And the wait begins...

Everything has finally been submitted. And now I am almost $1000 down the drain.

All there is to do now is wait. And hope that I'll have a little bit of luck.

At some point at the beginning of the last three weeks, I had a little bit of confidence and a little bit of enthusiasm about all this. But by Friday of this week, and right now, I have completely lost interest in this whole thing. A month ago, when I realized that I have a good chance of not succeeding in this process, I really did feel sad. But perhaps, deep down inside, I really don't want this all that much. Perhaps I'm doing this for all the wrong reasons.

Not too long ago I found out that BW has become one of them. Why am I not surprised? If there's anyone out of the 'speds' that I could lose to, it would definitely be her.

Do I have a chance? Can I win that green bag? And if I manage to get the green bag, do I still get that other gift that someone once promised me?

I guess It really doesn't matter what happens anymore. Nobody would care, and it wouldn't make a difference to anyone.

There has been one amusing thing in this process. Tonight, seconds after I had submitted everything, 911 appeared outside my window.

How ironic...

nuit blanche

"The all-night contemporary art thing..." as they call it.

The first time I heard of this event was last year, the first time it was run in Toronto. I don't remember where it was I saw the posters, but I do remember what I thought at that moment.

Nuit blanche. It's definitely not an event for everyone. And within my world, it'd be pretty hard to find someone who'd be willing to sacrifice a night of sleep to stroll the streets and look at 'things' nobody can understand. But that's the type of stupid, pointless thing I like to do.

Early this week I saw posters for the event again. Once again, I can't remember where it was, but I do know I had the same thought as last year.

Il y aura-t-il jamais une chance?

......

今天早上經過了一個地方。

原來...我還是會哭。
原來...還是很痛。

The Missing Stretch of Time

"When exactly do we go from being kids to being......just people? I'm not sure. I do know that it's not about turning a certain age or graduating from school. It happens when we're not paying attention. We go from playing with our friends......to playing with our friends' feelings. Without our knowledge or consent, childhood slips away in the night and our innocence escapes us." (Will, Young Americans)

Guitars and Voices

Every time I tell someone I like listening to Chet Lam and AT17, they always find that really odd. To 99% of the people, their music is weird and boring, and nobody can ever understand what I like about their music.

So Why do I like Chet Lam and AT17's music? For one thing, their live performances are enough to awe anyone. Perhaps it's their talent, or the simplicity, or the meaningful messages, but probably mostly because of the feelings and emotions attached to it.

Where can I find another person that understands?

Love, hate, and more...

Weekend Horoscope:

They say, 'You always hurt the one you love.' If that's true, how should we protect the people we care most about? Do we just stop loving them? Love is a mark of the highest respect, yet it can become the reason why two people fail to respect each other's most basic needs. It is the ultimate expression of empathy, yet it can sometimes give rise to the most intense experience of isolation. Now, what about the love/hate relationship that you now seem to be so hopelessly caught up in? Who is it hurting?

You never know what it's like to get hurt until someone you love stops loving you.
You never know what it means to be lonely until someone you love walks out of your life.

Can you love and hate someone at the same time? Can you love someone by not loving them?

But how do you stop loving someone? I don't know how to do that.

Stories

It's amazing what you can find on the internet...

There are lots of interesting stories on the net, but none was as shocking as the one I read yesterday.

My question is......how much does the writer really know about the story?

Oblivious

Once again, I feel like the biggest idiot in the world today......

If I have read and understood everything correctly, somebody knows something about me that I didn't know she knew.

So...not only have I made a complete fool of myself over the past year, but I've also been lied to by two people that I have come to trust.

Now what?

Safe in Your Arms

原來那種感覺就是安全感。

Under the Covers

In a random conversation today, we talked about sleeping. No. Not sleeping with people. Just sleeping. At some point in time, we came to the topic of blankets and duvets. I had mentioned that I never sleep without a blanket/duvet, even when it gets hot, because it feels awkward. The response I got to this was "因為無安全感".

安全感。I've never really thought about this term before.

All of sudden, it makes me think a lot of things......

Another September

And that brings to an end what should be the last summer vacation of my life. It has been an interesting summer...new people, new work, tests and exams, camp, trips, etc...

It's September again, but this time around, there is nobody to keep me going when I need it most. There seems to be a lot of things to dread this year: 400-level courses, neuro research on mice/rats, rejection, and most of all, what the uncertain future may bring.

At least all these stressful things will help keep my mind from thinking about other things.

But then again, it's more likely those other things are going to completely ruin my attempts to do anything else.

Good luck to myself.

Black Hole

A mesmerizing sunrise...
Relaxing by the water...
Sitting by the fire...
Sleeping outside...
Watching the stars...

All the things I wanted to do......

But something is still missing...
And the emptiness is stronger than ever...

='(