2007

It seems a little hard to believe that 2007 is coming to the end. Somehow, in my mind, it seems that 2006 just passed not too long ago. Perhaps my mind is still stuck in the past. Perhaps I am still lingering on too many things.

2007. I cannot say if it was better or worse than 2006, but it was not a good year.

It seems I've wasted another year of my life. I cannot think of anything productive that I've done. Perhaps I've taken a step towards certain things, but the results of my efforts (or lack of) are still yet to be determined. Perhaps I have also taken a dangerous step forward in other steps of my life. For better or worse? For now, it seems worse.

So, what can I remember...

Feb 1. I was kicked out of the game without an explanation. And after the entire year, it seems I am still (and forever will be) disqualified.

July 14. MCAT. I wouldn't say it was as hard as I expected, but it was definitely one of the most stressful and frustrating days of the year. To finish it off, the results were not good. Having said that, at this point in time, I know I really don't have a reason to do it again.

Aug 26. Last day of camp. This was perhaps one of the most memorable days of the year, in a good and bad way. It was the first time in my life that I was outside late at night and early in the morning for the sole purpose of watching the stars and sunrise. A good experience. But what made it most memorable to me was what we were thinking at the time. Perhaps there is something magical about the sun and stars. All five of us were thinking of a special person in our lives...

It's been another 12 months. I still care. I still think. I still feel. Perhaps I can never do enough to prove myself, but I can very honestly say that there was never a day when anything changed in my mind.

A while ago, I told myself that tonight I would go to bed early and attempt to sleep through this day, so that my mind would not be on certain things. But here I am. I could not get myself to go to bed, because a part of me still childishly hopes for something. And in a few hours, when I finally wear myself out enough to fall asleep, I will regret it, because I've again made the mistake of hoping, which leads to more disappointment and pain than anything.

Tonight, as I sit here, I still wish for the same things I wished for a year ago. The only difference is that this year, it all seems much further away. Perhaps I also purposely chose to pick up a new toy today. I should be excited, but I am more afraid to touch it, because everything about it plays on my emotions.

Two years. I can't help but wonder if it was what happened then that makes my sincerity questionable. If I could re-live the moment, I would try to be a little braver, because some things are just too important.

I know I don't have the chance or the privilege to speak anymore. I wish for one thing tonight. I wish that I could spend the last second of 2007 and the first second of 2008 with a special person. But a wish is nothing more than a wish.

Nobody will never receive my messages, but I will still send it out here.

From the bottom of my heart...Happy New Year.