Reality and Imagination Converge

Do dreams reflect the past or the future?...Some say they are a result of your thoughts when you are awake; some say they are a prediction of the future...

Every day, as the subway passes certain places, I have the urge to go and do something. But after all this time, I still do not yet have the courage to do so, because doing so could mean I create another war in everybody's lives. At the same time, perhaps it is also the only way for me to find the answers to all my unanswered questions.

Last night I dreamed of myself going to do this task. I only saw one side of the outcome, and it was a good one. But what about the other side?

"Clear Text"

Many times today, I picked up my phone and started writing. But after the first few words, I stopped and hit 'clear text'. Would I upset you? Would you reject me? I just don't know anymore.

It's like this every time...A little less hope; a little more disappointment...And that hole in my heart gets just a little bit bigger...

Yet, again and again, I set out to do it all over again...

(^)...[.......]...

='(

To you...

Happy Birthday, my dear. Have a great day, doing whatever it is you plan to do, with whoever it is you're with. I hope that you're happy. I hope that you're well. I hope that you're safe. May life bring you all the love and happiness that you deserve. [.......]...and that will never change.

I want to be the first one to send you greetings and wishes today. But you will never see or hear these words. Regardless, I hope that they would somehow magically reach you. I'd give anything to be able to hold you in my arms and say all the things that are inside.

If I'm lucky, perhaps you received my little gift, and perhaps you would still think of me today and smile.

Happy Birthday.
[..........]

='(

1...

It's really none of my business.
I really shouldn't even know.
But I do know.
And I do care.

Feeling stupid...

=(

No Returns. No Exchanges.

Once again, today I went and did something that I might end up regretting...

And in the process, I made a fool of myself, yet again...

Cashier: You want to write your return address? If you don't, you won't get it back if it gets lost.
Me: Um....no.
(I pay for everything.)
Cashier: Are you sure you don't want to write your address?
Me: Yea.

That girl must think I am sending something illegal...

In my world, that probably is pretty close to being 'illegal'....

*sighs*

Yesterday's 470 Lecture...
Topic: General and Local Anesthesia
Speaker: Susan Belo, MD, Department of Anesthesia, Sunnybrook

......

PersonalDNA

Wake Up Call

After working through the entire night, I picked up the phone this morning at 6:30am to wake up my partner in crime so that she could finish up the last of the 50+ page lab report.

(Unfortunately, she was totally passed out, did not hear the phone and did not get up until about three hours later. But I don't blame her, because our other partner had also passed out on his keyboard and I was totally disoriented for the entire day.)

While dialing the number, it struck me that I have not made a phone call so early in the morning for some two years...

There is something special about waking someone up and hearing their sleepy voice. At that moment, they are so half asleep, so unaware, so vulnerable, that it's like you're talking to a child. Along with that, you can picture them half consciously holding the phone while still curled up in bed. That soft, lazy voice has a way of making you smile. Perhaps, because of that, there is a very sweet feeling about it...

And, perhaps, it's the thought or wish of actually being there that makes it so intimate....

Can I have that honour again?

Please?

='(

Truth and Lies

Two years ago I lied to you, partly because I was unsure of myself, partly because I was not ready to tell you, partly because I knew how you'd react.

Two years later I told you the truth, partly because I hoped that you'd listen, partly because I hoped that you'd understand, partly because I just didn't know how to lie anymore.

I was wrong to lie. I was wrong to hope.

I can lie to you again and say the words that you want to hear. But what's the point, when I know you don't believe me and you know I don't mean it.

I can promise you anything. I can do anything to please you. But inside, it will never end.

I'd rather you hate me and find my own answers, than make a promise to you that I know I cannot keep.

I'm sorry.

Rage Against the Storm

While driving past an ambulance amidst the snow storm today, it occurred to me that I am almost glad that you do not have a job as a medic. The thought of you out working in the endless storm hurts and scares me.

If you were still a medic, I'd be worried sick about you.

Actually...even on a perfectly good day, I am still worried about you.

Are you safe? Are you well? Are you happy?

If only I could know...

Silent Words

So much going through the mind...
But no words are adequate...

Perhaps some things can only be expressed in silence...
Perhaps some things can only be felt...

If only someone could hear me...