Do You Still...? (2)

Feb 14 always starts off with a -1. There will always, and forever, be a reason for me to hate this day.

And of course, the events of today continued to worsen this hell of a week: 2 hours of sleep, no lunch, messed up lab, and my leg is starting to feel numb and I can barely walk.

Two years ago today, it suddenly occurred to me that February 14th is Valentine's Day and perhaps I should do something about it. I had no idea what to do and was not entirely sure if it really was appropriate at that point to act on that thought. Perhaps nobody would ever know, but for once, there was a reason for me to be happy.

Last year today, I tried to tell myself that it's all over and done with and tried to convince myself that I didn't care. For the first time in my life, I really hated this day.

Today, after an entire year of attempting to make myself believe that I don't care, I, again, seriously wondered if I should be doing something. Yet, this time, it seemed even more inappropriate, and I was even more afraid to act on it.

While on the run today, seeing all the people holding their gifts and flowers, I realized it is not the lack of receiving that makes me sad, but the fact that I cannot have the opportunity to give these things to someone that is special to me.

For some reason, I was particularly aware of the rings on people's fingers today. And naturally, I could not help noticing the ring on my own hand. Every time I see it, I wonder what it was supposed to mean. To me, it is important and has a certain significance, and that is the reason I continue to wear it. But was it intended to carry such meaning? Does it still hold now?

Did someone else send you things today? Did someone else spend the evening with you? Is someone else in your arms tonight?

Would you be happy if I sent you flowers and gifts? Would you ever want to spend this day with me? Would you think of me today?

Do you still...?

='(