Endless Worries

Worried that something might go wrong tomorrow.
Worried that she will be scared tomorrow.
Worried that she is worried right now.

Worried that she's going to put me through hell.
Worried that we might see people tomorrow.
Worried that I won't be able to control my emotions.

Worried that Friday is coming real fast.
Worried that my mind is completely jammed.
Worried that I'm going to fail.

But nobody would ever know.
Nobody would ever know that I worry.
Nobody would ever know that I care.
Nobody would ever know that I'm scared.

Please...can someone just knock me out?

The Touch

This morning, as I struggled to get up, a very weird dream popped into my head. What happened in the dream was not weird, and I can even imagine the exact same thing actually happening in my life, but the fact that it felt so real was frightening. I've never remembered the details of a dream so clearly, and it has never felt so real before......

Just as you put your arms around me, I woke up......

It was so real that it seemed like I could feel the touch on my body......

If only it were real......

If only......

痛

不知道為什麼......

今天很想哭。

心裡總是很痛很痛。

=’(

Même

So...this is one of those fill-in-your-answers-and-pass-it-on things. And today I'm feeling bored and stupid enough to do it. So here it goes......

My ex......hmm...do I even have one? I don't even know who I am. And I'm not even sure if I ever had a relationship with anyone. So do I have an ex?

Maybe I should run away from everything and everyone. Enough sh*t from this life. I want out. I want my life back.

I love things that the rest of the world finds totally boring, pointless and stupid. Like walking around on the streets for no particular reason, and sitting around doing nothing, etc.

I don't understand why some people have to make things be so complicated. It's all very simple, but everybody has to make a big deal out of it.

I lose at everything, even when I felt totally confident about it before. But then again, when do I ever feel confident in anything?

People say I'm cold. Am I? Maybe you wouldn't think that if you could get inside of me. But unless you can convince me that I can trust you, you would never see the warmer side.

Love is too painful. Sometimes I wish that I would never have anything to do with anyone ever again. Me, myself and I. I don't know if I can handle having another person in my life.

Somewhere, someone is with the person I want to see. And this someone, somewhere, is never going to be me. Yes. I'm feeling jealous.

I will always remember certain things, because I don't know how to forget. And even when I try to forget, a million things and a million people will remind me about it.

Forever is a lie. Nothing lasts forever. Whoever said forever is lying to you, because they will never keep their promise for that long.

I never want to sleep, because a million things float into my mind when I lie down. But when I finally do sleep, I never want to get up, because all those same things come rushing back again.

I think the current US President is insane. Enough about politics.

When I wake up in the morning, I feel the loneliness and emptiness the most, and wonder if things will ever be different someday. Why am I feeling like this?! I hate it.

My past was too much for me to handle. The good things never lasted, and the bad things continue on forever. I'm not going to hope for the future, because chances are I'll just get disappointed.

I get annoyed when people constantly tell me things I already know. I know I'm f***ed. I know I'm a mess. I feel like sh*t already. You don't need to reinforce it.

Parties are for anyone but me. Or maybe I'd like to go to one and get drunk so I can temporarily forget everything. Yes. Recently, I've had the urge to pick up smoking and drinking and everything else that can numb me.

My dogs are nonexistent. And I don't even want one anymore. And even if I did want one, chances are I would never get one.

My cat is also nonexistent. But I wish I could have the simple, lazy life of a cat. Can I just lie on the floor like those cats in the pictures?

Kisses are the best when......I have no clue. But for starters, it would probably be better if I could actually relax and really feel it. But who cares, it's not going to happen again anytime soon.

Tomorrow I have a f***ing exam to write, and I only started studying for it a few hours ago. Who's stupid idea was it to schedule a 3-hour exam for 7pm?

I really want to be hugged, and held, and feel the embrace. Yes. The cold, unfeeling me is longing to get close to someone. Even I am having a hard time believing that, but that seems to be the truth.

I have low tolerance for people who think they know everything, but really don't know anything at all. You're not me and you never will be. You don't know anything about what I think or feel, so don't tell me you do.

Lost in the Rain

Strong winds and a thunderstorm took down the power for several hours today. In the boring, lonely silence, many things came to mind......

Perhaps it is because we never really did much when we were together. Nine out of ten times, we sat around, mostly in silence, doing nothing in particular. This type of interaction, if you can still call it that, would bore anyone to death, yet it was always my favourite way to spend time with you. Despite the silence, you seemed to pick up everything that I was feeling. Never in my life had I ever felt so calm, so relaxed, so peaceful.

The storms are still raging and never seems to end. It seem my shelter has been blown away and I've been left alone in the rain......

How can I find my peace?

Me Day

其實今天什麼都不想說﹐不想跟任何人說話﹐不想寫﹐但又很想把心裡的一切記下來。

I never really want anything, and I never really expect to get anything, so it was rather surprising to have received greetings from ten or so people today. They all cared enough to take the time to send me their greetings and wishes. But at the same time, I felt really bad that I've never done the same in return. It's not that I don't care. I do. I just never thought I was of any significance to these people.

Another surprise was that I got gifts from certain people. Again, I am in shame that I've never done the same for them. No, it's never because I don't care. I do care, very much so, and I always do think of giving gifts to them. But I can never find something meaningful to give. Perhaps that sounds like some sort of lame excuse, but that is the truth. I wish I knew how to show all of you that I care. Please...I might be emotionally challenged and don't know how to express myself, but I do care.

It was a very nice gift. In fact, I was planning to buy something of the sort for myself, but never got around to. But everything about that particular gift drives me crazy. I love it, but a part of me would rather not have it. Is this some kind of joke? This is the wrong gift, from the wrong person.

I actually have plans tomorrow evening. It's the first time in many many years that I am going out for this special occasion. I hesitated to take the invitation the other night, because I really don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. But it was a rare opportunity to see two good friends.

There seems to be lots of reasons to be happy today, but my heart still feels heavy and empty. There were lots of greetings, but there was none from the person I want to hear from most. There were gifts, but it was the wrong gift from the wrong person. There will be celebrations, but the person I want to see most will not be there.

Perhaps I can only blame myself. It was my fault that so many things happened. And I, too, did not send you my greetings.

There is nothing I want more today than to see you for two minutes, or even to simply receive a few words from you. I never really want anything from you, because having you beside me and being able to feel your presence is already enough. Despite the fact, I have always wanted to request two things from you. The first, you know about. I would really love to have recordings of your guitar playing. The second, which I don't think I ever mentioned, is a candle. But I guess neither of these will ever happen.

Tonight I wished upon a star......but the wish will never come true.

其實﹐寫的原因不是想把什麼記下來。

其實﹐寫的原因是希望你會看到﹐希望可以把一切告訴你知﹐希望你還會在呼﹐希望在你心裡我仍然有一些地位。

='(

一年又一年

18......有幾位好朋友在一起﹐都算是開心的。
19......沒什麼感覺﹐只是發覺自己很無用。
20......發生了很多事。心情很差很差。

又一年了......

21
失去的更多。
心仍是很痛。

And the Game Begins......

There's no turning back now. $250 spent. I have to do this. But chances are that hundreds and hundreds of dollars are going to get spent, and I'll end up with nothing.

I really don't think I can pull this off. I never believed, and I still don't. But I will try, and I will go through with it, because......

There are only three months to prepare, but I don't even know how to start. If things were the way I wanted it, I know I would be a lot more motivated, and a lot more confident. But......

If only......

Rant

You told me to think and plan and make decisions. So I wracked my brains out doing it.

Now I tell you my plans and you just ignore me?!

Why don't you just plan everything for me and save me the trouble? Why have me waste time doing things that will all just get trashed? Because in the end, the only thing you ever accept is yourself.

What the fuck do you want?

Journeys

Around this time last year, I made a little journey to somewhere further up north. Today, I made that same journey, to that same place. And once again, I speeded through the dark, rainy, foreign streets.

A year ago, when I made this journey, I was having the worst time of my life. My life was falling apart, and I was losing everything. The long drive was relieving and relaxing, but something was missing.

Tonight, a year later, it seems I am still stuck in the same state of mind. Everything seems calm, but all the problems are still here. I purposely made up an excuse so that I could make the journey alone, because I knew that this drive would stir up my emotions. Again, the long drive was relaxing, but the pain inside has grown and that something is still missing.

Two Toothbrushes

Not too long ago, I noticed a song on Chet Lam's album entitled "Two Toothbrushes". Immediately, a certain picture came to mind. I could not find that particular picture, but this one has a similar feeling.

Toothbrushes. For the most part, I guess it is rather rare that you see another person's toothbrush. Unless, of course, you live with them. Other than that, I really cannot think of a reason why two people's toothbrushes would be together. Perhaps that is part of the reason why this/that picture seems to portray a very intimate feeling.

I don't recall when it was that I first saw that picture, but I do remember that it made me think. I wondered what it meant. I wondered what you were thinking.

Toothbrushes......

..........

HOCC Live in Unity 2007 @ Toronto

Finally. After years of waiting, last night I finally got to see hocc's concert. Of course, hocc put on an amazing show along with her crew. But the audience failed to give her the support and applause she deserves.

Both last night and today, many people ask me about the show. And of course, I tell them that it was a great show and that I enjoyed it. Yes, it was a great show. There's no doubt about that. But no, I didn't enjoy it.

Three years ago, when I first saw hocc on stage, it was an amazing experience. But this time, at an even bigger and better show, I couldn't enjoy it. This is the show and performer that I've waited years to see, and I didn't enjoy it?!?! But the truth is...I couldn't feel the excitement, I couldn't feel the thrill, I couldn't feel anything. While everyone is still hyper and psyched over the whole experience, a part of me is regretting that I even went at all.

Is it because it was all very predictable after watching the DVD? Is it because I was too far away? Is it because I expected more from hocc? Or is it because I was hoping for more than just a show?

五千人當中......其中一個是你嗎﹖

Finally

Waited for three years.....
Finally.

Show #4

Three years ago, at that first show, we did not know of each other's existence. But I believe that at some point that night, our paths crossed.

Months later, at the second show, we were friends that had never met. But I believe that somewhere in that place, our paths crossed again.

Finally, at the third show, we sat side by side. And from that day on, without even realizing it, something very deep started to develop.

Tomorrow will be the fourth show. I thought you'd be there for sure, but it looks like this might not be the case. What will happen this time? Will you be there? Will we meet again?

I know I don't want to miss the show, but all of a sudden, I don't want to go anymore.

Shall We Talk?

No.

I say you don't listen to me, and you tell me I don't talk to you?!

How can I talk to you when you give me shit for everything that I say? What would you think and say if I told you I almost failed that test? You would not feel my sadness. You would only tell me I didn't work hard enough.

How can I tell you why I am sad when you will get angry over the things I say? What would you do if I told you that I miss a friend? You would not feel the pain. You would probably throw me out of the house.

How can I let go in front of you when you condemn me for being weak? What would you think if I told you I was struggling to survive? You would not feel my fear. You would tell me that it's my own fault.

Why would I go and do something that would give myself more trouble and make me feel worse?

I thought parents are supposed to encourage their kids? Why do I get blamed and put down for being weak?

No. I have nothing to say to you.

Emotional Deal

Faking It

In a show that I was watching recently, a girl asked her friend a very interesting question: What is the difference between humans and animals? The girl then went on to answer her own question: Humans know how to hide their feelings, animals don't.

Why do we hide our feelings? Somebody once called me 'fake' for doing so. Perhaps that is true. But is it really that simple?

Yes. I am trying to keep up an image of something that I'm not. But I don't think I'd be wrong in saying that we are all doing it. Don't we all try to act smart, look confident and make the world think that we're better than we really are? Yes, I can do that, because that is the way you survive and succeed in this world, because once the world knows you're afraid or weak, you're out of the game. And sadly, even the people closest to you will look down on you when they know you're struggling.

But if you're lucky, somewhere along the way, you'll meet that one person who will lend you a shoulder to cry on. And no matter how weak you become and how many times you fall and cry, that person will still tell you you're the best, and truly mean it.

I'm very tired. I'm exhausted.

But......

Drinking with the Stranger

In Chet Lam's latest album, there is a song entitled "Drinking with the Stranger". The very first time I read the lyrics to that song, it sounded all too familiar.

Why do people sit in bars and drink and end up telling everything to that stranger beside them? Can you really trust a stranger? I doubt anyone would. But because you think you would never in your life see this person again, it really doesn't matter what you say.

That is partly the reason why I started talking to this stranger. But somewhere along the way, I started to trust this person, despite the fact that we had never even met. And who would have guessed? Within a few short months, this stranger touched my heart in many many ways and I came to trust this person more than anyone else in my life.

Running on Empty

Again and again you get angry with me for not trying, for giving up......

No. I have not given up, and I am still trying. I made a promise to someone, and to myself, and I will try to keep it.

Does it ever occur to you that you are the one who puts me down the most? Does it ever occur to you that I want your encouragement the most? Does it ever occur to you that you've taken away my source of strength and confidence?

Perhaps you do know. But to you, that would never be a reason for you to put down certain things.

Countdown

I've been waiting years to see this show. Now there is only a week left, but I cannot feel the excitement at all. In fact, at some point last week, I really didn't want to go at all.

Undoubtedly, I believe it will be an amazing show. After watching everything for the last four years, I know this will be well worth the time, money and trouble.

But......what about other things?

Outsider

Can an outsider ever really understand the relationship between two people?

I don't think so.

No matter who you are, and how well you know me, you were never there. You can never understand the thoughts and feelings that were involved. You can never understand the significance of all the things that happened. And most of all, you can never understand that sense of connection.

Don't tell me I'm blind. Don't tell me I'm crazy. You think you know everything, but you don't know anything at all.

I might be the most indecisive person in the world, but this time, I know exactly what I feel, and I know exactly what I want.