Independence = Emotionless

The isolated space within a car seems to be a very good place for some serious conversations......

Every now and then, I drive one of my friends home.  Every time, we have very nice (i.e. meaningful) conversations.  For whatever reason, she seems to really trust me, and we always end up having these private conversations in my car.  Today was no exception.  The interesting part is that everything she told me today were all things that I could relate to...

Apparently, our jap friend, K,  told R that she is too independent, to the point that she seems to be emotionless, and that she should   And now R is quite concerned about this comment.  She also mentioned that there have been other cases where people seem to think that she doesn't care about the people around her enough.

I was really surprised when R told me this, because from my point of view, R is definitely the nicest person in our class.  (And the cutest! lol)  Why would anyone think that she's not caring enough?!?!  I really do not understand.

But the truth is...I know exactly what she means.  Because that's exactly what people think of me.

For whatever reason, most people seem to think I'm quite invincible.  (Is that good or bad?)  I can somehow handle everything on my own.  And I never get tired or upset or anything.  On top of that, I never really ask people personal questions, or show interest in their personal lives, so people think I don't care.  And thus, people see me as cold and emotionless.

Am I really like that?  I explained to R what I think about her/my situation, and she totally agrees with me.

I am independent because I have to be, because I choose to be.  I am the eldest child in the family, and the most highly educated.  In many ways, everyone else depends on me for a lot of things.  With that level of responsibility, you eventually learn to handle heavy loads, to deal with problems, to work things out on your own, to put on a brave face.  And during that process, you also learn that you need to push away your emotions so that they don't interfere with the more important things.

But that doesn't mean I'm emotionless and uncaring.

I never ask people personal questions, but that doesn't mean I don't care.   I do care, but I might not show it too obviously.  I never dig into people's personal matters because I think that invades their private space.  If they trust you and want to share something personal with you, they will tell you without you asking.  There are some people that I know are willing to share their matters with me.  With those people, I will be more direct and ask about their stuff.  But with others, I care, but I don't want to make them uncomfortable by asking questions that they may or may not want to answer.

I am not emotionless.  In fact, I suspect I am more emotional than a lot of people.  It's just that most people will never see my emotional side because I choose not to show it openly.  Unless I really trust you, you'll never see the emotional me.  Perhaps, that is partly because the emotional matters are not things that can be shared openly.  If I get emotional, people will start asking questions, and I don't have answers because there are things that I cannot reveal.

Somewhere in this conversation, R mentioned that her bf thought that she wasn't caring enough.  At that point, I wanted to to say something about my situation with my ex.  But at that split second, it occurred to me that if I said anything about an ex, R would probably go on to ask about my relationship issues.  I immediately changed what I was about to say, because I know that if I go on talking about my ex, I'll mess up somewhere and reveal that my ex was a girl.

I know I can trust R.  And I think that she wouldn't react badly even if I did tell her my ex was a girl.  But a part of me just doesn't have the courage to do it.

Some day...