The Big Question

So...a certain person has moved another step further in invading my space...

Drinking at someone's house on Friday night. And (somewhat) on the side, this certain person (200% straight) asked..."Do you like men or women?"

Wow. *shock* I totally did not see that coming.

OK. So I am far from girly. That part is obvious to the world. So I am not at all surprised that people suspect things. And that I really don't care.

But this was actually the first time that someone has asked so directly. *shock*

So I somewhat avoided the question because of something else that was said at the time. But I know she will keep bugging me about this. Honestly, this person is not someone I am willing to trust enough to talk about my private stuff. So now what?

Our circle is too small...this can turn out really bad...

*sigh* I'm feeling like a coward again. Why am I afraid to let the world know that I had a relationship with a girl? This is ridiculous. But when I think of everything that's happened in the past few years, I really don't have the courage to do it.

Here I am, still thinking about someone that I've been missing for two years, but not doing anything about it. F*ck.

GF and family...why can't I have both?

Extremely Lost

OK. So last week today, I finished the last exam of my very first term in grad school. We went out, dinner, karaoke, drinks, etc. Best night we've all had in a while, considering we've had no life for the last three months.

So no more studying for three weeks. That's a relief, but I need to start applying for jobs for the January co-op, and that seems to be an even bigger source of stress. That...I will tackle...soon.

So...for the past week...been going out more, spending more money, drinking more, and sleeping less. And...thinking way too much. Having so much time on my hands now, I really start to question what the hell I'm doing with my life...

It's been three months of this business stuff. Do I like it? I can't give a definite answer. Yes...in the sense that it's practical and it's been relatively easy for me to pick up, and job prospects are (hopefully) better. But when I met with SJA people, when I see House on TV, when I see news about medical stuff...I start to regret that I joined this program.

And then I try to justify the choice I made three months ago. I joined this program because (1) it's easier to get a job, (2) because at the time I was jobless for a year, and (3) I have better chances of making money, moving out, being independent, and having more control of my life (faster).

Does all that justify the change from science to business? I have no answer.

Five years ago, my goal was to get a good career, because that was what I believed to be important. Five years later, I just want to make money and have full control of my life.

Gosh. That sounds so bad. But there are other things in life that are more important to me than a career, and to get there, I need my freedom/independence. But is this even right? I am trying to get to something that I can't see?!

Someone once said to me that the path from A to B isn't always the straight line, and that a detour may be better. Here I am. On some detour. But I don't even know if point B exists anymore!

!@#$% What the heck am I doing???

Aug 22

August 22...

For some reason, this date always pops into my head.

I've ripped my hair out trying to think what happened in my life on August 22, but I don't recall anything. There are other days in August that are special to me, but not August 22. I can remember what happened on a particular August 10th, and a particular August 30th, but not August 22nd. So why does this date always comes to mind?

What does it mean???

Stormy Day!

Crazy weather today! Yikes!

Started pouring rain with thunder and lightning around 6pm. First it was a severe thunderstorm warning. And then it became a tornado warning around 7pm! Within the next 30 minutes, there were reports of multiple tornadoes in Durham and Vaughan and even a suspected one in downtown Toronto. And Vaughan has now declared a state of emergency!

By 8pm, things were passing and it was quite an interesting scene. It was still raining a bit and really windy, but the sky was this weird yellow colour. Not normal at all! (Wish I had taken pictures of it...)

From newspapers...

Last Round

Alright.
Last night of studying.
I can do this.

Crunch Time

Haven't really been in the mood to write these few days. There's still the same million questions and concerns in my head, but they all have to be pushed back for now, although 99% of the time it seems completely impossible for me to do so.

Just need to survive for another few days...one assignment and two more exams...and a few recruitment events.

Between now (11:02pm) and before I go to bed (aiming for 3-4am?), the goal is to finish this assignment and read some 150+ pages of stuff. The only problem is I am already starting to get sleepy!

Suck it up and keep going.

That's how it always is.

I will survive...

B-day Regrets

Today was the last day of classes for my first semester in grad school! Yay! Now...just have to get through the next seven days...with 3 exams, 2 assignments, and 2 recruitment events. Yikes!

Yesterday was M's birthday. Knowing that she hasn't been too happy being half way around the world from home, I did what I could do (hopefully) make the day a little better for her. I tried to round up some people to go for dinner, but with our insanely tight schedule, nobody was really willing to go. So it was just the two of us. But it turns out that's the way M wanted it. We went to a place near campus and had dinner and a drink. It wasn't anything really special, but I think M was pretty happy with it, considering she really didn't expect to have any sort of celebrations for her birthday.

Being the idiot that I am....of course...this very ordinary birthday celebration has already got me thinking a million things...

I went out of my way to give M a nice birthday today. But three years ago, I didn't do anything for X, who has been the most important person in my life. I had promised X very early on that I would have a nice dinner with her on her birthday, and I didn't. All I could do was buy her bubble tea and gave her the little teddy bear. And she even had to drive over to see me.

Felt so ridiculous that day. Still do now. And I don't even know if I'll ever have the chance to make up for it.

Heart-wrenching just thinking about it...

*sigh*

The Nonexistent Four Years

Aug 10...

If not for all the chaos, X and I would have known each other for 4 years today. But in reality, everything only lasted for 7 months....of which for 4 months, I was totally clueless or unaware of what was going on between us.

I'm such an idiot.

Would X remember this day? Would she think of me today?

I'm feeling that intensely heavy feeling again...

Down...

Same class all day. Six hours at a time of a single subject is really insane. By 10am, I have basically already lost interest. So I mostly tuned out and worked on other things for the rest of the day. Whatever I missed...I'm sure I can pick up more quickly and efficiently from the textbook.

Don't know why......just not feeling up to par today.....down, despondent and irritable.

Stressed?...Perhaps a little...seeing as there's two assignments due tomorrow. But then I was already mostly done last night. So that can't be it. And plus...by now, I'm already so used to this.

Tired...as usual. I really need to find myself a new place to crash. Sometimes, home just really doesn't do it. Home is great. But being at home with family means that I have to deal with my own problems...and everybody else's. I need a place where I can just relax and not have to worry about anything. (*sigh*...back to the same problem...and thought....)

Maybe I really should consider moving out? But I don't make enough, and tuition has already put me in debt big time. And...of course...there are a lot of other major implications that will wreck havoc in my life.

Very tempted to drink...or ask M for a smoke. But of course...being me...I did not. Because then I would be a hypocrite. (Although in some people's minds I already am...)

So....I settled for Starbucks and ordered a strawberry banana smoothie.

But...with my amazing luck...the girl got it wrong and made me a chocolate banana smoothie.

*sigh*

Where's my listener?

For the past month or so, a certain tv show has really captured my attention...

The Listener......a show about a mind-reading paramedic, based in Toronto.

I have yet to watch a single episode of this show. And it seems that it's not that great, because it's been pulled off some networks already. But...of course...to me....a mind-reading paramedic is EXTREMELY interesting.

*sigh*...I 'love' how life always plays these games on me.

I've developed a great sense of respect for paramedics, partly because of my involvement with SJA, but more so because of X. And to this day, I still feel horribly guilty that I was never there by her side after all the long nights she had on the road.

(If only I could let you know how good you look in that uniform...)

If only I could have the chance prove myself...

Where has my mind-reading paramedic gone???