2009 Roundup

Another year.  It's amazing how fast time goes by, even though the days seem to drag on forever sometimes.

So......2009......

I guess the biggest thing that happened this year was me going into this management/accounting program.  Is this what I really want.  Yes, because it's practical, and I'll get somewhere, and I'll make money.  No, because somewhere deep down I still want to do the med stuff, despite the fact that I don't know how I'd ever get there.  Regardless, the program has been good so far.  Unlike undergrad, they do treat you as a person, and not a number.  I've made some new friends, secured a work position, won two competitions with my team and managed to keep my A's.  So far so good.  (Although....I'm not too confident about this past term's marks, which I am still 'eagerly' awaiting.)

Another change this year would be that I've been going out more, despite my crazy schedules.  Why?  (1) I don't want to be at home sometimes.  (2) There are more people in my life that I'm actually interested in hanging out with.  (3) I've been trying to change the way my life 'works', so that I have more control of my own stuff.  To be honest, I've always been the type of person who can stay home, do nothing and talk to no one for days, so going out too much gets a little tiring sometimes.  But, I guess this is the better way to handle my life.  More friends to chill and talk to.  More away time to avoid conflict.  More freedom to make things work my way.

Some time in the year I started going to a certain forum and chatting with a certain circle of people.  Despite how 'dangerous' this can get (at least for me), I'm really glad that I did this, because now there are actually some people that I can talk to about X and all the related stuff, and that really does feel good.  Plus, along the way, I've met a few really interesting people.  The only 'problem' is that I need to be really careful with this.  This world really is too small, and things get around too easily.  (But of course, it's not quite small enough, so you'll never run into the people that you really want to see.....*sigh*)

On the other hand, there are so many things that I said I would do, but still haven't....

It was two years ago today that I bought my guitar.  I guess it was out of a need to cheer myself up, and the urge to do something for someone special.  But two years later, there has been zero progress.  I can vaguely play a bit of a few songs, and that's it.  Maybe it was wrong for this little lefty to buy a right-handed guitar?!

Back in the summer I actually made the effort to go and swim in the morning before classes.  But as the days got busy, I dropped it.  And I still can't swim decently.  The only progress is that I finally got myself a pair of prescription goggles so that I'm not blind in the water.  That's a start, I guess.

Last, but definitely not least, I still haven't met with X.  Back in the summer I promised myself I would do it, because I know I'll never get over this until I get some answers to all my questions.  Somewhere along the way, I had planned to do it tonight, because it's less suspicious.  But I later realized that Dec 31 was a bad choice, considering what happened before.  Somehow, I need to work up the courage to do this.

There were less arguments and less fights this year.  But, to me, it all seems meaningless because I know it's all fake.  The problems are still there.  Regardless of how good it looks on the surface, there are some things that probably will never be resolved.  Despite how invisible it all is, this, by far, is what bugs me most.

Was 2009 a good year?  I don't know.  It could have been better.  It could have been worse.  A lot of things have changed.  Whether they are good or bad changes, I have yet to find out.

It's time to stop writing, because I don't know what I'm writing anymore.  There's so much more on my mind, but some things can never be put into words.

Perhaps....what I'm really looking for.....is myself.

2010.....here we go....