2007

It seems a little hard to believe that 2007 is coming to the end. Somehow, in my mind, it seems that 2006 just passed not too long ago. Perhaps my mind is still stuck in the past. Perhaps I am still lingering on too many things.

2007. I cannot say if it was better or worse than 2006, but it was not a good year.

It seems I've wasted another year of my life. I cannot think of anything productive that I've done. Perhaps I've taken a step towards certain things, but the results of my efforts (or lack of) are still yet to be determined. Perhaps I have also taken a dangerous step forward in other steps of my life. For better or worse? For now, it seems worse.

So, what can I remember...

Feb 1. I was kicked out of the game without an explanation. And after the entire year, it seems I am still (and forever will be) disqualified.

July 14. MCAT. I wouldn't say it was as hard as I expected, but it was definitely one of the most stressful and frustrating days of the year. To finish it off, the results were not good. Having said that, at this point in time, I know I really don't have a reason to do it again.

Aug 26. Last day of camp. This was perhaps one of the most memorable days of the year, in a good and bad way. It was the first time in my life that I was outside late at night and early in the morning for the sole purpose of watching the stars and sunrise. A good experience. But what made it most memorable to me was what we were thinking at the time. Perhaps there is something magical about the sun and stars. All five of us were thinking of a special person in our lives...

It's been another 12 months. I still care. I still think. I still feel. Perhaps I can never do enough to prove myself, but I can very honestly say that there was never a day when anything changed in my mind.

A while ago, I told myself that tonight I would go to bed early and attempt to sleep through this day, so that my mind would not be on certain things. But here I am. I could not get myself to go to bed, because a part of me still childishly hopes for something. And in a few hours, when I finally wear myself out enough to fall asleep, I will regret it, because I've again made the mistake of hoping, which leads to more disappointment and pain than anything.

Tonight, as I sit here, I still wish for the same things I wished for a year ago. The only difference is that this year, it all seems much further away. Perhaps I also purposely chose to pick up a new toy today. I should be excited, but I am more afraid to touch it, because everything about it plays on my emotions.

Two years. I can't help but wonder if it was what happened then that makes my sincerity questionable. If I could re-live the moment, I would try to be a little braver, because some things are just too important.

I know I don't have the chance or the privilege to speak anymore. I wish for one thing tonight. I wish that I could spend the last second of 2007 and the first second of 2008 with a special person. But a wish is nothing more than a wish.

Nobody will never receive my messages, but I will still send it out here.

From the bottom of my heart...Happy New Year.

House of Sounds

It was the first time in my life that I walked into one of these stores with a purpose, and this place truly amazed me. Everything from the freedom, to the products, to the people, all made it seem like a magical place to me. Despite the fact that I cannot afford most of the things in the store, just being there was somewhat satisfying.

Perhaps I went there today with a second (subconscious) purpose...

I only know of this place because of a certain person. Who else could possibly qualify to help me out? I don't want to be there with anyone but that person.

But before I start dreaming (again), my dilemma...left or right?

Half a Soul

Still half conscious...
And half sane...
And half sick...

Where did I lose myself?

Can someone find the missing piece for me?

你最近還好嗎

挑一張耶誕卡寫上滿滿祝福的話
地址寫的是心底 你能不能收到它

有再多的牽挂都已沒有權利表達

Perhaps I am not even worth a few words.
Perhaps I deserve to be ignored because I've hurt other people too many times.
Perhaps I will never be more than just some kid who happened to pass by.

I've never tried so hard to win the attention of someone. I've never gone out of my way to try and please someone. I've never missed someone so much that it makes me cry.

Did he ever make it to his destination? Did he get taken in or has he been left on the streets? I told him so much, but will he remember to tell it his new master?

Perhaps wishing for the chance to speak is too much to ask for...

If I can have one wish this Christmas, I hope that the little guy will make his new master smile.

This is a phrase that I no longer understand, but hopefully it still has some meaning to my little friend's new (and rightful) master...

Merry Christmas.

Half Conscious Wishes

After five cups of caffeine yesterday, I slept for ten hours, or so to speak. Within those ten hours, I woke up no less than five times. Every time I managed to close my eyes, I would wake up with a dream...

All of today, I've been half asleep and half awake. If I had my way, I would not have gotten out of bed at all. I chose not be entirely awake today, because I know my mind is running off in all directions and I would just make myself cry, which in the end, was inevitable.

There's very few people around today. Everyone has places to be and people to be with. And here I am, not worth anything to anyone, not worth anything to my own family, and definitely not worth anything to the person that means the world to me.

I wonder where people are. I wonder who they're with. A part of me is jealous of whoever...

And most of all, I wonder if it would ever occur to anyone that tonight I am hurting and that there are tears in my eyes because I miss them so much.

突然剩我捱下去
即將葬身歡騰鬧市　電話為何仍未響
突然害怕難面對
雙雙友好噓寒問暖　自己仍然無伴侶
佳節熱鬧倒數像諷刺著我

誰人像我一個人誰人沒氣力談情
避免感觸太多感覺太亂難清醒
成全幸福的拼圖　人潮中我漸忘形
這天燈飾照閃　假使你在旁
今天應該更高興

Fading

I knew it was pointless to ask, and I knew that you would never come. But, still, I can't help feeling sad and disappointed. Every time I try, I know that chances are I would be disappointed, but a part of me still hopes for a miracle. And every time, in return, it hurts just that much more.

Perhaps I am not worth the time. Perhaps there are better things to do.

Perhaps there is someone else...

Mistake?

I thought I could not care, but I can't. I thought I would regret not doing anything, but now a part of me regrets that I did do something.

也許...我又做錯了......

明知是會令自己失望的﹐為什麼我還是要去做﹖

Out of Order

When I passed by today, only 50m away, would my little friend, at that moment, be coming out to greet his new master?

='(

What in the world is wrong with me today? I cannot do anything right. My head is throbbing. My heart is racing. I'm frustrated. I'm shaking. I want to cry. I want to tear myself apart.

And I don't have a f**king clue why.

希望

希望我今天做的事不會是令人討嚴的。
希望我還有能力令人開心。
希望......

其實...我已經對所有事沒什麼希望。

What If...

What would you think if I purposely crashed the car?......because I've had the urge to do that many times.

What would you think if I went to sleep one night and never wake up again?......because I have no strength left to play this game.

What would you think if I stood in front of you and stabbed myself?......because that is precisely what I want to do.

What reason do I have to be alive?

Addicted to You

In today's lecture about drug addiction, the prof ended off stating what he thought was the best way to treat drug addictions: Wipe out the memory of euphoria brought on by the drugs and there is no longer a reason/need to seek the drug.

I 'laughed' at that because it was so similar to my own thoughts about something else...

有人跟我說曾經擁有是一件好事。但對我來說﹐就是因為曾經擁有所以更加掛念﹐更加痛。若真的要把所有事放低﹐除非能把種種的記憶忘記。

但這是沒有可能的事。

我也不願這樣。

Invisible Wall

There is one thing that we said that I will always remember, because it gave me a lot of mixed feelings. Although there was a certain amount of warmth to it, it also carried with it a great amount of sadness...

You said that I am never quite close enough even when I am in your arms. My reply was that no matter how tight I hug you, it still doesn't feel like enough.

I really meant that. Every time, I would try to hug you as tight as I could and refuse to let go. Yet, it seemed that I could never get close enough, and time would always run out.

Today, I read something..."I've waited a long, long time, all my life -- and now that I've found you at last, I can't get near you. Why is it? Tell me."

And all of a sudden, I finally realize why I/we felt that distance...