Distance

So how small is this world?

1. Someone from my SJA group knows the sister of someone I've known since elementary school.
2. My potential supervisor for next year lived in the same residence as the doc I volunteered for two years ago.
3. My cousin's girlfriend is a customer at the place where I work, and she lives just off our street.

And how big is this world?

1. Some people live only a few blocks away, but we can never find the time and opportunity to meet up.
   
2. So many times, I've been at the same place at the same time as someone else, but we never saw each other.
3. For some reason, I never accidentally run into the people that I want to see most.

So close, but so far.

Lost Treasures

With the 'extra' time that I had today, I went and did something stupid again.

So what if I can revisit the place? So what if I can bring back all the memories? They will always only be memories, and no more. Why am I trying so hard to hold on to something that I've already lost? Why am I trying to save every last little bit of something that I cannot have?

But no luck. Either I took the wrong streets, or the shop really is gone......

Another Year

In many ways, it feels as if I have re-lived the same day. Just like a year ago, I spent the morning hours at the hospital. Just like a year ago, class was at the same place, and I sat in the same spot.

But today was very different. You did not come, and I could not send you my greetings and wishes.

A year ago, I really wanted to make this day special for you. Although I had no idea how to, I knew I wanted to do something for you. But who knew things would completely fall apart only a week before. I know I had made a promise to you a long time ago, and in the end I could not keep my promise. But I tried. Perhaps it was never good enough for you, because I know the things that I did do did not amount to anything at all, but I really tried to do what I could to make it a special day for you.

Today, I still really wish that I could make this a special day for you. But, unlike last year, I have made no attempts to do anything at all. No gifts. No surprises. No card. No message. Not even a call. It is not because I don't want to. It is not because I don't care. But because the world does not allow it. And most of all, because it seems you no longer want to receive any of it.

As I sit here, I wonder what you're doing, and I hope that you're having a great time. And somewhere deep down, I wonder if it matters to you that you haven't heard from me today, and I wonder if it ever occurs to you that I am thinking of you.

Yes, there are people out there who are always thinking of you, because I am one of them. I don't know how many people want to celebrate with you, but I want to. I don't know if other people would see it as a lost for not being to do so, but I do.

You'll never know, but I'd still like to send you my wishes in my own little way......

Happy birthday, my dear friend.

Time Freeze

I never understood why hocc's musical talked about Lo Si being stuck in time. It never made any sense to me. But I think I understand now......

During the extra bit of time I had today, I took a walk. For almost thirty minutes, I walked around, without a purpose, without a destination. All the while, I could feel the energy and rush in everything and everyone around me, but I felt as if I could barely move, as if I couldn't keep up.

Everyone and everything is flying by at the speed of light, but my world seems to have stopped.

='(

Cry IV

Today I cried......for the fourth day in a row.

The first destination of today was Hart House. I never set foot in there, except for those few times with you. I really never have a reason to be there. And now, I really don't want to set foot in there at all. All those places where we talked, where we had coffee, where we just sat around and did nothing at all. I can remember it all too well.

A few months ago I walked past that same building at night, in the cold. For whatever reason, the lights were on and the bells were playing music. It was a really nice feeling just passing by the place. But deep inside, I couldn't help feeling sad, because I wished that you were there with me.

You all say that what you do is for my benefit, for my well-being. How can that be true when you are all taking away the things I want? How can that be true when I must give up all the things that are important to me? How can that be true when I find myself crying more and more?

How can that be when I can no longer find a reason to be alive?

='(

Cry III

A year later, this same weekend, I am here arguing and crying for the same reasons.

My eyes are sore. My head is throbbing. My body is just completely worn out. Perhaps one of these days I will simply collapse and die. Or maybe one day, I'd work up the guts to just kill myself. But why would it matter? Nobody in this world would care.

I guess you've rid yourself of all this nonsense. Yes. You have every right to leave. Who am I to keep you here? What right do I have to make you stay?

But does it ever occur to you that you've left me here alone to fight a battle that will never end, a battle that I can never win?

Never mind. You don't need to care.

='(

Cry II

For whatever reason, I could not help crying again, both last night and today. I have tried not to think about anything in particular, but the urge to cry is still there. And once the tears start flowing, the mind naturally drifts off to the millions of things that are upsetting, and it just gets worse and worse.

They always say that you'll feel better after you've cried it all out. But I am still crying. And there's nobody around to care.

Cry I

In the past year, I've cried myself to sleep a million times, and woke up with swollen eyes a million times.

This morning, I woke up with the feeling that my eyes were stuck shut. After a while, I finally realized that I had probably been crying while I was asleep. It was only a few weeks ago that I learned that it is possible to cry in your sleep. And last night it happened.

I don't know why I cried. I was not particularly upset before going to bed (except for all those things that are constantly at the back of my head). And I don't remember dreaming about anything in particular. So why did I cry?

All throughout the day, my eyes were sore and watery, and still are. And finally, it all came out.

I don't even know why. Just feel the 'need' to cry.

Changes

A year later, everything is different now.
For better or for worse, I really don't know.
The one thing I do know is that I don't like it at all.

The helplessness, the loneliness, the emptiness......

='(

Luck

A lot of people will look at my life and tell me that I'm very lucky. Perhaps I am. I've had the opportunity to do things many people have really wanted. But for some reason, there always seems to be a missing piece.

I've always done fairly well academically, but now I seem to be slipping. The summer after first year, a prof/psychiatrist let me participate in his research, but he was never eager to meet with me or follow up with the project. Second year, I got myself into a highly selective research course, but the prof wasn't very amiable.

This time, the first supervisor I approach has accepted my application......but his office is at SMH. I have a good part-time job now, but I can't find myself a full-time summer job. I've been with SJA for almost 2 years now, but I've done next to nothing due to certs and schedules.

What's going to go wrong next?

For once, can everything just fall into place?

Paranoid

Physically feel like shit today......

What started out as a massive headache (migraine?) last week lead to a sore throat. By yesterday, I could barely speak. Today, I've been coughing like mad, and now my eye is sore and red.

And that sudden pain has come back....

Perhaps I've seen and heard to much. Every time something in my body feels wrong, I get paranoid that it's something serious.

I've been fairly healthy all my life. But for some reason, I always have this feeling that I will, some day, become seriously ill.....

Yes, No

The DVD that was bought a month ago still hasn't been watched. The things I wanted to do three months ago still haven't been done. All those things I wanted to do a year ago will never get done.

Every day is the same......get up, work, eat, sleep. It's at the point where I don't even consciously think about having the chance of doing anything anymore. Guess it doesn't matter.

Do I still want all those things?

Yes, but no.

Soundtrack of Life

For many years, I've had the habit of having music on 24/7, regardless of what I'm doing. For some, it's a distraction, but for me, it's the one thing I can enjoy while stressing out over the other million things that I need to do at the same time.

Like most people, I often try to find something that matches my mood. In the most extreme cases, Eminem is for times when I'm angry or pissed off, and Hocc is for the times when I can actually enjoy myself.

But lately, it seems impossible to find something suitable to listen to. Pop songs sound boring, rap and hip hop sound annoying, and even hocc no longer sounds as touching as it used to. I just can't seem to find something that has the right feeling.

Perhaps, the question is......what am I feeling?

Letting Go

In a recent interview, Eason Chan mentioned that one of the thing he learned lately is that in everything you do, you need to learn to let go. Whether it is circumstances, people, or anything, you have to learn to let go.

Do we ever really let go of anything? If you must tell yourself to let go, then this thing must have had some meaning and significance to you. Perhaps your mind can constantly tell you to forget about it, but will your heart let you? Can you really put it down completely? Or do we merely try to fool ourselves because it's the only choice we are given, because it's the only way we can maybe reduce the pain?

I cannot do it.

I tell myself it doesn't matter. I tell myself not to care. But it is all a lie. Somewhere inside, I do care, and it does matter. I am merely trying to fool myself.

I tell myself to put it all aside. I tell myself to let go. But how do you put something down when it has had such an impact on your life?

The whole world is hoping that I will just give it up. But give me an honest answer......have you been able to put it down yet? How can you expect me to do it when even you cannot?

Magic

How do you make something out of nothing?
How do you reduce something into nothing?

I cannot do either.
What am I supposed to do?

今天應該更高興

曲/詞﹕林一峰

突然剩我捱下去
即將葬身歡騰鬧市　電話為何仍未響
突然害怕難面對
雙雙友好噓寒問暖　自己仍然無伴侶
佳節熱鬧倒數像諷刺著我

誰人像我一個人誰人沒氣力談情
避免感觸太多感覺太亂難清醒
成全幸福的拼圖　人潮中我漸忘形
這天燈飾照閃　假使你在旁
今天應該更高興

I liked this song the first time I heard it, before I even knew who Chet Lam was. But it was not until the past week that I finally realized what it is about it that touches me.

Outlook

One month from today......

I know you'll be there......

But it looks like I won't......

Failure

All throughout my life, a lot of people would tell me I could do anything I wanted to. As early as elementary school, nobody could outcompete me in academics. Even when it came to athletics, I was often even better than some of the guys.

Three years ago, we were sitting in a philosophy class. The substitute teacher was the same man I had for religion class a few years back. In a casual conversation, he went around asking us what we wanted to do in life. I did not have an answer. Despite the fact, this man, who had known me on and off throughout high school, told me that I would succeed in whatever I wanted to do.

Now, three years later, I have accomplished nothing at all. Friends of mine have worked at banks, hospitals, IT companies, etc. One has even set up her own online store, Tryst.

And me.....I've done nothing with my life......and I've messed up my relationship with everyone.

Some People...

Some people......have no sense of responsibility whatsoever.

You couldn't have told me before the deadline?!
You couldn't have spent 30 seconds to give me a reply?!

F*** you.

Code Blue

So half the staff in the ICU were gone, helping out at the code blue, when I was asked to bring down some stuff to that very room......

There was about twenty doctors, nurses, residents, etc. in the room. Everybody stood by the foot of the bed watching while one of the ICU residents did compressions.

Compressions...nothing new to me...but what was eye-opening was the fact that all the while, blood was spewing out from somewhere.

Unfortunately......half an hour of compressions, defrib and everything else......no luck.

RIP

沉默

要做的已經做了。
心裡的﹐連自己也控製不到。

能令我開心的﹐你不認同。
能令我心痛的﹐你也不認同。
還可以跟你說什麼﹖

唯有自己承受。

Downhill

Yes...I know...you don't need to tell me. It's getting worse and worse each time. And you don't even know about the worst of it yet. I'm going to need a lot of miracles to pull things back together. But I already know that there won't be any.

Yes...maybe I'm not working hard enough. But you know what? I'm trying to try. I'm trying my best to try. I'm trying my best to focus and work. Sadly, it doesn't seem to be working at all. I work my ass off using whatever effort I can force out of myself, and in the end, the disappointment is larger than ever.

No. I don't want to fail. I don't want to fall. I'm trying not to. After all, I probably know the pain of falling better than anyone else.

Do you know that what I really want is for you to be understanding? Do you know that I wish you'd give me some encouragement, instead of rubbing in the failure? Do you know that you are the one who kills my confidence the most? Do you know that you could make a big difference, if you cared the way I need you to?

But you don't know. And when I try to explain to you, you don't hear or understand any of it.

I do want you to care. But this is not the way.

不約而同

你還在留意我嗎﹖
還是我們真的有點心靈相通﹖

可能這想法很傻。
其實﹐真的可以同一個人心靈相通嗎﹖

Empty Hands

Don't know why, a certain feeling struck me.....

There is nothing in this world that I can call my own.
I don't own anything. I don't have anything.

Even life itself, doesn't seem to be my own.

Going Home

Driving home today, I was listening to the radio. The snow was starting to come down hard, and the DJ was talking about the dangerous drive home.

He repeatedly told the audience to be careful while driving, and to make it home safely to be with your friends and family. Then, he went on to mention how he and his friends had called off a dinner that was planned for the night, knowing that everybody wants their family and friends to be safe, at home, on this stormy night.

Don't know why......something about what he said made me want to cry.

Perhaps I feel bad, because I don't know how I can express the same kind of concern, and care, and love, to those around me.

Perhaps it makes me sad, because it seems that nobody would care whether or not I ever made it home.