Today, some asked me about my necklace again. Every now and then I get someone asking me why I always wear a necklace with a "T" on it. And then I have to explain and convince them that it's not a "T" but actually a cross. I admit that it's not that obvious, but it really is a cross. In fact, it's made of olive wood from Bethlehem and was blessed by a priest.
Of course, this cross has a certain significance to me. But the person that asked today actually saw that there was something else on my necklace. What's also hanging there, and is equally important to me as the cross, is the caduceus - a symbol that (erroneously?!) represents medicine.
This caduceus was a gift from someone. I barely knew this person at the time, but on one of our first few encounters in person, she wrote me a card and this caduceus was inside. I had talked to this person about how I wanted to go into medicine, and this was her encouragement to me. This caduceus was something she had originally bought for herself, because she, too, had the same goal. But she told me that she was so confident in me that she wanted to give it to me.
That night, I told this person how much her encouragement meant to me, and promised that I would not let her down.
Years later.....here I am.....almost a month into my work placement at an accounting firm, and not even considering that path anymore.
And that brings me back to the big question........science vs business.
This is the first time that I've been in a non-science, non-health-related environment and I think I can now understand what I feel about it. Accounting is (mostly) dealing with the numbers, and it's all relatively structured and logical. Something like that comes naturally to me, and doesn't require too much effort on my part. That's probably why I've been able to be in class 9-4pm M-F and work all day Saturdays and still maintain my grades. For the most part, I can wing a lot of this stuff and still do pretty good. I like the challenge of figuring out how all the numbers and data fit together, but it's not quite what I consider interesting and intriguing.
All my life, I have steered myself towards the sciences, and especially the health-related. This is what fascinates me, and this is where I have always pictured myself. Having gone through four years of undergrad science and a number of research projects, I can honestly say that despite the extra effort it takes to learn and understand science, I still think it's more interesting than accounting numbers. On top of that, I guess being in science, health and research gives me a sense of purpose. I can clearly see why I want to be involved in these things, whereas I'm not so sure what purpose accounting serves.
A while ago I had the chance to visit a hospital again. Although being in that environment brings back a lot of memories that can get me down sometimes, I realize that I do miss being in those halls. There's so much going on, so many fascinating people and so much to learn.
So why the hell am I in accounting?
Because a part of me is still afraid to be in that hospital environment. Because I went down the medicine path, spent a lot of money, and failed. And at this point in time, I don't think I could do any better even if I tried again.
Because somewhere along the way, I realized that having a great career that I really love is not necessarily the most important thing to me. If anything, I just want more control of my life right now. And accounting is (relatively) stable and well-paid enough to give me that.
Today I received a confirmation from the ICAO that they've received my application. Another step down this accounting path. If all goes as planned, by the end of next year I'll have another degree and a professional designation.
But is this what I really want to do?
These past few days I keep looking at that caduceus that hangs around my neck. On top of that, I clicked around on the school website and read about the updates on the new med school they'll be opening next year. Somewhere deep down, I feel guilty. In a sense, I've betrayed myself. In a sense, I broke a promise that I made to someone very important to me. She genuinely believed in me, but I've let her down (yet again). I've destroyed the meaning behind the caduceus.
I'm sorry...
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