Extremely Lost

OK. So last week today, I finished the last exam of my very first term in grad school. We went out, dinner, karaoke, drinks, etc. Best night we've all had in a while, considering we've had no life for the last three months.

So no more studying for three weeks. That's a relief, but I need to start applying for jobs for the January co-op, and that seems to be an even bigger source of stress. That...I will tackle...soon.

So...for the past week...been going out more, spending more money, drinking more, and sleeping less. And...thinking way too much. Having so much time on my hands now, I really start to question what the hell I'm doing with my life...

It's been three months of this business stuff. Do I like it? I can't give a definite answer. Yes...in the sense that it's practical and it's been relatively easy for me to pick up, and job prospects are (hopefully) better. But when I met with SJA people, when I see House on TV, when I see news about medical stuff...I start to regret that I joined this program.

And then I try to justify the choice I made three months ago. I joined this program because (1) it's easier to get a job, (2) because at the time I was jobless for a year, and (3) I have better chances of making money, moving out, being independent, and having more control of my life (faster).

Does all that justify the change from science to business? I have no answer.

Five years ago, my goal was to get a good career, because that was what I believed to be important. Five years later, I just want to make money and have full control of my life.

Gosh. That sounds so bad. But there are other things in life that are more important to me than a career, and to get there, I need my freedom/independence. But is this even right? I am trying to get to something that I can't see?!

Someone once said to me that the path from A to B isn't always the straight line, and that a detour may be better. Here I am. On some detour. But I don't even know if point B exists anymore!

!@#$% What the heck am I doing???