Thanks...Continued

Thanks...again...

To the person that remembered me, and thought of me, and took the time to send me some words of encouragement before rushing off to the airport to catch a flight.

Have a safe and enjoyable trip.  Relax, have fun, and get some much needed rest.

Hopefully, when you get back, we'll both be in better times.

Thanks

"Thanks"....

To the people who have piled work on me this weekend.

To the people who complain to me when I'm doing more than my share.

To the people who love to bug me at the worst times.

Thanks...

To the people who are willing to share the work load.

To the people who kept me company today.

To the people who keep me going.

Another Friday Night...

...at home working.

Seeing as this week I've had a quiz, and a midterm, and meetings after class every day, I was hoping to take a break and 'run away' for a few hours.  But, obviously, seeing as I'm typing this right now, that plan failed.

I hate working on Friday nights.  I'd rather work over the weekend than work Friday night.  But here I am because I probably won't survive if I don't sacrifice my fun time.

So for this weekend, in addition to working tomorrow and class on Sunday......

1)  Prep for tonight's meeting
2)  Skype meeting @ 9:30pm tonight
3)  Prep for tax meeting
4)  Edit the 37-page audit paper
5)  Write my part of the other audit paper
6)  Study for audit exam

...all of which need to be completed by Monday.

Lovely.

The plan...is to finish all of 1-5 tonight...because I need as much time as possible to do 6.

But the sight of that 37-page paper that has crap formatting and content that I have never read tells me my plan will likely fail.  As usual.

(And now I've wasted a whole ten minutes writing this instead of doing all those other things.)

Split

Certain events and conversations today made me realize, once again, how worried M is.  And it's quite disturbing.

Feeling helpless, because I can't do anything to help her and I don't even know how to respond to what she says.

On top of that, I feel guilty.  Despite all the doubts and insecurities she must have about me, I am still the person that she trusts most.  But the reality is that I am still constantly lying to her.

But what else can I do?

Presentation Matters

Call me picky, but the formating on this REALLY annoys me...

There's no indents.
There's no spacing between sections.
The spacing that is there is wrong.
You can't see where the headings are.

It's all one big blob.

It's not presentable.
It's not okay.

WTF???

Tax

This is the reason why studying tax is an absolute pain......

Every sentence is impossible to understand.
Every other word in each section needs to be defined in another section.
Looking up one thing leads you to a million other sections.

In the end, you spend more time looking up things and flipping through pages than actually understanding and doing tax.

Now...time to study for that tax quiz......

(Somebody just called me to find out what's on tomorrow's quiz.  And I previously called someone else to find out what's on the quiz.  Look how clueless we all are. =P)

Fast Forward

Aside from the big exam I need to write, I'm looking forward to January.  (Yes, already.)  The 4-month work term is gonna be my 'vacation time', and this time around there's a lot of things I want to do...

First off, it looks like I'm going to continue my part-time job for longer than anticipated.  Originally, I told my boss I would work until the end of the year.  But it seems that he forgot I told him that! lol.  In that case, I've decided to work an extra two months, until the end of February.  Hopefully, my co-op firm won't need me on the weekends until March, so that things will work out as planned.

Currently, I'm looking at a TA position.  The course is a business x science course, so that seems to be perfect for me.  Not very confident about marking papers at this point, but I want to apply anyway.  It's good pay, and something I can do at home.  Honestly, I'm in this for the money, because I know I'll be spending a lot on courses and exams in the next year.  Every little bit helps.  And putting another thing on my resume is always good.

Last year I took on weekly swimming during the work term.  Hopefully, this year, I'm gonna do that again.  But on top of that, I'm looking to seriously pick up that guitar that's been sitting in my room collecting dust.  Maybe take a course from one of the community centers or something.  All I need is something very basic to get me started.  After that, I can probably figure it out on my own.

This past week, a bunch of us started talking about the possibility of a trip to Montreal or Quebec or something. Not sure if we can do that, but I'd really like to go somewhere for a 2 or 3-day trip with all my buddies.  Or perhaps a ski trip would be good also.  (Except I can't ski.)

The big thing I really want to do is seriously plan and start an online business.  This is something we've been talking about in the family for a long time.  The main objective isn't really to make money, but to try and continue what's already been started.  Since nobody else has been proactive in this, I want to take this into my own hands and do something about it.  I really have no idea how to go about doing this, but I'll figure out something.

lol....it's like I'm writing my new year's resolution...but whatever.

Can't wait until January!  (After Jan 5, after the exam, that is. =P)

But first, need to survive December, which is never easy.....

Exams are bad....and the things that the holidays do to my emotions are even worse.......

The Same Old Route

Every time there's a lot of traffic on the DVP, I take an alternate route home.  The only reason I know of this route is because of X.  She would always take this route to avoid traffic on our way home.  It's a nicer route than the DVP, passing by a lot of interesting places.  A little more exciting than the highway.

It wasn't until a few years ago that I drove on this route myself.  She had never told me where exactly she was driving, but somewhere inside, I knew where to go.

Along the route......

Cemetery - I always noticed this cemetery when I sat in X's car.  It reminded me of that first time we hung out together.

Post Road - I remember she told me that this was a dead end road.  But I have yet to find out what's at that dead end.

Millwood Road - A tiny residential street along the way.  I always thought it was crazy that the speed limit there is 30 km/h, but it would be a pretty nice place to live.

Bakery - X once pointed out this bakery to me, saying that their stuff is pretty good.  I have yet to try it.

For whatever reason, I noticed the name of the bakery today.  Epi Breads.  But somehow, I have the feeling that it wasn't called that before.  The sign just looked kinda different.

Every time I "re-visit" things, I notice how much things have changed....

Have I changed also?

Independence = Emotionless

The isolated space within a car seems to be a very good place for some serious conversations......

Every now and then, I drive one of my friends home.  Every time, we have very nice (i.e. meaningful) conversations.  For whatever reason, she seems to really trust me, and we always end up having these private conversations in my car.  Today was no exception.  The interesting part is that everything she told me today were all things that I could relate to...

Apparently, our jap friend, K,  told R that she is too independent, to the point that she seems to be emotionless, and that she should   And now R is quite concerned about this comment.  She also mentioned that there have been other cases where people seem to think that she doesn't care about the people around her enough.

I was really surprised when R told me this, because from my point of view, R is definitely the nicest person in our class.  (And the cutest! lol)  Why would anyone think that she's not caring enough?!?!  I really do not understand.

But the truth is...I know exactly what she means.  Because that's exactly what people think of me.

For whatever reason, most people seem to think I'm quite invincible.  (Is that good or bad?)  I can somehow handle everything on my own.  And I never get tired or upset or anything.  On top of that, I never really ask people personal questions, or show interest in their personal lives, so people think I don't care.  And thus, people see me as cold and emotionless.

Am I really like that?  I explained to R what I think about her/my situation, and she totally agrees with me.

I am independent because I have to be, because I choose to be.  I am the eldest child in the family, and the most highly educated.  In many ways, everyone else depends on me for a lot of things.  With that level of responsibility, you eventually learn to handle heavy loads, to deal with problems, to work things out on your own, to put on a brave face.  And during that process, you also learn that you need to push away your emotions so that they don't interfere with the more important things.

But that doesn't mean I'm emotionless and uncaring.

I never ask people personal questions, but that doesn't mean I don't care.   I do care, but I might not show it too obviously.  I never dig into people's personal matters because I think that invades their private space.  If they trust you and want to share something personal with you, they will tell you without you asking.  There are some people that I know are willing to share their matters with me.  With those people, I will be more direct and ask about their stuff.  But with others, I care, but I don't want to make them uncomfortable by asking questions that they may or may not want to answer.

I am not emotionless.  In fact, I suspect I am more emotional than a lot of people.  It's just that most people will never see my emotional side because I choose not to show it openly.  Unless I really trust you, you'll never see the emotional me.  Perhaps, that is partly because the emotional matters are not things that can be shared openly.  If I get emotional, people will start asking questions, and I don't have answers because there are things that I cannot reveal.

Somewhere in this conversation, R mentioned that her bf thought that she wasn't caring enough.  At that point, I wanted to to say something about my situation with my ex.  But at that split second, it occurred to me that if I said anything about an ex, R would probably go on to ask about my relationship issues.  I immediately changed what I was about to say, because I know that if I go on talking about my ex, I'll mess up somewhere and reveal that my ex was a girl.

I know I can trust R.  And I think that she wouldn't react badly even if I did tell her my ex was a girl.  But a part of me just doesn't have the courage to do it.

Some day...

Evidence

Parking tickets are fascinating.

By parking ticket, I don't mean the ones you get when you park illegally.  I mean the ones you put on your dash after you've paid for your parking.

As strange as it may be, I have a thing for these parking tickets.  Why?  They are a memory of where I was during a certain period of time.  It has the date, time, duration, location, cost, logos.  And if you're lucky, the back sometimes has ads from that certain time and place.  All the information you need.

All you have to do is remember the who and the why.  Who were you there with?  And why were you there?

Or...

Maybe I'm just a little crazy and trying to hold on to the past?

I know I can't hold on to time, so the next best thing is something from the moment.

無名。詩

My limited edition 無名。詩 puzzle and CD!!!

It came...two weeks ago...

I'm not sure how or why I let it sit in my closet for two weeks before opening it. That's totally weird considering I should be super excited about it.  But then again, it's never been the same these few years. There's nobody to share the excitement with. I guess there's a bunch of people around me who like hocc. But nobody's as 'crazy' about it as I am. Or at least nobody looks at it the same way I do.

The actual product is really nice, so I guess my $50 CDN was worth it.  It's record sized and really thick.  Really nice to hold.  It even has a plastic cover to protect it.  Unfortunately, some of the promotional writing on the cover seems to have rubbed off while it was shipped here.  So it's less than perfect.  (But I guess that's not as the time I accidentally ripped the gold sticker on one of the other albums. =P)

Surprisingly, there's very little inside.  Basically, it's a stiff, folding cardboard 'case', which also serves as the puzzle's frame.  Other than the CD, the only additional thing is a very thin paper which has a pic on one side and the lyrics and credits on the other.  It's kinda weird not to see all the promotional content.  And weird that there is no fan club registration form.

Of course, the fun (and expensive) part of this is the puzzle.  But what's more interesting is that the CD is hidden under the puzzle.  Meaning you have to take apart the puzzle to take it out.  Clever!  But that also means that I will probably never take the CD out.  Or more correctly, I'll never even know that the CD is actually there.  But at this point, I'd rather keep it in mint condition.  So in a sense, I buy all these things for the sake of collecting, for the sake of owning it.  (That's probably bad?!)

And look what I just found on ebay....how tempting...

And look what else is on sale on the goomusic website today...even more tempting!!!

Blog Stats

Clicking through Blogger, I noticed that there is now a stats tab. It seems to basically show the same info as Google Analytics, but the info doesn't seem entirely correct. But it was still interesting.

I have never openly shared this blog in any way, even though it is public. As far as I know, it doesn't link back to anything that would reveal my real identity. The only time I share is when people ask if I blog and I deem that person trustworthy. As far as I remember, I've really only revealed it to less than five people.

I guess there was one time that I intentionally tried to let someone know this is my blog. Originally, there was a purpose for this blog. Hence the title and description. I'm not so sure that goal has been met. But I guess it doesn't make a difference.

For the 3+ years I've had this blog, most visitors have come from the Netherlands. I do not know anyone from the Netherlands. And I don't see how anything I've written is particularly relevant to the Netherlands. Strange, but minor.

What caught my attention was the most popular pages or posts. Of the top ten with most visits, eight were recent posts. That's understandable. But interestingly, the following two posts were among the top ten:

Convocation

Uninvited Guest

Both posts I wrote on the day of my convocation, a day significant to me for all the wrong reasons.

Of the 500+ posts, why these two? Just in time to remind me of something that I 'must' do between now and next year's convocation...

Will I really be able to do it?

I wonder what sort of random people stumble onto my pointless blog...

Crash and Burn

Tonight I'm thinking of a time when I skipped my shift and went to X's house instead...

Spent most of the day relaxing at her place...lying around...watching tv...listening to her voice...sleeping...cuddling...

(with our two little monkeys too...)

Resting...for real...for once...in the comfort and safety of each other...

And then I woke up to that perfect cup of tea that she makes for me...

There's nothing more relaxing...

Every time I pass by the building I still look up to the window and wish I could be there again, because I still cannot find anything that is even close to matching it.

If there was somewhere for me to go, and someone for me to be with, I would skip the $150 class that I have tomorrow to rest and relax.

Because I really am that tired...physically, mentally, emotionally.

But there isn't.

So I'm gonna continue burning myself out, because I don't know how else to numb myself.

Lost and Found

It was really foggy tonight...

I thought it was kind of interesting that S and R were so concerned about going home in the fog and not being able to see clearly. It's just a little fog. What's the big deal?

I kinda liked it...

Perhaps my thoughts are too hazy to begin with...

If I could be a little more carefree, I would have liked to take a walk in the foggy night...to the middle of nowhere...for no reason...

Just because...

Because sometimes being lost is easier than being found.

Tears...

What's wrong with me tonight?
='(

Empty Pages

Tired.
In pain.
Frustrated.

Lost for words tonight...

But somewhere, it's written...

And maybe, someone will read it...

Mind Games...

A lot of things going on lately are making me quite paranoid.

Another comment by my mom today has gotten me nervous again.

First the apparent freedom.
Then the suspicious tone.
And now the casual mention.

At a time when I am seriously considering some mischievous acts for the upcoming holidays, I don't know what to make of all this.

Why can't we just all be open and honest about it all?

I tried. Back then, I genuinely thought that maybe if you could understand my perspective that we could work things out. For once, I was brutally honest and told you everything. But you wouldn't accept.

What are you thinking?
Where do we stand?

How far can I go?

Trudging on...

It's my week off...

But I'm tired.
And I can't eat.
And my jaw is swollen.
And I have a sh*t load of work to do.
And people want to give more than my share.

To the rest of the world, I'm the one that never falls. I'm always the last one standing. And maybe it is true that I can handle a lot more than most people. But it's tiring.

At times like this, I really could use a bit of tlc.

At times like this, I wish I could go back to my haven.

At times like this, sometimes I really do wish I wasn't single.

Dream on...

Suck it up.
Keep going.

(It must be the fact that it's getting close to the end of the year. A lot of things are coming over me again and I'm getting bitter about a lot of things. Not liking this.)

Selfish Thoughts

Found a research article with your name in it. What a relief, to know that you're most likely still working in the same place.

The other day I saw a female paramedic tending to a patient on a stretcher on the side of the road. As before, I thought that it would be horrible if you had to be one of them out in the cold on the dangerous roads like that.

I know you are a great medic, and it's selfish for me to think this. And I know that I no longer have the privilege to be in your life or tell you that I care.

But even if I could never see you again in my life, I still hope that you wouldn't have to be out in the open like that, because I know so well that so many times you've dealt with dangerous patients, dangerous situations and freezing cold conditions.

It worries me and hurts too much to know that you might be out in the danger like that.

I want you to be safe.
I want you to live a good life.
I want you to be happy.

Even if I can't be a part of it.
Even if I can never even know.

I don't care who or what I am to you. Although I have an answer somewhere deep down. But I know very well who you are to me and what you mean to me.

[...........]...forever and a day...

Under the Influence

So today I was put to sleep to have my wisdom teeth taken out. It was quite a strange experience.

First was inhaling nitrous oxide (aka laughing gas). For the first few minutes I didn't feel anything. But after a while, I started getting sleepy and could feel pins and needles all over my body. I could still hear and talk to the nurse, but it was really blurry.

At this point, the thought that came to mind was not exactly a pleasant one. The thought was of the times when I did research in the labs and put rats to sleep with nitrous oxide...after which I would do some pretty 'horrific' surgical procedures on them...

Then the nurse put an IV in. I'm guessing it was a benzo drug of some sort, since that's the most common type used for dental purposes. I could still feel the poke of the needle, but I don't remember anything after that. It must have put me to sleep pretty darn fast.

Some time later, I guess everything was done. They got my mom to come in. Apparently, the nurse or someone started explaining a whole lot of stuff about how to take care of the wound and what not. Apparently, I was fully able to talk and respond. The strange thing is...I have absolutely no memory of any of this!!!

(Side note: That's quite scary. What else did I say during this time?!?!?! Yikes.)

Went home and slept until 5pm. Ate some stuff. Took a couple of drugs...which are staring to make me sleepy again. =P

But no more sleeping!

Lots of working waiting for me to do...
Four meetings for three projects
Plus catching up on my courses
Plus catching up on my CKE studying

Back to work...while on drugs...

Codeine...(which is pretty close to morphine)....to be exact.

Where are you now?

A strange, but very nice dream last night...

My family was having some special occasion at our house and X was there. My parents obviously don't like her, but somehow she was living in our house. It was early in the morning and I went over to her room. We started talking about preparing for something. She was trying to do something to impress my parents, and I was worried about it. In her attempts to reassure me, we ended up cuddling. And of course, that's the best feeling in the world...

How impossible is that?! But I would love to see it happen!!! If X and my parents can appear in the same scene, that's more than I can wish for!

This dream has got me thinking about her a lot today. A part of me really has the urge to call her up.

What would I say? Would she talk to me? Would she even pick up?

While at dinner with relatives tonight, someone was commenting that I'm "good" because I'm focusing on school and not dating. Someone else said that maybe it's just that they don't know I am. Interestingly, my mom added that she doesn't know either...

All the while, I just sat there...nod and smile...

Why did she say that? Does she really think I'm dating someone? A girl?

I've found it kind of weird that she no longer asks me where I'm going or who I'm going with. Is it because she trusts me? I doubt it. Is it because she realizes she can't control it? I'm not sure. Or is it because she suspects I'm dating a girl again and just wants to deny it and so doesn't want to find out at all?

I really hate how I'm holding back on things I want to do but still end up being suspicious and condemned. It's just not fair. So why should I refrain myself?!

All of a sudden, I realize how much I miss having someone to hug and cuddle with...

*sigh*

[............]

If only you could hear me...

='(

What do you want?

Sometimes...I really wonder what people are thinking...
Are you teasing me or what?

Case 1:
ME: You changed seats.
MEG: To be closer to you!
ME: -_-''

Case 2:
NISH: Are you going to the formal next weekend?
ME: haha...no, I'm not.
NISH: No! Come on! You have to come! I'll ditch Gary and be your date!
ME: -_-''

都唔知好驚定好笑...

Is it too late to tell you I'm alone?

She is performing in town today. If it were tomorrow and not today, I would have considered going. It looks like she puts on a good live performance with a live band too. There are a few songs that I would really like to see performed live.

Or...

Perhaps I'm just trying to hold on to something else...

Management Control

Seeing as I am posting again, this is clearly an indication of how bored I am of studying for tomorrow's exam.

This is a so-called midterm.  But we've had 6 classes so far, and there's only 2 afterwards.  Some MID-term.  I really don't see the point of having an exam 3 weeks later.

Actually...I don't see the point of this course at all.

This is the third of a series of courses we've had from a particular prof. The first was management accounting. The second was advanced management accounting. And this one is management control.

Translation:  All the same. All full of crap.

As my friend said...

Management Control = Learning to BS your way to the top

(Another pointless post.  Simply because I have nothing better to do.  Can't wait until I'm 'free' tomorrow.)

Calvin and Hobbes...gets me again....

Where's my soft and huggy animal?

真的只是有時候...

Saw this on fb a while ago...

Sometimes...this is exactly the way life seems to be...

by Raymond Huen on Tuesday, October 5, 2010 at 10:54am
真的只是有時候，莫名的心情不好，不想和任何人說話，只想一個人靜靜的發呆。
真的只是有時候，突然覺得心情煩躁，看什麼都覺得不舒服，心裡悶的發慌，拼命想尋找一個出口。
真的只是有時候，發現身邊的人都不瞭解自己，面對著身邊的人，突然覺得說不出話。
真的只是有時候，感覺自己與世界格格不入，曾經一直堅持的東西一夜間面目全非。
真的只是有時候，突然很想逃離現在的生活，想不顧一切收拾自己簡單的行李去流浪。
真的只是有時候，別人突然對你說，我覺得你變了，然後自己開始百感交集。
真的只是有時候，希望時間為自己停下，就這樣和喜歡的人地老天荒。
真的只是有時候，在自己脆弱的時候，想一個人躲起來，不願別人看到自己的傷口。
真的只是有時候，突然很想哭，卻難過的哭不出來。
真的只是有時候，夜深人靜的時候，突然覺得寂寞深入骨髓。
真的只是有時候，明明自己心裡有很多話要說，卻不知道怎樣表達。
真的只是有時候，覺得自己其實一無所有，仿佛被世界拋棄。
真的只是有時候，明明自己身邊很多朋友，卻依然覺得孤單。
真的只是有時候，很想放縱自己，希望自己徹徹底底醉一次 。
真的只是有時候，自己的夢想很多，卻力不從心。
真的只是有時候，常常找不到事情，無聊的無所適從。
真的只是有時候，突然找不到自己，把自己丟了。
真的只是有時候，心裡突然冒出一種厭倦的情緒，覺得自己很累很累。
真的只是有時候，看不到自己未來的樣子，迷茫的不知所措。
真的只是有時候，發現自己一夜之間長大了。
真的只是有時候，聽到一首老歌，就突然想起一個人。
真的只是有時候，別人誤解了自己有口無心的一句話，心裡鬱悶的發慌。
真的只是有時候，常常在回憶裡掙扎，有很多過去無法釋懷。
真的只是有時候，渴望別人的關懷，渴望一份簡單的快樂。
真的只是有時候，看著時間一點點流逝，自己卻無能為力..............

Zoom Zoom

Saw this Mazda 2 on the street today for the first time. Love it!

If everything goes smoothly from now on, next year this time, I should be able to seriously consider getting my own car.