Hippo

My Christmas wish is exactly what the song in this commercial says..."I want a hippopotamus for Christmas..."

No.  I don't want the cell phones.  I want Hippo!  Yes, Hippo.

Of course, nobody knows what I mean by Hippo.

If I can have a Christmas wish, it would be to take Hippo out for a long ride with X, out to the middle of nowhere, with nobody else around, while listening to these two awesome CDs:






























Of course, that is just my daydreaming again. It would never happen.

But I really do wonder where the "real" Hippo is now...

For now...here is the hippo that I bought last weekend...

Merry Christmas.......wherever you are.....

[..................]......forever and a day.

今天應該更高興

誰人像我一個人 誰人沒氣力談情 
避免感觸太多 感覺太亂難清醒 
成全幸福的拼圖 人潮中我漸忘形 

這天燈飾照閃 假使你在旁 今天應該更高興 

[.........] 

Dec 23

It's already December 23rd, but for some reason it really doesn't feel like Christmas to me at all...

Christmas has always been my favourite holiday, but it seems I'm "losing interest" these past few years.  There's not much to be excited about, and there's not much to look forward to.  In a sense, it seems that Christmas has lost its meaning to me

These few days I've had more free time, and no school work to think about.  As usual, my mind tends to go off in all directions.  Who?  What?  When?  Where?  How?

The first thing that comes to mind is that card I mailed out last week.  It's been a week.  If all went smoothly, my card should have reached it's destination.

I wonder......

Cruel Intentions

Horoscope for Dec 22, from Tarot.com:

"Your intentions are good; you want nothing more than peace and harmony for everyone involved. But you can see a power struggle brewing on the horizon like an incoming storm. Unfortunately, if you try to take control today, you'll only increase the awkward tension. Although being flexible is sometimes challenging for you, the wisest thing you can do now is remain neutral and let the situation continue to play out on its own."

 I "love" how these horoscopes are always right about the bad things, but never about the good things.

I never meant to hurt anyone.  But what can I do when the world has opposing views?  Who do I "sacrifice"?  Who do I "satisfy"?

All I know is......in the end......everybody gets hurt.

???

Why does life have to be so complicated?
What am I supposed to be doing?
???

What goes up must come down...

Jonathan Cainer's Taurus horoscope for tomorrow:

"What goes up must come down. But from 'down', the only way is up. What then, is so bad about feeling low? It can only be a matter of time before that changes. You may have more reason to worry if you're on an 'up'. The higher you climb, the further you'll slip if you trip. Although, hold on... WHO says that what goes up must come down? Doesn't it depend on how far up you get? Heavenly bodies, in space, don't crash from the sky! Mars and Venus insist that you're not destined to fall this weekend. But you could be about to rise!"

And how many times have I said the same thing to myself?...I've lost count.

I once asked someone if it's better to be at the top and risk falling, or if it's better to be climbing and have hope of reaching the top.  The reply I got was that it's better to be at the top and take the risk, because at least you've been there to enjoy the view.  The one that's climbing might never get there.

What goes up must come down.  I've been to the top.  And I've fallen down really hard.  Does that mean things will only get better?  Does that mean I'll eventually get to where I want to be?  Does that mean things will work out?

Who am I kidding?

Let's hope that this prediction is accurate...cuz I'm gonna need a lot of luck tomorrow.

The Stupid Things I Do...

After all that thought and struggle, I wrote four lines......of nonsense.

And four hours later, I'm already regretting that I wrote what I wrote, and that I did what I did. What the heck was I thinking? How come I couldn't think of something better to write or do? That's not what I want to say.

As usual, I mailed it out without a return address. So I'll never know if it never gets to its destination or if it gets lost. But that's the only way to do it, because if it ever came back to me, that would be the beginning of another world war.

And as usual, I will sit here for the next week or so and worry. Will it get to the right place? Will it be read? And the one that freaks me out the most....What if there's some else there and that person reads it?

Regardless. It's done and over with. And I've made a fool of myself, yet again.

What do I want from this? And what am I expecting? I don't know. Of course, it would be nice to get some form of reply. But after all this time, I know not to expect anything. Perhaps it doesn't even matter anymore. All I really want is for that person to know that I still care, whether as a friend, or as whoever.

[..........................]

Empty

At some point in time, when I was lost for words, I wrote this...

Blank Page

The reply I got from some anonymous person was enough to make me cry.

It's been another 24 hours. And I still haven't written a single word in the card that I need to mail out tomorrow.

What to do?

Can you still read what's hidden in the blank pages?

30 Minutes

This afternoon I spent 30 minutes picking out a card. It was the hardest thing to do, because I couldn't find one that said just the right things. Friend is not enough. Someone special doesn't quite capture it. And romance is too much.

Right now, I just spent 30 minutes thinking about what to write in the card. And still haven't written anything. What can I, or should I, write that has enough depth and meaning to show that I care, but doesn't go too far?

The one and only time I was able to give X a card, she later told me she was disappointed. Because what I wrote didn't reflect the extent of our relationship. I felt really bad about it.

So......what am I supposed to write now?

It's stupid that I'm doing this. I know. Maybe she'll never get it. Maybe she'll never read it. Maybe she'll just throw it out. Maybe I'm causing more harm than anything. I'm not sure.

But I'll regret it if I don't.

The Battle Continues

For whatever reason, I was not in a good mood this morning, but was pretty relaxed during the exam.

Honestly, I did not know my stuff that well. The last few chapters about financial instruments and stock compensations were confusing and I didn't put much time into it. I tried to cram in more info this morning, but was unsuccessful because the people around me wouldn't shut up! Regardless, I still wasn't stressed during the exam. Hm....strange.

Wrote two cases in two hours, but paced it really badly. Spent over an hour on the first, and only 30 minutes on the second. They didn't seem that hard, but after the fact, I think I missed a lot of things. Sh*t.

The amusing part......The second case was based on stuff from our conference, which 90% of the people did not attend! I couldn't help laughing to myself when I read it. I bet Prof W put this topic in on purpose! Hopefully, my writeup was a bit better than others since I had a bit of an edge. *fingers crossed*

The down side......I'm pretty sure I messed up on a few things already. Totally forgot about an issue in the first case, and misread something in the second. FML.

Got home and started reading. But ended up falling asleep over my boring finance textbook.

4 down, 2 to go. But tonight, I really just want to hang around and do nothing. Don't want to study. I'm so sick of this.

Almost there...

Business vs Meds

Taking a break from the books, I clicked on an undergrad friend's pics. This person is now in a nursing program and there were lots of pics of him in scrubs and in the hospital.

Once again, that big question comes to mind again......

Am I in the right program? Do I really want to go into business/management and accounting?

It's been 6 months since I've started this program and I'm still not so sure.

What I do know......

Being in a business program now, I miss doing the med stuff. I miss learning all the medical stuff that fascinates me so much.

But if I were in the med stuff, I would never think about wanting to do business. I never considered business from the start. Why am I here now?

I can picture myself in a lab coat or scrubs in a medical research environment. But I can't picture myself in a suit in a board room.

F**k. That's gotta mean something.

But...the truth is......I wasn't good enough to get into med. *sigh*

(I really should get back into SJA. But I dread the politics that have been going on......)

"Photo" Magazine

Ever since I told my boss I was interested in photography, he's been telling me a lot about it and we've been having some very interesting conversations. (And I've suddenly picked up the additional job of managing his digital x-rays and photos...lol)

Today, he mentioned a photography magazine called "Photo" (not "American Photo"), telling me that it's a very famous magazine in Europe. He said that the latest issue reviews all the works by a really famous photographer who is now in his 80s.

The funny part was that he said that if you go to Chapters or Indigo to look for this magazine, you won't find it in the magazine section. And you might not find it in the photography section. And you might not even find it in the art section. Instead, you might find it in the erotica section!...because the magazine tends to place a bit of focus on nude and erotic photography. But, it is genuinely a photography magazine and not porn!

Regardless...he suggested I should take a look at this magazine!...LOL

Not sure if there's different versions for different countries or what....but I found the cover of the latest french edition:

Random Thoughts of the Day

Not in the mood to organize my thoughts into a decent entry right now. So, just random thoughts running through my head......

My audit case answer was a total mess.

My comm assignment got good comments, but got less than an A.

I've done nothing productive for the last 2 hours.

I don't want to study.

I want a nice hot cup of tea, but I'm drinking a banana kiwi smoothie.

There are a lot of annoying people in the house today.

I've paid for a lunch that I probably won't get to eat.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

Someone has promised to bring me cheese cake tonight. Yay!

Why do I need to deal with everyone else's crap?

There are a lot of people in my life that I don't understand.

Some people are so hard to grasp.

There are a million things in my life that I don't understand.

I wish I were drunk or something.

Getting sleepy.

I wish I could not care and just run away.

I think I've messed up something.

I need a new desktop/notebook/netbook.

I want a DSLR.

People are complaining about fb, but I can't see what's wrong.

I want to go away from home for a few days.

I miss being in my haven.

That's it for now.

Stop Thinking. Stop Feeling.

Every time I need to concentrate on my work, I tell myself to stop thinking and stop feeling. And people think it's weird.

But that's the truth. If I really want to focus, I need to stop thinking and stop feeling. As in stop thinking about the million other things that are on my mind but not related to the books. As in stop feeling and being emotional about the million of things that are happening to me and the people around me.

I guess 99% of the people around me can't understand that. Because I always appear to be that calm, focused person who knows everything and never shows emotions. But yes, I can be very emotional and irrational, and that part of me gets very 'distracting' at times. If I could really stop thinking and stop feeling, I'd probably get better grades.

So...it's time to stop thinking, and stop feeling...and hit the books.

Spinning...

It seems my mind is going crazy again. I'm thinking a million things and not getting anywhere. I've heard so many depressing stories from so many people lately that I'm not so sure about my original plans anymore. It's already the 7th. I need to make a plan. What to do? Should I really take a risk and try to get X to come out and see me?

To add to my "pressing" situation, the things that happened today have just messed with my mind and heart even more...

While writing the exam this morning, I looked out the window and it was snowing. *sigh* The first snow. There's something strangely depressing about it. And again, my mind was just flooded with thoughts. (There goes my MIS mark...) Then on the way home, there was also a bit of snow. Driving in the dark, the first thing that came to mind......"star wars".

MM was telling me how MS was teaching her to drive. It turns out that MS drives a manual car. And MM started telling me about trying to drive that manual car. And again, my mind is filled with memories again.

The "funniest" part of the day was even more strange. For whatever reason, S said that I seemed to be happier lately. And the way she said it, I knew she was implying thinks I'm seeing/dating someone. OMG. WTF??? =_=''

*SIGH*

Winter...

I miss having X drive me around and hearing her tell me to drive carefully and not to speed. I miss sitting around at her house, drinking that perfect cup of hot tea that she makes for me. I miss lying on her sofa, in her arms, watching the snow fall. I miss the long long hugs......

='(

F**k.

Playing With Fire

Over the past few months, I've been hooking up with people that I shouldn't be hooking up with. And now it's starting to get very real.

But...there's some very interesting people out there...lol.

One of these days...I'm gonna get myself in a lot of trouble...again.

How am I going to make this work???

This is getting dangerous...

--------------------------------------------

The road map for this week......

Things to finish......

(1) Finance Assignment 2

(2) Accounting 11

(3) Accounting 12

(4) IAP

(5) Workshop

With the extras......

(6) Exam #2

(7) Exam #3

Damn...all 60+ of us agreed to this schedule?! WTF were we thinking?!

Road Block

Can't think today.

My mind is stuck on other things.

Loving this version of this song right now.

But...somehow, it makes me feel sad. =(

Two for Two!

Today......the second big project of the term......audit competition.

So the audit package that we put together 2 weeks ago was marked and returned. We pulled through with an A-. Wasn't the highest, but good enough to put us in the top five.

Today was the presentation/Q&A session with the judges from the firms.

Overall, it was okay. We killed ourselves by mentioning a point that got picked on afterwards, but I think we managed. And as a team, I think we presented ourselves really well and gave the impression that we're a really strong team.

During lunch, the six of us were talking and we're like......"We really messed up that one question. Sh*t. Okay, as long as we're in top three, then that's good......but Team X seems really strong, are we gonna make this?!"

The results...

3rd Place: Team X......thought: omg, they've got the strongest presenters, and only 3rd??

2nd Place: Team Y......thought: awww....omg, we didn't make it into top three.

1st Place: US!

*shock* Totally unexpected!

First we won case comp last month, and now the audit comp too! Both of this term's major projects! Two for two! lol....I think the rest of the class hates us now!

A big shout out to my amazing team! We make the best team!

And a big shout out to a few people that listened to me complain about this presentation the last few days and nights! Thanks for all the support!

???

Hm......

What the heck is going on???

How Tempting...

A few people are planning to move out to North York for the work term, and asked me if I'm interested.

From a purely practical perspective, that would be good. It'll be closer to work, and a bunch of us are gonna be working in the Yonge/Finch area. Considering traffic in that area is pretty crazy during rush hour and I'll most likely have to pay for parking, that is a good option.

And of course, from a more personal perspective, that would give me a lot more freedom to go and do stuff (that I "shouldn't" be doing).

As much as I want to, I don't have the money to do so, nor do I have a valid reason to do so, considering the office is less than 30min away from home.

Damn.

Another Christmas

While driving a friend home today, she asked me what I wanted from Christmas. I was a little surprised, because I wasn't expecting any exchange of presents. I've never had the habit of getting presents for my classmates, except for a few closer friends. But most of the time, I'd rather not give presents for the sake of giving presents. If I take you as a friend, I'll get you stuff because I think it's right for you, not just because it's Christmas.

What do I want for Christmas? Nothing. That's the answer that I've been giving for I don't know how long. The material things that I want are too expensive for friends to be giving as presents. And what I want most...nobody can buy for me.

The mention of Christmas presents made me realize that there really isn't that much time until Christmas. And that brings me to my little dilemma again. *sigh* Should I still send X a Christmas card and/or gift?

2006 I did, because that was the least I could do for her, given the situation at the time. 2007 and 2008, after a long long struggle, somebody convinced me to do so again. Now...here I am again with this question again. On the surface, I just want to send a card to show that I still care, because regardless of what happens, I will still always consider her as a friend. But somewhere deep down, I am hoping that she'll be willing to talk to me again.

What should I do? I really want to send her something to let her know I still care. But maybe she doesn't want to receive anything from me? Maybe getting things from me will upset her? Maybe...she's already with someone else?

I know I'll regret it if I don't do something. But I also know I'll regret it after I send it out.

On top of this, my conversations with someone these few days has really gotten me thinking. Perhaps she is right. It's been 3 years. Maybe it's time for me to really talk things over with X, because knowing me, I will keep holding onto this until I get some answers. A part of me is a little scared to do this though. Not because that X may say things I don't want to hear, but because of 'safety' issues. New Year's Eve seems like an unsuspecting night, but considering our history, that's probably not a good choice?!

*sigh*......What do to???

Now...I've got all these things in my mind eating away at me again.

Maybe......I'm just being a f**ken idiot.

The Fake Peace

Today is M's birthday...and that has been making me feel uneasy the whole day.

First thing in the morning, I gave her a hug and kiss and wished her a happy birthday. As usual, I made a card, got a cake and we went out for dinner. Nothing really special, but that's the way we usually do it. And since K is not around, some things have been postponed until the weekend.

Seems normal enough. Nothing out of the ordinary. Perfectly peaceful.

What makes me uneasy......is the fact that I know it's all fake.

Yes. 99% of the time, everything seems to be perfectly fine. We get along, we chat and nobody can see that there's any problems. But the truth is that we both know that there are things deep down that still create a HUGE barrier.

Was she honestly happy to be receiving a card from me? Was she honestly happy when I wished her a happy birthday? Sadly, I don't think so. Because she will NEVER get over all the things that happened in the last few years. Yet, she pretends that everything is okay.

Every now and then, when we are out together, I will put my arm around her shoulder or put my arm around hers. It's a natural action, because I honestly care. Yet...since I don't know when, I've hesitated to do it. Because every time I do, the same thoughts flood into my head, I get scared, and I let go. What is she thinking when I try to show that I care? Maybe she doesn't even want me to care? Maybe I'm just angering her?

Happy birthday.
I mean it with all my heart.
Always have, and always will.

But she will never believe me.