12/30

So somebody who knows I'm single just looked at the music I was listening to (i.e. Khalil Fong - You are the Sunshine of My Life) and asked, "Who's the sunshine of your life ar?" and then wished me a happy new year.

-_-'' 無奈。 As if my mind isn't messed up enough already.

Another person told me about something she did tonight. A big step to take, and luckily, it turned out okay. Congrats to her! And thank you for trusting me. But, again, that seems to reinforce the fact that I'm an idiot.

-_-'' Yay. Just what I needed. (But don't get me wrong, I'll always listen if you need it!)

A third person told me she's so nervous about this exam she can't sleep. So now she got up to do some more studying.

-_-'' Wonders. Thank you for reminding me I'm going to fail.

*sigh*

And tomorrow is Dec 31...

Homecoming

The other day I saw this post 一個幸福的人 on the Adman's Rants blog.  He didn't talk much about the hocc's music or the concert itself, but something perhaps even more important.  His focus was on the fact that so many of hocc's family and friends were there with her, supporting her, and how she has earned the love and respect of all the people around her.

Last night I watched these two videos on youtube and really got that feeling also.  Which other HK artist can have such a carefree concert, mess up, laugh about it, and not be criticized?  Which other HK artist can sing with their parents?  Which other HK artist will bring up all her family and friends on stage?  (lol...and which other HK artist can do an online live broadcast?)

Homecoming.  That's the perfect name for this concert.

Congratulations.

Flashback #62387

Big Bro

“Listen to this big bro......Believe in yourself, as I do believe in you."

There are times when people try to comfort you, and you know they are being polite and don't really mean it. And then there are times people say something, not even in person, but you can feel that they're truly sincere.

Thanks, big bro.

The clock is ticking...

...and I'm slowing down.

My mind is elsewhere, thinking of other things, and it's impossible to study.

The other day I was telling someone how I love Christmas and New Years and everything. That's true, but I left out the part about how it wreaks havoc with my emotions.

Whose brilliant idea was it to put a f**ken exam on the first week of January?!

Touch

Physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted today.

For some reason, the random people and couples that I saw on the streets today made me feel stupid, and lonely, and sorry for myself.

A little tlc would be nice tonight.  A part of me really misses that warmth and physical intimacy.  But, of course, it's impossible.

Perhaps...I just miss you too much...

='(

Merry Christmas, Ol' Buddy!

Nothing like a bit of innocent, heart-warming Calvin and Hobbes...

It looks almost the same, except they're in bed.

If only I had found this earlier.  It would have been absolutely perfect.

(Actually, I cut off the last square so it would remain warm.)

Gifts

9:53PM on Christmas Day, and someone is still asking me what I want for Christmas, even though I've said a million times to her that I don't want anything.

This year, I've received a good amount of cash, and one non-cash gift.  Cash is nice I guess.  (In this case, it'll make up for the hundreds I've had to pay for the stupid exam and stupid ticket.)  But honestly, I'd much rather receive an actual gift.  There's not much excitement in cash, because it's highly unlikely that I'll go and make a big purchase with it.  Chances are it'll go into my bank account.  (Maybe I'm odd?)

But if you ask me what I want, I'll always say I don't want anything.

Or...more correctly...

There is nothing I want that anyone can buy me.
There is nothing I want that anyone can give me.

The things I want...
Only I can earn.

Christmas Lights

Christmas night, another fight.
Tears we cried; a flood.
Got all kinds of poison in, poison in my blood.
Took my feet, to Oxford street, trying to right a wrong.
"Just walk away", those windows say, but I can't believe she's gone.
When you're still waiting for the snow to fall,
It doesn't really feel like Christmas at all.
A group of cameras on there flicker, Oh they flicker and they flow.
And I'm up here holding on to all those chandeliers of hope.
Like some drunkard Elvis singing, I go singing out of tune.
Singing how I always loved you darling, and I always will.
Oh when I'm still waiting for the snow to fall,
It doesn't really feel like Christmas at all.
Still waiting for the snow to fall, It doesn't really feel like Christmas at all.
Those Christmas lights,
Light up the street,
Down where the sea and city meet.
May all your troubles soon be gone.
Oh Christmas lights, keep shining on.
Those Christmas lights, light up the street.
Maybe they'll bring her back to me.
Then all my troubles will be gone,
Oh Christmas lights, keep shining on.
Ohhhhohhhhoohhhohhhhhhhhooohohohohhhhhh
Oh Christmas lights, light up the street.
Light up the fireworks in me.
May all your troubles soon be gone.
Those Christmas lights, keep shining on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

For some reason, the lights just don't seem as bright and pretty as they used to...


For some reason, I scrolled down to your name on my msn list tonight.  For the first time in I don't know how long, I noticed that you changed your nickname.  That familiar name that I came to know since the beginning is no longer there.  But, at least that lets me know that maybe you still do use that account.  It's just that I'll never know if you're there or not.


Tonight I said a little prayer for you...
Because that means a lot to me...
Because that's something important that we shared...
Because that's the least I can do for you.


I can guess that you'll go to church tonight...
Or spend it with the significant other in your life...


Merry Christmas, my dear friend...wherever you are...


God bless.


[.........]

12/23

Sick.
Tired.
Frustrated.

Mind and heart is elsewhere...

12/22

Except for the horrendous amounts of people at the mall, it really doesn't feel like Christmas.

I've received one non-cash gift.
I'm sitting here studying.
I'm starting to get sick.

Life's great.

It suddenly occurs to me that today is December 22. And along with that comes a rather horrible memory.

It suddenly occurs to me that it's been a week since I mailed my card. It should have arrived at it's destination.

I wonder...

Don't think.
Don't feel.

That's the way to get through life.

5 of 7

Term 5 of 7 is officially done. Only 2 more terms left. Four months of work and three months of school, and that'll complete my degree. Kinda scary. Hopefully everything will be okay. I can't afford to mess up on anything, because that will also disqualify me from writing this upcoming exam. The 'funny' thing is, we'll never know if we're actually eligible until after we write it. If only the profs could be a little more efficient.

Work is also done for the year. The boss is going away on vacation next week. Once again, I'll be the one doing the regular checks on his office while he's gone. The big thing this time is that his heating system is at risk of breaking down. Fingers crossed that nothing will happen while he's gone! And thanks to the doc for a great big Christmas present, as usual. The greatest boss ever.

My holidays officially start. Meaning my studying marathon also officially starts. Somehow, I need to relearn everything I should have learned these past two years in two weeks. x_x This is gonna be lots of fun. I'm still reluctant to start studying, because I really do need a bit of a break. But the pressure really is on this time. Failing this exam means screwing up the integration with the program, means postponing the rest of the CA path, and means possibly losing the full-time job I've tentatively secured. I really gotta do this.

Tonight's plans got cancelled. I guess that's not so bad. Too bad there are other people at home tonight. I really could use some time alone. The irony is that I want some time alone, but once I get it, my mind gets flooded with thoughts, which is also not a good thing.

For the first time in many years, we actually put up a Christmas tree. But looking at that tree, I don't feel anything. I used to love Christmas, because of the warm and happy atmosphere everywhere. But now it really doesn't matter anymore. Christmas or not, it's all the same.

Thank goodness I'll be buried in my books throughout the holidays.

With Every Wish for a Happy Holiday.....

I took a long time to think about what I wanted to write, but in the end, there was only two very simple lines. After putting it down in ink, I started to regret it already, because there's so much more that I actually want to say. But sometimes, maybe less is more, and this is as far as I can go.

The last time I sent something, I included my business card, but did not write anything more. It was my way of telling my story without any words. Perhaps that's the best way.

I really wanted to write about all the things going on in my life right now. I really wanted to ask how things are. I really wanted to ask for prayers and good wishes.

But most of all, I just want to show that I care.

This morning I sealed the envelope and dropped it into the mail. It should be on its way now. Hopefully, the receiver will still smile upon receiving it.

Hope that you are safe, healthy and happy.

Merry Christmas, my dear friend.

[...........]

Weekend Chats

Before I get started studying for the rest of my exams, I just had to take a note of all these 'awesome' conversations I've had or heard this weekend......

The conversation between the two girls that I'll be working with in January.....

R:  So what are you guys doing over the holidays?

S:  I'm going to Montreal and Vancouver.

R:  Nice!  Montreal has hot French guys!

S:  Really?  That's what I've heard.  Are they really cute?

R:  Yea, the guys are cute.

S:  What about the girls?

R:  I don't know.  I don't notice girls.

S:  Oh.  Cuz I've never had experience with a guy before.

(Am I reading too much into this or what?  I think S actually admitted something, but I didn't hear that part too clearly. And they were a bit drunk. lol.)

Phone call with my friend/classmate....

M:    I feel so confused!  I still don't get the JV stuff.

Me:  Umm....I haven't looked at it yet.

M:    I spent so much time on it, but I still don't get it.

Me:  Umm....I'll call you back after I read it.

M:    I'm so screwed for the exam tomorrow.

Me:  Umm.....the exam's not tomorrow, it's Tuesday.

M:    What???.....No....it's tomorrow.

Me:  No, it's Tuesday.  Didn't you check the schedule?

M:    What?  No.  I assumed it's on Monday.

Me:  Ah....no.

M:   Oh.  Alright.  Then I'm gonna go relax a bit.

(lol...and J also thought it was tomorrow.  What's wrong with everyone?)

lol....time to start studying.

Snowy Days

Watching the snow...
Thinking of you...

Thinking of the times I sat on your sofa...
With you by my side...
With a cup of tea that you made me...
With the TV muted...
Watching the snow fall...

Silence...
Warmth...
Peace.

That's all I really want.

"Group"

My last assignment for the term has just been sent out.

It was a group assignment...but my group is mostly nonexistent.

I've been working on this since 11am (yesterday).
I've spent 8 hours editing.
I've re-written half the paper.

Some group.

I know the references are a mess and we'll get docked for it, but at this point, the format is totally over my head and I really don't care anymore. So they were relying on me to do it. But seriously, I've done 10x more than my share. Blame someone else.

Hopefully, the person who is responsible for printing and handing it in at 9am will at least go and do that.

FML

Flashback

Passed by the gym this morning where all the undergrads were writing exams...

Thought of the times when I was one of them.....

Walking to Varisty Arena or the AC and having to wait outside in the cold...

Having to figure out which of the four sections I was supposed to be at...
(They always used NE, NW, SE, SW, just to confuse everyone.)

Choosing a seat towards the back corner, because I hate having people behind me...

Always being in some stupid hall that didn't have a clock...

Feeling defeated after the exam....

Taking a walk in the wintry streets downtown before heading to the subway.....

Then and now...

Everything's so different.
But everything's still the same.

Speechless

Every time, it seems like there is less and less for me to write. It's not that I have nothing to say, but I'm afraid that what I really want to say will be too much. What I can say, I've already done so. So is there nothing left for me to write?

Rationally, I'm never hoping for anything or expecting anything. All I want to do is show that I care, because I really do. Emotionally, a part of me is hoping for a miracle.

Maybe I'm being annoying?
Maybe I'm sending the wrong message?
Maybe I'm causing trouble?

Maybe...I shouldn't be doing this at all...?

*sigh*

Running out of time...
What to do?

Somewhere Out There...

With all the cartoons going up on fb over the weekend in support of the child abuse campaign, I thought of this again.

It doesn't draw up that many childhood memories, but something else.

It's about pain.
It's about love.
It's about faith.

Believe...even if you can't see it.

Perhaps I will never know and never see.
But there are things I firmly believe.

A part of me...

Heard this old old S Club 7 song on the radio today. I remember at one point in time, I liked this song. But today, for the first time, after having heard it a million times, I actually noticed what the lyrics say.

Kind of ironic that this song comes to me at this time. The video is very wintry and sort of Christmas-ish. And these few days I've been trying to figure out what to write in this card I'm about to send out.

These lyrics...say so much of what I wish I could write/say...

I never had a dream come true
Till that day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where love takes me to
A part of me will always be with you

Who?

Lover?
Someone special?
Friend?
Stranger?

Who are you to me?
I have an answer somewhere inside.

But who was I to you?
And who am I to you now?

C AllStar - 天梯

There seems to be a lot of hype around this song lately...

It's a nice song and video I guess.

Looking at something like this makes me feel like a coward. What am I afraid of? Why am I not doing anything? Do I love you enough?

................

Me and My "Bad" Driving...

My family has had such bad luck with driving these two years.  So many things gone wrong.

In all the eight years that I've been driving, nothing happened until last year.

The first one last summer was my fault.  I admit.

The second one I still don't get.
The third one was stupid.

And now a fourth one...which I think is really unfair and am very pissed about!!!

WHY???

(And now my mind is totally elsewhere and is never going to focus on this quiz and exam I have tomorrow. F**k.)

After the Cake...

Today was M's bday. I made a card, bought a cake, and paid for dinner.

There was no present. There usually never is, unless I know very specifically that there is something she wants or needs. But everything I did, I truly meant, with all my heart, and just wanted to make her happy.

M seemed happy and satisfied with it.

But...a part of me can't help but wonder...what is she really thinking when I do all these things for her?  Is she really happy that I care?  Or does she still think that I'm doing things to compensate or hide something?  In the end, perhaps everything I do amounts to nothing.