人不是越大越堅強的嗎﹖
為什麼我比以往更怕凍﹐更怕一個人﹐更怕寂寞﹖
Monday, April 28, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
18...19...20...21..................22.
Last night I told myself I wouldn't cry, and until I finally wore myself out enough to sleep at 3am, I was okay. But when I finally did lie down...I don't know why......
This morning I woke up and for about five minutes I could forget what day it was. But only five minutes......
For the entire day, every hour or so, I received e-mails and messages and what not. I am grateful for all the people who took the time to drop me a line. But none of them was the person I want to hear from most.
Every year, RY would plan to have dinner with me either the weekend before or after. For the past few years, I went, for the sake of seeing her and whoever else happens to go, but this year I turned down the offer using tomorrow's BCH445 exam as an excuse. I am grateful to have RY in my life, and for almost 15 years too. But she, too, is not the person I want to see today.
18...19...20...21..................22.
It's been nonstop downhill...and there's still more to come.
And it will always be a one-man war...
Where were you today? What were you doing? Have you forgotten? Did I ever cross your mind today?
Or it just doesn't matter to you anymore?
='(
This morning I woke up and for about five minutes I could forget what day it was. But only five minutes......
For the entire day, every hour or so, I received e-mails and messages and what not. I am grateful for all the people who took the time to drop me a line. But none of them was the person I want to hear from most.
Every year, RY would plan to have dinner with me either the weekend before or after. For the past few years, I went, for the sake of seeing her and whoever else happens to go, but this year I turned down the offer using tomorrow's BCH445 exam as an excuse. I am grateful to have RY in my life, and for almost 15 years too. But she, too, is not the person I want to see today.
18...19...20...21..................22.
It's been nonstop downhill...and there's still more to come.
And it will always be a one-man war...
Where were you today? What were you doing? Have you forgotten? Did I ever cross your mind today?
Or it just doesn't matter to you anymore?
='(
Saturday, April 19, 2008
"APR 21 2008"
Again and again, I stamped "APR 21 2008" onto papers today...
JK used to always count down to her birthday, even when it was months away. A girl that came into the office today was eager to leave and choose her b-day cake. I've gotten so many invitations to people's big b-day bashes on facebook.
Yet, the more times I saw that stamped date, the more depressed I started to feel...
I don't need to count down the days, nor will anyone else. Nobody will buy me a cake, nor do I want one. And I will never be a person that throws parties.
If anything, I wish there was a way to skip that day, I wish I could just forget it completely...
Please...just leave me alone.
JK used to always count down to her birthday, even when it was months away. A girl that came into the office today was eager to leave and choose her b-day cake. I've gotten so many invitations to people's big b-day bashes on facebook.
Yet, the more times I saw that stamped date, the more depressed I started to feel...
I don't need to count down the days, nor will anyone else. Nobody will buy me a cake, nor do I want one. And I will never be a person that throws parties.
If anything, I wish there was a way to skip that day, I wish I could just forget it completely...
Please...just leave me alone.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
勞斯﹐萊斯飲醉了。
勞斯.萊斯 Blues Version...
Perhaps I am biased. Perhaps I have too many attachments to the song. But this remix just doesn't 'hit' me the way the original does.
The blue version image...勞斯 and 萊斯 each sitting alone in some smoky bar, half passed out, still trying to hold on to something. (Or perhaps that's just my mood, and not the song at all...)
But somehow, the original version has that pure and innocent feeling to it, which is essential to the song.
......
Maybe I'm thinking too much again...
Perhaps I am biased. Perhaps I have too many attachments to the song. But this remix just doesn't 'hit' me the way the original does.
The blue version image...勞斯 and 萊斯 each sitting alone in some smoky bar, half passed out, still trying to hold on to something. (Or perhaps that's just my mood, and not the song at all...)
But somehow, the original version has that pure and innocent feeling to it, which is essential to the song.
......
Maybe I'm thinking too much again...
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Waiting...Forever...
Last year tonight, I went to watch a show that I had waited for for years. The show was great, but I did not enjoy it, because something more important was missing.
[I once said I would rather not go than to go without you. I'm sorry. I didn't keep that promise, but only because I had hoped for a different miracle. I regret it. After that day, I told myself I would never do it again, because without you it would never feel right.]
Tonight, I sit here writing frantically, rushing to finish a report on a whole year's worth of work. And still, the feeling is not right, and the missing piece is still yet to be found.
While listening to the radio in the car, a girl called into the show saying that she missed someone that she had broken up with. In reply to that, the DJ said...
When you truly loved someone with all your heart and that relationship ends, all the things associated with it don't. The memories will always be there, and you will never stop missing that person. The desire to be part of his/her life will always be there, and you'll always wonder where they are. And most importantly, the love will always still be there.
I agree......Do you?
That pain and emptiness is all too much...
='(
[I once said I would rather not go than to go without you. I'm sorry. I didn't keep that promise, but only because I had hoped for a different miracle. I regret it. After that day, I told myself I would never do it again, because without you it would never feel right.]
Tonight, I sit here writing frantically, rushing to finish a report on a whole year's worth of work. And still, the feeling is not right, and the missing piece is still yet to be found.
While listening to the radio in the car, a girl called into the show saying that she missed someone that she had broken up with. In reply to that, the DJ said...
When you truly loved someone with all your heart and that relationship ends, all the things associated with it don't. The memories will always be there, and you will never stop missing that person. The desire to be part of his/her life will always be there, and you'll always wonder where they are. And most importantly, the love will always still be there.
I agree......Do you?
That pain and emptiness is all too much...
='(
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Rediscover
In my memory, it was this day three years ago that it began. Sadly, I don't even have a way of knowing anymore.
Three years ago, I 'discovered' a person that changed my life.
Today, I '(re)discovered' a picture.
It was tempting to push the button. But when I think about it, I hesitate to do so. I doubt many people other than me would know that picture. But, on the other hand, perhaps it has no meaning at all. I can be found. I'm pretty sure I have been found. But it seems I am still uninvited.
I was kicked out of the game. Am I allowed to re-enter myself back into it? Or have I been banned for life?
Three years ago, I 'discovered' a person that changed my life.
Today, I '(re)discovered' a picture.
It was tempting to push the button. But when I think about it, I hesitate to do so. I doubt many people other than me would know that picture. But, on the other hand, perhaps it has no meaning at all. I can be found. I'm pretty sure I have been found. But it seems I am still uninvited.
I was kicked out of the game. Am I allowed to re-enter myself back into it? Or have I been banned for life?
Friday, April 4, 2008
"moms are so wai dai"
Someone just said this to me......
I stared at it, not knowing how to react.
The irony: This is a person who I suspect knows. She ended the conversation right after that.
Do I believe that? I always have and still do.
But you cannot tell someone you love them and care for them and then impose everything you think is good on them. Just because you think it's good doesn't mean it's what they need.
Have you ever really considered what it is that I want?
I stared at it, not knowing how to react.
The irony: This is a person who I suspect knows. She ended the conversation right after that.
Do I believe that? I always have and still do.
But you cannot tell someone you love them and care for them and then impose everything you think is good on them. Just because you think it's good doesn't mean it's what they need.
Have you ever really considered what it is that I want?
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