocolates, and plans for the evening......and you realize how lonely you are.

What I heard today is very true......Only the losers who have nobody to love notices that it's Feb 14.

For the first time in my life, I hated this day.