Hippo

My Christmas wish is exactly what the song in this commercial says..."I want a hippopotamus for Christmas..."

No.  I don't want the cell phones.  I want Hippo!  Yes, Hippo.

Of course, nobody knows what I mean by Hippo.

If I can have a Christmas wish, it would be to take Hippo out for a long ride with X, out to the middle of nowhere, with nobody else around, while listening to these two awesome CDs:






























Of course, that is just my daydreaming again. It would never happen.

But I really do wonder where the "real" Hippo is now...

For now...here is the hippo that I bought last weekend...

Merry Christmas.......wherever you are.....

[..................]......forever and a day.

今天應該更高興

誰人像我一個人 誰人沒氣力談情 
避免感觸太多 感覺太亂難清醒 
成全幸福的拼圖 人潮中我漸忘形 

這天燈飾照閃 假使你在旁 今天應該更高興 

[.........] 

Dec 23

It's already December 23rd, but for some reason it really doesn't feel like Christmas to me at all...

Christmas has always been my favourite holiday, but it seems I'm "losing interest" these past few years.  There's not much to be excited about, and there's not much to look forward to.  In a sense, it seems that Christmas has lost its meaning to me

These few days I've had more free time, and no school work to think about.  As usual, my mind tends to go off in all directions.  Who?  What?  When?  Where?  How?

The first thing that comes to mind is that card I mailed out last week.  It's been a week.  If all went smoothly, my card should have reached it's destination.

I wonder......

Cruel Intentions

Horoscope for Dec 22, from Tarot.com:

"Your intentions are good; you want nothing more than peace and harmony for everyone involved. But you can see a power struggle brewing on the horizon like an incoming storm. Unfortunately, if you try to take control today, you'll only increase the awkward tension. Although being flexible is sometimes challenging for you, the wisest thing you can do now is remain neutral and let the situation continue to play out on its own."

 I "love" how these horoscopes are always right about the bad things, but never about the good things.

I never meant to hurt anyone.  But what can I do when the world has opposing views?  Who do I "sacrifice"?  Who do I "satisfy"?

All I know is......in the end......everybody gets hurt.

???

Why does life have to be so complicated?
What am I supposed to be doing?
???

What goes up must come down...

Jonathan Cainer's Taurus horoscope for tomorrow:

"What goes up must come down. But from 'down', the only way is up. What then, is so bad about feeling low? It can only be a matter of time before that changes. You may have more reason to worry if you're on an 'up'. The higher you climb, the further you'll slip if you trip. Although, hold on... WHO says that what goes up must come down? Doesn't it depend on how far up you get? Heavenly bodies, in space, don't crash from the sky! Mars and Venus insist that you're not destined to fall this weekend. But you could be about to rise!"

And how many times have I said the same thing to myself?...I've lost count.

I once asked someone if it's better to be at the top and risk falling, or if it's better to be climbing and have hope of reaching the top.  The reply I got was that it's better to be at the top and take the risk, because at least you've been there to enjoy the view.  The one that's climbing might never get there.

What goes up must come down.  I've been to the top.  And I've fallen down really hard.  Does that mean things will only get better?  Does that mean I'll eventually get to where I want to be?  Does that mean things will work out?

Who am I kidding?

Let's hope that this prediction is accurate...cuz I'm gonna need a lot of luck tomorrow.

The Stupid Things I Do...

After all that thought and struggle, I wrote four lines......of nonsense.

And four hours later, I'm already regretting that I wrote what I wrote, and that I did what I did. What the heck was I thinking? How come I couldn't think of something better to write or do? That's not what I want to say.

As usual, I mailed it out without a return address. So I'll never know if it never gets to its destination or if it gets lost. But that's the only way to do it, because if it ever came back to me, that would be the beginning of another world war.

And as usual, I will sit here for the next week or so and worry. Will it get to the right place? Will it be read? And the one that freaks me out the most....What if there's some else there and that person reads it?

Regardless. It's done and over with. And I've made a fool of myself, yet again.

What do I want from this? And what am I expecting? I don't know. Of course, it would be nice to get some form of reply. But after all this time, I know not to expect anything. Perhaps it doesn't even matter anymore. All I really want is for that person to know that I still care, whether as a friend, or as whoever.

[..........................]

Empty

At some point in time, when I was lost for words, I wrote this...

Blank Page

The reply I got from some anonymous person was enough to make me cry.

It's been another 24 hours. And I still haven't written a single word in the card that I need to mail out tomorrow.

What to do?

Can you still read what's hidden in the blank pages?

30 Minutes

This afternoon I spent 30 minutes picking out a card. It was the hardest thing to do, because I couldn't find one that said just the right things. Friend is not enough. Someone special doesn't quite capture it. And romance is too much.

Right now, I just spent 30 minutes thinking about what to write in the card. And still haven't written anything. What can I, or should I, write that has enough depth and meaning to show that I care, but doesn't go too far?

The one and only time I was able to give X a card, she later told me she was disappointed. Because what I wrote didn't reflect the extent of our relationship. I felt really bad about it.

So......what am I supposed to write now?

It's stupid that I'm doing this. I know. Maybe she'll never get it. Maybe she'll never read it. Maybe she'll just throw it out. Maybe I'm causing more harm than anything. I'm not sure.

But I'll regret it if I don't.

The Battle Continues

For whatever reason, I was not in a good mood this morning, but was pretty relaxed during the exam.

Honestly, I did not know my stuff that well. The last few chapters about financial instruments and stock compensations were confusing and I didn't put much time into it. I tried to cram in more info this morning, but was unsuccessful because the people around me wouldn't shut up! Regardless, I still wasn't stressed during the exam. Hm....strange.

Wrote two cases in two hours, but paced it really badly. Spent over an hour on the first, and only 30 minutes on the second. They didn't seem that hard, but after the fact, I think I missed a lot of things. Sh*t.

The amusing part......The second case was based on stuff from our conference, which 90% of the people did not attend! I couldn't help laughing to myself when I read it. I bet Prof W put this topic in on purpose! Hopefully, my writeup was a bit better than others since I had a bit of an edge. *fingers crossed*

The down side......I'm pretty sure I messed up on a few things already. Totally forgot about an issue in the first case, and misread something in the second. FML.

Got home and started reading. But ended up falling asleep over my boring finance textbook.

4 down, 2 to go. But tonight, I really just want to hang around and do nothing. Don't want to study. I'm so sick of this.

Almost there...

Business vs Meds

Taking a break from the books, I clicked on an undergrad friend's pics. This person is now in a nursing program and there were lots of pics of him in scrubs and in the hospital.

Once again, that big question comes to mind again......

Am I in the right program? Do I really want to go into business/management and accounting?

It's been 6 months since I've started this program and I'm still not so sure.

What I do know......

Being in a business program now, I miss doing the med stuff. I miss learning all the medical stuff that fascinates me so much.

But if I were in the med stuff, I would never think about wanting to do business. I never considered business from the start. Why am I here now?

I can picture myself in a lab coat or scrubs in a medical research environment. But I can't picture myself in a suit in a board room.

F**k. That's gotta mean something.

But...the truth is......I wasn't good enough to get into med. *sigh*

(I really should get back into SJA. But I dread the politics that have been going on......)

"Photo" Magazine

Ever since I told my boss I was interested in photography, he's been telling me a lot about it and we've been having some very interesting conversations. (And I've suddenly picked up the additional job of managing his digital x-rays and photos...lol)

Today, he mentioned a photography magazine called "Photo" (not "American Photo"), telling me that it's a very famous magazine in Europe. He said that the latest issue reviews all the works by a really famous photographer who is now in his 80s.

The funny part was that he said that if you go to Chapters or Indigo to look for this magazine, you won't find it in the magazine section. And you might not find it in the photography section. And you might not even find it in the art section. Instead, you might find it in the erotica section!...because the magazine tends to place a bit of focus on nude and erotic photography. But, it is genuinely a photography magazine and not porn!

Regardless...he suggested I should take a look at this magazine!...LOL

Not sure if there's different versions for different countries or what....but I found the cover of the latest french edition:

Random Thoughts of the Day

Not in the mood to organize my thoughts into a decent entry right now. So, just random thoughts running through my head......

My audit case answer was a total mess.

My comm assignment got good comments, but got less than an A.

I've done nothing productive for the last 2 hours.

I don't want to study.

I want a nice hot cup of tea, but I'm drinking a banana kiwi smoothie.

There are a lot of annoying people in the house today.

I've paid for a lunch that I probably won't get to eat.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

Someone has promised to bring me cheese cake tonight. Yay!

Why do I need to deal with everyone else's crap?

There are a lot of people in my life that I don't understand.

Some people are so hard to grasp.

There are a million things in my life that I don't understand.

I wish I were drunk or something.

Getting sleepy.

I wish I could not care and just run away.

I think I've messed up something.

I need a new desktop/notebook/netbook.

I want a DSLR.

People are complaining about fb, but I can't see what's wrong.

I want to go away from home for a few days.

I miss being in my haven.

That's it for now.

Stop Thinking. Stop Feeling.

Every time I need to concentrate on my work, I tell myself to stop thinking and stop feeling. And people think it's weird.

But that's the truth. If I really want to focus, I need to stop thinking and stop feeling. As in stop thinking about the million other things that are on my mind but not related to the books. As in stop feeling and being emotional about the million of things that are happening to me and the people around me.

I guess 99% of the people around me can't understand that. Because I always appear to be that calm, focused person who knows everything and never shows emotions. But yes, I can be very emotional and irrational, and that part of me gets very 'distracting' at times. If I could really stop thinking and stop feeling, I'd probably get better grades.

So...it's time to stop thinking, and stop feeling...and hit the books.

Spinning...

It seems my mind is going crazy again. I'm thinking a million things and not getting anywhere. I've heard so many depressing stories from so many people lately that I'm not so sure about my original plans anymore. It's already the 7th. I need to make a plan. What to do? Should I really take a risk and try to get X to come out and see me?

To add to my "pressing" situation, the things that happened today have just messed with my mind and heart even more...

While writing the exam this morning, I looked out the window and it was snowing. *sigh* The first snow. There's something strangely depressing about it. And again, my mind was just flooded with thoughts. (There goes my MIS mark...) Then on the way home, there was also a bit of snow. Driving in the dark, the first thing that came to mind......"star wars".

MM was telling me how MS was teaching her to drive. It turns out that MS drives a manual car. And MM started telling me about trying to drive that manual car. And again, my mind is filled with memories again.

The "funniest" part of the day was even more strange. For whatever reason, S said that I seemed to be happier lately. And the way she said it, I knew she was implying thinks I'm seeing/dating someone. OMG. WTF??? =_=''

*SIGH*

Winter...

I miss having X drive me around and hearing her tell me to drive carefully and not to speed. I miss sitting around at her house, drinking that perfect cup of hot tea that she makes for me. I miss lying on her sofa, in her arms, watching the snow fall. I miss the long long hugs......

='(

F**k.

Playing With Fire

Over the past few months, I've been hooking up with people that I shouldn't be hooking up with. And now it's starting to get very real.

But...there's some very interesting people out there...lol.

One of these days...I'm gonna get myself in a lot of trouble...again.

How am I going to make this work???

This is getting dangerous...

--------------------------------------------

The road map for this week......

Things to finish......

(1) Finance Assignment 2

(2) Accounting 11

(3) Accounting 12

(4) IAP

(5) Workshop

With the extras......

(6) Exam #2

(7) Exam #3

Damn...all 60+ of us agreed to this schedule?! WTF were we thinking?!

Road Block

Can't think today.

My mind is stuck on other things.

Loving this version of this song right now.

But...somehow, it makes me feel sad. =(

Two for Two!

Today......the second big project of the term......audit competition.

So the audit package that we put together 2 weeks ago was marked and returned. We pulled through with an A-. Wasn't the highest, but good enough to put us in the top five.

Today was the presentation/Q&A session with the judges from the firms.

Overall, it was okay. We killed ourselves by mentioning a point that got picked on afterwards, but I think we managed. And as a team, I think we presented ourselves really well and gave the impression that we're a really strong team.

During lunch, the six of us were talking and we're like......"We really messed up that one question. Sh*t. Okay, as long as we're in top three, then that's good......but Team X seems really strong, are we gonna make this?!"

The results...

3rd Place: Team X......thought: omg, they've got the strongest presenters, and only 3rd??

2nd Place: Team Y......thought: awww....omg, we didn't make it into top three.

1st Place: US!

*shock* Totally unexpected!

First we won case comp last month, and now the audit comp too! Both of this term's major projects! Two for two! lol....I think the rest of the class hates us now!

A big shout out to my amazing team! We make the best team!

And a big shout out to a few people that listened to me complain about this presentation the last few days and nights! Thanks for all the support!

???

Hm......

What the heck is going on???

How Tempting...

A few people are planning to move out to North York for the work term, and asked me if I'm interested.

From a purely practical perspective, that would be good. It'll be closer to work, and a bunch of us are gonna be working in the Yonge/Finch area. Considering traffic in that area is pretty crazy during rush hour and I'll most likely have to pay for parking, that is a good option.

And of course, from a more personal perspective, that would give me a lot more freedom to go and do stuff (that I "shouldn't" be doing).

As much as I want to, I don't have the money to do so, nor do I have a valid reason to do so, considering the office is less than 30min away from home.

Damn.

Another Christmas

While driving a friend home today, she asked me what I wanted from Christmas. I was a little surprised, because I wasn't expecting any exchange of presents. I've never had the habit of getting presents for my classmates, except for a few closer friends. But most of the time, I'd rather not give presents for the sake of giving presents. If I take you as a friend, I'll get you stuff because I think it's right for you, not just because it's Christmas.

What do I want for Christmas? Nothing. That's the answer that I've been giving for I don't know how long. The material things that I want are too expensive for friends to be giving as presents. And what I want most...nobody can buy for me.

The mention of Christmas presents made me realize that there really isn't that much time until Christmas. And that brings me to my little dilemma again. *sigh* Should I still send X a Christmas card and/or gift?

2006 I did, because that was the least I could do for her, given the situation at the time. 2007 and 2008, after a long long struggle, somebody convinced me to do so again. Now...here I am again with this question again. On the surface, I just want to send a card to show that I still care, because regardless of what happens, I will still always consider her as a friend. But somewhere deep down, I am hoping that she'll be willing to talk to me again.

What should I do? I really want to send her something to let her know I still care. But maybe she doesn't want to receive anything from me? Maybe getting things from me will upset her? Maybe...she's already with someone else?

I know I'll regret it if I don't do something. But I also know I'll regret it after I send it out.

On top of this, my conversations with someone these few days has really gotten me thinking. Perhaps she is right. It's been 3 years. Maybe it's time for me to really talk things over with X, because knowing me, I will keep holding onto this until I get some answers. A part of me is a little scared to do this though. Not because that X may say things I don't want to hear, but because of 'safety' issues. New Year's Eve seems like an unsuspecting night, but considering our history, that's probably not a good choice?!

*sigh*......What do to???

Now...I've got all these things in my mind eating away at me again.

Maybe......I'm just being a f**ken idiot.

The Fake Peace

Today is M's birthday...and that has been making me feel uneasy the whole day.

First thing in the morning, I gave her a hug and kiss and wished her a happy birthday. As usual, I made a card, got a cake and we went out for dinner. Nothing really special, but that's the way we usually do it. And since K is not around, some things have been postponed until the weekend.

Seems normal enough. Nothing out of the ordinary. Perfectly peaceful.

What makes me uneasy......is the fact that I know it's all fake.

Yes. 99% of the time, everything seems to be perfectly fine. We get along, we chat and nobody can see that there's any problems. But the truth is that we both know that there are things deep down that still create a HUGE barrier.

Was she honestly happy to be receiving a card from me? Was she honestly happy when I wished her a happy birthday? Sadly, I don't think so. Because she will NEVER get over all the things that happened in the last few years. Yet, she pretends that everything is okay.

Every now and then, when we are out together, I will put my arm around her shoulder or put my arm around hers. It's a natural action, because I honestly care. Yet...since I don't know when, I've hesitated to do it. Because every time I do, the same thoughts flood into my head, I get scared, and I let go. What is she thinking when I try to show that I care? Maybe she doesn't even want me to care? Maybe I'm just angering her?

Happy birthday.
I mean it with all my heart.
Always have, and always will.

But she will never believe me.

And the battles continue...

Okay....so...progress...and what's left...

Finished....
(1) Analysis Report
(2) IS Assignment #1-3
(3) Competition Reflection

This week...
(4) Tax Assignment
(5) Audit Assignment #2
(6) Case Presentation
(7) IS Group Assignment
(8) IS Assignments #4

Next week.
(9) IS Exam
(10) Finance Assignment #2
(11) Audit Exam

As of this moment....
(4) 50% done
(5) 50% done
(6) is 90% done
(7) my part...0%
(8) 0%

Getting there...slowly but surely...

Reflection on the Reflection

So to conclude the competition, the final part of our assignment/project is to write a reflection on how our well our team worked together.

What was interesting for me.....how fake the reflection was.

Being the one that was "away" during the competition, I know a lot more about how everyone REALLY felt while working together. Interestingly, none of these things were actually brought up.

On the surface, it seems we are a good team and everybody gets along very well. But the reality is that there are things we don't all agree with, but nobody wants to say anything, because there is the potential to offend someone. The truth is...we still don't have that honesty, trust and openness.

It's unfortunate, but that was expected. Everybody sugar coats their words every day. I'm not accusing people of being fake, but nobody wants to risk offending someone else.

After all......how many people in this world do you trust 100% and can be 100% honest with?

My answer......One, at most.

Here we go...

Okay....it's really time to start working...

This week....
(1) Analysis Report
(2) IS Assignment #1

Next week...
(3) Competition Reflection
(4) Tax Assignment
(5) Case Presentation
(6) Audit Assignment #2
(7) IS Group Assignment
(8) IS Assignments #2-4

As of this moment....
(2) is done
(4) is 25% done
(1) is 30% done
and all others haven't been started.

Yikes.

Starting to feel the pressure...

Conference 2009

Today was our program's annual conference. This year's topic....climate change.

Yes...somehow, climate change is related to management and accounting! Why? Because all the new pollution laws and regulations will affect how accounting and auditing are done.

It was all very interesting stuff, because I never thought climate change would affect the accounting profession. Unfortunately, I could not hear half the stuff because the sound was really bad where I was sitting and the people at my table would not stop talking.

5 speakers...each talking for about an hour...followed by a small debate between my class (2011) and the upper year class (2010).

Honestly, I think 99% of the people didn't want to be there. Most of the upper year class was there because the material will be on their exams. As for my class, everybody was there because the faculty was taking attendance.

In my part of the room, where we couldn't hear anything clearly, people were bored and started doing other things. It was rather funny. Of course, there were people texting and playing games on their cellphones. Some people brought notes and textbooks to study. Some were sleeping. Some were reading newspapers, magazines and novels. Some where playing tic-tac-toe and SOS. But by far, the most interesting that I saw was these 2 people at the next table that drew their own Battle Ship game to play!

As for me...I tried to listen...but it was impossible. So...I ended up playing every single game on my cellphone.

People started sneaking out during the breaks and lunch. By the end of the day, there was 8 (of 60+) people from my class left. Four were there because they were going to be in the debate. One was there because she was an exec. Three, including me, were there because we felt bad that everybody else had left.

The winner of the debate was determined by (1) the judges and (2) the audience. It was REALLY ridiculous when there were 60+ people cheering for the other class, and only 4 cheering for our class. How embarrassing.

To be honest, I was a little pissed off at all the people that left. First of all, it is very disrespectful to the speakers. Second, the director and faculty of our program definitely does not have a good impression on our class.

But what pissed me off the most...The debate was a competition between our class and the upper year class, and all those people did not care enough to stay and support our class?! 好無義氣!!!

I understand that there's a lot of work to do. But really...that's not an excuse. What about the 8 of us that stayed? We have just as much to do and we stayed. Because we cared enough about our class and our fellow classmates.

I really hate it when people in my class complain to me that they have a lot of work to do and that they don't have enough time to do everything. The have no "right" to. It takes me at least 2 hours per day to go to and from campus, but most people live on campus or close by. I work 8 hours on Saturday, and nobody else in the class works. All those people have at least 18 hours more time per week to do school work than I do. And they're complaining to me?!?!?! SHUT UP!

I might not be the most social or talkative person. But I work my ass off and I make an effort to support my friends and classmates. And I wish that others could do the same!

Victory!

Our team won the competition! *shock*

I think we were all REALLY surprised today when they announced that our team won. From what I heard, the judges didn't appear too impressed with out team's presentation that day and one judge asked a lot of questions. But when they went over their grading criteria today, it seems we covered most of what they wanted.

Quite honestly, I was not completely satisfied with the info in our presentation. If I were doing it myself, I would have approached the case differently. But I guess it was good enough!

Unfortunately, there was some misunderstanding in the value of the prize, so it is significantly less than what we thought it would be. Regardless, it's better than nothing! And winning (out of 11 teams) is already exciting enough!

Thanks to my wonderful team!...especially for saving my life by convincing the profs to give me my marks!

Now...let's win this AFC too!

放開你去愛你?

Opened up a magazine today and the title of one article was "放開你去愛你".

In TV shows, it often happens that Person A and Person B are together. And then for whatever reason, Person A will give up on Person B and let go because Person A thinks that that's best for Person B. Exactly what it says...放開你去愛你. They always make it seem so sad and heroic, so that you feel sorry for Person A.

But I absolutely hate this phrase.

There was a point in time when I believed in this idea of letting go because you love the other person. At the time when I was struggling with things, I often said to X that she should let go and move on, because I would make her life miserable. Every time, she would say no, and tell me that she was willing to stay with me.

Until one time, I said it again, and X got mad at me.

X said it was very selfish of me to push her away because I thought that it would be better for her. I didn't understand. How was I being selfish when what I wanted was to stop giving her trouble?

She explained......I am not her, and I could never know what is best for her......because what she wanted most, was to be there with me. Me pushing her away was like robbing her of the last little bit that we shared.

Like a million other times......X made me cry.

放開你去愛你。
It's wrong.
It's selfish.
And I will never think that way again.

The Same Old Path

Passed by X's place again tonight.
And it still gets to me.
*sigh*

Maybe because it's November...meaning December is coming...and Christmas is coming. Everything just gets magnified that much more.

What shall I do this year?...Anything?

I know I'll regret it if I don't.
I know I'll regret it if I do.

FML.

As Life Goes On...

While talking to R today, she mentioned that she and S had gone to look at the condos nearby......

When I heard that, that heavy feeling came over me again......

I feel stupid. R and S have been happily together for 6 years now. And in all this time, what's happened in my life?

What have I been putting myself through these few years while the rest of the world moves along happily in life with their significant other? And in the end, after all this craziness, what will I gain or what will I achieve? In fact, where the hell am I trying to go? Why am I "wasting" my time on something that I will never get?

I don't know.

Because it felt right.
Because nothing ever felt so natural.
Because for once in my life, I felt sure about what I wanted.

But it's all meaningless to the rest of the world.

Because I'll always be "wrong".

Ethics Lesson

What a disgrace to Toronto healthcare......

Board members at seven hospitals jump queue.

Can't believe that this includes MSH, St. Mike's and all three UHN hospitals. All those downtown hospitals let their board members jump the line to get H1N1 vaccines?! What the f**k is this? Is it not obvious that board members are not healthcare workers? Yes, the board members are important to keep the hospitals running smoothly at times like these (although...that is doubtful too), but where does anyone get the idea that they are risk"?

The athletes......even worse.

So who's watching out for the REAL front-line healthcare workers, who are actually working to save lives?

No wonder we are required to take an ethics course this year.

Comp Round-Up

So Class 2011's first comp has come to an end today. Finally. At this point in time, there should be lots of celebrations going on. Well...at least there is a group at the bar for sure!

So I didn't miss this "event" completely. I did what I could via the magics of the internet. Guess I didn't do that much compared to the rest of my team, but I tried.

Apparently, the presentation today wasn't as great as we'd hoped it would be. But to a certain extent, that was predictable, at least to me. Regardless, we all tried, and I know my team really tried their best these few days.

The bad...
(1) The finance part of things came under a bit of question, as I expected.
(2) Some parts were more complicated than it needed to be.
(3) Not everyone was fully satisfied with the final product, including me.
(4) There was a bit of internal conflict.

The good...
(1) We survived.
(2) I think we did fairly well.
(3) No major arguments.
(4) We tried our best.

On my part, being the "outsider" this time was kind of interesting, because I was able to have side conversations with everyone without the others knowing. In a sense, I think I saw a lot of things that the others didn't....

(1) Some people were being too bossy.
(2) Some people felt isolated.
(3) Not everyone agreed with the way things were handled.
(4) Poor communication.

It was kind of surprising that this happened. Because our team was made up of all the people that hang out regularly. But I guess when it comes to work, it doesn't work out the same way.

For me, being "away", there were some frustrations. But the thing that pissed me off the most was that for the last three days, despite being sick, I continuously offered to help, but 99% of the time, all but two people didn't even bother to reply.

Seriously, anybody that's worked with me before knows very well that I (1) know what I'm doing; (2) work my ass off; and (3) look out for everyone in my team. Although it's only been five months into the program, there are few people in the class who consistently want to work with me because they know I'll never let them down. So why in the world are you not letting me do stuff???

Regardless...

To my team......(although they'll never see this)......thank you for being so accommodating this week, and thank you for all the hard work you guys put in!......(And now we all get to start working on the AFC together....-_-'')

And a special thanks to Ms. M!.....who seems to be more concerned about my health and marks than I am, and who has gone out of her way to try and get the prof do give me the marks for this project.

Homeless Heart

Heard this song on the radio today....



When it first came out a few years ago, it would always catch my attention because of the lyrics in the chorus. Regardless, I didn't take much notice of it. When I did, it was because someone sent this song to me, along with a heart-warming message, at the worst times of my life.

Three years later...it turns out there are multiple covers of this song. But the original still sounds the best to me.

Bryan Rice - Homeless Heart
Jennette McCurdy - Homeless Heart

Home
Less
Heart

What an interesting combination of words...

[........................]

Burning Up

can't believe I'm sick...
at the worst possible time...
f**k.

there goes my grades...
there goes that cash prize...

there goes my team...

f**k.

Are you the favourite person of anybody?

Posted by hocc...

Are you the favourite person of anybody?

What a tough question...

Is there anyone I know that would consider me their favourite person? At some point in my life, I would have given a definite yes to this question. Now, I don't know anymore.

Am I that important to anyone in this world? I don't think so. Would it really make a different to anyone's life if I weren't here? I don't think so. So how could I be anyone's favourite person?

Every now and then, I wonder...if I were to die today, what would happen? Who would be notified? Who would be sad? Who would cry? Who would miss me?

I really don't know.

Gossip

Last week was the first ever house party for everyone in our program. Because there was a huge assignment due the next day, most people didn't go, including me. It turns out, there was a crowd of about ten people that night...

Ironically...there was no drinking...BUT...there was a lot of gossip. -_-''

Apparently, there was talk about M+M, J+S, J+T, L+C and others...

Naturally, I wonder what else was discussed, and if I was ever the topic of discussion. Maybe I'm thinking too much again. Maybe it's better if I never find out.

Why do people like to gossip so much?

Really...is it any of your business who's dating who? And even if you know, is it really necessary to go around telling the world? And what right do you have to pass judgment?

If people want you to know, they'll tell you. If they don't, then maybe you should take a hint that you shouldn't ask about it.

A lot of people in this world need to GROW UP!

Round 4

Fourth midterm coming up tomorrow...

Last week, I thought audit was bad because I really didn't know how to study for it. This MIS stuff is ten times worse. I've read a bunch of chapters but I don't know what to take form it. When did I sign up for an IT course?!

Next week is reading week. The week after is the last midterm. And then...we get started with finals.

And work term starts in January.

Yes. I'm looking ahead already. And it's not looking good. -_-''

FML

SIDE NOTE: M is coming out to Toronto next weekend. Hopefully we can work out something to meet up. Haven't seen her in a long time. The last time we got together was when J came from HK, and that was 3 years ago.

Hiding

Feeling despondent these few days. Don't really want to talk to anyone about anything. Just want to be alone.

Perhaps this weekend is just a good time for me to "hide"...

Need to study IS for Monday's midterm...which I know absolutely nothing about...

Need to absorb as much knowledge as possible before Wednesday...

Need to build up some energy for this week's big event...three days of craziness that I'm not looking forward to. The people in my group are great and I know we'll work well together. But the way this comp works just isn't my style. Hopefully we won't have to pull overnighters.

Just need to get through this week....and I'll have the next week off...finally.

This heaviness is unbearable...

You said I don't understand...but I do...all too well.

Take Off

Every day on the way to and from campus, I pass by the airport. And every time, there is always a plane taking off, making its way up into the sky.

I always wonder where the plane is heading for. Who is on that plane? Where are they going? Why are they going there? What are their plans?

I love traveling. I love going places. I love seeing the nature and the history of the places I go to. Unfortunately, being the poor student that I am, it's just not possible to go anywhere these days. Perhaps in a few years.

Where do I want to go? Honestly, I don't have a "dream destination". At the top of the list is (1) HK, to visit family; and (2) UK, for reasons I should not have. But other than that, it really doesn't matter where I go.

For the last few years, I've always had the urge to run away from everyone and everything in my life. To a certain point, I want to break all ties with everyone ( including family) I know and everything that I do and move to a foreign place and start over.

If I had the money, perhaps I really would have done this three years ago.

I know it's very irresponsible and cowardly, because it's like I'm trying to avoid all the conflict in my life. But it's been three years, I'm tired. I really have no energy to keep at this indefinitely.

I need change. I need space. I need freedom.

All I want...is to live my life the way I choose.

Is that too much to ask for?

Time Flies...

At work today, someone asked me if I was new on the job. I explained that she probably never saw me before because I'm only there on Saturdays. Then I went on to say that I've been working there for more than three years...

Wow...three years...

What have I done with my life for the last three years?

(1) Finished my undergrad.
(2) Went to HK twice.
(3) Quit all my volunteer work.
(4) Jobless for a year.
(5) Gave up on med school.
(6) Got into grad school.
(7) Put myself highly into debt.
(8) Lost the "most important" person in my life.
(9) F**ked up my family.

What have I accomplished?...Nothing at all.

What have I gained?...I can't think of anything.

What have I lost?...Too much to count.

I dare to say that these few years have been the most difficult times of my life.

All I know is that everything put together has changed my views about a lot of things...about life, about family, about friends, about love, about career, about people, about me.

It's been three years...since...

*sigh*

Shake

As part of our communications assignment, we were asked to shoot a video of each person telling a story...

One of the stories today really got to me...

It turns out someone in our class once volunteered as a paramedic in another country. He talked about a time when he had to deal with someone who had been shot several times. Most people thought the story was really bloody and gory.

But the blood and gore was meaningless to me compared to the millions of thoughts and feelings flying through my head.

*sigh*...why am I always like this?

The Endless Cycle

Once again...for the ten millionth time...we are back at square one.

How many times must I explain myself before you understand that nobody's going to make me change? How many times must we repeat the same conversation before you take me seriously? How many times must we argue about this and f**k up everything before you accept the reality?

Why is that all the pain I've gone through in the last three years is worthless, but you can accuse me of hurting you? Why is it that I sacrificed the person I love only to have you continuously attacking me nonstop? Why is it that my sadness means nothing to you?

No matter how much time goes by, my view will not change. What I want to say I've been saying for the last three years. It's just that you refuse to listen to what I have to say. What more can I do?

I'm really tired of this "game", physically, mentally and emotionally. I don't want to "play" anymore.

Fishy Matters

While rushing to get things done this morning, a friend from the west coast messaged me. We haven't talked for many months. It was kind of surprising that she messaged me all of a sudden, because I was a little under the impression that I had scared her off.

I've known this person online for many years, but we've never met in person before. For all these years, she never came to TO, and I never went over to the west coast, and our vacations to HK never coincided.

This person is one of the two mutual friends that me and X had, although only online. As far as I know, X has never actually met this person in real life before either. But somehow, the three of us, and a fourth person, became connected through a common interest.

For the past two years, I've kind of avoided talking to this person. A part of me is under the impression that X spoke to her about us and that she keeps in touch with X. But when I asked her about X before, she said she hadn't talked to X in a long time. This, I am somewhat skeptical of.

What did X tell her?
What does she know?
Is she in contact with X?

My head is spinning out of control again...

=(

A million memories.
A million thoughts.

Three years since I've seen you.
Two years since we've talked.

Still miss you so much.

Does that mean anything to you?

Missing Out

wow...chet x eman concert AND hocc concert this week...in hk

I'm missing out on all this?!?!?!

*sigh*

But the reality is...even if these shows come to Toronto this year or next year...I'm most likely not going to go...

Unless...X will go with me...

But chances of that...0%

Just thinking of hocc concert is killing me...

不能承受的重

呢幾日都係有種好重嘅感覺...
不停咁諗好多野...
諗起...佢。

心煩。
心痛。

其實...真係從來都無放底過。

Night in Hell

Last night...worked until 1am...didn't get home until almost 3am.

Things are still not done. Still lots to do and I'm the one who's gonna do it. Great.

Two things really bothered me last night....

First. A certain person said some things that I thought was very rude. It was meant to be a joke, but I don't think it's funny at all. Especially when this is for a classroom setting, I really don't think it's appropriate. But somehow the person who said it is totally oblivious to it. I really wonder if she said that "joke" just to see how I would react.

Second. There were numerous Monchhichi dolls my friend's house. -_-'' The only times I've seen so many were (1) at a store that sells them; (2) in my room; and (3) at X's house. -_-'' Just the sight of the little monkeys was enough to drive me nuts. A million things went through my mind again...

If only there was a way...

Karma

Lots of mixed feelings today...

A few summers ago I left for vacation in HK while X was job hunting. In an e-mail, she told me that she got the job the day after I left. I was happy for her. But what hurt was that she said she wished she could have told me directly and that I could have celebrated with her. *sigh* I felt so ashamed of myself. It seemed like I was never there with her in the good times or bad.

It's always these "small things" that kill me...

Three years later...

Today I got a job offer for the first co-op term of my masters program. Although this is co-op, it still is my first full-time position. The moment I saw the e-mail, I wished I could call X up and tell her the good news. Like X, I wished that we could have celebrated together. But, of course, that wasn't possible.

*sigh*

I've been sitting here all night and it's just so tempting to call her up or send her an e-mail. I know there won't be a reply, but a part of me believes that she will still read my message.

If only you where here...

Waiting for the Sixth Show

Sept 23rd again.

Four years ago today, I watched the At17 x Chet Lam concert with X. It was the first time that we went to an event together...

I remember she brought me a drink. And I remember giving her a hug before we left. And I remember that we were saying how it was almost impossible to find someone else to watch this show, because nobody else liked At17 or Chet Lam.

Perhaps...at this time...things were already starting to happen between us...

I said there will be a fifth show...

The fifth show passed. I was there, but could not find X.

But I'm still waiting for the sixth.

*fingers crossed*

Failed

Rejected.

I feel like an idiot. Everyone in my "clan" thought I would get the offer. And I didn't. So it just hits you that much harder.

For the first time in a long while, I could really use a hug tonight...

I should stop dreaming.

Suck it up, and keep going...as usual.

!@#$%

Ugh.

I DO NOT want to have dinner with recruiters!!!
As if the interview is not stressful enough.

*sigh*

Countdown...

First week done. Not much to do yet. But REALLY feeling the pressure...

Most of the job applications have been sent out already. Only a few more left. Got rejected by two of the Big4 and haven't heard from the smaller firms.

There's only one chance...one of the Big4.

After visiting most of the firms and talking with the people there, this is actually my favourite. So I'm happy and some what excited, but this recruitment process is really nerve wrecking.

The interview is Tuesday. That, I think I should be able to handle fairly well.

What's really getting to me is this pre-interview dinner on Monday night. Everyone who knows me will know that I am not the type of person that makes small talk or conversations, especially not with these "intimidating" professional people. So how am I going to get through this 3-hour dinner AND make a good impression? I really don't know.

*breathe*

So how important is this? Let's see. (1) I like this firm. (2) I need co-op hours to graduate. (3) Getting into the firm for co-op means I will have a high chance of being hired full-time when I graduate. OMG. Yes. It's VERY important.

If only...

Last Chance

Today is the last draw for the Super7...$21 million...

I went and bought a ticket yesterday, just to try my luck one last time. I always wanted to buy the numbers that X and I picked before, but I could never remember the exact numbers. All I can remember is that we always picked the "same type" of numbers. (And I remember laughing about the fact that we always wanted to pick the same numbers.)

At the workshop yesterday, Z mentioned that a common job interview question is "What would you do if you won the lottery?" I would give half of it to X. Because that was the promise we made. And I firmly believe that X would do the same.

I never have any luck with lotteries or raffles. Of all the times I've bought the lottery, I've never even gotten a free ticket before. So I never expect to get anything.

But who cares?

What I really want...is the ticket.

102 Minutes

Just watched "102 Minutes that Changed the World" on CBC...

911...

I remember being in class that morning and the principal coming on the PA and talking about what was going on at WTC. Totally unbelievable. At some point it was frightening because some downtown TO buildings were being evacuated as a precaution.

Even now...watching it all over again on tv makes me shake...

*salute*...to all the paramedics, firemen and police!

There was one scene when someone was calling out for people to help with first aid. That reminds me I should keep practicing my first aid, because it would be very shameful of me (a former SJA member) to not be able to help out in an emergency situation! Maybe I shouldn't have quit SJA? But then I really don't have the time to put in all the required hours.

Promise to Self: Must keep up with Standard First Aid! Hopefully, can some time advance to Medical First Responder!

blur

what AM I thinking?...

1) "mischievous" things that are going to get me in trouble...
2) I'm missing out on paintball-ing tomorrow...
3) I'm missing out on a bbq and a buffet tomorrow...
4) I need to remember to call M tomorrow...
5) I don't want to go to work tomorrow...
6) I still need to do a million job apps...
7) school is starting soon and I have 8 courses at once...
8) school is starting and I need to resume my daily drives to and from Mississauga...
9) I need to carry a fridge up three flights of stairs on sunday...
10) I want a DSLR camera, but it's $1000...

and the list goes on...

what SHOULD I be thinking...?

3-Day Rush

Ottawa, Montreal and Quebec City in three days.....is really not a good idea.

Only stayed in Ottawa for a few hours. Went to Parliament and a market thing close by. Nothing new. Been there. Done that.

Montreal. Walked around downtown a bit. Not much to see here actually. Lots of museums but we really didn't have time. The only "exciting" thing was that there was the "Festival des films du monde" and there was this large screen set up on the street just outside our hotel. Nice atmosphere.

Quebec City. Went to St. Anne Canyon, St. Anne Basilica and St. Joseph Oratory. The canyon/waterfall was pretty nice. Got some good pics. I wanted to take pics of the two churches, but for whatever reason, I always have this feeling that it's not really appropriate to take pictures inside a church. Just me.

There was one interesting (or actually, disappointing) thing that happened in Quebec City. In Old Quebec there are lots of street performers in the tourist areas. Last time I went there (2 years ago?) I wanted to buy a CD from a disabled boy who was playing the guitar. But, at the time, I couldn't remember where he was set up. This time around, we randomly did stumble to the same place. It was the same boy performing there. But...before I actually reached the place, he was already all packed up and leaving. *sigh*

煩

心煩...

Thinking about Friday again...
Trying to justify my actions again...
Feeling stupid again...

Passed by someone's house again...it's just so (in)conveniently located next to the mall...

Her place doesn't face the street. I couldn't see if the lights were on. But can't help wondering......was she there? was there someone there with her? what was she doing?

I really should keep myself busy.

The Big Question

So...a certain person has moved another step further in invading my space...

Drinking at someone's house on Friday night. And (somewhat) on the side, this certain person (200% straight) asked..."Do you like men or women?"

Wow. *shock* I totally did not see that coming.

OK. So I am far from girly. That part is obvious to the world. So I am not at all surprised that people suspect things. And that I really don't care.

But this was actually the first time that someone has asked so directly. *shock*

So I somewhat avoided the question because of something else that was said at the time. But I know she will keep bugging me about this. Honestly, this person is not someone I am willing to trust enough to talk about my private stuff. So now what?

Our circle is too small...this can turn out really bad...

*sigh* I'm feeling like a coward again. Why am I afraid to let the world know that I had a relationship with a girl? This is ridiculous. But when I think of everything that's happened in the past few years, I really don't have the courage to do it.

Here I am, still thinking about someone that I've been missing for two years, but not doing anything about it. F*ck.

GF and family...why can't I have both?

Extremely Lost

OK. So last week today, I finished the last exam of my very first term in grad school. We went out, dinner, karaoke, drinks, etc. Best night we've all had in a while, considering we've had no life for the last three months.

So no more studying for three weeks. That's a relief, but I need to start applying for jobs for the January co-op, and that seems to be an even bigger source of stress. That...I will tackle...soon.

So...for the past week...been going out more, spending more money, drinking more, and sleeping less. And...thinking way too much. Having so much time on my hands now, I really start to question what the hell I'm doing with my life...

It's been three months of this business stuff. Do I like it? I can't give a definite answer. Yes...in the sense that it's practical and it's been relatively easy for me to pick up, and job prospects are (hopefully) better. But when I met with SJA people, when I see House on TV, when I see news about medical stuff...I start to regret that I joined this program.

And then I try to justify the choice I made three months ago. I joined this program because (1) it's easier to get a job, (2) because at the time I was jobless for a year, and (3) I have better chances of making money, moving out, being independent, and having more control of my life (faster).

Does all that justify the change from science to business? I have no answer.

Five years ago, my goal was to get a good career, because that was what I believed to be important. Five years later, I just want to make money and have full control of my life.

Gosh. That sounds so bad. But there are other things in life that are more important to me than a career, and to get there, I need my freedom/independence. But is this even right? I am trying to get to something that I can't see?!

Someone once said to me that the path from A to B isn't always the straight line, and that a detour may be better. Here I am. On some detour. But I don't even know if point B exists anymore!

!@#$% What the heck am I doing???

Aug 22

August 22...

For some reason, this date always pops into my head.

I've ripped my hair out trying to think what happened in my life on August 22, but I don't recall anything. There are other days in August that are special to me, but not August 22. I can remember what happened on a particular August 10th, and a particular August 30th, but not August 22nd. So why does this date always comes to mind?

What does it mean???

Stormy Day!

Crazy weather today! Yikes!

Started pouring rain with thunder and lightning around 6pm. First it was a severe thunderstorm warning. And then it became a tornado warning around 7pm! Within the next 30 minutes, there were reports of multiple tornadoes in Durham and Vaughan and even a suspected one in downtown Toronto. And Vaughan has now declared a state of emergency!

By 8pm, things were passing and it was quite an interesting scene. It was still raining a bit and really windy, but the sky was this weird yellow colour. Not normal at all! (Wish I had taken pictures of it...)

From newspapers...

Last Round

Alright.
Last night of studying.
I can do this.

Crunch Time

Haven't really been in the mood to write these few days. There's still the same million questions and concerns in my head, but they all have to be pushed back for now, although 99% of the time it seems completely impossible for me to do so.

Just need to survive for another few days...one assignment and two more exams...and a few recruitment events.

Between now (11:02pm) and before I go to bed (aiming for 3-4am?), the goal is to finish this assignment and read some 150+ pages of stuff. The only problem is I am already starting to get sleepy!

Suck it up and keep going.

That's how it always is.

I will survive...

B-day Regrets

Today was the last day of classes for my first semester in grad school! Yay! Now...just have to get through the next seven days...with 3 exams, 2 assignments, and 2 recruitment events. Yikes!

Yesterday was M's birthday. Knowing that she hasn't been too happy being half way around the world from home, I did what I could do (hopefully) make the day a little better for her. I tried to round up some people to go for dinner, but with our insanely tight schedule, nobody was really willing to go. So it was just the two of us. But it turns out that's the way M wanted it. We went to a place near campus and had dinner and a drink. It wasn't anything really special, but I think M was pretty happy with it, considering she really didn't expect to have any sort of celebrations for her birthday.

Being the idiot that I am....of course...this very ordinary birthday celebration has already got me thinking a million things...

I went out of my way to give M a nice birthday today. But three years ago, I didn't do anything for X, who has been the most important person in my life. I had promised X very early on that I would have a nice dinner with her on her birthday, and I didn't. All I could do was buy her bubble tea and gave her the little teddy bear. And she even had to drive over to see me.

Felt so ridiculous that day. Still do now. And I don't even know if I'll ever have the chance to make up for it.

Heart-wrenching just thinking about it...

*sigh*

The Nonexistent Four Years

Aug 10...

If not for all the chaos, X and I would have known each other for 4 years today. But in reality, everything only lasted for 7 months....of which for 4 months, I was totally clueless or unaware of what was going on between us.

I'm such an idiot.

Would X remember this day? Would she think of me today?

I'm feeling that intensely heavy feeling again...

Down...

Same class all day. Six hours at a time of a single subject is really insane. By 10am, I have basically already lost interest. So I mostly tuned out and worked on other things for the rest of the day. Whatever I missed...I'm sure I can pick up more quickly and efficiently from the textbook.

Don't know why......just not feeling up to par today.....down, despondent and irritable.

Stressed?...Perhaps a little...seeing as there's two assignments due tomorrow. But then I was already mostly done last night. So that can't be it. And plus...by now, I'm already so used to this.

Tired...as usual. I really need to find myself a new place to crash. Sometimes, home just really doesn't do it. Home is great. But being at home with family means that I have to deal with my own problems...and everybody else's. I need a place where I can just relax and not have to worry about anything. (*sigh*...back to the same problem...and thought....)

Maybe I really should consider moving out? But I don't make enough, and tuition has already put me in debt big time. And...of course...there are a lot of other major implications that will wreck havoc in my life.

Very tempted to drink...or ask M for a smoke. But of course...being me...I did not. Because then I would be a hypocrite. (Although in some people's minds I already am...)

So....I settled for Starbucks and ordered a strawberry banana smoothie.

But...with my amazing luck...the girl got it wrong and made me a chocolate banana smoothie.

*sigh*

Where's my listener?

For the past month or so, a certain tv show has really captured my attention...

The Listener......a show about a mind-reading paramedic, based in Toronto.

I have yet to watch a single episode of this show. And it seems that it's not that great, because it's been pulled off some networks already. But...of course...to me....a mind-reading paramedic is EXTREMELY interesting.

*sigh*...I 'love' how life always plays these games on me.

I've developed a great sense of respect for paramedics, partly because of my involvement with SJA, but more so because of X. And to this day, I still feel horribly guilty that I was never there by her side after all the long nights she had on the road.

(If only I could let you know how good you look in that uniform...)

If only I could have the chance prove myself...

Where has my mind-reading paramedic gone???

Recap

Been back to school for two months.

Very different people.

Very different environment.

Two months...

but there seems to be a few things that make me uneasy...

(1) M's curiosity in my love life.

People that have known me for a long time will never ask about these things, and I don't talk about it because (1) my love life has mostly been nonexistent and (2) it's not something everyone will accept. It seems that a comment I made before has caused M to be overly interested in my past.

(2) Some people's physical contact.

For some reason there seems to be people around me that are overly physical in their expression of friendship. Or maybe it's just me being a little overly sensitive about it. Regardless...it's kinda awkward.

(3) Interaction with a certain person.

For the last two months there has been a person that I have refrained from interacting with. Why? Because she looks so much like X. omg.

And of course....there is the continuation of that endless workload...which also makes me uneasy...

So...my average weekday is supposed to be...

6 hours of class

12 hours of study/work (since they recommend 2 hours per hour of class)

2+ hours of commuting

2 hours for meals

...leaving me 2 hours to sleep.

Lovely.

走地菇

http://hk.f1.page.auctions.yahoo.com/hk/show/bid_hist?aID=1119739867

omg...$4550 HKD!!!

that's like $650 CAD!!!

crazy!

it's great to see that hocc's products are in such high demand...

but that also means I have zero chance of ever getting any of these exclusive products.

=P

Where's my haven?

Extremely exhausted......

The classes, assignments, test and events are just nonstop. I don't know how much longer I can do this.

Wednesday was in class and at events 13 hours straight, nonstop.
Thursday was assignment night...until 4am.
Friday required me to "sell" myself to recruiters from the major firms.

This is really tiring.....

A few years ago there was one time when I felt really really tired, physically, emotionally and mentally. I skipped my morning obligations and went to X's house for the morning. When I got a chance to hug X, I just completely let go and let all my 'weight' fall onto X. That was the first time I really 'let go' with someone, and it was great to know that someone is there to 'hold you up'. After that, we just sat on the sofa together and fell asleep on each other's shoulders. That was definitely one of the most relaxing moments of my life.

If only I could do that again now....

I'm exhausted, but there's no place I can go to relax, and there's nobody around to help me bear all the 'weight'.

*sigh*

I miss you...

Wedding #3

Yesterday was the third wedding I've been to in the last two years. And there were many more that I knew of.

Three years ago, someone came back from a wedding and said to me that she wanted to give me a ring.

Three years ago, someone came back from a wedding and said to me that she was sad because she could never give me the same kind of recognition.

Being at the wedding yesterday made me think so much......

*sigh*

If it all happened today, would she still think the same thing?
If things were different, would she......?

Another week in hell...

This week has been another week in hell for way to many reasons...

Monday: (1) Broke my 7-year good driving record (2) Messed up a midterm (3) Gave a bad impression to a potential employer

Tuesday: (1) Handed in a sloppy assignment (2) Totally didn't pay attention to macro

Wednesday: (1) Didn't pay attentiont to macro again (2) Gave a controversial presentation (3) Probably let down a friend

Thursday: (1) Another stupid argument (2) Blamed for something I didn't do

Friday: (1) A sh*t load of housekeeping things to take care of.

And next week isn't going to get any better...

*sigh*

My Nonexistent Holiday

Very tired this week, even though it was my week off...

Monday - work on case for the whole day

Tuesday - work on another case for the whole day

Wednesday - went downtown for lunch

Thursday - yet another case meeting, and then dinner with R

Friday - endless number of errands, endless typing for assignment

All I really wanted was a day to stay home and do nothing, but it never happened.

Tomorrow is work and bbq.

Sunday is workshop.

Meaning I have to somehow find time to finish the assignment, do my part of the case and study some ten chapters for the midterm on Monday.

I've been hiding today, despite the fact that there are at least two people searching for me. Just don't feel like talking to anyone about anything.

It's just one of those days when the extreme introvert in me takes over...

Leave me alone.

Y&F

Friday night about ten of us went out to the Y&F area for Korean food. After a whole month of school, this was our first time going out together and it worked out pretty well, considering we had people from all over the city. Of course, it worked out to my advantage, since we went in the direction which was going towards home for me. Most of the other people had make the 45min drive back out to the campus area afterwards.

It was fun and all, I guess. But as I drove down that street that night, a lot of things came to mind...

There was a time that X said she wanted to have authentic Korean food, and she specifically wanted to go to the Y&F area, but we never had the chance to go...

There was a rainy day when we took the subway together and I drove her home from this area...

The irony....is that I went back to this area again yesterday.

When I wanted to go, there was never the chance. When it haunts me now, I end up going there twice in three days.

*sigh*

Will there be a chance?

If I invited you, would you come?

*sigh*

哭了...

今日特然要去 STC...再一次行同一條路線...

係車到求其攞咗隻CD黎聽...點知...當我經過某地方嘅時候...竟然響起 shampoo。

一路而來都覺得 shampoo 係有一種好 sweet 嘅感覺。每次聽都會令我諗起一D開心嘅片段﹐因為歌詞入面講嘅野真係係我身上發生過。

但係...今日...呢首歌...竟然令我喊咗出黎。

='(

或者...係因為一個月前自己同自己講過嘅野...
或者...係因為呢幾日聽咗好多次舊約...

或者...係因為......

='(

舊約

呢幾日聽咗首歌好多好多次...
有好多感覺...
有好多野諗...

唔知點解...
hocc 每一次有新歌﹐好似都會講出咗我心入面嘅一D野...

勞斯.萊斯...
圓滿...
木紋...
and more...

每一次都係出現得好合時﹐好諷刺...

舊約...亦都唔禮外...

光明會回來了

Download: http://www.goomusic.com.hk/savethedate.mp3


何韻詩 - 舊約

作曲: 陳奐仁for the invisible men/ 何秉舜@goomusic
填詞: 黃偉文
編曲: 陳奐仁for the invisible men/ 何秉舜@goomusic
監製: 陳奐仁for the invisible men/ 何秉舜@goomusic/ hocc@goomusic

任何險阻也不阻我約會你
即使摧毁天與地
突然身體髮膚充滿着猛烈潛能
危急時間 有力氣

尋常的我 從來無一點 傳奇
何解今天會飛 都只因你起

捱一顆子彈 一波海嘯 兩場地震
約會約好 鐵鞋踏碎 都撐下去
攔一輛坦克 一支火箭 百人換上武裝 也無懼
誰為約定 能這麼 飽經風雨 又行雷
朝你身影 走過去
誰要阻止 不要去 我亦去

臨危想你 平凡人基因 突然
會激發絕技
夷平圍牆千里 還擒拿幾艘戰機
凌空轉體八週 再着地~

捱一顆子彈 一波海嘯 兩場地震
約會約好 鐵鞋踏碎 都撐下去
攔一輛坦克 一支火箭 百人換上武裝 也無懼
誰為約定 能這麼 飽經風雨 又行雷
忘我演出 壯舉

來一束死光 一天飛劍 兩輪疫症
要是我知 你還赴約 怎會後退
練一尊金身 一雙天眼 滿懷熱血 再險 也無懼
純為証實 人世間 生死之約 尚留傳
像鉄金剛 衝過去
誠心和你 約會去

准我舉起五噸的吊臂 為你
清出青葱一片地

Time to shut up...

It seems I have made too many comments on someone's relationship issues, because the comments I made has now gotten her overly interested in my relationship matters...

So much so that she offered me a cigarette the other day when we walked off to talk.

And when she made the offer, I actually thought of accepting, and hesitated in saying no.

*sigh*...I am really not functioning properly these days.

Sunk

Feeling tired, stupid and useless today.

In need of a boost.
In need of a hug.
In need of a place to crash.

Yet it's impossible to get any of this.

And that makes me feel even more stupid.

*sigh*

Somewhere in time......

Today is the 2009 Toronto New Talent Singing Awards......

I no longer take interest in this show anymore because (1) the majority of people competing speak and sing in Mandarin, which I cannot completely grasp; and (2) there hasn't been any good guest performers; and (3) this show makes my mind wander off into a million directions......

It was 5 years ago, in 2004, that I actually went to watch the show......

I spent the day at the park with K, R, C and M. We only got on to four rides in the whole day, but that was the least of my concerns. The highlight of the day, at least for me, was the performing guest at the 2004 NTSA......

HOCC.

I can still remember the awe of seeing her perform live for the first time.....*faints*

But even that is not the thing that shakes me up.

What bugs me most is a question that can never be answered......

But I believe.

Smoke in the Air

The start of a new program has brought a lot of new people into my life. vTo me, an interesting part of this was that this new group brought in a lot of smokers into my life. All my life, the people that I have had around me are not the type that would smoke and drink. Surprising as it is, this seems somewhat 'new' to me.

One person told me that she had not smoked for a long time, but the stress that has built up in these first few weeks of classes has caused her to start up again.

Why is all of this worth writing about?

Because when I heard that this girl was just starting up again, a part of me had the urge to ask her to let me try one. I have never touched a cigarette in my life, but something deep down is causing this curiosity in me.

Sometimes I think......if smoking and drinking can take away the weight in my heart even just for a while, perhaps it is worth the physical harm......because the weight I feel inside is killing me.

Of course. It's all just a thought, and I will never do it.

There was a time when X said she wanted to smoke. She told me that the reason she didn't was because I told her not to. *sigh* How could I possibly go against what I said to her?

On a different note...

While talking about smoking and music, I sent someone Chet Lam's song One Cigarette's Time. I have never smoked, but for some reason, that song has always had an effect on me. Right away, I think of some depressed person smoking in a pub, thinking of someone he/she loves. Somehow, the song brings a very clear image to my mind.

And this person's reaction to this song..."It sounds so gay." How 'interesting'.

In the song, there is a line that goes "用了一支煙的時間掛念誰..."

When I told X that I like this song, she asked me if there was someone that I was thinking of.

At the time......no, not at all. I merely liked the feeling of the song.

Ask me again now...

Yes, I am thinking of someone.
I am thinking of you.

Plans and Line-Ups

It's only been two weeks of classes and life is already starting to get hectic. Two three hour classes a day often means four to five chapters of reading a day, plus additional articles, plus assignments, plus tests. There's not enough time to do anything!

Sadly, I have already given up on reading for one or two classes. Hopefully I can survive with what I already know.

Lined up for this week......two assignments and a test.

What I wanted to do this weekend had to be pushed back. But I just realized that next Sunday is Father's Day and that I have another test the following Monday. Whether or not my plans can be carried out next weekend has come into question yet again.

There are three different people/parties that I have promised to meet up with. When and how that's going to happen is totally up in the air.

The fourth person....well...that is a different matter that requires much more time and effort.

I'm willing to keep going for as long as I need to. But some things can't wait and won't wait. There are things I need to do. Or else I will regret it.

Magic

What I thought to be lost forever has....like magic....reappeared.

=) Of course, my initial reaction is to be very happy! (And still am!)

But...being the 'idiot' that I am, my mind naturally drifts off and tries to think of the millions of things that may have happened.

What initially happened? Did you make a mistake? Did you change your mind? Did you read what I wrote? Did you mean something?......................

I can go on forever thinking about this and drive myself nuts.

If you really do know......

Thank you.

Nine Feelings

有了這九種感情，才能叫做愛情

第一種：美麗的感覺
俗話說情人眼裏出西施，所以在有愛情的時候，你一定會覺得對方最好看，即使有別的異性比你愛的對象好看，但對你而言，他才是你心中最沒的一個，而且是别人無法相比的。

第二種：親愛的感覺
當你愛上一個人，你會有種很親切的感覺，跟他在一起，你會覺得很舒服，很和諧。你可以信任并依賴他。他像是一個親密的家人，甚至可以說，比一個家人更親密，而且在這親密裏，你更體會到一份溫馨的感覺——這就是親愛的感覺。在這個愛情的國度裏，他願意包容你所有的缺點。

第三種：羨慕及尊重有感覺
一個健康的愛情關系，應當有以對方為榮的感覺，你會欣賞對方所有的一切，包括內在與外在的條件和優點，并且對方也讓你感覺，他處處以你為榮。如果這種感覺存在的話，不論他做這件事是成功或失敗，你都會欣賞他的才華，而不是重視結果。

第四種：讚許的愛情
相愛的時候，你是否喜歡誇獎對方，而且不僅是欣賞，或敷衍了事而已，你還會喜歡在他不在的時候想其他人講述他的種種好，哪怕幫你泡一碗即食麵。重要的是，你從誇獎對方的熱誠之中感到無比的快樂。

第五種：受到尊重的自尊
愛情關系可以提高一個人的自尊心，可以讓個你感覺到生活的意義，因為愛情能夠讓你發現，其實你有著無人可比的獨特性，雖然你有優點，也有缺點，但是你的獨特性使你敵後到無比的尊重，生命也因此無比的快樂。

第六種：佔有慾
愛情是絕對獨占的，是不能與他人分享其親密的男女關系，因此，當愛情從不確定走向穩定後，學要以婚姻來持續以後的日子，所以我們在結婚時彼此相約相許。在真實的愛情生活裏，活象許諾忠誠是必要的。

第七種：行動自由
如果一個人有正當的理由，他行動的自由一定要受到尊重，這樣才不會破壞兩人之間的愛情關系。愛情跟著感覺走的人雖然十分令人擔心湖泊生氣，但是對于熱愛歲性生活的人而言，限制或約束一點用都沒有，還不如給他自由，空間。他總會回來的。

第八種：深深的同情
人們對深愛的人常會有憐惜的感覺，經常會為對方考慮，如果對方受到挫折，我們會非常願意為他分擔痛苦與挫折，把對方所受的苦當作自己所遭遇的苦難一樣，或是更勝于自己的苦難，因為愛情裏，我們願意為對方而犧牲自己的利益。

第九種：生理上的性衝動
當我們在對一為異性產生興趣或是愛上某位異性時，都希望彼此有繩梯的接觸。在正式的愛情生活裏這種欲望是永遠存在的。性沖動并不是單單祇是行為，它還包括了許多其他親密的身體上的接觸，如牽手，擁抱等等，這種情感會永遠存在于愛人心中。

這是一般愛情應有的感覺，尤其是獨佔須要絕對存在，不然就不是真正的愛。

許多人都可以一心二用，但那段感情是不能長久。亦不要騙自己在對方心目中是比較重要，那是自欺欺人的事情。

如果甚麼都願意付出，就會失去自我，愛一個人是不能愛到自我也沒有，這樣的愛情，也是不會有結果的。

This is very interesting...

If you are in love, you should have these nine feelings:
1) See beauty in him/her.
2) Feel very close to him/her.
3) Admire and respect him/her.
4) Be supportive of him/her.
5) Feel respected.
6) Be, to some extent, possessive.
7) Be free to do what you want.
8) Feel sympathetic and empathetic.
9) Feel the need for physical contact.

If I say that I had all nine, and still do, would you believe me?

Intention vs Method

If you want to achieve something, how much of your time and energy should you allocate to intention and method?

My original thought: 30% intention + 70% method.

But the expert says.......100% intention, and the method will naturally fall in place.

Ok then.

I have 100% intention, no doubt. But after all this time, I still haven't been able to make the methods fall into place. Am I doing something wrong? Just when I have confirmed my intentions to myself and have decided it's the right time to take action, things have taken a step backwards. Or at least it seems that way.

100% intention is useless if you can't make things happen.

I'm trying, but will you wait for me?

Erased

With my mind still stuck on the ball game, I went to a particular blog last night because I remembered something that was written there.

But all I found at that URL was....nothing.

It's all gone.

Has there been some mistake? Have I been robbed of this last little thing too? It's not my blog, but everything there was a part of my life. How could someone just take away two year's worth of memories from me?

I feel crushed...emotionally, mentally, physically. For all of last night and today, I can feel that squeeze inside.

Has something happened that I don't know about? Have you decided to put an end to all of this and erase everything? Do you really hate me that much that you must erase me from your memory? Or is there some other reason for this?

I've held on for so long because it's all so important to me. Yet, now that I have a chance to start changing things, it seems I've been kicked out of the game for good.

*sigh*

I love you. Always did. And still do. Please...

The Old Ball Game

Some ten to fifteen years ago, there was a period of time when I was a huge baseball fan. Somewhere in the corners of the basement, I still have autographed baseballs, bats and gloves. But like most people, as the local team seemed to be getting worse and worse, I lost interest.

For the first time in 15 years, I went to a Toronto Blue Jays game at the Rogers Centre tonight. Coincidentally, today (June 3, 2009) marked the 20th anniversary of the stadium. Sadly, they did not do anything special, except invite Avril Lavigne to throw the ceremonial first pitch.

The purpose of the night was not really the ball game or the food, but networking with alumni, upper year students and faculty. Did I achieve this goal? Perhaps. But will have to do better next time.

The night was enjoyable. Seeing as the game itself was far from interesting, we took our drinks with us and just randomly dropped in on conversations and tables. Discussions ranged from movies to politics to cocktails.

I enjoyed the night, but for the entire night, something else was going through my head......

I was 'stupid' enough to believe that maybe, just maybe, someone would also be there tonight and that maybe, just maybe, we would bump into each another.

But of course, it's all just my mind running wild.

The Definition of "Rest"

D comes home from a long day of work and is exhausted. After dinner, D spends forever looking for a receipt so that something can be returned at a certain store. D goes to the store, but does not come back for a long time.

D finally comes back, saying that he was looking at books and magazines at the store.

M is not amused. M says, "Why would you purposely go out to return something to the store and hang around to look at books and magazines after a long day of work? Why wouldn't you wait until the weekend and just get some rest now?"

!@#$% WTF?

D went to return something that M bought and M is complaining?
D is a 50+ man and he cannot be out for longer than expected?
D cannot use his free time or rest time to do the things he wants?

I really don't understand.

What you learn from Facebook...

Of the millions of quizzes on Facebook, these results have got to be the most interesting...

"你男男女女都喜欢．讓你有如被催眠一樣的被她／他吸引着，有点甜蜜及麻碎的感觉，不理会它是异性还是同性．在你毫無防備的一飲而盡之後，馬上就醉的分不清方向了。"

So this is me?

Maybe...

My Priceless ID

Seeing as I am starting a new program at a different campus next week, I decided I should get a new ID card with the right info. And plus, my original one was so scratched up you could barely see the picture.

In order to get my name right in the records, I decided to show the lady my original ID instead of my driver's license. She took my picture, printed up the new card, transferred my balance....and then told me she had to destroy my old ID because that was university regulations.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Why did she not inform me of this before??? Had she told me this beforehand, I would have stuck with the old ID, or not shown her my old ID at all!!!

What's on the old ID? Nothing.

What I want too keep.......are the words that someone special said about the picture on the card.

*sigh*

What Money Buys...

So what's the difference between a $5000/year undergraduate program and $27000/year graduate program?

$5000/year undergrad program...
- Lunch provided most likely means a pizza lunch with pop and juice.
- Subsidized student events and socials.
- Orientation package includes a sack of useless papers, ads and stickers.
- Nobody cares if you go to class, do your work or anything.
- You are a student number with no face attached, because you are merely one of the thousands.

$27000/year graduate program...
- Full breakfast, lunch and dinner, including desserts and drinks (as in alcohol).
- Free student events, including sports games with dinners.
- Orientation package includes a brand-name work bag and a thermal mug.
- The program has its own lounge, computer lab, classrooms, work rooms, etc.
- Free printing and photocopying.
- 24 hour access to program facilities.

Worth an extra $22000?

I have yet to find out.

FRESH START

New things.
New start.

Just feel the need to "start over" from here.

Tomorrow is the beginning of something new.
A big turn and a big step.

Let's start over.

Does that mean I give up? Does that I mean I give in? Does that I mean I let go?

No. I believe what I believe. Nobody can change that. But from here on, perhaps it's time to look at things and approach things from a different perspective.

Let's have a fresh start.

Surprise

Another surprise...

Have I done something wrong again? You've taken that one last thing away from me. Do you hate me so much that you can't even let me keep one little thing?

Right when I have found the chance to make things change, you take away my hope.

Right when I think I can move closer, you move further away.

Do you know how much it hurts?

Mother's Day #4

I wrote three words on a card...

But perhaps these words, however genuine, will only cause anger.

Mother's Day....
A day I somewhat no longer understand.

*sigh*

Closing In

Too close.
Too far.

The things you want are always close by, but still unreachable.
The things you hate might seem far, but still somehow touch you.

Is it my luck or what? Nothing ever turns out right.

Just a few words, and I can create another war.

WTF

This Path

I'm not sure if what I'm doing is right.
I'm not sure if what I'm doing is wrong.

I'm not sure if I am moving closer.
I'm not sure if something is moving further.

I'm not sure what I will have.
I'm not sure what I will lose.

I'm not sure if there is a chance.
I'm not sure if I've already lost.

I'm not sure if you hate me for all that's happened.
I'm not sure if you hate me for not pushing forward.

But please...
Trust me.

23

I've learned it's best not to wish.
I've learned it's best not to hope.

I've learned it's best to just try and forget.

But in the end, you still end up remembering, and hoping, and wishing.

A little more disappointment.
A little less faith.

The fourth time...and it still feels the same.

Exclusion

It hurts to know that I am being excluded from the life of someone I love.

It means so much to me, but you've taken away my privileges.

I mean no harm...

I just want to love you.

Getting Physical

Perhaps you were right.
I could never understand what you felt.
But now I do.

Connections......

Your charm...
Your kindness...
Your intelligence...

Your touch.

When did it start to get physical?

I want to hold you.
I want to touch you.
I want to feel you here with me.

How do I fix this hole?

Wrongs make a right.

It was all 'wrong' from the beginning...

It's not like me to reply to such random e-mails.
It's not like me to go beyond the surface with a stranger.
It's not like me to 'hug' someone, even if only in virtual reality.

Yet, for whatever reason, that was what I did that night.

And everything turned out to feel so right.

Stupidity?
Chance?
Fate?

I don't care.

I just want you back here with me, because nothing ever felt so right.

Please?

Split Second

Out of the 365 in a year, 24 hours make up your special day.

Within these 24 hours, I thought of you, surely, no less than 24 times.

Within these 24 hours, did you think of me for a split second?

='(

[............]

328

Happy birthday, my dear.
I love you.

If only you knew how much it hurts...

Spiral

Mind's racing.
Heart's aching.

Extremely extremely heavy...

='(

Can I...?

Time flies...and I'm missing out on so many things.

Nightmare Continued

1095 days.

Have things changed? Have things improved? I can't be sure.

But I tried, and am still trying.

All this time, I never gave in, and the world hates me for it. But this is what I choose.

When the time comes, will you still be there?

Not Enough for You

I really wanted to send you a gift, but what I had in mind doesn't seem right anymore. What seemed like a good idea before now seems ridiculous and meaningless.

I've been trying hard to find you the perfect card, but none of the cards out there says what I want to say. Perhaps what I need is a blank card.

Running out of time...

In Need...

...of some support...and guidance...and TLC.

Yes. I want a hug.

Yes. Me.

Four Loves

What is affection?
What is friendship?
What is love?
What is God?

Feel

Too much thoughts.
Too much feelings.
Too much emotions.

What am I supposed to do with all these secrets?

It's all so new to me, and it's already killing me.

What the eyes don't see, the heart doesn't grieve?

How could that possibly be true???

The eyes can't see anything, but the heart feels every little bit.

Still Here

I never tried to escape anything.

Nothingness

No job.
No school.
No appetite.
Head hurts.
Can't sleep.

Lost.
Confused.
Scared.
In pain.

Alone.

I say I'm in love with her...

"I say I’m in love with her. What does that mean? It means I review my future and my past in the light of this feeling. It is as though I wrote in a foreign language that I am suddenly able to read. Wordlessly, she explains me to myself. Like genius, she is ignorant of what she does." - JW, The Passion

All of a sudden, I don't want to go anymore.

Two weeks to myself would really be great. Mom in HK. Dad at work. K in Waterloo.

If I had two weeks alone, what would I do?
Perhaps...I would do what I should have done two years ago.

*sigh*

Don't want to go anywhere.

Just want to be left alone.

Empty...Still...

There is a FREE HOCC CONCERT in HK when I'm going to be there.

And I feel nothing.

And I don't want to go at all.

*sigh*