Too Close...

Despite the horrible traffic, the drive to and from campus is usually a bit of down time for me. For one thing, I get some time alone. It's also the perfect time to listen to stuff I don't want to have playing at home.

So today, I listened to another episode of RTHK's We Are Family while driving home...

2010-06-05 社運B

The guest talked about her experiences growing up, interactions with religious organizations and family issues.  Listening to this really hit me because a lot of those things sounded so familiar to me.

I guess the growing up part doesn't really apply.  I always preferred playing with the boys as a kid, but I never really thought much of it and never saw it as an "issue".  It really didn't mean anything to me.  But looking back at certain things in my life, perhaps this part of me was always there.

I've never been a religious person.  Other than the fact that I've always gone to Catholic schools, it really never had much meaning to me.  Until I met X.  You could almost say religion is part of the reason we ever met.  In a way, she changed my view of religion.  In a way, she was the one that made myself question whether or not I truly believe.  In a way, because of her, I believe that He's up there.

And precisely because of faith, a lot more questions went through my mind when things turned bad.  That is exactly what the girl in the interview mentioned.  What does religion promote?  What does love mean in this religious sense?  If God loves everyone, then why did all this crap happen?  If love is what we're called to do, then why I am being condemned for loving someone?

But none of these things from the interview hit me as hard as girl's story of being found out by her mother.  What a familiar story.  The arguments.  The accusations.  The insults.  The pain.  Listening to the interview brought a million memories into my mind.  Memories of things I never want to go through again.

It's one thing to deal with people in society that are homophobic.  In a sense, they don't matter.  But it's totally something else to realize that the most nasty and hurtful things can come from your own family.  I've been through the arguments and fights and violence.  I've heard all the hateful and hurtful things.  I've been on the verge of being kicked out.  And I'll never forget it.

The girl that was interviewed moved out on her own.  Initially, she had to stay in a homeless shelter, until she found a place to live.  I really wanted to know what happened with the girl and the mother and how their relationships is now.  Unfortunately, they didn't talk about that.

*sigh*

Is that what I should have done four years ago?  Just run away?  Would things be better if I had had the courage to walk out of the house?  Would it have "forced" everyone to some common ground?

In the end, this whole situation is not over yet.  And never will be.  Everything seems good and well simply because everyone is avoiding the problem.  But it'll always be there.

It will happen again.

It's only a matter of time.