To my one and only...

Merry Christmas.
I love you.

Why?

Why am I crying over someone who refuses to talk to me?
Why do I do all these stupid things to make a fool of myself?

Why do I still love you so much?

F**k.

='(

Almost...

A medic came in today...

So close...
But not close enough...

The world is so small,
But never quite small enough.

從來沒有變...

更加明白
更加了解

更加心煩
更加心痛

更加愛妳

Bittersweet...

So many words exchanged...
So much that can never be resolved...

If enduring the pain would allow me to keep the love, I'd rather suffer forever.

Perhaps that is selfish, because you would have to suffer with me.

But I'd rather you hate me for that, than to be here without you.

The Other Path

Why is it so hard for some people to understand that not everybody thinks the same way???

Yes. You have very good reasons to tell me to do this and that.
Yes. Maybe you don't like that way I think.
Yes. Perhaps I am not as efficient as you are.
But I do not function the same way you do!!!

Call me lazy. Call me failure.
I'm the one with the information.
I'm the one who's figuring it out.

For f**k sake, I'm no kid.
I will do what I need to do when I feel it is time to do it!
Leave me alone!

Memory Jolt

All of a sudden, all these things appear in front of me...

1) chat logs
2) monkey
3) dream
4) hotel
5) osc
6) people

What now?

Door Unlocked

After almost two years of trying, I have somehow magically managed to decrypt the chat logs.

For some reason I now regret it...

What now?

Frozen

Why do I have this feeling?

Just a few lines of text and it seems so much like you...

The style.
The content.

Maybe I am thinking of you.

Twisted

Everything I said is entirely valid.
You can disagree with my perspective.
But you can't say I'm wrong.

You have no right to trash me.

Why is it always like this?
About anything and everything.

I don't agree with your perspective either.
But I have the decency to let you have your opinion.

And you say I'm twisted?

身...心...

太多記憶
太多感覺
太多幻想

還可以嗎...?

October

It's October 2008.
It's been two years.

I tried. And I am still trying.

But in the end, will you still be there?

In my heart, nothing has changed.

But it seems I am of absolutely no importance to you anymore.

='(

Somewhere Out There

While driving home from Waterloo last night, I saw the moon and this song popped into my head...

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

Are you still out there? Will you still look up at the stars and think of me? Will you still pray for me? Will I see you again?

Do you still remember?

I miss you.

='(

Drinking...

From tea...
To coffee...
To black coffee...
To pop...
To...

If only alcohol was readily accessible.

White Night

The third time...
Still the same...
No less...

I Hate FB.

How many people, other than me, would actually recognize you from that FB picture? Of all pictures, you chose that one.

I think......
(1) You've already found me.
(2) You know I know.
(3) You know I know you know.

What would you do if I messaged you?
What would you do if I tried to add you?

What do you want???

So much for networking...

Treasure What You Have

Why did I hesitate?
Why didn't I make a move?
Why didn't I have the courage to say those words?

But I do care...more than anything...more than ever...

Swollen eyes......again......

='(

Silence

A few words from you means more than anything...

Can I hear your voice again?

='(

Counting

1...
2...
3...

But so what?

Down...

Too many familiar scenes and places...
Too many wishes...

What's worse......remembering or forgetting?
What's wose......hoping or letting go?

Memories + Imagination = Emotional Catastrophe

Then and Now (IV)

Two years ago, I could still call you and hear your voice.
Two years ago, I could leave and know that you'd still be there when I got back.
Two years ago, I could firmly tell myself that some things will not change.

Today, I cannot hear your voice.
Today, I don't know where you are.
Today, I don't know what to think or feel.

It's been ages since we talked, but you're still the one I miss most.

Are you still there...?

[......]

重

心...
很亂......
很痛......

=(

Games

Incorrect insurance claim: Paramedical services

Destination of the day: Corporate Drive

This is not funny...

The Truth of the Truth

What right do you have to tell me to stop lying to myself, when you are the one that wants me to do something that I don't believe???

I know what I want. I know what I feel. You are the one trying to make me believe otherwise.

I don't want to lie to myself.

That is precisely why there is a problem between me and you.

Heros of the Night

Ming Pao's Saturday Magazine had an article about EMS. I told myself I would not read it, but did...

The article mentioned a lot of things, and a million things rushed into my mind. The medic’s stories and frustrations sounded all too familiar...

I'm sorry...

Can I hold you in my arms again?...

Please?...

='(

Then and Now (III)

While cleaning out the clutter in my room, I came across school pictures from both elementary school and high school.

Someone looked at my elementary school picture and commented that I smiled from the inside. Perhaps so.

Not too long ago someone looked at one of my childhood pictures and said I looked genuinely happy. Then, this person asked me where that happy child went...

I don't know. But that child will never be found again.

Don't tell me to smile. I don't know how to fake a smile for you.

Then and Now (II)

The big event of last week was K's high school graduation ceremony. Four years later, BA still holds its grad at the same place on the same Thursday night.

I feel old. All those little kids that used to come to our house to play and have sleepovers have all become adults. It seems that they have all grown, but I am still stuck somewhere in time...

Being at that same place, my mind thought back to my own high school grad, and how different the feeling was compared to last week's university convocation...

20040624:
This evening was exciting. All 600+ of the class of 2004. Among them, many I had known for almost, if not more than, 10 years. The atmosphere was good. And for once, I could almost feel proud of myself, because the very last and most prestigious award of the night was presented to me. MM went around telling people she knows me. People congratulated my parents. For once, I accomplished something.

20080617:
Four years later, at this supposedly much more important university convocation, I felt nothing. I did not want to be there, and nobody else was excited about anything either. When I saw KL after the ceremony, she said to me, "You lied to me! You said you weren't good with academics, but you got high distinction!" I laughed, and thought, 'But it doesn't mean anything to anyone.' And that's the truth. Nobody knows what it means, and it's not enough to warrant anything.

I wish a certain someone could have been there at convo. And as impossible as it is, I wish that this same person could have been there four years ago.

I wish...

Then and Now (I)

20040626:

For the first time, I saw hocc performing live. The experience was overwhelming.

But did something else happen that day? Did two paths cross?

20080626:

What has become of the paths that once merged into one? Have they separated out again? Or are they merely running side by side, waiting to cross again?

Uninvited Guest

Perhaps you will never see this. Perhaps you don't care. But I still want to say it...

Many times today, I felt my eyes getting watery. Not out of joy, but great sense of loss, because you were not here today.

I did not have the courage to invite you. But I know you would not come even if I did. Regardless, that unused ticket will always be yours.

If only one person could come today, I would want it to be you. Without you, I would have given up three years ago. Without you, I would not have a reason to keep trying. Without you, I would not be here today. You were the one that knows what it's like to be in my shoes. You were the one that knew when I was struggling and weak. And most importantly, you were the one who gave me the strength and support to keep going. If anyone should be here today, it is you.

Thank you for everything.

[......]

Convocation

The end of another chapter. Officially no longer a student.

The two hour ceremony was, honestly, quite boring. But being a once-in-a-lifetime thing, there was no good excuse to skip it.

For many reasons, today will be memorable. But for more negative than positive reasons:

It was raining. It rained during the procession over to the hall. It rained after the ceremony when 1000+ people were outside taking pictures. The best shelter...under the trees across the hall.

The ceremony was in a certain place that I haven't been to in perhaps two years. But I can remember exactly what it was like to be there then.

There were three people that I wanted to be there: (1) my family - despite being there, they seemed totally uninterested; (2) RY - she wanted to come, but couldn't get the day off; and (3) a person I did not actually invite, and so was not there.

July 17, 2008 will be memorable...for all the imperfections.

Karma

Two years ago I could not do something so simple.

How can I expect/want the same?

='(

Exhaustion

Exhausted......but still can't seem to sleep......

I remember the last time I felt this tired, I 'collapsed' in someone's arms. It was the first time in my life that I could totally let go of everything and just rest. It was like I can just let go, and this person would be here to hold me up.

Where are you now?

A while ago, the Ikea commercial asked the question, "Where did you have your best sleep?"

My answer......on the floor, in someone's arms.

The Last Ticket

It seems everyone is happy to be graduating, to be going to the convocation ceremony. People are putting on their gowns, taking pictures with family and friends, getting ready for the final moment.

Being on campus everyday, I've been watching all of this happen.

My own big day is only a week away. Yet, I am not excited and not looking forward to it at all. The more I see, the more I hate it. I don't want anyone to go to my grad, nor do I want to go at all. I am not in the mood to celebrate anything, nor is there anything to celebrate.

I am still holding on to one last ticket...

But it will never be used.

Addict

Every single time, while finishing the last few sips of my coffee, there is always a bitter taste. At that point, despite the initial craving, I remind myself that I don't really like coffee that much. Yet, by the next day, I would go back for more...

I've been drinking tea for as long as I can remember. But it seems I've lost interest recently. For some reason, it just doesn't taste as good as it did before...

If only the Canada Dry I'm drinking wasn't dry...

Looking Glass

I've always liked walking out in the streets at night. There is a very peaceful yet exciting feeling to it, especially if you're downtown.

But when I finally had the chance to take a walk last night, there was an incredible feeling of emptiness...

Perhaps...I was rather out of place...because nobody else walked alone...

While driving past all the buildings last night, I wondered...

If I looked up to a certain window tonight, would the lights be on or off?

......

Baby Monkey

Did she say it by accident?
Or is she trying to test me?

I did not react.
But inside, I froze.

Truce

I hate this fake resolution.

I hate pretending that everything is okay when I know it's not.

I hate it when people make general comments about things when it's obvious that it's directed at me.

I hate how everyone, including myself, is avoiding the situation.

Connections

What determines the relationship that you build with someone? Your personality? His/Her personality? Circumstances? Fate? Or something else?

PERSON #1 I've known for 15 years. We meet up for each other's birthdays and for Christmas. We talk about everything from family, school, work, to travels. But for whatever reason, I cannot bring myself to trust her completely and tell her about the deeper things.

PERSON(S) #2 are a group of people that I had every single class with for 4-8 years. Despite the long time, I never had a meaningful relationship with any one of them.

PERSON #3 is a person I spent time with for less than 9 months. But I trust this person more than anyone else in the world.

Why is it that some people connect and others don't?

Why is it that some people stay in your life and others don't?

給媽媽的信

On AM1430, they have been holding a contest/session entitled "給媽媽的信", a letter to mom.

I've always thought about this, because I know for a fact that I can communicate much better in writing than in speech. But this would never work, because (1) I could never write in Chinese all the thing I need/want to say; (2) She would never fully understand what I write in English; and (3) There is bound to be misunderstandings and arguments about what I really mean.

So today...Mother's Day...for the 3rd year in a row...I am not doing anything at all.

I would gladly spend the day with you and pay for all the expenses.

But you don't want me there.

Where are you now?

March 28, 08: There was a shooting at a particular intersection. A certain heaviness was in me the whole day.

Today: There was a car accident at that same intersection. Again, I could not help worrying.

In a TV series I watched recently, someone asked, "What are you afraid of?"

I'm afraid of losing the people I love.

Rain

Every time it rains I look out the window and remember certain things.

Every time it rains I remember how someone once went out in the rain because of me.

Every time it rains......

I don't want it to rain. It's depressing.

But I don't want sunshine either. That's depressing too.

I want......

Who cares. It doesn't matter what I want. It never does.

長大

人不是越大越堅強的嗎﹖

為什麼我比以往更怕凍﹐更怕一個人﹐更怕寂寞﹖

18...19...20...21..................22.

Last night I told myself I wouldn't cry, and until I finally wore myself out enough to sleep at 3am, I was okay. But when I finally did lie down...I don't know why......

This morning I woke up and for about five minutes I could forget what day it was. But only five minutes......

For the entire day, every hour or so, I received e-mails and messages and what not. I am grateful for all the people who took the time to drop me a line. But none of them was the person I want to hear from most.

Every year, RY would plan to have dinner with me either the weekend before or after. For the past few years, I went, for the sake of seeing her and whoever else happens to go, but this year I turned down the offer using tomorrow's BCH445 exam as an excuse. I am grateful to have RY in my life, and for almost 15 years too. But she, too, is not the person I want to see today.

18...19...20...21..................22.

It's been nonstop downhill...and there's still more to come.

And it will always be a one-man war...

Where were you today? What were you doing? Have you forgotten? Did I ever cross your mind today?

Or it just doesn't matter to you anymore?

='(

"APR 21 2008"

Again and again, I stamped "APR 21 2008" onto papers today...

JK used to always count down to her birthday, even when it was months away. A girl that came into the office today was eager to leave and choose her b-day cake. I've gotten so many invitations to people's big b-day bashes on facebook.

Yet, the more times I saw that stamped date, the more depressed I started to feel...

I don't need to count down the days, nor will anyone else. Nobody will buy me a cake, nor do I want one. And I will never be a person that throws parties.

If anything, I wish there was a way to skip that day, I wish I could just forget it completely...

Please...just leave me alone.

勞斯﹐萊斯飲醉了。

勞斯.萊斯 Blues Version...

Perhaps I am biased. Perhaps I have too many attachments to the song. But this remix just doesn't 'hit' me the way the original does.

The blue version image...勞斯 and 萊斯 each sitting alone in some smoky bar, half passed out, still trying to hold on to something. (Or perhaps that's just my mood, and not the song at all...)

But somehow, the original version has that pure and innocent feeling to it, which is essential to the song.

......

Maybe I'm thinking too much again...

第一次...

...就是你。

我怎可能忘記你?

一個人不寂寞。
想一個人才寂寞。

今天...我會想起你。
你...還會記得嗎?



還可以嗎?

Goodbyes

Goodbye mountain.
Goodbye spaceship.
Goodbye...

Waiting...Forever...

Last year tonight, I went to watch a show that I had waited for for years. The show was great, but I did not enjoy it, because something more important was missing.

[I once said I would rather not go than to go without you. I'm sorry. I didn't keep that promise, but only because I had hoped for a different miracle. I regret it. After that day, I told myself I would never do it again, because without you it would never feel right.]

Tonight, I sit here writing frantically, rushing to finish a report on a whole year's worth of work. And still, the feeling is not right, and the missing piece is still yet to be found.

While listening to the radio in the car, a girl called into the show saying that she missed someone that she had broken up with. In reply to that, the DJ said...

When you truly loved someone with all your heart and that relationship ends, all the things associated with it don't. The memories will always be there, and you will never stop missing that person. The desire to be part of his/her life will always be there, and you'll always wonder where they are. And most importantly, the love will always still be there.

I agree......Do you?

That pain and emptiness is all too much...

='(

Rediscover

In my memory, it was this day three years ago that it began. Sadly, I don't even have a way of knowing anymore.

Three years ago, I 'discovered' a person that changed my life.
Today, I '(re)discovered' a picture.

It was tempting to push the button. But when I think about it, I hesitate to do so. I doubt many people other than me would know that picture. But, on the other hand, perhaps it has no meaning at all. I can be found. I'm pretty sure I have been found. But it seems I am still uninvited.

I was kicked out of the game. Am I allowed to re-enter myself back into it? Or have I been banned for life?

"moms are so wai dai"

Someone just said this to me......

I stared at it, not knowing how to react.

The irony: This is a person who I suspect knows. She ended the conversation right after that.

Do I believe that? I always have and still do.

But you cannot tell someone you love them and care for them and then impose everything you think is good on them. Just because you think it's good doesn't mean it's what they need.

Have you ever really considered what it is that I want?

Reality and Imagination Converge

Do dreams reflect the past or the future?...Some say they are a result of your thoughts when you are awake; some say they are a prediction of the future...

Every day, as the subway passes certain places, I have the urge to go and do something. But after all this time, I still do not yet have the courage to do so, because doing so could mean I create another war in everybody's lives. At the same time, perhaps it is also the only way for me to find the answers to all my unanswered questions.

Last night I dreamed of myself going to do this task. I only saw one side of the outcome, and it was a good one. But what about the other side?

"Clear Text"

Many times today, I picked up my phone and started writing. But after the first few words, I stopped and hit 'clear text'. Would I upset you? Would you reject me? I just don't know anymore.

It's like this every time...A little less hope; a little more disappointment...And that hole in my heart gets just a little bit bigger...

Yet, again and again, I set out to do it all over again...

(^)...[.......]...

='(

To you...

Happy Birthday, my dear. Have a great day, doing whatever it is you plan to do, with whoever it is you're with. I hope that you're happy. I hope that you're well. I hope that you're safe. May life bring you all the love and happiness that you deserve. [.......]...and that will never change.

I want to be the first one to send you greetings and wishes today. But you will never see or hear these words. Regardless, I hope that they would somehow magically reach you. I'd give anything to be able to hold you in my arms and say all the things that are inside.

If I'm lucky, perhaps you received my little gift, and perhaps you would still think of me today and smile.

Happy Birthday.
[..........]

='(

1...

It's really none of my business.
I really shouldn't even know.
But I do know.
And I do care.

Feeling stupid...

=(

No Returns. No Exchanges.

Once again, today I went and did something that I might end up regretting...

And in the process, I made a fool of myself, yet again...

Cashier: You want to write your return address? If you don't, you won't get it back if it gets lost.
Me: Um....no.
(I pay for everything.)
Cashier: Are you sure you don't want to write your address?
Me: Yea.

That girl must think I am sending something illegal...

In my world, that probably is pretty close to being 'illegal'....

*sighs*

Yesterday's 470 Lecture...
Topic: General and Local Anesthesia
Speaker: Susan Belo, MD, Department of Anesthesia, Sunnybrook

......

PersonalDNA

Wake Up Call

After working through the entire night, I picked up the phone this morning at 6:30am to wake up my partner in crime so that she could finish up the last of the 50+ page lab report.

(Unfortunately, she was totally passed out, did not hear the phone and did not get up until about three hours later. But I don't blame her, because our other partner had also passed out on his keyboard and I was totally disoriented for the entire day.)

While dialing the number, it struck me that I have not made a phone call so early in the morning for some two years...

There is something special about waking someone up and hearing their sleepy voice. At that moment, they are so half asleep, so unaware, so vulnerable, that it's like you're talking to a child. Along with that, you can picture them half consciously holding the phone while still curled up in bed. That soft, lazy voice has a way of making you smile. Perhaps, because of that, there is a very sweet feeling about it...

And, perhaps, it's the thought or wish of actually being there that makes it so intimate....

Can I have that honour again?

Please?

='(

Truth and Lies

Two years ago I lied to you, partly because I was unsure of myself, partly because I was not ready to tell you, partly because I knew how you'd react.

Two years later I told you the truth, partly because I hoped that you'd listen, partly because I hoped that you'd understand, partly because I just didn't know how to lie anymore.

I was wrong to lie. I was wrong to hope.

I can lie to you again and say the words that you want to hear. But what's the point, when I know you don't believe me and you know I don't mean it.

I can promise you anything. I can do anything to please you. But inside, it will never end.

I'd rather you hate me and find my own answers, than make a promise to you that I know I cannot keep.

I'm sorry.

Rage Against the Storm

While driving past an ambulance amidst the snow storm today, it occurred to me that I am almost glad that you do not have a job as a medic. The thought of you out working in the endless storm hurts and scares me.

If you were still a medic, I'd be worried sick about you.

Actually...even on a perfectly good day, I am still worried about you.

Are you safe? Are you well? Are you happy?

If only I could know...

Silent Words

So much going through the mind...
But no words are adequate...

Perhaps some things can only be expressed in silence...
Perhaps some things can only be felt...

If only someone could hear me...

Fallen Haven

While talking to JQ at 2AM, I mentioned to her that I was exhausted and perhaps stressed out from school. In reply to that, she said that she thinks there are things bigger than school that are bothering me and that I seem to be carrying some kind of burden.

To hear that from someone that I've known for only four days and the odd msn chat...what a shock.

Yes. I am stressed. I am exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

But how can I rest when there is no longer a safe place to hide?

Replay

[How many times do I need to hear the words "Auto Show" in one day???]

Perhaps I am trying to keep a piece of something that I cannot have. Perhaps I am forever trying to gain an understanding of something that I cannot fully understand. Perhaps I am trying to make sense of my own life.

In the process, I've discovered much more...
Stories...
Risks...
Treasures...
Hands...

You.

Invisible Presence

Traces...
Invisible...
Yet I know...

*sigh*

Drained

For whatever reason, it's been a tough struggle to hold back the tears these few days. Perhaps it's all the memories running through my mind in the last little while. Perhaps it's the feeling of being overwhelmed by all the things that are going wrong. Perhaps it's the thought of my totally nonexisting reading week.

A few days ago my boss talked to me about the fact that I had forgotten to do a few things a few times in the last little while. Being the nice guy that he is, he put it in a very polite and understanding way. He said that it's not like me to be like that and said he thinks that I am stressed and under too much pressure. Regardless, I felt horrible.

Apart from being a huge slap on the face, it was rather 'interesting' that he said I am stressed. It seems that in the last year or so I often have people saying this to me. All my life I've tried to keep my cool even when everyone else is freaking out. After all, I have the responsibility to deal with my own shit. I've been so good at it that everyone thinks that I can handle anything.

Maybe I'm getting old? Maybe my life is getting too complicated for me to handle. It seems to be harder and harder to deal with everything, and the feeling of being overwhelmed just seems to always creep up on me.

Oh yeah...my leg is still busted.

Physically, mentally and emotionally drained...

But so what?...Just have to keep going, keep fighting, keep pretending to be okay.

Do You Still...? (2)

Feb 14 always starts off with a -1. There will always, and forever, be a reason for me to hate this day.

And of course, the events of today continued to worsen this hell of a week: 2 hours of sleep, no lunch, messed up lab, and my leg is starting to feel numb and I can barely walk.

Two years ago today, it suddenly occurred to me that February 14th is Valentine's Day and perhaps I should do something about it. I had no idea what to do and was not entirely sure if it really was appropriate at that point to act on that thought. Perhaps nobody would ever know, but for once, there was a reason for me to be happy.

Last year today, I tried to tell myself that it's all over and done with and tried to convince myself that I didn't care. For the first time in my life, I really hated this day.

Today, after an entire year of attempting to make myself believe that I don't care, I, again, seriously wondered if I should be doing something. Yet, this time, it seemed even more inappropriate, and I was even more afraid to act on it.

While on the run today, seeing all the people holding their gifts and flowers, I realized it is not the lack of receiving that makes me sad, but the fact that I cannot have the opportunity to give these things to someone that is special to me.

For some reason, I was particularly aware of the rings on people's fingers today. And naturally, I could not help noticing the ring on my own hand. Every time I see it, I wonder what it was supposed to mean. To me, it is important and has a certain significance, and that is the reason I continue to wear it. But was it intended to carry such meaning? Does it still hold now?

Did someone else send you things today? Did someone else spend the evening with you? Is someone else in your arms tonight?

Would you be happy if I sent you flowers and gifts? Would you ever want to spend this day with me? Would you think of me today?

Do you still...?

='(

Trash

It was partially my fault this time, and I wanted to apologize. But when all the unrelated things get brought into the picture, that I will not tolerate. You can go on thinking what you want and accusing me of whatever you want. I'm tired of trying to communicate with you and getting trashed for everything. There is nothing left to say. You are clearly not interested in repairing the situation.

Going Home

From I don't know when, the act of walking into a condo building and taking the elevator up to a flat has somehow become associated with a very strong feeling of going home. Whenever I think of going home, that is the picture that comes to mind.

Tonight I stood by the window in someone's condo...and I remembered the many times that I looked out the window from someone else's place...

Coincidentally, as I looked out the window tonight, this other place (that I so long to be) was in perfect view.

*sigh*...It's these subconscious things that make me realize how much it all means to me...

CNY

The festivities always seems to get to me. Every time I hear people say greetings to me, or even not to me, my eyes just automatically well up with tears. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years....gets me every time...

And it is always these days that I truly realize what it is I want from life...

*sigh*

Happy New Year...

Do you still...? (1)

Snow Day...I always get worried when the weather is bad...are you safe?

-----

A year later, am I the only one who is still hurting? Am I the only one who still wishes and hopes?

I don't know. I really don't know. A part of me is crushed, because to have nothing and know nothing for an entire year was all too much to handle. Another part of me wants to believe, because the answers my heart gives me are good ones. But am I just trying to comfort myself with my imagination? Or do I genuinely believe it?

Someone once said to me that when we ask questions, we are only trying to get a confirmation of the answers we already have. I have a lot of questions, and a lot of answers too, so perhaps the questions never need to be asked. But I lack the faith to believe them...because I doubt myself.

Tell me...What are you thinking? What are you feeling?

It's truly been a year, do you still...?

[Blank]

Can't find the words...

Me, Myself and I?

HOCC:
"對我來說，每個人都是一個個體，都會有不同的想法要求跟背景，
只有自己才能真正了解自己需要一些什麼，
旁邊幾千幾萬個要加插意見的人 當然也有他們的自由，
說妳應該這樣不應該這樣，這樣不夠好那樣比較好。
但到最後走這條路的還不是你自己一個，
臨終回頭一看，只會看到自己做到和做不到的，
這些在一旁評頭品足的人也不過是如風一般來去沖沖的過客，
跟本不會出現在你的人生板圖上，
讓你選擇，你真的會為了不惹到他們而放棄自己的做法嗎?"

I agree. I choose what I choose. Because for once, I realize what it is I really want, and I don't want to let go of it.

But what do you do when the people interfering are your family? Are you justified to disregard them too?

哭了

這兩天...終於忍不住...哭了。

I'm not sure why I cried. Perhaps I dread going back to school again. Perhaps it is the sadness that has come over me from not being able to do all those things that I wanted to do. Perhaps it is the realization (for the nth time) of where I stand.

為什麼生活總是那麼矛盾﹖

I do not want to go back to school tomorrow. If there's anything that I'm really tired of in life, it would be school. But at the same time, I dread the fact that it will all be over in a few months. Then what? The whole world is watching me, and I don't know what to do.

The thing that played on my emotions the most this holiday was the same thing that bugged me last year. All I wanted was to spend the holidays with a special person. Is that too much to ask for? I tried. Perhaps it wasn't enough. Perhaps I am undeserving. *sigh*...Did my little friend even reach his destination?

I love someone. I love my family. Where is the conflict in this?

無奈...

Next Up...Not Me.

Perhaps I've taken it all too seriously.
Perhaps I am holding on to something that no longer exists.
Perhaps I am too possessive.
Perhaps I am jealous.
Perhaps I am selfish.

But every time a certain thought came into my mind,
I could feel an unbearable sting in my heart...

原來最痛的不是我愛的人不再理我,
而是想起他身邊可能有一個他更愛的人。