Imprints

Tonight, on a program discussing memory, it was mentioned that emotional memories are the ones that we naturally remember and don't forget.

I never really purposely try to remember anything, but somehow, every little detail seems to constantly stick in my mind. From the smallest, most insignificant things, to the things that were said, to the special days and special moments. I can remember it all so clearly, and the images keep running through my head.

How can I even start to forget?
How can I tell myself to let go?

Invisible

Every time I see that model and make of car go by, I always take a quick glance at the license plate to see if it would be you. Perhaps it is stupid. Of the millions and millions of cars out there, what are the chances that I would run into you? Of the 5 years that I've been driving, since when have I seen a familiar car on the streets? Never.

But today, as I went up the road, heading in the opposite direction was a familiar car, a familiar plate, and a familiar face.

And I could not do a single thing except watch it all go by.

It's been over six months since I last saw you......and it turns out this is how I get to see you again: from a distance, and with you not noticing at all.

I can't decide what hurts more: Having the person you love walk off on you? Or having the person you love go by you and not noticing you at all? Or seeing the person you love right in front of you and not being able to do anything?

擔心

今天再一次哭了......

幾個月沒有跟你談話﹐已經不知道你怎樣了。

心裡有點擔心......

你生活得好嗎?

Fish Without Water

Fish said, 'You cannot see my tears, for I am in the water'.
Water said, 'I can feel your tears, because you are in my heart'.

Fish is still crying, but it seems that Water has disappeared.
Has Fish been removed from Water's heart?
Can Water still feel Fish's tears?

='(

This Little Gift

I have a little gift for you.
Nothing special and nothing nice.
Perhaps even stupid and childish.
But I really want you to keep it.

Should I send it? Do you want it?
Or would you trash it without even looking?

Was it wrong for me to not do anything?
Have I disappointed you by not doing anything?
Were you expecting something from me?
Did you want to receive something from me?

I'm sorry.

='(

別要張開雙眼

無論熱戀中﹐失戀中﹐都永遠記住第一戒﹕別要張開雙眼。

愛情確實是麻目的好﹐若然太理性﹐那就不是愛情。

(From JW's blog)

Sparkling Lights & Explosions

Fireworks......

The sparkling lights in the night sky......a sight that has always been enchanting and mesmerizing every time.

But tonight, it has somehow turned into something unbearable......

Explosive sounds from all around......each another reminder of you, and another stab at my heart.

='(

Late

Another dream......

I was all dressed and ready to go. So I stood by the window, waiting for you. When you finally pulled up, I saw that you had a new car. I was excited and eager to hear all about it from you.

Something or someone held me up in the house, and I left you waiting outside. Eventually, I was finally able to get out of the house.

But......you were gone.

What does it all mean? I seldom remember anything from my dreams. But last night, for a second time, I had a very vivid dream, and you were the one in it. Why?

Where are you, my dear friend? Perhaps you never want to be a part of my life again, but please, I just want to know you're okay.

='(

Escape

If I was a little less considerate, I would ask a stranger at a bus stop for a cigarette. There is something about the action of smoking that seems to let you burn all the sorrow and pain away.

If I was a little less sensible, I would allow myself to get drunk every night. At least if you can get yourself hung over, you wouldn't have to think for just a little while.

If I had a little more guts, I'd probably have killed myself by now...

Anything to stop the mind from wandering.
Anything to stop the heart from feeling.

Anything to numb myself...

='(

Past to Present to Future

Do you have friends in high places? Perhaps you know someone who lives in a skyscraper. It is not, now, so much a question of what you know - or even of who you know - as of where you know. You have been somewhere in the past. You have made a connection, you have understood something. Your relationship with that place is now integral to the next part of your journey through life. You may not be going back there, but something you learned while you were there is about to become valuable.

(May 15, 2007 Taurus horoscope by Jonathan Cainer)

How ironic......
What should I make of it?

Runaway

When I met up a friend a few weeks ago, I was informed that she had run away and was now living in Barrie. I did not know how to respond.

The first thing that hit me was that I am such a bad friend. I've always known that she was having trouble at home, but I have never taken the time to show that I care. So much has happened to her, but I was never there to help her out. Yet, she has taken the time to come and see me.

Another part of me felt sorry for her, that it had to come to this. I always hate to see families fall apart. Although that was not her real family, I know there are lots of people there that she doesn't want to leave behind.

Somewhere deep down was another thought, perhaps one that I should not have thought. I wondered why I did not have the courage to do the same.

Ironically, today is Mother's Day, and I am wondering why I never ran away this time last year, and why I have not decided to do it now. Last year, I sent no gifts and no cards, so that I could spare myself the pain of having it all destroyed in front of me. Perhaps I should have done the same thing today, because my attempts to do otherwise has just caused me more pain.

I don't want to be here......but where could I possibly go?

你有沒有一個屬於自己的『後台朋友』

這是一篇非常好的文章，
因為我們都已社會化深了，

所表現出來的都是想要別人羨慕的一面，
不好的都只想沉默或暗自憂傷，
夜深人靜時真的需要好好想想，

不論是最親密的配偶也好、知心朋友也罷！
你所交的朋友中是否有這種人呢？

你有沒有一個屬於自己的『後台朋友』
莎士比亞說：「人生如舞台。」
人有前台，也有後台。

前台，是粉墨登場的場所，
費盡心思，化好了妝，穿好了衣服，
準備好了台詞，端好了架式，調勻了呼吸，一步步踱出去，
使出渾身解數；該唱的，唱得五音不亂；
該說的，說得字正腔圓；
該演的，演得淋漓盡致；
於是博得滿堂彩，名利雙收，
然後躊躇滿志而回。

然而，當他回到後台，脫下戲服，卸下妝彩，
露出疲累而飢黃的臉部，
後台有沒有一個朋友在等他，
和他說一句真心話，道一聲辛苦了，
或默默交換一個眼色，這個眼色，
也許比前台的滿堂彩要受用、而且必要！

人有沒有這樣的朋友，很重要。
後台的朋友，是心靈的休息地。

在他面前，
不必化妝，不必穿戲服，
不必做表情，不必端架子，
可以說真心話，可以說洩氣話，
可以說沒出息的話，
可以讓他知道你很脆弱、很懦弱、很害怕。

每次要走出前台時都很緊張、很厭惡，
因為你確知後台朋友只會安慰你，
不會恥笑你，不會奚落你。
況且，在他面前你早已沒什麼形象可言了，
也樂得繼續沒形象下去。

人生有一個地方，
有一個人，在這人面前，
可以不必有出息，可以不必有形象，
可以暴露弱點，可以全身都是弱點，
這是很大的解放。

有此解放，人乃可以在解放一陣子之後，
重拾勇氣，重披戲服再次化妝，
端起架子，走到前台去扮演該扮演的角色，
做一個人模人樣的人物，
博得世俗的讚美，獲得功成名就的利益。

話雖如此，後台朋友並非任何人隨處可以找到。
親如夫婦，往往還不能成為「休息地」，
這可視為人的弱點不堪披露。

可見人無論生死，
都很難找到「後台朋友」，
因為他太珍貴了。
　
那你呢？有沒有這樣的一位「後台朋友」？
如果有，請好好珍惜。
用心體會，用愛感動。

用平靜的心去面對不平靜的事
用最成熟的心態來選擇自己的未來

(from 偏僻之家Blog)

Clicking around on your blog, I noticed that you replied to this post on another blog. Naturally, when I read it, you were the one that I thought of.

You've seen me cry. You've seen me weak. You've seen me do horrible things. And you are the only one that knows when I am faking a brave face when I need to face the world. In front of you, where I know I am safe, I don't know how to be that tough person that everyone else thinks I am.

Where have you gone, my backstage friend?
沒有你在身邊﹐心裡總是不能靜下來......

Passage of Time

Two years ago, on this very night, a group of us, spread all around the world, went crazy over hocc's newly plugged song.

Two years ago, I barely knew you. But I remember that on this very night, we spent hours together, chatting in virtual reality.

Months ago, you spoke of that night. You remembered everything, and reminded me of the things I had said to you.

Tonight, it is already two years later. I don't know where you are. I don't know where I stand. I don't know if any of this has any significance to you.

Do you know how much I wish you could be here?

It hurts......really does......

='(

Eraser

Erase the fears.
Erase the sorrow.
Erase the pain.

If only everything could be erased and changed as easily as writing on a chalkboard......

Put to the Test

Can't believe you said that......

After all those accusations about things that are totally unrelated and things that you know absolutely nothing about, you dare to say this to me?!

Was it supposed to be a test? To see how I would react?

Regardless......

I don't want to be disrespectful to the performers. I don't want to waste money on a show that I cannot enjoy. And most of all, I don't want to be put through the torture of all the memories and flashbacks.

Unless it is with that one special person, I never want to see a show again.

Guilt

For the last two days, I know my mind should only have been thinking one thing. But the truth is, there was a lot more going on, and they were all things that I really shouldn't have been thinking about, at least not at this time.

I feel bad. I feel guilty. In so many ways, it is not right for me to be like this.

But I cannot stop myself from thinking and feeling all those things.

I know what my priorities should be, and I always have. But I cannot let go of the importance of some other things. You can tell me I'm wrong for doing something that is hurting those around me. But you can never convince me that there is anything inherently wrong.

What a Day......

It must have been the longest day I've had in a long time.

Hours of waiting. Hours of worrying. Hours of horrible silence. And I got absolutely nothing done.

It could have been worse. A lot worse.

But I feel guilty, in a way......because all the while, I kept thinking about things that I really shouldn't have been thinking at that time.

Sorry. But I can't control it.