Every day on the way to and from campus, I pass by the airport. And every time, there is always a plane taking off, making its way up into the sky.
I always wonder where the plane is heading for. Who is on that plane? Where are they going? Why are they going there? What are their plans?
I love traveling. I love going places. I love seeing the nature and the history of the places I go to. Unfortunately, being the poor student that I am, it's just not possible to go anywhere these days. Perhaps in a few years.
Where do I want to go? Honestly, I don't have a "dream destination". At the top of the list is (1) HK, to visit family; and (2) UK, for reasons I should not have. But other than that, it really doesn't matter where I go.
For the last few years, I've always had the urge to run away from everyone and everything in my life. To a certain point, I want to break all ties with everyone ( including family) I know and everything that I do and move to a foreign place and start over.
If I had the money, perhaps I really would have done this three years ago.
I know it's very irresponsible and cowardly, because it's like I'm trying to avoid all the conflict in my life. But it's been three years, I'm tired. I really have no energy to keep at this indefinitely.
I need change. I need space. I need freedom.
All I want...is to live my life the way I choose.
Is that too much to ask for?
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Time Flies...
At work today, someone asked me if I was new on the job. I explained that she probably never saw me before because I'm only there on Saturdays. Then I went on to say that I've been working there for more than three years...
Wow...three years...
What have I done with my life for the last three years?
(1) Finished my undergrad.
(2) Went to HK twice.
(3) Quit all my volunteer work.
(4) Jobless for a year.
(5) Gave up on med school.
(6) Got into grad school.
(7) Put myself highly into debt.
(8) Lost the "most important" person in my life.
(9) F**ked up my family.
What have I accomplished?...Nothing at all.
What have I gained?...I can't think of anything.
What have I lost?...Too much to count.
I dare to say that these few years have been the most difficult times of my life.
All I know is that everything put together has changed my views about a lot of things...about life, about family, about friends, about love, about career, about people, about me.
It's been three years...since...
*sigh*
Wow...three years...
What have I done with my life for the last three years?
(1) Finished my undergrad.
(2) Went to HK twice.
(3) Quit all my volunteer work.
(4) Jobless for a year.
(5) Gave up on med school.
(6) Got into grad school.
(7) Put myself highly into debt.
(8) Lost the "most important" person in my life.
(9) F**ked up my family.
What have I accomplished?...Nothing at all.
What have I gained?...I can't think of anything.
What have I lost?...Too much to count.
I dare to say that these few years have been the most difficult times of my life.
All I know is that everything put together has changed my views about a lot of things...about life, about family, about friends, about love, about career, about people, about me.
It's been three years...since...
*sigh*
Friday, October 23, 2009
Shake
As part of our communications assignment, we were asked to shoot a video of each person telling a story...
One of the stories today really got to me...
It turns out someone in our class once volunteered as a paramedic in another country. He talked about a time when he had to deal with someone who had been shot several times. Most people thought the story was really bloody and gory.
But the blood and gore was meaningless to me compared to the millions of thoughts and feelings flying through my head.
*sigh*...why am I always like this?
One of the stories today really got to me...
It turns out someone in our class once volunteered as a paramedic in another country. He talked about a time when he had to deal with someone who had been shot several times. Most people thought the story was really bloody and gory.
But the blood and gore was meaningless to me compared to the millions of thoughts and feelings flying through my head.
*sigh*...why am I always like this?
Saturday, October 17, 2009
The Endless Cycle
Once again...for the ten millionth time...we are back at square one.
How many times must I explain myself before you understand that nobody's going to make me change? How many times must we repeat the same conversation before you take me seriously? How many times must we argue about this and f**k up everything before you accept the reality?
Why is that all the pain I've gone through in the last three years is worthless, but you can accuse me of hurting you? Why is it that I sacrificed the person I love only to have you continuously attacking me nonstop? Why is it that my sadness means nothing to you?
No matter how much time goes by, my view will not change. What I want to say I've been saying for the last three years. It's just that you refuse to listen to what I have to say. What more can I do?
I'm really tired of this "game", physically, mentally and emotionally. I don't want to "play" anymore.
How many times must I explain myself before you understand that nobody's going to make me change? How many times must we repeat the same conversation before you take me seriously? How many times must we argue about this and f**k up everything before you accept the reality?
Why is that all the pain I've gone through in the last three years is worthless, but you can accuse me of hurting you? Why is it that I sacrificed the person I love only to have you continuously attacking me nonstop? Why is it that my sadness means nothing to you?
No matter how much time goes by, my view will not change. What I want to say I've been saying for the last three years. It's just that you refuse to listen to what I have to say. What more can I do?
I'm really tired of this "game", physically, mentally and emotionally. I don't want to "play" anymore.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Fishy Matters
While rushing to get things done this morning, a friend from the west coast messaged me. We haven't talked for many months. It was kind of surprising that she messaged me all of a sudden, because I was a little under the impression that I had scared her off.
I've known this person online for many years, but we've never met in person before. For all these years, she never came to TO, and I never went over to the west coast, and our vacations to HK never coincided.
This person is one of the two mutual friends that me and X had, although only online. As far as I know, X has never actually met this person in real life before either. But somehow, the three of us, and a fourth person, became connected through a common interest.
For the past two years, I've kind of avoided talking to this person. A part of me is under the impression that X spoke to her about us and that she keeps in touch with X. But when I asked her about X before, she said she hadn't talked to X in a long time. This, I am somewhat skeptical of.
What did X tell her?
What does she know?
Is she in contact with X?
My head is spinning out of control again...
I've known this person online for many years, but we've never met in person before. For all these years, she never came to TO, and I never went over to the west coast, and our vacations to HK never coincided.
This person is one of the two mutual friends that me and X had, although only online. As far as I know, X has never actually met this person in real life before either. But somehow, the three of us, and a fourth person, became connected through a common interest.
For the past two years, I've kind of avoided talking to this person. A part of me is under the impression that X spoke to her about us and that she keeps in touch with X. But when I asked her about X before, she said she hadn't talked to X in a long time. This, I am somewhat skeptical of.
What did X tell her?
What does she know?
Is she in contact with X?
My head is spinning out of control again...
Sunday, October 11, 2009
=(
A million memories.
A million thoughts.
Three years since I've seen you.
Two years since we've talked.
Still miss you so much.
Does that mean anything to you?
A million thoughts.
Three years since I've seen you.
Two years since we've talked.
Still miss you so much.
Does that mean anything to you?
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Missing Out
wow...chet x eman concert AND hocc concert this week...in hk
I'm missing out on all this?!?!?!
*sigh*
But the reality is...even if these shows come to Toronto this year or next year...I'm most likely not going to go...
Unless...X will go with me...
But chances of that...0%
Just thinking of hocc concert is killing me...
I'm missing out on all this?!?!?!
*sigh*
But the reality is...even if these shows come to Toronto this year or next year...I'm most likely not going to go...
Unless...X will go with me...
But chances of that...0%
Just thinking of hocc concert is killing me...
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Night in Hell
Last night...worked until 1am...didn't get home until almost 3am.
Things are still not done. Still lots to do and I'm the one who's gonna do it. Great.
Two things really bothered me last night....
First. A certain person said some things that I thought was very rude. It was meant to be a joke, but I don't think it's funny at all. Especially when this is for a classroom setting, I really don't think it's appropriate. But somehow the person who said it is totally oblivious to it. I really wonder if she said that "joke" just to see how I would react.
Second. There were numerous Monchhichi dolls my friend's house. -_-'' The only times I've seen so many were (1) at a store that sells them; (2) in my room; and (3) at X's house. -_-'' Just the sight of the little monkeys was enough to drive me nuts. A million things went through my mind again...
If only there was a way...
Things are still not done. Still lots to do and I'm the one who's gonna do it. Great.
Two things really bothered me last night....
First. A certain person said some things that I thought was very rude. It was meant to be a joke, but I don't think it's funny at all. Especially when this is for a classroom setting, I really don't think it's appropriate. But somehow the person who said it is totally oblivious to it. I really wonder if she said that "joke" just to see how I would react.
Second. There were numerous Monchhichi dolls my friend's house. -_-'' The only times I've seen so many were (1) at a store that sells them; (2) in my room; and (3) at X's house. -_-'' Just the sight of the little monkeys was enough to drive me nuts. A million things went through my mind again...
If only there was a way...
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