Vancouver 2010

This is my 20th year living in Canada and there is definitely more Canadian pride out there tonight than ever before!

Sadly, I did not catch the game today.  I did follow the last 5 minutes online.  And it was absolutely shocking to see the score on the website go from 2-1 to 2-2 with 25 seconds left in the game.  I think every Canadian had a heart attack at that point.  But in the end, we proved that hockey is Canada's game!

This has surely been a great time for Canada.....
(1) Most golds won in any winter olympics
(2) Most golds won by hosting country
(3) First time in 30 years since hosting country won hockey
(4) Gold in women's hockey for the third consecutive time
(5) First time getting medals in women's bobsleigh
And there's probably more that I can't think of right now......

The closing ceremonies was okay.  The beginning with the mime/technician "fixing" the pillar and the lighting of the cauldron was pretty good.  But other than that, I didn't find anything too interesting.  (Although....seeing Alanis Morrissette perform kinda caught my attention.....for other reasons.......)

Proud to be Canadian!!!

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But setting that Canadian pride aside......

There are two things related to the (Winter) Olympics that bugs me......

(1)  Canada didn't let Brian McKeever compete.  The coach's reply was that they had responsibilities to the federal government and to their sponsors and so the team must perform and do well.  Fair enough.  That's reasonable.  BUT...the world would definitely look at the federal government and the sponsors in a whole new light if they DID let McKeever compete.  They might not make as much, but in this time and age, I would say that gaining the reputation is much more desirable.

(2)  I find it very unfair that the Paralympic Games, which are closely linked the Olympic games, are always held after all the hype and glamour of the Olympic games.  Specifically, they are held after the closing ceremonies of the Olympic games.  Since they go hand in hand, can't we have the respect to include the Paralympic Games and all those athletes in the official ceremonies and what not?!

This totally goes against the spirit of the Olympics!

Empty Tank

I am really tired of trying to fit together all these conflicting pieces of my life.

I am really tired of spending all my time and energy watching out for other people and then not even getting some respect in return.

I am really tired of caring.

I don't know how much longer I can do this.....

井底蛙看畫中花

(There's no official MV for this yet, but this is something somebody made from some movie.)

井底蛙看畫中花

作曲：林一峰
填詞：林一峰

靜靜地活著　無風不起浪
心那會受控
無驚喜　無失重
井底蛙的天空仍極清澈
晴 或雨亦恬靜　
每事不撲空

總喜歡看畫中花
沒香氣　卻沒刺
曾經伸過手　留得傷口
不甘心比傷心容易處理
平 靜裡學會做對的事

如果當初你知道這一切會結束
如果一早已知道最終也會落空
如果始終要放手
才下眉頭又上心頭
就 讓我不花心思　不想開始
不想追究　不想觸碰

井底蛙的心仍極清澈
平靜裡學會做對的夢

如果當初你知道這一切會結束
如 果一早已知道最終也會落空
如果始終要放手
才下眉頭又上心頭
就讓我不花心思　怎麼啟齒
不改初衷

如果得到了 一次再失去會更感觸
明知一天再不會記得每個面孔
回憶跟希冀之間　
那些脆弱大致相同
誰也不需啟齒　不需開始
不需知 覺　不需心痛

井底蛙看畫中花
越心愛更別碰

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If you knew it would end...
If you knew there would be nothing...
If you knew you had to let go...

But you did know.

Is it because we're afraid of losing?
Is it because we're afraid of pain?
So much so that we'd rather not take a risk?

Because I'm afraid of hurting you (again).
越心愛更別碰

222

Zoom Zoom Zoom.......

*sigh*

(Isn't it "funny" how I've managed to avoid the posters this year but two people came to me talking about this?)

The Week Ahead

This is quite amusing........

FROM JONATHAN CAINER:

 
'If you can't get what you want, try wanting what you can get.' That's a dangerous philosophy if applied too broadly. Too many people end up settling for second best just because it seems like the easiest option. It is, though, one thing to be lazy. It's another to do everything within your power and then discover that your goal is unattainable. If that's the case, then 'what you can get' should not be seen as a poor substitute; it's what's right for you, for now at least. Respect it and make the most of it. Whatever you may think you want more, you don't want anything more than you want a relaxed relationship with the universe! 

Week Ahead Part Two - Love Focus: You have spent long enough in a state of uncertainty. You have wrestled with far too many ifs and buts. You now need and deserve a little clarity and confirmation. You can get both this weekend, but not by forcing issues or asking questions. Indeed, it is possible that if you do receive fresh information it will create more doubt and confusion. Somehow, though, you will start to think differently about a matter that has had you baffled. You will be helped to understand what's really important to you, and why. You will also see what truly matters to someone else. If you relax and adjust to whatever you discover, you'll find your greatest current emotional need can be met, after all.  

FROM MSN ASTROLOGY: 

Your horoscope - Week of February 22, 2010
You're a mellow soul, Taurus, but you can be a very formidable opponent when your temper is aroused. Your Zodiac Sign is the Bull and the Bull charges when someone waves a red flag. On Wednesday you'll hear gossip about you that you find offensive. Remember that you have every right to live your life in the way you choose. Don't get riled over petty rumors or innuendo. On Sunday you'll feel very lucky as the Sun conjuncts Jupiter, the planet of blessings, in your sector of hopes and dreams. A cherished wish will finally come true.

BA

73 years to officially make BA a saint....

http://www.nationalpost.com/news/story.html?id=2589983

I wonder if BA will now/soon become St. A?!

(It must seem kind of weird that I'm posting this link here and not explaining why it matters to me.  But I'm sure it's not too hard to figure it out.)

20%

The invitation to my program's annual awards night came into my inbox today.  This evening event that will be held at some fancy hotel is by invitation only, on the basis that you win something.  It looks like I'm lined up for four so-called awards.

I guess I'm supposed to be excited?!  I'm happy I'll get to go, but I'm not as thrilled as I should be.

I'm (slightly) bitter and confused about the criteria for two of the awards.  It looks like I got one and not the other.  But that makes no sense to me when the criteria appear to be the same.  (Both say top 20%)  Do I really care that much?  Maybe.  I am very competitive in the sense that I work my ass off and want to come out on top, but I'm never consciously thinking that my goal is to do better than the people around me.


The idea of going to an awards night (and a certain conversation from yesterday) makes me think of high school.  Back then I actually tried hard and did well.  I was at the awards night every year and getting upwards of ten awards each time.  (Although some were kind of pointless)  A lot of teachers and students knew me because I was up there so many times.  These days I'm not outstanding anymore, and I don't even try very hard anymore.  What the heck am I doing?

When I opened the invitation e-mail and looked at the details, the line that caught my attention was that we're allowed to bring ONE guest.  Of course, it says "one" because they expect people to bring their other half.  And naturally, I started thinking about X again.  I've always wanted to prove to her that I really am as capable as I've claimed to be, because she was only around through the low times of my life.  Now here's my chance to let her see me 'shine'.  But.....who am I kidding?

November 2011.  That's my goal.  This time around, I really want to make it happen.

My Downhill Streak

When one thing goes wrong......everything goes wrong....

I can't find my change bag.  Either I dropped it in the restaurant yesterday or it's somewhere in the other car.  There is a good sum of money in there plus a few ttc tokens.  That's the second time within the last year that I've lost my change bag.

I f**ked up on something I did at work last week, to the point that the guy said I won't be doing any more of those things this year.  Fine, I made typos.  But you can't blame me for not doing something that I had absolutely no clue even existed.

Now I've been given a file which I have no clue how to do.  There's no missing info and no GL.  As far as I can see, the client has done a very bad job.  What in the world am I supposed to do with this?

For the whole night, I sat around wanting to see Patrick Chan skate, just because Canada seems to have high hopes in him for getting a medal.  Watched for like two hours before the commentators said he would be up in about 40 minutes.  And of course, I came back just in time to see the last five seconds of his performance.  FML.

Someone complained that I didn't pick up the phone (again).  Sorry.  Like I said, I'm not in a good mood today, and I don't want to lose my temper on you.  I hope you actually do believe me.

I think I just pissed off someone else that was trying to be nice to me.  I guess whatever I just said gave the wrong message.

*breathe*

What can I say?  It could be worse.

Suck it up and keep going.

That's how it always is.

If there was a way...

Watching things happen before my eyes....
And not able to do anything.


I feel stupid.  I feel like a failure.  After all this time, it seems I'm still stuck in the same position I was in before.

Maybe I haven't tried hard enough.  Maybe I haven't taken enough risks.  But, all this time, I've been trying, in my own little ways, to hopefully make things work.  I don't know where all this is going to take me.  But I hope I'm doing the right things.

What does it all mean?
What are you thinking?
Who am I to you?

If only you knew how much this is killing me......

='(

Insomnia

Really didn't sleep well last night.  I think I must have woke up a million times.  Some time in the night I had a dream, and after that I just couldn't sleep anymore.

It's very rare that I remember the details of my dreams, but last night I had a dream that I can remember very clearly and has gotten me a little unsettled.  Maybe it's because there's so many things going on this weekend (like CNY, V Day, Autoshow, Vancouver 2010, etc.) that all remind me of things from the past.

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I was with some friends somewhere.  The place seemed to be a church or something similar.  I was walking with someone and about to leave.  But close to the entrance/exit, there was a booth selling random things and I saw a familiar face.

It was X.  She was still the same.  T-shirt, jeans, sneakers and an unzipped winter coat.  The only thing that was different was that she wore a hat.

I was still walking towards the doors, and getting closer and closer to her.  I didn't know what to do.  Should I walk by and pretend I didn't know her?  Should I go and say hi?  The heaviness inside was killing me.

X looked up and our eyes met.  I got even more nervous.  I just kept walking because I couldn't decide what to do with myself, despite the fact that I really wanted to talk to her.

But as I walked by, she grabbed me by the arm and stopped me.  I looked at her and, somehow, it was like a message was exchanged between us.

She let go and I walked off.  But I was happy and perfectly satisfied because in that brief moment, there was a mutual understanding.  All the questions that had been in my head for years were answered.

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I really don't know why all these details were in the dream, but it kind of freaks me out because all the details are so 'real'.  The situation, the setting and the people.  They all just fit in so well with what really could happen in my life.

I always wonder what would happen if I saw X on the streets one day.  Somewhere along the line, I promised myself that I would pull her aside and say everything I want to say.  There are just too many things I regret having hesitated about.  Whether these actions are actually appropriate in real life is another issue altogether.

As insane as it sounds, when she touched me in the dream, it was almost like I could actually feel someone touching me.  It was so real that it woke me up.

After all this time, why did I have this dream now?  What does it all mean?  This is going to bug me for a long time.

Perhaps I'm just being overly sensitive to all the things happening this weekend.

(Ironically, three people messaged me today wishing me a happy valentine's day.)

MD vs CA

(Most of this was actually written like two weeks ago.  But I guess I wasn't sure if I really wanted to say so much here.  But I guess I've changed my mind.)

Today, some asked me about my necklace again.  Every now and then I get someone asking me why I always wear a necklace with a "T" on it. And then I have to explain and convince them that it's not a "T" but actually a cross. I admit that it's not that obvious, but it really is a cross. In fact, it's made of olive wood from Bethlehem and was blessed by a priest.

Of course, this cross has a certain significance to me.  But the person that asked today actually saw that there was something else on my necklace.  What's also hanging there, and is equally important to me as the cross, is the caduceus - a symbol that (erroneously?!) represents medicine.

This caduceus was a gift from someone.  I barely knew this person at the time, but on one of our first few encounters in person, she wrote me a card and this caduceus was inside.  I had talked to this person about how I wanted to go into medicine, and this was her encouragement to me.   This caduceus was something she had originally bought for herself, because she, too, had the same goal.  But she told me that she was so confident in me that she wanted to give it to me.

That night, I told this person how much her encouragement meant to me, and promised that I would not let her down.

Years later.....here I am.....almost a month into my work placement at an accounting firm, and not even considering that path anymore.

And that brings me back to the big question........science vs business.

This is the first time that I've been in a non-science, non-health-related environment and I think I can now understand what I feel about it.  Accounting is (mostly) dealing with the numbers, and it's all relatively structured and logical.  Something like that comes naturally to me, and doesn't require too much effort on my part.  That's probably why I've been able to be in class 9-4pm M-F and work all day Saturdays and still maintain my grades.  For the most part, I can wing a lot of this stuff and still do pretty good.  I like the challenge of figuring out how all the numbers and data fit together, but it's not quite what I consider interesting and intriguing.

All my life, I have steered myself towards the sciences, and especially the health-related.  This is what fascinates me, and this is where I have always pictured myself.  Having gone through four years of undergrad science and a number of research projects, I can honestly say that despite the extra effort it takes to learn and understand science, I still think it's more interesting than accounting numbers.  On top of that, I guess being in science, health and research gives me a sense of purpose.  I can clearly see why I want to be involved in these things, whereas I'm not so sure what purpose accounting serves.

A while ago I had the chance to visit a hospital again.  Although being in that environment brings back a lot of memories that can get me down sometimes, I realize that I do miss being in those halls.  There's so much going on, so many fascinating people and so much to learn.

So why the hell am I in accounting?

Because a part of me is still afraid to be in that hospital environment.  Because I went down the medicine path, spent a lot of money, and failed.  And at this point in time, I don't think I could do any better even if I tried again.

Because somewhere along the way, I realized that having a great career that I really love is not necessarily the most important thing to me.  If anything, I just want more control of my life right now.  And accounting is (relatively) stable and well-paid enough to give me that.

Today I received a confirmation from the ICAO that they've received my application.  Another step down this accounting path.  If all goes as planned, by the end of next year I'll have another degree and a professional designation.

But is this what I really want to do?

These past few days I keep looking at that caduceus that hangs around my neck.  On top of that, I clicked around on the school website and read about the updates on the new med school they'll be opening next year.  Somewhere deep down, I feel guilty.  In a sense, I've betrayed myself.  In a sense, I broke a promise that I made to someone very important to me.  She genuinely believed in me, but I've let her down (yet again).  I've destroyed the meaning behind the caduceus.

I'm sorry...

The Choice

Needing a breather yesterday I strolled into the bookstore during my lunch.  I didn't pick up anything, but came across a question in one of the books that made me think.

The book was "The Choice" by Nicholas Sparks.  Apparently, the book is about how two neighbours that couldn't get along eventually fall for each other and get married.

The synopsis really didn't appeal to me.  But at the end was a question.....

"How far would you go to keep the hope of love alive?"

How far would you go for the person you love?  How much are you willing to sacrifice?  Where do you draw the line if you must choose between love and something else?  What if all you have is hope?  Is the possibility of love enough?  What if it's entirely possible that you'll be left with nothing in the end?

In the end, it's all about how much you're willing to risk.

I've taken risks.  I've made sacrifices.  I've messed up a lot of things.

But I still hope.

Feb 1

It's been a full three years, and here I am still ripping myself apart.  A million other people have come in and out of my life now, but I still cannot forget her.

I can still remember so clearly what it felt like to read those three lines on her blog.  That was all she 'said'.  And I could never get in touch with her again.

I feel like an idiot.  I know I should stop caring.  But the truth is, I really do still care.  I don't know how not to when there are so many loose ends and unanswered questions.


Call me naive. Call me stupid.  But to this day, I still believe that it could have been (or could be) a lot more.


There are things I want to do, but now is not the right time.  It's all useless if I can't make things better for her.

But what is she doing now?  What does she think of me?  And...is there someone else by her side?


There was nothing to do at work today.  Naturally, on a day like this, my mind ran all over the place.  To add to my emotional disaster, I took M to her appointment at a hospital today.  The sight of the hospital and the ambulances was more than I can handle.

Can I call 911?  Will my medic come and see me?

*sigh*

Last night I haphazardly clicked on a bookmark that I hadn't visited in a long time.  Surprisingly, that page that appeared to be untouched for the last two years had been updated.  A lot of old things had been removed, and quite a few new things had been added.  I wonder what it all means.  C.S. Lewis?!  Amy Grant?!  What is she thinking?  What is she feeling?

='(