Happy Halloween?

A few years back, Halloween was somewhat fun. I can still remember going out in one of the nicer neighbourhoods and coming back with everything from cookies to cans of pop. And then we'd watch movies until someone got freaked out, which was disappointing because I never got to see the ending. Despite the fact, it was all good.

In more recent years, a friend and I took a bunch of kids out. They have fun. And it's nice to see how happy they are with their loot.

Today...I almost completely forgot that it's Halloween...my stress level is through the roof...I can't sleep...I'm in need of sleep, and a break, and other things I can't have...but we're just getting started......

There was one good thing today......the genetics midterm turned out surprisingly well! But that relief lasted no more than 5 minutes.

Things to do: (1) tomorrow's interim report; (2) tomorrow's lab prep; (3) tomorrow's rat surgery prep; (4) act sci problems; (5) act sci midterm; (6) systems pharm quiz; (7) systems pharm papers; (8) next week's system pharm midterm; (9) final microarray report; (10) genetics assignment; (11) motis meeting paper......and whatever else I'm forgetting......

And of course, on top of all that is an even bigger problem that will never go away......

I've noticed two things about myself lately: (1) I've started living off caffeine; and (2) I've developed a hate for that green backpack.

This morning, someone said "Happy Halloween" to me. For whatever reason, I just had the urge to cry......

Well...whatever. I'm ranting to myself. There's nobody around to care...as always.

Without End

What is a story without an ending?

Does the story linger on until an ending can be found?
Or does the story simply cease to exist?

......

Genetics?

Today's Motis Meeting article:

"A functional circuit underlying male sexual behaviour in the female mouse brain."

How ironic......

Maybe I am -/- for some gene that is homologous to Trpc2?

......

The Hardest Thing

There was an e-mail forward in my inbox today entitled "The Friendship Bracelet"......

I cannot remember when I learned to make those bracelets. It must have been over ten years ago. But from then until now, I've only seriously made bracelets for three people. The first was my childhood best friend. The second was my cousin. The last was......

Ironically, none of these people are in my life anymore.

The e-mail was not all that interesting, but one thing did catch my attention...a 'did you know':

Did you know that the three hardest to things to say are...
1) I love you.
2) I'm sorry.
3) Help me.

Unfortunately, I do know that, and I know it all too well.

I love you. I'm sorry. Help me.

Can you hear me?

Me vs You

You can say what you want. You can yell at me a million times.

I don't want to hear it. I'm not going to care.

It doesn't change anything.

F**k...but I do care...because it hurts like hell that all these things are coming from the people I love and care about most.

Why is it that you cannot understand that what makes me happy is not all the things you want for me?

End of Conversation

I know perfectly fine what I'm doing. You're the one in denial. It's not that I don't talk to you. It's that you are unwilling to hear what I said.

I've said everything that I need to say. There's not much else I can say. It wasn't what you wanted to hear. It wasn't the answers you wanted. And so you choose to pretend you didn't hear it and blame me for not talking to you.

I refuse to say the things you want to hear, because it would be a lie to you and to myself. If you refuse to speak to me because of that, that is your choice. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but maybe it's time for you to realize that some things are out of your control.

無情

我真的那麼無情嗎﹖

Do you know that I still think of you everyday?
Do you know that I wish we could still be together?
Do you know that it's you that I want by my side?
Do you know that I want to have you in my arms?

I believed.
I had faith.
I hoped.

但原來對你來說﹐我只是一個無情的人。

=(

曾經有人告訴我不要一走了之。
為什麼這個人偏偏就是這樣對我﹖

People Issues

Someone is lying to me. Isn't it obvious by now that I know?

*sigh*

Despite all my own problems, someone has asked me to help her in saving her relationship......The girl I've known for less than two months. The guy I've known for more than ten years. They've been together for a year. The girl broke it up for another guy (which I also know), but then realized she made a mistake.

Does she deserve another chance? I don't really think so. But it seems the guy still loves her.

So...now...the fate of this relationship is partly dependent on how well I can convince this guy.

Maybe I should find someone to solve my problems?

Solution

I'm dying inside, but that has never occurred to you.

How can I tell you the truth? How can I tell you anything?

If I die, then nobody needs to deal with any of this...
Perhaps that is the best solution...

I don't want to be here...

='(

Revisited

Why is it that things always get a million times worse when I already feel like shit?

It seems that you've finally realized that it was all real. But when are you going to realize that it's not just going to go away? You can tell me I've made a mistake, but who knows what I feel better than myself? You say you want to talk, but what good is it when your starting point is not to understand, but to make me change?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being an idiot. I've been abandoned and left here alone to fight something I can't win, yet I still keep at it in hopes of winning. But does the prize still belong to me? What if I'm no longer wanted?

You can all say that I'm selfish. You can all say that I've hurt you. But what about the pain you've caused me?

It hurts. It really does.

='(

The 365th day without you......

Sitting in class tonight, it suddenly occurred to me that it's been a year. It's been a whole entire year since I last saw you.

It would have been tonight that I last saw you. I had cried while on the phone with you. Although you came, my silence pushed you away and you simply dropped me off. I was angry, but even more hurt that you would do that. I did not say goodbye and we did not hug as we normally do. And for the first time that night, I deliberately didn't answer your calls. Little did I know that that would be the last time I ever saw you.

It would have been this past weekend that I last visited you. Like every other time, time was limited, but for many reasons I remember that day very clearly. We went to the mall together, and actually went into the stores to look at clothes...something that neither of us like to do. We shared an ice cream, and you complained that I ate so little.

Those were the sweet little things. But most of all, I remember the feeling of falling asleep in your arms. It was then that I realized how amazing it feels to be sleeping next to a warm body, next to someone you love. I wrapped my arms around you and snuggled in close. You asked me what was wrong, but I didn't give you an answer. What I really wanted to say was "I love you."

='(

Nostalgia

Sitting in class tonight, it suddenly occurred to me that it's been a year.

It would have been tonight. I was angry, but even more hurt that I'd get treated that way. I did not say goodbye and there were no hugs. And for the first time that night, I deliberately didn't answer the calls. Little did I know that that would be the last time...

I regret it. I regret that it was that way.

It would have been this past weekend that it all happened. Like every other time, time was limited, but for many reasons I remember that day very clearly. Most of all, I remember the feeling of falling asleep very comfortably. It was then that I realized how amazing it feels to be sleeping next to a warm body...

What I really wanted to say was......[...........].....

='(

untitled

Are they the lucky ones?
Or am I just the unlucky one?