Today is M's birthday...and that has been making me feel uneasy the whole day.
First thing in the morning, I gave her a hug and kiss and wished her a happy birthday. As usual, I made a card, got a cake and we went out for dinner. Nothing really special, but that's the way we usually do it. And since K is not around, some things have been postponed until the weekend.
Seems normal enough. Nothing out of the ordinary. Perfectly peaceful.
What makes me uneasy......is the fact that I know it's all fake.
Yes. 99% of the time, everything seems to be perfectly fine. We get along, we chat and nobody can see that there's any problems. But the truth is that we both know that there are things deep down that still create a HUGE barrier.
Was she honestly happy to be receiving a card from me? Was she honestly happy when I wished her a happy birthday? Sadly, I don't think so. Because she will NEVER get over all the things that happened in the last few years. Yet, she pretends that everything is okay.
Every now and then, when we are out together, I will put my arm around her shoulder or put my arm around hers. It's a natural action, because I honestly care. Yet...since I don't know when, I've hesitated to do it. Because every time I do, the same thoughts flood into my head, I get scared, and I let go. What is she thinking when I try to show that I care? Maybe she doesn't even want me to care? Maybe I'm just angering her?
Happy birthday.
I mean it with all my heart.
Always have, and always will.
But she will never believe me.
hum... interesting~
ReplyDeleteI think I had similar experience in the past as well. A friend of mind that I knew her in my first year. May be I am over care about others, so she thought I am having some sort of action?? In fact, when the time I did not come out to her, she still nothing. But when the time I came out to her and telling her that I like girls, she seems like to have a wall in between us.
After some period that we didn't contact each other, and sort of like a cool down, and my ex and I were together, she started to talk to me again.
Even now, I know clear that it seems nothing happen, but yet, there is the barrier.
so, nothing to be "uneasy". Just do whatever you can, and be yourself. How others think doesn't matter. :D .... cheers~~