One Man War

On this Friday the 13th, I went and wrote the MCAT. Who would go and do a thing like that? Obviously, nobody. That would explain why after sitting by the computer for three days, this was the only seat I could get. While waiting to be registered, many people thought that this Friday the 13th would bring good luck. No. I don't believe that. In fact, I don't believe anything. I don't know how to be positive about anything. And I don't know how to have hope in anything.

So, as expected, it was a horrible day. I had to make the drive down to Hamilton after about 3 hours of sleep. The checking-in process took an hour, so I started an hour late. The fucking computer wouldn't work properly. I was blank. I didn't know anything. Some assholes came in and discussed what was wrong with the computers while we were still writing. The stupid confirmation sheet at the end would not print. I had to drive home, and got stuck in traffic for 3 hours.

OK. I can cope with that. Because none of that was the thing that hurt me most......

MCAT is the longest professional school entrance exam (~5 hours). And through all of this, I didn't get a single word of encouragement from anyone. The folks at home...everyone is just too busy getting angry at each other to care. Plus, nobody in this house thinks I can do it anyways. [Including myself.] But all this time, I had always believed that at least one person would care enough to send me wishes. I was wrong.

Two years ago, because everything seemed to be going downhill, I had already given up on the idea of MCAT and everything that follows. But not too long after, I received a gift and a card that made me cry. That was the first time that I received some real encouragement. It was because of that gift that I told myself I can still do it. It was because of that gift that I still went and did this today. Unfortunately, I can't help but wonder if that gift, which is so important to me, still has the same meaning.

But a part of me is feeling guilty for thinking that......

You said you'd always be there for me. I should have faith in you. But sometimes I don't know how to believe when I don't have anything.

But somewhere deep down inside, I know my heart still believes......