20%

The invitation to my program's annual awards night came into my inbox today.  This evening event that will be held at some fancy hotel is by invitation only, on the basis that you win something.  It looks like I'm lined up for four so-called awards.

I guess I'm supposed to be excited?!  I'm happy I'll get to go, but I'm not as thrilled as I should be.

I'm (slightly) bitter and confused about the criteria for two of the awards.  It looks like I got one and not the other.  But that makes no sense to me when the criteria appear to be the same.  (Both say top 20%)  Do I really care that much?  Maybe.  I am very competitive in the sense that I work my ass off and want to come out on top, but I'm never consciously thinking that my goal is to do better than the people around me.


The idea of going to an awards night (and a certain conversation from yesterday) makes me think of high school.  Back then I actually tried hard and did well.  I was at the awards night every year and getting upwards of ten awards each time.  (Although some were kind of pointless)  A lot of teachers and students knew me because I was up there so many times.  These days I'm not outstanding anymore, and I don't even try very hard anymore.  What the heck am I doing?

When I opened the invitation e-mail and looked at the details, the line that caught my attention was that we're allowed to bring ONE guest.  Of course, it says "one" because they expect people to bring their other half.  And naturally, I started thinking about X again.  I've always wanted to prove to her that I really am as capable as I've claimed to be, because she was only around through the low times of my life.  Now here's my chance to let her see me 'shine'.  But.....who am I kidding?

November 2011.  That's my goal.  This time around, I really want to make it happen.