Fallen Haven

While talking to JQ at 2AM, I mentioned to her that I was exhausted and perhaps stressed out from school. In reply to that, she said that she thinks there are things bigger than school that are bothering me and that I seem to be carrying some kind of burden.

To hear that from someone that I've known for only four days and the odd msn chat...what a shock.

Yes. I am stressed. I am exhausted. I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

But how can I rest when there is no longer a safe place to hide?

Replay

[How many times do I need to hear the words "Auto Show" in one day???]

Perhaps I am trying to keep a piece of something that I cannot have. Perhaps I am forever trying to gain an understanding of something that I cannot fully understand. Perhaps I am trying to make sense of my own life.

In the process, I've discovered much more...
Stories...
Risks...
Treasures...
Hands...

You.

Invisible Presence

Traces...
Invisible...
Yet I know...

*sigh*

Drained

For whatever reason, it's been a tough struggle to hold back the tears these few days. Perhaps it's all the memories running through my mind in the last little while. Perhaps it's the feeling of being overwhelmed by all the things that are going wrong. Perhaps it's the thought of my totally nonexisting reading week.

A few days ago my boss talked to me about the fact that I had forgotten to do a few things a few times in the last little while. Being the nice guy that he is, he put it in a very polite and understanding way. He said that it's not like me to be like that and said he thinks that I am stressed and under too much pressure. Regardless, I felt horrible.

Apart from being a huge slap on the face, it was rather 'interesting' that he said I am stressed. It seems that in the last year or so I often have people saying this to me. All my life I've tried to keep my cool even when everyone else is freaking out. After all, I have the responsibility to deal with my own shit. I've been so good at it that everyone thinks that I can handle anything.

Maybe I'm getting old? Maybe my life is getting too complicated for me to handle. It seems to be harder and harder to deal with everything, and the feeling of being overwhelmed just seems to always creep up on me.

Oh yeah...my leg is still busted.

Physically, mentally and emotionally drained...

But so what?...Just have to keep going, keep fighting, keep pretending to be okay.

Do You Still...? (2)

Feb 14 always starts off with a -1. There will always, and forever, be a reason for me to hate this day.

And of course, the events of today continued to worsen this hell of a week: 2 hours of sleep, no lunch, messed up lab, and my leg is starting to feel numb and I can barely walk.

Two years ago today, it suddenly occurred to me that February 14th is Valentine's Day and perhaps I should do something about it. I had no idea what to do and was not entirely sure if it really was appropriate at that point to act on that thought. Perhaps nobody would ever know, but for once, there was a reason for me to be happy.

Last year today, I tried to tell myself that it's all over and done with and tried to convince myself that I didn't care. For the first time in my life, I really hated this day.

Today, after an entire year of attempting to make myself believe that I don't care, I, again, seriously wondered if I should be doing something. Yet, this time, it seemed even more inappropriate, and I was even more afraid to act on it.

While on the run today, seeing all the people holding their gifts and flowers, I realized it is not the lack of receiving that makes me sad, but the fact that I cannot have the opportunity to give these things to someone that is special to me.

For some reason, I was particularly aware of the rings on people's fingers today. And naturally, I could not help noticing the ring on my own hand. Every time I see it, I wonder what it was supposed to mean. To me, it is important and has a certain significance, and that is the reason I continue to wear it. But was it intended to carry such meaning? Does it still hold now?

Did someone else send you things today? Did someone else spend the evening with you? Is someone else in your arms tonight?

Would you be happy if I sent you flowers and gifts? Would you ever want to spend this day with me? Would you think of me today?

Do you still...?

='(

Trash

It was partially my fault this time, and I wanted to apologize. But when all the unrelated things get brought into the picture, that I will not tolerate. You can go on thinking what you want and accusing me of whatever you want. I'm tired of trying to communicate with you and getting trashed for everything. There is nothing left to say. You are clearly not interested in repairing the situation.

Going Home

From I don't know when, the act of walking into a condo building and taking the elevator up to a flat has somehow become associated with a very strong feeling of going home. Whenever I think of going home, that is the picture that comes to mind.

Tonight I stood by the window in someone's condo...and I remembered the many times that I looked out the window from someone else's place...

Coincidentally, as I looked out the window tonight, this other place (that I so long to be) was in perfect view.

*sigh*...It's these subconscious things that make me realize how much it all means to me...

CNY

The festivities always seems to get to me. Every time I hear people say greetings to me, or even not to me, my eyes just automatically well up with tears. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years....gets me every time...

And it is always these days that I truly realize what it is I want from life...

*sigh*

Happy New Year...

Do you still...? (1)

Snow Day...I always get worried when the weather is bad...are you safe?

-----

A year later, am I the only one who is still hurting? Am I the only one who still wishes and hopes?

I don't know. I really don't know. A part of me is crushed, because to have nothing and know nothing for an entire year was all too much to handle. Another part of me wants to believe, because the answers my heart gives me are good ones. But am I just trying to comfort myself with my imagination? Or do I genuinely believe it?

Someone once said to me that when we ask questions, we are only trying to get a confirmation of the answers we already have. I have a lot of questions, and a lot of answers too, so perhaps the questions never need to be asked. But I lack the faith to believe them...because I doubt myself.

Tell me...What are you thinking? What are you feeling?

It's truly been a year, do you still...?