In My Arms

Two years ago, for the first time in the 19 years of my life, I took a little furry friend to bed with me. I never thought about what it meant at the time, but since then, I did realize. Despite being oblivious at the time, this rather childish action gave me a very warm and sweet feeling.

Last night I did the same thing again, but it was not the same. That feeling was no longer there, and I could only remember it in my mind. The act, and the furry friend, were somewhat comforting. But instead of that warm fuzzy feeling, the only thing I could feel were the tears welling up in my eyes.

Am I doing something stupid again?

Push and Pull

"明白叫你太煩的不是愛"

An interesting story lead me to this familiar phrase...

All of a sudden, everything that I had decided a few days ago seems wrong again.

我這樣做會令你更討嚴嗎﹖

I only want you to know that I still feel for you. But will my actions push you away even more?

------

I can't remember when it was. It might have been that very first time that we met. We must have printed something off my laptop. Ever since then, your printer has been installed on my computer.

My computer has been spontaneously trying to send to your printer lately. Are you receiving it?

*sigh*

Crossed Off

For I don't know how many times, someone has asked me why I have a strikethrough in my name on MSN. Like all other times, I only said it was random playing around with the fonts.

The real reason......

Perhaps only I will know.

Perhaps there is the possibility that person who I want to know knows.

最真感覺

When I told a certain person about my worries a few days ago, she thought that they were irrelevant. She told me that I should go and do what I feel, regardless of what reaction I expect to get. At least then, there won't be any regrets.

Perhaps she is right. I regret too much already. Why worry about something that I will probably never know and cannot control? Just do it, and hope for the best.

"Jump the time. Get a life. 超越時間, 超越規範, 衝向自己內心深處, 尋找最真感覺。"

密友

Do people come together because of similarities or differences? I don't know. But it seems that common ground has a way of changing relationships.

I've 'known' this person for probably three years, but it wasn't until early this year that we actually met. I never really took much interest in talking to her, because to me she seems a little childish. But recently, we've been talking regularly...because it turns out we are both stressing out over the same thing.

For the last little while, I had suspicions about what I read in her blog. Finally, one night we started a casual conversation. She told me about her relationship problems, and confirmed what I had thought. For whatever reason......in return, I told her about my stuff. And it turns out that she also had suspicions about me.

She has fallen for a best friend. The friend already has a partner, but also treats her as much more than a friend. So does she have a chance?

And me...I cannot let go. I know very well what it is that I want, but will the world let me have it? Will you still let me in?

It seems we are both stuck. There's no going forward, and no going backwards.

很久沒有聽容祖兒的歌。無聊拿來聽﹐發現了......"密友"。

彼此間再親　而在眼裡都不配襯
如若靠近　途人便會指控變犯人
即使關了燈　誰又介意家中接吻
然後一吻　無奈讓我醒覺有別人

............

我　暗地裡豁出去
見面也於家裡
可惜那字句仍沒法擊退
與密友愛不對
與密友欠登對
反對　若這樣愛的情侶

............

很自然地想起hocc的歌......

能成為密友大概總帶著愛

很自然...想哭......

Love: Past, Present, Future

What does it mean to love someone? What is a promise? What is commitment?

How is it that people can say they really love someone one day, and then don't feel upset at all after breaking up the next day? Was the relationship so unimportant that you did not take it to heart at all? Then how can you say you loved someone? How can people take these things so lightly?

If I say 'I love you', it is because I mean it with all my heart. To me, that in itself implies a certain amount of commitment. If I did not mean it, or if I was unwilling to make a commitment, I would not say those words. That is partially the reason why it is so hard to say those three words. I need to be completely sure about myself, because I do not want to hurt you.

Am I taking it all too seriously? Am I putting in too much and expecting too much? Perhaps it was never meant to be so serious? I'm just not sure anymore. But a part of me believes that I would not fall for anyone who did not also take the four-letter word seriously.

'Love', this English word: like other English words it has tense. 'Loved' or 'will love' or 'have loved'. All these specific tenses mean Love is time-limited thing. Not infinite. It only exist in particular period of time. In Chinese, Love is '愛' (ai). It has no tense. No past and future. Love in Chinese means a being, a situation, a circumstance. Love is existence, holding past and future. [A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers, Xiaolu Guo]

Should I still believe?

想得太遠﹖

My mind is running away......

I hate this time of the year. I hate this weather. I hate all the things that happen in my life.

For the last few weeks, I couldn't help noticing the colourful leaves. The things that I wanted to do two years ago still haven't been done. I don't think there's the chance anymore. But I can't help wishing. I can't help feeling sad.

It started to snow this week. While driving through the first snow of the year Tuesday night, I couldn't help remember something that someone said to me. Everything just rushed into my mind again. It makes me want to cry all over again.

Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I've never stopped thinking, never stopped wishing, and never stopped feeling sad. I simply don't know how to.

I'm guessing at what this game has become. On my part, I've thrown myself into this and there's no way to fix it. But what goes on out of this house and when I'm away, I have no way of knowing. And after all this time, I still cannot understand why it turned out like this. Why is it that the person I trust most, that I've opened up to, does not trust me?

Yes. I still wonder where you are and what you're doing. Somewhere along the way, I've grown so used to knowing that it makes me scared not to know. Are you okay? Are you safe? Are you well? I wish I could know. But at the same time...do you still want me to know? Do you still care that I care? Are you still willing to let me in?

And amidst all that, I question myself. What am I thinking? What am I feeling? What do I want? What am I supposed to do? What do I want to do? Perhaps I know the exact answers to all of these, but how do I make it happen? Do I still have the right and the privilege to all these things? Am I of any worth to anyone?

Have I taken this all too seriously? Did you mean for me/you to be so serious? But this, in itself, is a serious matter. I cannot deal with it any other way, and I believe you would think the same. Did I and am I expecting too much? But I only expect and want more because my heart tells me it was mutual. Am I the only one still hanging onto this?

Every now and then, things hit me and I realize the seriousness of everything. Most of all, I suddenly realize how much I didn't understand and how much I had missed. A few days I go, I noticed a line of lyrics in a song..."他還不懂 還是不懂 離開是想要被挽留". All of a sudden, I can't help thinking if I've done the wrong thing, if I've missed my chance. Is that what I was supposed to do? Is that what you wanted from me?

是我想得太多嗎﹖

Empty Tank

Finally...tonight there is no real immediate rush to do anything.

Since early last week, it's been nonstop studying...to the point that my head is no longer functional. Tuesday night was the act sci test. Wednesday morning was the systems pharm test.

Act Sci was, for the most part, fairly easy. But I still messed up in the stupidest way. After days and days of doing problem sets without any problems, I somehow managed to install into my head a wrong formula. The test was easy enough that I stood a good chance of getting 100%. But being the idiot that I am, I will be getting significantly less than that. F**k.

Systems Pharmacology. After writing a 90 mark test in 50 minutes, everyone was either speechless or depressed. What drug can irreversibly block acetylcholine receptors? What anti-microbial drug can be used to treat TB and is a CYP450 inducer? I don't know. I haven't put so much time and effort into studying in a while, but for this test I was literally studying every minute I had...on campus, on the subway, at work, etc. And still, it was another disaster.

This is exactly why I am sick of school, sick of trying, sick of fighting. No matter what it is, and how hard I try, I can never win.

After the entire week of endless nights, I actually got to sleep yesterday. I haven't slept so much in day for a long time...5 hours in the afternoon, and another 5 hours at night...yet I still feel dead tired all of today.

I've worn myself out in every way possible. Why is it that my mind is still running off on me?

x_o

Systems Pharmacology......is what everybody will be having nightmares about this weekend...

Why?......well....I've looked at 1.25 lectures and there's been 30+ drugs to memorize....and there's 20 lectures in all, so possibly a couple hundred drugs?...plus 6 journal articles.

I always feel unprepared for exams, but this one seems to have got me in a panic....because I know I am VERY not ready for this one...5/10 on 2/3 quizzes is telling me this isn't going to be pretty.

F**k.