4/7 Done

Term #4 is now officially done.  I am more than half done my masters.  Only two more school terms and one work term left, and I'll get to add another four letters after my name.

This term was the third school term in the program.  And, unfortunately, most likely my worst.  I know I won't fail anything, but I think I might have lost my place in the top 10% of the class.

Did I slack off this term?  I don't think so.  Whatever I was doing before to get me on top before I continued to do.  But for whatever reason, it didn't seem to work.  Did I do something wrong?  I don't know.  As N said, we're all in it just to survive.

Regardless.  The term is done and over with.  I'm free until mid-September.

Well...not entirely.

While at the pub today, one person brought up the fact that the we'll be writing the CKE in five months.  Plenty of time?!  Nope.  Life will be hectic again from September to December with the loads of assignments and exams (especially tax!).  Exams won't be done until at least mid-December.  CKE is likely the first week of January.  Meaning....the only time to study.....is now.

FML

Life......

Nothing at All

Ever since that last Calvin and Hobbes comic caught my attention, I started subscribing to the RSS feed. Today's comic has the similar feeling...

Maybe this has no meaning at all to anyone else. But to me, doing nothing with the right person is actually doing a lot.

The Other Side

A lot of emails came through today about recruitment events. Luckily for me, I can completely disregard all of them, because my job has already been secured! =)

It's a great feeling.

I don't think I was ever overly excited about having secured my co-op placement for next year. But while I was at career day last week, that really sunk in.

I was on the other side.

I no longer had to work up the immense courage and guts to go up to the recruiters and make an impression.

I was behind the table. I was part of the recruitment team. People were coming to me.

What a difference from last year.

Putting aside all the other personal uncertainties about my potential job, workplace and career path, it really is nice to have some security and direction. I know that sounds contradicting, but having something that isn't perfect is still better than having nothing.

Am I settling for second best? Perhaps. But sometimes, maybe you need to take a detour and make some sacrifices to get to where you want to go.

501

Just realized that this is post #501 in this blog.
500 posts in three years.

The old blog has 200+ posts and also spanned about three years.

So from 2004 until now, in a time of six years, I've written over 700 blog postings about random things, stupid things, pointless things, important things, emotional things, etc.

Frankly, I don't like this blog.  It's a mess.  Half the time (like now) I'm just through down whatever comes to mind.  Totally random.  Totally pointless sometimes.

The old one was much more thought out and (to me) much more meaningful.  But there is/was a specific purpose tied to that blog.  Unless it's for that purpose, I refuse to write there.

(Although...I guess the original purpose of this blog was the same thing...except in a different context.)

I have no idea why I started blogging way back then.  But I guess it has really become a way for me to think out loud and to vent and what not.  (And waste time when I don't want to do my real work?!)  There's so many things in life that I want to remember or think about.  This is the place to do it.

And once again, I've managed to write another useless post....

...Instead of writing my 8-page paper that is due on Friday (i.e. the same day as my last final exam).

T-4

Another disastrous day in my life......

The exam was tough and tricky.

Spent 8 hours working on a presentation.

Practice runs of the presentation ended with Ms M storming out in tears. -_-''  Because she was so upset that Mr S (aka her bf) was telling her how to present her part.  Being the only other girl in the group, I was the lucky one that had to go work things out.

Lesson Learned:  Don't let couples work together in the same group.  Or don't be a part of those groups.

It's almost 12am.  I still haven't completely figured out what I'm going to say tomorrow.  And my plan to finish half of the paper I need to write for Friday has obviously failed.

And I'm super sleepy already.

Four more days:  1 exam, 1 presentation, 1 paper.

Almost there...

Pre-OB

Tomorrow is exam #6 (of 8).

Spent the whole day reading through all the chapters, but it seems like I haven't retained anything useful.

And it's almost 11pm.

While reading through the textbook, I could fully appreciate why I was not (and never will be) an arts major.  Memorizing lists of stuff with little logical correlation is really not for me.

I can't wait to get rid of this textbook.

Sky - All I Want

Saw this on a friend's fb yesterday. One of my favourite bands from the 90s. A Montreal duo.  I guess they were never super popular, but I love their music.  Too bad they split up.



All I want
All I ask of you
All I need
Is for you to be holding me forever
You're my superstar
And this love I will defend
Till the day that we're together
I'll be missing you.

Could the message be any more direct?

A few years ago I put this song (and others) on a CD and sent it to someone.  I guess in the midst of my anxiety that seemed like a good thing to do.  I'm not so sure now.

But.  No regrets.

At least I tried.

Perhaps...not hard enough.

*sigh*

Teamwork

The other day in OB class we talked about the qualities and abilities that our program tries to promote and instill in us. Among other things, one that came up was teamwork.

Teamwork. Obviously important in all situations. At school. At work. In life. It's pretty rare these days that you're not working on things with other people. Especially when collaboration is such big thing in this high tech world.

So how have we built teamwork in the program?

Formally, the program gives us a lot of opportunities to work in groups/teams. Most assignments are done in groups. And of course, the big things are the case comps and audit contest, and the tax planning project that's coming up next term. These are quite "interesting" because there's a lot at stake and you don't get to choose your groups. So, you really are forced to develop a certain amount of teamwork skills.

Effective? To some extent I guess.

But I think we all agreed that our teamwork comes from the informal circumstances.

Because of the intensity of this program, there is a need to...simply...survive. When having two exams and two assignments/projects due each week is the norm, you really need to find ways to get through. (As Mr. B said to me the other day, "Oh yea. I have two exams and a few projects next week. But that's nothing new.")

As a result, in many ways, we've all banded together to help each other through. A few minutes ago, I helped a few people with a past operations exam question they couldn't figure out. A few hours ago, I received, in my email, social psych textbook notes that other people made. Despite the competition to stand out and come out on top, we still help each other our.

When you all need to survive, teamwork just happens naturally.

Thanks to all the people that have helped me through this awful term.

3:06am

I don't want to study.
I don't want to write my papers.
I don't want to go to work.

I don't want to talk.
I don't want to think.
I don't want to feel.

I wish to be left alone.
I wish to have silence.
I wish to be numb.

Is that too much to ask for?

7/16

Just read my emails from today and the one from the class president read...

"...we are no longer affiliated with the Rotman School of Management..."

The value of my education has just dropped significantly because of this sentence.

99+

Flipped through the local newspaper earlier today and came across an article about the area's top high school grads. Apparently, some Chinese girl from BA is graduating with a six-course average of 99.83%.

Surprising? No.

I'm not crazy. A 99%+ average is entirely possible at BA. If I graduated from BA a few years later, I probably could have done the same.

How so?

All you have to do is get 100% in all three math courses and around 95% in another three PACE courses. Then, because they're adding bonuses to PACE course grades, overall you'll be able to get that 99%+.

Essentially, BA's grades and rankings are always inflated because (1) they've got at least 20 to 30 PACE people pulling up the average and (2) they're adding bonuses for the PACErs.

Unfortunately for me, they didn't have this bonus policy back when I was at BA. -_-''

Is it fair? Depends on your perspective I guess.

For me, a former PACEr, it is. PACE courses are, essentially, substantially more advanced. But when it comes to university applications, there is no recognition of this. So, essentially, you take a tougher course and get a lower grade for nothing. And so, in recent years, they introduced the bonus system.

For outsiders who don't know the system, it's absolutely crazy. The school's grades and rankings are not a true representation of the quality of the school at all. The good grades are only because they've got PACErs holding it up.

(Side note: Surprisingly, it seems that St R has never been able to surpass BA even though they have the IB program.)

Anyway...

How did I get into these thoughts? I guess seeing that article made me feel a little ashamed of myself. I looked at that and thought: that was me six years ago, with the stellar average, winning the most prestigious award at graduation. And then I think about how poorly I've been doing this term.

But. In recent years, a part of me has stopped playing this game. I don't want to compete. I don't care if I don't come out on top. The reality is that there are a million people out there that are smarter than me. But most importantly, I realized that there are other things in life that are much more important to me.

*sigh*

What have I done?

7/14

The three day death marathon is finally over...
Law exam done.
OB case done.
Operations case done.

Temporarily off the hook until next Monday's exam.

So the count...
4 of 8 exams remaining.
1 more major assignment.
1 more presentation.
16 days.

Taking it easy tonight.
The last few days have just been hell.

But...

Once things slow done
the mind starts to wander...

Who am I?
Where am I?
Where am I going?

7/12

Mind is too cluttered to write properly. Random thoughts...

I didn't get my coffee break today. Planned to spend the afternoon working on my papers at a coffee shop or something. Didn't happen, because I was stuck on this f**ken case with M. Five hours and no progress. !@#$%

It seems I've somehow set my foot into another 'gang' recently. Strangely, it's the smokers' gang. I guess because I've been working with quite a few of them recently. We chat more now. And it seems there's a certain amount of trust now. I guess that's a good thing.

So much gossip goes around in this program. I guess because it's so small. I hear so many things about so many people every day. I wonder what people are saying about me...

Why is it that people are always interested in people who are not interested in them? Somehow, it always ends up that A likes B, but B likes C. And in the end, all three end up with nothing.

I miss playing my instruments. Both the piano and guitar are collecting dust. And lots of it.

This case is driving me nuts. Can't get the numbers to work. Haven't organized my thoughts well enough to start writing. How am I going to put this whole paper together tomorrow?!?! !@#$%%

The countdown continues, but the list is getting smaller. What started out as 8 exams, 4 assignments and 1 presentation has now shrunk to 4 exams, 2 assignments and 1 presentation. 18 days to go.

Physically exhausted.
Mentally stuck.
Emotionally numb.

Five Minute Ride

Getting side tracked by my own thoughts......

After working on OM with M, I and S on Friday, I went for dinner with M and her bf. Seeing as it seemed rather stupid for three people to drive three cars, we car pooled.

Observations...

I think I know more about this couple and see them together more than anyone else.

I really could not stand the smoke smell in that car. Suffocating. I really should have realized this before getting in, considering all the people who use this car for carpooling on a daily basis are smokers.

I watched the bf drive his manual car and thoughts of Hippo (and everything related) came to mind.

I wish I could drive a manual. Because...never mind...just because.

I wonder if the bf still thinks I hate him...

Hm...

I miss Hippo.

詩與胡說 Live Version (From July 9, 2010)

詩與胡說live version - Broadcast your self LIVE

Awesome!!! What more can I say?!

Two-Face

Saw these two videos (below) somewhere. Thought it was kind of interesting.

The most thought provoking was in the second video...
"每個人在世界上 都只用自己的某一面示人"

Some people would consider this as being fake. But I think this is just a necessity of life.

I remember a while ago someone said to me that they don't want to show their weak side to someone. Perhaps that is typical Taurus mentality. 永遠都要扮無嘢。死撐。 And all the while, the reality is that it's killing you inside.

I know that all too well. And I continue to do it all the time.

But it's perfectly understandable. Don't we always want to show our best side to others? Of course, there are some people that you don't mind appearing stupid to. But, generally, that's reserved for a select few.

Which side of me do I show the world?

Who am I deep down?

Perhaps...only one person knows.

Another step forward...

Strategy exam this morning was weird.  Surprisingly, it was about a case we discussed in class.  Ironically, it was the one case that I didn't read. -_-''  The questions were really broad and open-ended.  I really didn't feel too confident answer them.  What I hated most was how in every question Mr. Prof put that that you need to "show that you fully understand......."  WTF?!  I'm answering the f**ken question.  Is that not enough to show that I understand?!?!?!

Another one done.

Remaining....

5 exams.
3 assignments.
1 presentation.

20 days.

Feels Like Home

Through the forums and links, a while ago I came across the wedding blog of two girls. This song was posted there today because it will be the ceremony song.

Of all songs, it was this one......

I miss my home.

='(

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chantal Kreviazuk - Feels Like Home

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

如果這就是愛情

Liking this song. No idea who the singer is, but she kinda has the type of voice that I like.

張靚穎 - 如果這就是愛情

作詞：阿弟仔
作曲：阿弟仔

你做了選擇 對的錯的
我只能承認 心是痛的
懷疑你捨得 我被傷的那麼深
就放聲哭了 何必再強忍
我沒有選擇 我不再完整
原來最後的吻 如此冰冷
你只能默認 我要被割捨
眼看著 你走了

如果這不是結局 如果我還愛你
如果我願相信 你就是唯一
如果你聽到這裡 如果你依然放棄
那這就是愛情 你難以抗拒
如果這就是愛情 本來就不公平
你不需要講理 我可以離去
如果我成全了你 如果我能祝福你
那不是我看清 是我證明 我愛你

灰色的天空 無法猜透
多餘的眼淚 無法挽留
什麼都牽動 感覺真的好脆弱
被呵護的人 原來不是我
我不要你走 我不想放手
卻又不能夠奢求 同情的溫柔
你可以自由 我願意承受
把昨天 留給我

如果這不是結局 如果我還愛你
如果我願相信 你就是唯一
如果你聽到這裡 如果你依然放棄
那這就是愛情 我難以抗拒
如果這就是愛情 本來就不公平
你不需要講理 我可以離去
如果我成全了你 如果我能祝福你
那不是我看清 是我證明 我愛你

如果這就是愛情 本來就不公平
你不需要講理 我可以離去
如果我成全了你 如果我能祝福你
那不是我看清 是我證明 我愛你

Continuing on.....

3:04am

Two things done.

6 exams.

3 assignments.

1 presentation.

Now for some 3.5 hours of sleep.

-_-''

Thank You, Stranger

Thank you to the stranger that sent over some words of encouragement last night.  It was nice to see that someone I spoke to only once remembered what I said.  She didn't get it completely right, but she noticed that I was probably stressing out and took the time and effort to say a few words.  Thank you.

Why am I writing this to some stranger that'll never read this?  Because that random act of kindness means a lot to me.

Because it was a random act of kindness that changed my life.

Fake Options

I really hate it when people ask you if you want A or B, you choose A, and then they constantly push you to choose B.  What is the point of giving me a choice when you're going to force an option onto me?!?!?!

To make it worse.....

They then proceed to lash out at you for having chosen A, because they think that B is better.

I chose A.  I want A.  A is best for me.

What part of that don't you understand?!?!?!

*sigh*

Kill me.

Empty Tank

Physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.
And it's only Monday.
And it's only the beginning.

7 exams.
4 assignments.
1 presentation.

And a million things running through my head.

Almost there.

*sigh*

Too Close...

Despite the horrible traffic, the drive to and from campus is usually a bit of down time for me. For one thing, I get some time alone. It's also the perfect time to listen to stuff I don't want to have playing at home.

So today, I listened to another episode of RTHK's We Are Family while driving home...

2010-06-05 社運B

The guest talked about her experiences growing up, interactions with religious organizations and family issues.  Listening to this really hit me because a lot of those things sounded so familiar to me.

I guess the growing up part doesn't really apply.  I always preferred playing with the boys as a kid, but I never really thought much of it and never saw it as an "issue".  It really didn't mean anything to me.  But looking back at certain things in my life, perhaps this part of me was always there.

I've never been a religious person.  Other than the fact that I've always gone to Catholic schools, it really never had much meaning to me.  Until I met X.  You could almost say religion is part of the reason we ever met.  In a way, she changed my view of religion.  In a way, she was the one that made myself question whether or not I truly believe.  In a way, because of her, I believe that He's up there.

And precisely because of faith, a lot more questions went through my mind when things turned bad.  That is exactly what the girl in the interview mentioned.  What does religion promote?  What does love mean in this religious sense?  If God loves everyone, then why did all this crap happen?  If love is what we're called to do, then why I am being condemned for loving someone?

But none of these things from the interview hit me as hard as girl's story of being found out by her mother.  What a familiar story.  The arguments.  The accusations.  The insults.  The pain.  Listening to the interview brought a million memories into my mind.  Memories of things I never want to go through again.

It's one thing to deal with people in society that are homophobic.  In a sense, they don't matter.  But it's totally something else to realize that the most nasty and hurtful things can come from your own family.  I've been through the arguments and fights and violence.  I've heard all the hateful and hurtful things.  I've been on the verge of being kicked out.  And I'll never forget it.

The girl that was interviewed moved out on her own.  Initially, she had to stay in a homeless shelter, until she found a place to live.  I really wanted to know what happened with the girl and the mother and how their relationships is now.  Unfortunately, they didn't talk about that.

*sigh*

Is that what I should have done four years ago?  Just run away?  Would things be better if I had had the courage to walk out of the house?  Would it have "forced" everyone to some common ground?

In the end, this whole situation is not over yet.  And never will be.  Everything seems good and well simply because everyone is avoiding the problem.  But it'll always be there.

It will happen again.

It's only a matter of time.

What am I hiding?

Horoscope for today from tarot.com.....

"You don't have as much to hide as you believe, for your story will probably come out into the open sooner than you realize. If you attempt to mislead anyone on purpose, even if only by a lie of omission, an otherwise lovely moment could turn sour pretty quickly. Keep in mind that secrets can get in the way of a special connection with a friend."

How interesting...

How disturbing!

Pride 2010

Was watching the live broadcast of the Pride parade earlier. Seems like a lot of excitement and fun. But I'm stuck here working on strategic management, business law, organizational behaviour and financial management, because the workload for the rest of the month seems to be quite daunting.

Pride 2010. The 30th year that it's been happening. I guess I have a lot of mixed feelings about Pride. On the one hand, it's amazing how over a million people can gather in the streets of Toronto to recognize and celebrate diversity. What strikes me the most is straight people bringing their kids out to enjoy the event. But on the other hand, some of the things that go on I really do not understand. Like...what do topless people and nudity have to do with anything?

I remember back in 2007 or 2008 I was downtown on the day of the parade. I was heading off to the lab to do work. But there were lots of people out and about in their rainbow coloured clothing and accessories, all hyped up for the event. Pretty cool.

A lot of thoughts ran through my head as I watched the parade on tv. A lot of things seem to be mind boggling. A lot of questions came to mind. It's so ironic that I've wrecked havoc in my life because of who I loved when I live in this city where a million people celebrate Pride every year.

"If only the air we breathe is free..."

*sigh*

While watching the broadcast on tv, I was reminded of this picture (below). That was what I saw walking into one of the case rooms on campus a few months ago. (I'm probably posting this for the second time?!) I'm pretty sure I know who wrote it. It's intended meaning has nothing to do with Pride. But I laughed when I read it.

Can't find the words........

Feeling so much, but no words are adequate.

If only someone could understand the blank pages like before......

My Insignificant Problems

It's been a while that I've seen M or chat with her.

The update...

She's broken up with S.
She's now with A.
She got sick.
She got her driver's license.
She got a car.
She's only working part-time.
She's going back to school soon.

Wow. What a change since the last time I saw her.

It seems that every time I see M, things have changed drastically for her. She's always had it rough, and it just never seems to get much better. Good thing M's pretty optimistic about everything. And good thing she has a tough attitude. I'm not so sure a different person could survive in her position.

Having said that, both me and R were telling her that she really needs to take better care of herself. It's one thing to work hard and survive, but she really needs to be more careful about her own health.

Every time I chat with M, a part of me realizes how much she's been through. Perhaps what I've gone through in the past few years is insignificant compared to her. She's lived in a million places. She hast to work. She couldn't continue school. And me? I guess it was all nothing.

But then...is it comparable? I don't know. I guess we all have our own problems to solve.

Take care of yourself, M!

Summer Days...

It's somewhere in that nothingness and silence that you really learn to appreciate and enjoy the company of the other person.

It's not about what you do together.
It's not about what you have to say to each other.
It's not about listening to each other.

It's about sharing the same time and space.
It's about being there for each other.
It's about a silent connection.

It's about truly feeling the presence of the other person.

And it's the most peaceful and calming feeling in the world.

What I would give to find that feeling again...

[..................]