So close...so far...

What more can I say...

School rantings...

So there are a few things on campus lately that I am not liking...

The minor thing...Second Cup. So since Second Cup opened on campus, they have refused to accept SPC. Eventually, my friend and I decided to email them about it. So we sent them an email saying how it's ridiculous that a student discount card is not being accepted at a campus location. A few days ago I got a reply from Second Cup saying that they followed up on that and that the campus location should be accepting SPC. And what happened today? They tell me they don't accept at this location. !@#$% Yes. It's probably less than $0.50 difference per cup of coffee, but I/we deserve our privileges. It's my right.

Another minor thing. While heating up food during lunch, somebody came up to me and said that she heard my sister's quite girly and asked why I'm so "cool". -_-'' WTF?! First of all, only one person in my program has seen my sister. Anyone else that has ever "seen" her would have simply been through FB, which would have been one single picture. So what do you know about my sister?! Second, what does my sister's style have anything to do with me?! We are two independent people. Third, what are you implying? One other person often calls me "cool", but in a good way. This person, today, obviously was hinting at other things. But it's none of your business.

But the thing that bugs me the most is related to the sharing of prep course materials that's been going on within our class. In attempts to prepare for this upcoming exam, everyone is trying to get their hands on materials from various courses and organizations. Some people are getting all these things for free, because Big4 companies will pay for it all. Then there are people like me who are paying for these courses and materials on their own. And then there are those people who have decided not to take any courses and study on their own. What really pisses me off is the fact that those people who chose not to take courses are getting everything for free. They are simply borrowing other people's stuff and photocopying it.

Before signing up for the course, I was 100% sure that I could have gotten any material I wanted from my friends and classmates for free. But in the end, I decided to pay the $1400 and take the course myself because it would be absolutely unfair if I just got everything for free from other people. If I want to use these materials, then I have to pay the cost. If I want to get stuff from other people, then I should also be contributing. So I dished out $1400.

And now, at least 1/3 of the people are getting everything for free. I understand that it's expensive and people don't want to dish out money. But shouldn't you at least share part of the cost? Why should you get it for free while we pay over $1000?!

One of my friends ordered nonrefundable materials from one organization before deciding to take a different course. Because she has offered to share the materials with me, I have OFFERED, out of my own will, to pay half the cost ($150+). Why? Because there is no reason why I should get the full benefit for free while she pays the entire cost.

I'm not rich. If anything, I'm pretty sure most people in the class are much richer than I am. I have yet to pay the $400 fee to write the exam that's coming up. I work a part-time job partly because I don't want to spend my parents' money. These few months, I've been watching my bank accounts continuously decrease and, for the first time in a long while, feel the pressure that I will actually use up all my money.

But I will never rip off my friends and classmates.

hocc @ lezsmeeting

A little surprised that hocc would do an interview with a les magazine. But, of course, nice to see it. And looking forward to what's gonna be coming next!

Time and again...

Studied until 3:30am last night. But it seems I still didn't do very good today. *sigh* I've been doing pretty good so far this term. Hope I didn't mess it up today.

Crawled into bed at 3:30am last night but for some reason couldn't fall asleep. While lying there, a part of me was looking for a certain feeling.

A feeling I can no longer find.

Perhaps life is stressful lately...

There was one night the week before that I had a very strange dream. It was like everything was happening all over again. All the same people. All the same situations. All the same fights. Yet, this time, the two sides clash for real...

A little unsettling...

What is it that I don't know?

*sigh*

From the first cup of tea...

On Friday, we had a very special visitor at our house; someone that we have not seen for probably 15 years. It was her first time in Toronto, and one of her main purposes here was to see me.

Who is this person?

My babysitter, D, from when I was 1 to 3 years old.

To be honest, I have very little memory of D. Everything I do know about her was from what I have heard from other people. The only thing I do remember is a vague idea of her figure.

But there is one thing about me that, perhaps, is an extension of D. The fact that I love milk tea (奶茶). It is because of her that I drink milk tea. It is because of her that I started drinking milk tea when I was only 2 or 3 years old. Back then, in HK, D would take me out to breakfast every day and let me take sips from her milk tea. Eventually, the people at the restaurant gave the little old me my very own cup, for free.

For the most part, D thinks I still look the same.

But surprisingly, her life has changed drastically.

In the 15 years, D's daughter got cancer. Three times. Apparently, her genes are naturally highly susceptible to mutation, putting her at very high risk of cancer. They've been to Singapore, Europe and the US to find the appropriate treatments. Luckily, she has survived. But who knows when it'll happen again?

In the 15 years, D's son got married and then divorced. The woman threatened him with suicide and other nasty things and eventually took almost all his money. He refuses to get married ever again. But at least he's now happy.

Just earlier this year, D got divorced, after over 40 years of marriage. Who would have thought that the man who waited for D to turn 18 so that they could get married would end up having an affair? D is chronically taking sleeping pills and other psychiatric medication.

To add to all this, the other reason for D's visit to TO...was to support her sister's divorce.

*sigh*

Why do such horrible things have to happen to such a good person?

I look at all this and think that I am very lucky.

Before leaving, D was very excited in telling me that she could come and visit when I got married or had children in the future...

*speechless*

What is more important to a parent? That their children are 'normal'? Or that their children are happy?

*prayers*

Why must people fight?
Why do people cheat?
Why is it so hard to love?

I wish there was a way for everyone to get along.

What does it take?

What does it take for two people to stay together?
What does it take to love someone?
What does it take to be happy?

Why do people have to separate?

*sigh*

I'm grateful that I once found someone who loves me.
I'm grateful that I once found someone that I love.

Life is too fragile.

hocc

Saw this on the forum a while ago...

Amazing Music-HOCC 何韻詩

Haha. Haven't seen something like this in a long time. For sure, hocc has at least one more die hard fan. lol.

Reminds me of when I first started noticing hocc.

The first time I heard hocc sing was probably when I heard the following song on the radio...



At the time, probably 2002, I did not listen to Chinese music. This song was playing on the radio. I really wasn't paying attention. I had no clue what song this was nor who sang it. Nor did I care. But I remember thinking...why is this song so repetitive and annoying?!

lol. (FYI...I love this song now, because I can actually appreciate the meaning and feeling in it.)

The year after, I came across hocc performing the following song on JSG...



...and I absolutely fell in love with her performance. I liked the song and the impression she gave off was that she was really enjoying the song and the performance, even though it was probably 3 minutes long.

From then on, I fell in love with hocc. lol.

I have at least one copy of every single album. Where possible, practically and financially, I try to get the limited editions. The biggest splurges were (1) the First album, (2) blog book, (3) Ten Days documentary and the latest (4) limited edition mandarin album (which I have yet to receive...x_x). But I am missing the mandarin EP, which at this point I have no clue how to get. -_-''

I have watched hocc perform live twice. Once was at Wonderland, where I was quite mesmerized. The other was at Rama, which I regretted.

I met a few friends because of the name hocc.

I met a very important person because of the name hocc.

And, sadly, I have gotten myself in a lot of trouble because of the name hocc.

Wonders.

What's next?

The Alchemist

Recently, I came across Paulo Coehlo's blog. Just like the books he writes, the blog has a lot of interesting, meaningful and thought-provoking things.

Like yesterday...on love...

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2010/10/20/reflexions-on-love/

While in HK, there was a Paulo Coehlo bookset at one of the stores I went to. Really tempted to buy it, but too big and bulky to bring back. I've read a few of his books and have liked them all. They make you think and look at what life really means.

The first book I read from him was The Alchemist. I had heard of this book many times, but had never read it until a few years ago.

Unfortunately, the most important page of my book is now missing.

Paulo Coehlo's newest book is called The Winner Stands Alone. I have yet to read it. Hopefully soon!

Purple!

So last night I somehow or other found out about wearing purple for Spirit Day today. And, of course, I wore purple! =)

Considering I didn't see this circulating on fb yesterday, I assumed it wasn't going to be very wide spread and most people probably didn't know anything about it. (Even I just came across it accidentally.) So I was quite amazed by how much purple I saw on campus today, and especially within my program.

The incident...

When I walked into class this morning, two girls were talking about wearing purple. I didn't think much of it, because they were doing a presentation today and it has been a bit of a trend for groups to do the colour co-ordination thing. I merely thought they were talking about their presentation.

Later in the day, one guy jokingly said to the four girls presenting, "What are you guys, team purple or something?"

To my surprise, one of the girls answered, "We're doing it for a cause." and went on to explain Spirit Day to the guy.

Awesome.

I think around 10 to 12 people in my class of 66 wore purple. I'm guessing two wore purple by accident, but the others I think did it for the cause.

It's great to see so much support from the people that I work with every day.

沉重

從 campus 嘅 SW corner 行到去 NE corner 攞車。

可以一個人係街到行下好舒服。

但...

心情...

仍然好沉重。

73 Years Later

BA is now officially St A, 73 years after his death.

Perfect timing, but quite ironic.

Hard to believe that there has been a gigantic church/cathedral/oratory in Montreal for BA for so long and he is only being recognized now.

Side note: The BA Cardinals played their annual Thanksgiving football game last weekend, while celebrating BA's 25th anniversary. But the Cardinals lost 36-0. -_-'' (I thought we were good at football?! And it wasn't even against rivals like MDHS. What a disgrace. -_-'')

Where's my twin?

Saw this on some random blog that I've been subscribing to...

And my heart sank. =(

My little buddy has been 'locked' away in a dark and lonely place, but I can still find him and visit him every now and then.

But what ever happened to his twin? Do you still carry your battle scars? Does the master still treasure you as much as before? Or have you, too, been banished into some far off place?

I miss you, little guy.

[..............]

Mr. S

While waiting to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy yesterday, I saw a man with his daughter waiting in line. The man looked very familiar. I thought I knew him from somewhere, but he didn't seem to recognize me. But while watching him, I could not think of where I had seen this person before.

When I opened fb last night I finally remembered...

In the summer of 2007 I went to a leadership training near Muskoka. He, S, was my group leader. Although I had only known this man for four days, he was a very memorable person.

Why?

He reminded me of X. He was very much the same type of person as X. Very intelligent. Very knowledgeable. Very caring. With a big heart. And at that time, when so many things had happened not too long ago, this really made an impression on me.

But the bigger reason was what he wrote to me. As part something 'fun' that our group did, we each wrote every group member a little note. What he wrote to me was very surprising and very touching.

I can't remember exactly what S wrote, but the first time I read it I was a little shocked. I think there was no more than 50 words, but he had picked up everything that was important to me.

He wrote about life. He wrote about people. He wrote about love.

Clearly, in those four short days, with just a few casual conversations, this man had seen through everything that I was hiding inside.

(I really wanted to find that note S wrote and post it. But finding that little piece of paper would involve rummaging through a lot of junk. That's not the best use of time for me right now. Another day.)

The stars say...

Been getting some very amusing horoscopes on my iGoogle page via tarot.com these few days...

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010 Deep feelings continue to stir from the hidden depths of your subconscious, and you see no reason now to hold them back. Your key planet Venus is pushed to reach further than normal as she aspects unorthodox Uranus. Your restlessness with your current life encourages you to say yes, even if you're not sure that you really understand the question.

Wednesday, October 13th, 2010 You want a deep and meaningful connection now that the Moon is traveling through your 9th House of Higher Truth. It might help to find someone who can lift your spirits today. However, it's not easy to let go of your relationship concerns, which could place unnecessary boundaries between you and your special friend. Instead of allowing your fears to get in the way, talk about your feelings. Once the ice is broken, take the path the opens up.

It all comes at a time when I really am thinking about a lot of things. After all, it's October.

Thinking...Oktoberfest...
Thinking...that day..
Thinking...regrets.

Thinking...I shouldn't be thinking.

HK 2010 - The Circle

I don't know if I'm overly sensitive or what, but during this trip to HK, I had quite a few encounters with gay/les people. Perhaps because of all the things in my own life, I notice these things a lot. Or maybe the culture in HK is just different.

On one of the flights to HK, I noticed that the man on the speaker sounded rather feminine. Not too long after that, I saw one of the male flight attendants walk by with a rainbow coloured bracelet around his wrist. Putting that together, it's obvious.

While at CityPlaza one day waiting for someone, I saw two guys walking together, holding hands. It's really common to see two girls holding hands in public. But two guys is rather rare. The two went into an electronics store and looked at...sewing machines. Funny, but cute.

During a family outing, a whole bunch of us went to one of the further places in the New Territories. At one of our stops, there were lots of people flying kites. All the kites were extremely high up in the sky, except for one. The two people with that kite simply could not even get it up into the air. Seeing this, my dad, uncle and cousin all went tried to help, while my grandmother, mom and aunt looked on, laughing at their failure. I watched this all happen and was quite amused, because the two girls that owned the kite were obviously a couple. I wonder if the rest of my family members actually realized that the TB was a girl.

On the flight back here, there were some loud HK teenagers sitting in front of us. The one sitting right in front of my mom was a TB. I wonder what my mom thought.

The culture in HK always amazes me. People say HK is conservative and western countries are more open. But I don't necessarily agree with that. On any given day in HK, you will see quite a few TBs and many same-sex couples. But here in TO, that doesn't happen. Unless you're in certain parts of the city, you really rarely randomly run into any. So putting aside the marriage rights, who's more open?

I guess part of the problem is that we are Chinese in a non-Chinese city. In th end, the Chinese community is not that big and everybody knows everybody. There are a lot more issues and dangers involved in being open about things like this. People who want to be open are less open, and people who are conservative are even more conservative.

*sigh*

Sometimes it's hard to believe that I live in TO, where same-sex marriage is legal, and the biggest problem I have in my life arises from the fact that I love(d) a girl.

The irony...

(Sorry for another stupid post. But yes, I'm bitter.)

五月天 - 超人

hocc posted this song/video on fb the other day...
What a heartbreaking song...



為什麼拯救地球　是那麼容易
為什麼束手無策啊　我和你的愛情
為什麼拯救地球　終於完美結局
為什麼我只能夠　眼看著愛燃燒成　灰燼

Turning Point?

From tarot.com:

"You are at a rather significant turning point in your life, yet you still want to believe that you can keep things going just as they are. The fact is that something needs to change. Even if you've been able to manage the tension up to this point, now your emotions are becoming too volatile to contain. Embracing the unknown instead of resisting it should help to make things easier for all involved."

Isn't that nice to know...

Some things need to change......

Thinking back to last week, there was something that I thought was a little strange.

Having Monday off last week, I told M that I was going for a haircut. Strangely, she just said okay and nothing more.

So off I went to for a haircut. Wasn't quite satisfied, because the dude kind of overdid it. But oh well.

Got home. To avoid conflict, I started off saying to M how the guy had overdone it. Surprisingly, she very calmly said that it looks okay, and that that's the way it'll be if I want to cut it short. Then she added that she doesn't like it though because the back look like a guy's hair.

At this point, I'm getting uneasy about what could happen next. But to my surprise, nothing happened. She didn't continue nagging me about the short hair. And she didn't explode on me about it looking too boyish. Phew.

I seriously cannot remember the last time that M didn't complain about my hair after I got a haircut. (Even though, relatively speaking, my hair is not short and not boyish at all compared to a lot of people out there.)

What are you thinking? I never know how to read you. Have you eased off on your views? Have you started to accept the reality? Or am I just being overly optimistic?

Some things need to change.

DND

Me.

Myself.

I.

There's no room for anyone else.

HK 2010 - Tea Fair

After being in HK three years in a row, there's not much that's overly exciting to talk about.  But one new thing that I did this year was go to the annual Food Expo and associated exhibitions.

The Food Expo itself was a blur.  All I know is that it was super super crowded, which totally ruins your mood for wanting to try or buy anything.  And the truth is, there wasn't really that much interesting food.  Most were things you could find in regular stores.  The only difference is that the prices are slightly lower.  Overall, not too interesting.

The highlight for me was not the Food Expo itself, but the Tea Fair.  It was really small compared to the Food Expo, but much more interesting for me for 'obvious' reasons.  And to make the experience extra nice, I got to go on one of the days where it was only open to industry people and not open to public.  For some reason, we got numerous extra buyer passes this year.  So I got to go in as a buyer.

To be honest, I don't know much about tea.  I probably should.  But my purpose was not to learn about the tea itself.  If I wanted to do that, I really don't need to go there.  My purpose was to see what other companies are doing in terms of marketing, both in terms of packaging and distribution, in hopes of getting some ideas.

There were lots of interesting things.  I'm inclined to believe that most people, including the buyers, don't necessarily know whether the tea is actually good or not.  In this day and time, it's the packaging that brings attention and potential purchases.  Tea in cans.  Tea in wooden boxes.  Tea in wicker baskets.  Tea made into art displays.  Everything you can think of.  And of course, most companies try to bring in the health benefits of tea.  (Although my impression is that they slightly overdo it in this respect.)

My only disappointment relating to this event was that I didn't get to go with my grandfather.  I really wanted to go with him, because I know he'd be really happy if I did.  And also because it would have been much more interesting and informative to go with him since he knows what the heck is going on.  But I had other obligations that day.  Hopefully, next time.

So now, after going to this, the question is......

What can I do?

無名

Loving this song and video.

It's like the "original" hocc, but different. lol.

Last night Fish messaged me to tell me that the puzzle version of hocc's album is for sale on yesasia. I was sort of surprised by this, and when she e-mailed me a file back in August. Although we used to chat all the time five or six years ago, we have rarely done so in the past few years.

I guess there was a time when I was a little too preoccupied with other things in life and sort of neglected some people.

And...I suspect she's avoiding me for certain reasons.  (Or I'm just paranoid.)

But anyhow, nice to chat with her again.  I've known her virtually for 5 or 6 years now, but still haven't met her in person.  Hopefully, some day we can meet for real!

拜金小姐 - 永遠的青春驪歌

Was listening to Ellen's Summer of Love.  The first listen was quite a pleasant surprise.  I never expected Ellen's solo song to sound like that.  But looking at the credits and seeing Veegay up there explains it all.  Very much Veegay's style.

Seems like there haven't been many songs written or produced by Veegay lately.  So it made me think of Material Girls.

Material Girls...very electric and synthetic, quite strange, but kinda cool! And very Veegay style.

Pretend Hug

Accidentally came across this again today.  I had once posted it in another blog.

So sweet, but so sad.

You love someone so much that the thought of hugging him/her is satisfying.  But you can't hold him/her in your arms for real.

無奈。

Another Slow Tuesday

Tuesdays......suck.

For some reason they thought it'd be a good idea to put the two most difficult classes on the same day. Every week.

Tax quiz. Not bad. Just what I expected. Unless I misread something, this one should come in at 15/15.

Got back last week's financial quiz. -_-'' I really need to be more careful and stop making careless mistakes. It sucks to lose marks on stupid things like that when I actually know the stuff.

The atmosphere around me has been rather negative lately. A lot of people are worried and upset. Everybody's so uptight with the job apps stuff.

Tired.

There's still some more stuff from HK that I want to write about. But too tired today.

Need to prep audit case. Need to finish prep questions. Tomorrow's gonna be a long long day.

Why am I so tired today? Didn't even really do much.

It's just one of those days when I wish there was someone I could go home to and throw my weight on. It's such a nice feeling to know that you can just let go and there will always be someone there to hold you up.

*sigh*

冇事有心

Came across this song from FB today. 劉浩龍 - 冇事有心

Quite, often people ask me how I am. My answer is always "okay". No more. No less. There's not much in particular that makes me exceptionally happy or excited. Perhaps there are things that get me down, but they are not things I want to discuss.

Every now and then, perhaps I look tired or down or something, people ask me if I'm okay. My answer is always "yea, I'm fine". No more. No less.

I hate that question.

I once discussed this with someone and she knew exactly what I meant. If I'm okay, you wouldn't be asking me if I'm okay in the first place. Obviously you can tell I'm not okay. So why are you even asking?

So the only answer...

Yea. I'm fine.
冇事. 有心.

HK 2010 - The Horror

(What was originally written here very briefly has now been deleted. As much as I wanted to keep a memory of all the things that ran through my head while in HK, perhaps I'd rather keep this part private. A reminder that I deleted what I originally wrote will be enough.)

When will it stop?

When will things change?

When can I rest?

The Long Way Home

Across College...
To where that last goodbye would have been...

Up Jarvis...
Passing by that restaurant called Angelina...

Up Mount Pleasant...
Going by that cemetery that I always notice...

Across Millwood...
Passing by that bakery that I still have yet to try...

Up Bayview...
To where you work...

Across the 401...
Just past my haven...

Reminiscing...

But it's just not the same.

[.............]

Plain Jane

While driving home the other day, I noticed something on the Markham Theatre board. Looked it up and found this...

A Chantal Kreviazuk concert right here next month.

Of all things...

A part of me is curious to go and see what it would be like.

But the experience would never be complete without my partner in crime.

What I would give to watch Chantal Kreviazuk sing "Feels Like Home" live with...........

Who are you?

Lately, I've been chatting with some person that must have randomly added me from the forums. She seems to be a good person, but kinda mysterious.

99% of the time she's the one that starts the conversation, because she's always on invisible. I asked her why she's always hiding, but she said "secret". -_-''

I once asked what her real name is, but she never told me. -_-''

After so many chats, I still cannot match this person up with anything anywhere.  Nor does anyone around me seem to know anything.  This has always been a small small circle.  Every other person I've met has been connected somehow.  How come this person isn't?!

Who are you?

Follow the Leader

While searching for a new desktop background today, I came across a photo of two people holding hands. For whatever reason, it reminded me of something...

How do you hold hands with your partner? Are you the leader or the follower?

Did a quick search and found this...

http://www.fullofhateandreadytodate.com/blog/holding-hands-follow-the-leader/

Stupid thought? Perhaps. I'm sure most people never think about how they hold their partner's hand. It's just a natural thing. But a part of me would tend to believe that it's somewhat built into our subconscious.

I cannot fully relate to this because there was never a time when I could freely walk on the street holding my partner's hand. The only time we did hold hands was in private, and that's not really the same thing. It was never a matter of who's leading who, but simply just a way of bonding and connecting.