想得太遠﹖

My mind is running away......

I hate this time of the year. I hate this weather. I hate all the things that happen in my life.

For the last few weeks, I couldn't help noticing the colourful leaves. The things that I wanted to do two years ago still haven't been done. I don't think there's the chance anymore. But I can't help wishing. I can't help feeling sad.

It started to snow this week. While driving through the first snow of the year Tuesday night, I couldn't help remember something that someone said to me. Everything just rushed into my mind again. It makes me want to cry all over again.

Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I've never stopped thinking, never stopped wishing, and never stopped feeling sad. I simply don't know how to.

I'm guessing at what this game has become. On my part, I've thrown myself into this and there's no way to fix it. But what goes on out of this house and when I'm away, I have no way of knowing. And after all this time, I still cannot understand why it turned out like this. Why is it that the person I trust most, that I've opened up to, does not trust me?

Yes. I still wonder where you are and what you're doing. Somewhere along the way, I've grown so used to knowing that it makes me scared not to know. Are you okay? Are you safe? Are you well? I wish I could know. But at the same time...do you still want me to know? Do you still care that I care? Are you still willing to let me in?

And amidst all that, I question myself. What am I thinking? What am I feeling? What do I want? What am I supposed to do? What do I want to do? Perhaps I know the exact answers to all of these, but how do I make it happen? Do I still have the right and the privilege to all these things? Am I of any worth to anyone?

Have I taken this all too seriously? Did you mean for me/you to be so serious? But this, in itself, is a serious matter. I cannot deal with it any other way, and I believe you would think the same. Did I and am I expecting too much? But I only expect and want more because my heart tells me it was mutual. Am I the only one still hanging onto this?

Every now and then, things hit me and I realize the seriousness of everything. Most of all, I suddenly realize how much I didn't understand and how much I had missed. A few days I go, I noticed a line of lyrics in a song..."他還不懂 還是不懂 離開是想要被挽留". All of a sudden, I can't help thinking if I've done the wrong thing, if I've missed my chance. Is that what I was supposed to do? Is that what you wanted from me?

是我想得太多嗎﹖