While having dinner the other night, R told me that a while ago she went to see a psychic. And it was really accurate. The psychic said she would go to a certain place, and that's where her bf had planned for their trip. The psychic said she would find a job in 3 days, weeks, months or years, and she started her job exactly three weeks later. The psychic predicted other things, and they all seemed right.
After hearing this, I told R I was surprised she went and did this. For me, I'd rather not know. Her explanation was that she did it because she felt lost at the time and needed some reassurance. I guess that's true. At least you have an idea of whether things will happen or not.
Thinking about it now, I lied. I'd rather not know, but I do want to know. Like R, simply because there are so many things I'm unsure of and I want some reassurance. Now I keep thinking about this.
Will I pass these exams? Will I work where I work now? Am I stuck here for good? Will things change? Will there be someone?
What does the future hold?
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
R.I.P.
http://silentvoice421.blogspot.com/2010/05/life-is-fragile.html
As ill as he was, he and his wife continued life normally with their son. They continued all the activities they normally did, so that that the son would continue to be happy. The son never knew anything. Perhaps even if he did know, he would not understand.
The doc said 3 months, but he made it through 7.
God bless the wife and son.
R.I.P.
As ill as he was, he and his wife continued life normally with their son. They continued all the activities they normally did, so that that the son would continue to be happy. The son never knew anything. Perhaps even if he did know, he would not understand.
The doc said 3 months, but he made it through 7.
God bless the wife and son.
R.I.P.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Love is...
It's really something when you can be so close to someone, in complete silence, that you can hear and feel nothing but their heartbeat and breathing.
Take me back to the time...
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Lethargy
Why am I so tired these days?
Why do I keep waking up in the middle of the night?
And where the heck is my mind?
I hate this.
*sigh*
Why do I keep waking up in the middle of the night?
And where the heck is my mind?
I hate this.
*sigh*
Monday, January 24, 2011
The Results - Part II
Got my exam results in the mail today, but it wasn't very interesting. There are no actual marks or grades because they only use deciles. Overall, I guess it was pretty good. From their rankings, I'm really good at MDM, but I suck at GRSM. But then again, GRSM was the first and smallest section. I'm not really surprised by that. I really wish they would give a little more detailed results.
Class grades were released last week. Overall, it was a pretty good term. Ironically, my lowest mark was in the class that had all open book exams. (How embarrassing.) But the most surprising was tax, where I somehow went from barely passing the midterm to getting an A. Weird, but awesome!
Both of those are over and done with now. Time to start coordinating things with my study buddies in preparation for the next exam.
Class grades were released last week. Overall, it was a pretty good term. Ironically, my lowest mark was in the class that had all open book exams. (How embarrassing.) But the most surprising was tax, where I somehow went from barely passing the midterm to getting an A. Weird, but awesome!
Both of those are over and done with now. Time to start coordinating things with my study buddies in preparation for the next exam.
Friday, January 21, 2011
The Results - Part I
For whatever reason, I couldn't sleep last night. Woke up at around 5am, and then slept a bit on and off until getting up at 7am. Was it because I was nervous? I don't know.
The morning seemed really long. I kept looking at the clock, but time seemed to pass by really slowly. By 9:30am, a bunch of people started texting me, because everybody was getting so anxious. At 9:55am, one particular person, literally, sent me a message every minute, counting down the time. I also found out that the employers already had the results at 9am, but we had to wait until 10am. There I was, sitting at my seat at work, clicking the refresh button every minute. Yes, this is how nerve-wrecking the whole process is.
10AM. The first page had a bit of info. 820 people passed the exam. Overall, the results were better than the previous sitting in May. That part was a little disturbing, because if the overall results are better, that means you need to do better to pass. Scrolled through the list of people that passed. Thankfully, my name was there. The detailed results should be on its way in the mail.
The 'funny' thing is a lot of people must be wondering if I passed or not, because they wouldn't have found my name on the list, since it's not under the name I usually use. And yes, the list is publicly available, meaning the whole world knows who passed and who didn't. I looked through the list and the people that I hang out with most all passed. But I can think of one or two people whose names weren't there.
Of course, the most common status on fb today was "PASSED!!!". I guess it's great to share the good news with all your friends. But thinking about the few people that didn't pass, I really didn't think it was that appropriate. We all struggled through this together, it's great that I'm moving forward, but I hate to see other people being 'left behind'. In the end, they are my friends and classmates. I sincerely hope that we all make it through.
As before the exam, I was a little disappointed at my family's reaction. I called home and told them the results, but they really didn't seem that interested. Coincidentally, someone from HK called tonight and remembered I had previously written this exam. When I told her I passed, someone in my house said, "It's only the first one", as if it meant nothing. *sigh* Sometimes I really wonder why I am going through all this. In the end, what is it worth?
1/3 of the way there.
Part 2 begins. And this time, only half of us will make it.
The Wait
The final hours of this two-week wait.
In about 9 hours, the results from the exam will be released. Like a lot of other people, I've been counting down the hours the whole day today. Time seems to have stopped.
The brutal part is I'll be at work when this happens, and everybody will be asking about it. The awkward part is having to deal with the rest of my classmates.
Everybody's watching.
Getting a little tense inside. But what can I do?
Wrong time.
Wrong place.
If only my 'backstage friend' was around...
In about 9 hours, the results from the exam will be released. Like a lot of other people, I've been counting down the hours the whole day today. Time seems to have stopped.
The brutal part is I'll be at work when this happens, and everybody will be asking about it. The awkward part is having to deal with the rest of my classmates.
Everybody's watching.
Getting a little tense inside. But what can I do?
Wrong time.
Wrong place.
If only my 'backstage friend' was around...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Missing Sunrise
Last week, I had originally planned a trip to the Falls with three friends. Everything was all ready to go. And then one person backed out. -_-'' Left behind, were me, R and her bf. With such an awkward situation, I called it off completely.
Disappointing.
There were a few things I wanted to do at the Falls. The first is skating, since they have a rink there now. The second is drinking, since I'd be away from home/parents. (Although there is still some 'danger' with drinking with these ppl.)
But most of all, I wanted to see the sunrise and get a picture, to 'match' the one above.
After all these years, I finally have a chance to go there.
But in the end, it would never be the same.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Week 1
It's been a boring week so far. We've been given the task of converting files to the new system. For the past three days, I've averaged about a hundred files per day. It's stupid, tedious, mechanical work that nobody wants to do. So, of course, we get to do it. Luckily, it should all be done by tomorrow morning.
The next two days are going to be somewhat stressful. Marks for the last term are going to be released tomorrow. I already know I didn't fail any courses, so I guess it's okay. Results for the exam are going to be released online on Friday. Not looking forward to that. Why must the ICAO release results online during business hours?! Brutal.
The next two days are going to be somewhat stressful. Marks for the last term are going to be released tomorrow. I already know I didn't fail any courses, so I guess it's okay. Results for the exam are going to be released online on Friday. Not looking forward to that. Why must the ICAO release results online during business hours?! Brutal.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
John Paul II
John Paul II will officially be a saint on May 1st, four years after his death on April 2, 2005.
http://www.thestar.com/news/world/article/921756--john-paul-ii-one-step-away-from-sainthood
For some reason, I always had the date April 6th in my head.
Too bad the record is lost forever.
http://www.thestar.com/news/world/article/921756--john-paul-ii-one-step-away-from-sainthood
For some reason, I always had the date April 6th in my head.
Too bad the record is lost forever.
Treasures #2
This t-shirt isn't exactly what I found, but it's related.
I once bought a stuffed animal for the little shirt that it wore because it said, "Somebody at U of T loves me". The stuffed animal was ugly and I couldn't even tell what it is. I took the shirt and put it on another stuffed animal and mailed it off to its 'rightful' owner.
I guess I was trying to finish some unfinished business. I guess I was trying to send a message. I guess I was trying to leave a piece of me there.
For some reason, I forgot to take a picture of him before sending him off.
I wonder where he is now...
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Lost and Delirious
Clicking around on youtube and came across this movie. It's interesting that the main story is told through the eyes of a third person. Sad ending though.
At the lowest point of my life, I once thought that the 'perfect' solution was for me to exit the game. If I cannot have both, and cannot choose either, then I'd rather choose neither and end it all for everyone. It's selfish, but at that point, I really didn't care anymore, I just wanted it to end.
But here I am...still...no better off.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Treasures #1
While cleaning out the basement the last few days and throwing out a lot of old toys, this is one of the things I decided to keep. A Transformers toy from about 20 years ago.
I got this for my birthday when I was five or six. At the time, I played with the boy that lived upstairs. My parents bought me and him each a Transformers toy. For some reason, I still remember the boy telling me that I put the sticker on the toy the wrong way, making the Transformer a bad guy. Then, I had no clue what he was talking about. And now, I still don't get it. lol.
This Transformer has sat in my basement for almost 20 years. Over the years, probably around ten different kids have played with it while growing up at my house. Every now and then, the pieces go missing because the kids have thrown them into random boxes and places. But every time, the pieces somehow all come back together.
When the last kid left last summer and I tried to put the Transformer together, the head was missing. I looked all over the place and couldn't find it. I thought it was gone for good. But today, while my mom was saying that the kids probably mistakenly took the head piece home, I opened a box of lego, and there it was.
After ten kids and twenty years, he's still in one piece.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Loving Annabelle
Randomly came across this movie last night and ended up watching it. Think I saw the trailer a long time ago, but never watched it until now. Short, simple movie, but a lot of things hit close to home: relationship, age difference, family, religion, etc.
What makes a relationship forbidden? What's a big age gap? When is family a priority? When does religion matter?
All are questions I cannot answer.
In so many ways, it was 'wrong'. Somehow, I fell for someone of the same sex, much older than me, much more educated than me, and from a different background, and began a relationship that totally goes against my family and religion. Yet, nothing ever felt so natural, so right.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
A-Lin - 給我一個理由忘記
給我一個理由忘記
曲：游政豪
詞：鄔裕康
雨都停了 這片天灰什麼呢
我還記得 你說我們要快樂
深夜裡的腳步聲 總是刺耳
害怕寂寞 就讓狂歡的城市陪我關燈
只是哪怕周圍再多人 感覺還是一個人
每當我笑了 心卻狠狠的哭著
給我一個理由忘記 那麼愛我的你
給我一個理由放棄 當時做的決定
有些愛 越想抽離卻越更清晰
而最痛的距離 是你不在身邊 卻在我的心裡
當我走在去過的每個地方 總會聽到你那最自由的笑
當我回到一個人住的地方 最怕看到冬天你最愛穿的那件外套
只是哪怕周圍再多人 感覺還是一個人
每當我笑了 心卻狠狠的哭著
給我一個理由忘記 那麼愛我的你
給我一個理由放棄 當時做的決定
有些愛 越想抽離卻越更清晰
而最痛的距離 是你不在身邊 卻在我的心裡
我找不到理由忘記 大雨裡的別離
我找不到理由放棄 我等你的決心
有些愛 越想抽離卻越更清晰
而最痛的距離 是你不在身邊 卻在我的心裡
我想你
The title and lyrics of this song caught my attention. I have too much free time on my hands these few days. My thoughts are all over the place and it's dragging me down. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. Just want to sleep, so I stop thinking. But even that seems impossible.
*sigh*
Sunday, January 9, 2011
2010 Recap
I sat here and thought about 2010 for a while, and I really don't have anything interesting to say about it.
January to April was my first real full-time position, even though it was just for co-op. I was a little skeptical about working there at first, because I still prefer a more Asian environment. (No, I'm not racist. It's just more comfortable in some ways.) This work environment requires me to be a little more social than I would like to be, so sometimes it's a bit tiring. Except for that, I think I did pretty good for my first work term. At least, I impressed them enough that I got work directly from the partners sometimes and they indicated that they think I have a lot of potential with the firm. Tentatively, I've already secured a full time position for after graduation. I guess this is the one big thing that takes a lot of weight off my shoulder. But, of course, I still have to make it through all the exams.
May to July was the third school term in the program, and my worst. I guess I didn't work hard enough. I guess I thought too highly of myself. In the end, everything turned out okay, but I would have liked to do better. After all, there is some cash at stake for getting good grades i this program. The only highlight was that my group got second place in the case competition.
August was spent in HK. Except for one particular incident, I guess the trip was good. I enjoyed seeing family and friends. To some extent, I walked away with some thoughts about certain things. There is something that I hope to do, but it's not going to be easy.
September to December was just another school term. To some extent, it was an easier term, since there was only six courses. I'm fairly confident that I aced one of the courses. But I'm not so sure I even passed another. The highlight is that my team has a chance of winning another competition. But that's still up in the air.
After December exams came two weeks of intense studying. I never felt so stressed out about an exam in a long long time. I never felt so nervous about an exam. At some point in those two weeks, I really just wanted to say 'f**k it' and forget it all. But I guess with the support of all my buddies, it's all done now. Hopefully, all that will pay off.
The things I want to do, I still haven't done. The problems that existed before still exist. I guess nothing is getting worse (except maybe my sanity?), and nothing has really changed or improved. Sometimes, I really don't know what the point is. Just going through life, day by day, with nothing interesting and nothing to look forward to. Perhaps I am taking steps towards a potentially successful career now, but everything is meaningless if there's nobody to share it with.
I'm tired. I don't know how much longer I can last.
When can I really rest?
January to April was my first real full-time position, even though it was just for co-op. I was a little skeptical about working there at first, because I still prefer a more Asian environment. (No, I'm not racist. It's just more comfortable in some ways.) This work environment requires me to be a little more social than I would like to be, so sometimes it's a bit tiring. Except for that, I think I did pretty good for my first work term. At least, I impressed them enough that I got work directly from the partners sometimes and they indicated that they think I have a lot of potential with the firm. Tentatively, I've already secured a full time position for after graduation. I guess this is the one big thing that takes a lot of weight off my shoulder. But, of course, I still have to make it through all the exams.
May to July was the third school term in the program, and my worst. I guess I didn't work hard enough. I guess I thought too highly of myself. In the end, everything turned out okay, but I would have liked to do better. After all, there is some cash at stake for getting good grades i this program. The only highlight was that my group got second place in the case competition.
August was spent in HK. Except for one particular incident, I guess the trip was good. I enjoyed seeing family and friends. To some extent, I walked away with some thoughts about certain things. There is something that I hope to do, but it's not going to be easy.
September to December was just another school term. To some extent, it was an easier term, since there was only six courses. I'm fairly confident that I aced one of the courses. But I'm not so sure I even passed another. The highlight is that my team has a chance of winning another competition. But that's still up in the air.
After December exams came two weeks of intense studying. I never felt so stressed out about an exam in a long long time. I never felt so nervous about an exam. At some point in those two weeks, I really just wanted to say 'f**k it' and forget it all. But I guess with the support of all my buddies, it's all done now. Hopefully, all that will pay off.
The things I want to do, I still haven't done. The problems that existed before still exist. I guess nothing is getting worse (except maybe my sanity?), and nothing has really changed or improved. Sometimes, I really don't know what the point is. Just going through life, day by day, with nothing interesting and nothing to look forward to. Perhaps I am taking steps towards a potentially successful career now, but everything is meaningless if there's nobody to share it with.
I'm tired. I don't know how much longer I can last.
When can I really rest?
The Walk
Didn't sleep well last night. Woke up numerous times. Maybe because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get up for work. Maybe because of this dream, which is somewhat similar to the one from a while ago. Strange.
It was a sunny day. I was walking on a path, outdoors, in a park-like place. My family was there too. Even my aunts, uncles and grandparents. There was some guy that I seemed to be close with. And X was there too. X and the guy were walking in front. I was walking a little further back, by myself. A bunch of other people were walking behind me, chatting.
For whatever reason, I sped up to catch up with X and the guy. The three of us were talking. I'm not sure about what, but it was just a normal, friendly conversation. At some point in time, I put my arm around the guy's shoulder. At some other point in time, I was tugging at X's arm, and eventually had my arms around her neck.
Later on, we reached some place that had benches and everyone sat down to rest. I was sitting alone, and then joined by my mom and aunts. My mom started talking to me. Eventually, she mentioned that she could tell I don't like the guy, because the way I interact with him was simply a friendly way. Then she went on to mention how it was different from how I interact with X.
The conversation was very calm. There was no indication that she approved or disapproved about me and X, but her tone of voice suggested that she was okay. Just a normal, casual conversation. But those were the only comments.
What happens next?
So strange, and so impossible, like the other dream. How could X and my family be in the same scene that is not a disaster of an argument?
Why must I dream about such things?
*sigh*
It was a sunny day. I was walking on a path, outdoors, in a park-like place. My family was there too. Even my aunts, uncles and grandparents. There was some guy that I seemed to be close with. And X was there too. X and the guy were walking in front. I was walking a little further back, by myself. A bunch of other people were walking behind me, chatting.
For whatever reason, I sped up to catch up with X and the guy. The three of us were talking. I'm not sure about what, but it was just a normal, friendly conversation. At some point in time, I put my arm around the guy's shoulder. At some other point in time, I was tugging at X's arm, and eventually had my arms around her neck.
Later on, we reached some place that had benches and everyone sat down to rest. I was sitting alone, and then joined by my mom and aunts. My mom started talking to me. Eventually, she mentioned that she could tell I don't like the guy, because the way I interact with him was simply a friendly way. Then she went on to mention how it was different from how I interact with X.
The conversation was very calm. There was no indication that she approved or disapproved about me and X, but her tone of voice suggested that she was okay. Just a normal, casual conversation. But those were the only comments.
What happens next?
So strange, and so impossible, like the other dream. How could X and my family be in the same scene that is not a disaster of an argument?
Why must I dream about such things?
*sigh*
Friday, January 7, 2011
1/7
Out running around all day today doing errands with my mom. Some of the things she said have really got me a little worried.
Over lunch, she suddenly asked me about the exam I wrote the other day, and whether I was confident that I would pass. I didn't really know what to say. I didn't want to make her worry. But I also didn't want to say that I'm confident, because I really don't know. The conversation continued on to the other exams I'll be writing, and then somehow lead to talking about K's issues again.
With things going along, I mentioned that I was planning a trip with a few friends. As I expected, she was perfectly fine about it and encouraged me to go. What I thought was weird was that she said I should go "散下心". That sounded really strange to me. Does she think I'm unhappy? Or, specifically, does she know that I still think about X?
After that, I began to get a little paranoid again. After all this time, there are still a lot of problems between us, even though nobody talks about it. Every time I put my arm around her shoulder or her arm, a million things run through my head. I wonder what she is thinking and a part of me wants to pull back and let go.
I hate this feeling.
Why can't we just get this over and done with? Why can't we just have an open conversation and deal with this once and for all?
It's never going to end.
Over lunch, she suddenly asked me about the exam I wrote the other day, and whether I was confident that I would pass. I didn't really know what to say. I didn't want to make her worry. But I also didn't want to say that I'm confident, because I really don't know. The conversation continued on to the other exams I'll be writing, and then somehow lead to talking about K's issues again.
With things going along, I mentioned that I was planning a trip with a few friends. As I expected, she was perfectly fine about it and encouraged me to go. What I thought was weird was that she said I should go "散下心". That sounded really strange to me. Does she think I'm unhappy? Or, specifically, does she know that I still think about X?
After that, I began to get a little paranoid again. After all this time, there are still a lot of problems between us, even though nobody talks about it. Every time I put my arm around her shoulder or her arm, a million things run through my head. I wonder what she is thinking and a part of me wants to pull back and let go.
I hate this feeling.
Why can't we just get this over and done with? Why can't we just have an open conversation and deal with this once and for all?
It's never going to end.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
CA Round 1
Four years of knowledge packed into a year of courses, crammed into your brain in two weeks, and then your fate decided in four hours. What can I say? It's finally over and done with, for now. Now, is an equally treacherous two weeks of waiting to see if you make the cut. If so, then round two begins. If not, then it's back to square one.
The catch...results will be released while I'm at work...where it matters. So, either I prove myself in front of everyone, or cut my chances of landing that full-time job.
Judging from the environment today, I would estimate that there were somewhere around ten thousand people writing this exam around the province. From what I've heard, that means I need to beat at least two thousand of them to pass. Did I do that? I really don't know.
The exam was not what we expected. The parts that we thought would be difficult seemed easier. But that might mean we missed the tricks. The parts that we thought would be easy were more complex than expected. Overall, that messed up everyone's timing. Myself included. As with most people, I guessed on some of the more difficult questions to save time for the ones I should be able to get right. I guess that's not so bad, since it seemed to be a problem for everyone.
It's been a while since I've had to study so hard for an exam. And it's been a while since I've worried so much about an exam. Even when I wrote the MCAT or GMAT back then, it was nowhere close to being this stressful. I guess there wasn't much at stake those two times. But this time, there's a lot of things at risk.
To be honest, I don't care much for the credentials. It's just a stepping stone. What I need is the job. Because everything else in my life depends on it.
Anyhow, it's done.
Apart from the exam itself, there were some more "human" things I noticed today. One good. One bad.
The bad is that I was a little disappointed that I didn't get a single word of encouragement from my family before I left this morning. I really don't think they actually know how difficult this exam is or how nervous I was about this. But I guess that's also partly because they have a very high confidence level in me.
The good is the bonding between people in our program. Everyone seems to be pretty supportive of each other, although in some cases it may be a little superficial. Although scattered throughout the examination hall, everyone in our program went around to encourage, shake hands, or hug each other. That was nice to see. And it was nice to see familiar faces around you during the exam.
Thank you to all the people that shared their study materials with me, and thank you to everyone in my study group.
Thank you to all the people that kept me sane while I was studying, and thank you to all the people who sent their encouragement and best wishes.
The catch...results will be released while I'm at work...where it matters. So, either I prove myself in front of everyone, or cut my chances of landing that full-time job.
Judging from the environment today, I would estimate that there were somewhere around ten thousand people writing this exam around the province. From what I've heard, that means I need to beat at least two thousand of them to pass. Did I do that? I really don't know.
The exam was not what we expected. The parts that we thought would be difficult seemed easier. But that might mean we missed the tricks. The parts that we thought would be easy were more complex than expected. Overall, that messed up everyone's timing. Myself included. As with most people, I guessed on some of the more difficult questions to save time for the ones I should be able to get right. I guess that's not so bad, since it seemed to be a problem for everyone.
It's been a while since I've had to study so hard for an exam. And it's been a while since I've worried so much about an exam. Even when I wrote the MCAT or GMAT back then, it was nowhere close to being this stressful. I guess there wasn't much at stake those two times. But this time, there's a lot of things at risk.
To be honest, I don't care much for the credentials. It's just a stepping stone. What I need is the job. Because everything else in my life depends on it.
Anyhow, it's done.
Apart from the exam itself, there were some more "human" things I noticed today. One good. One bad.
The bad is that I was a little disappointed that I didn't get a single word of encouragement from my family before I left this morning. I really don't think they actually know how difficult this exam is or how nervous I was about this. But I guess that's also partly because they have a very high confidence level in me.
The good is the bonding between people in our program. Everyone seems to be pretty supportive of each other, although in some cases it may be a little superficial. Although scattered throughout the examination hall, everyone in our program went around to encourage, shake hands, or hug each other. That was nice to see. And it was nice to see familiar faces around you during the exam.
Thank you to all the people that shared their study materials with me, and thank you to everyone in my study group.
Thank you to all the people that kept me sane while I was studying, and thank you to all the people who sent their encouragement and best wishes.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The Void
Petrified. That's the word Ms P used to describe the feeling right now, and I couldn't agree more. Nervous. Worried. Scared. Those are all not enough. Petrified, perhaps, is a bit closer.
Last night somebody said the words "let's pray for it" to me. I'm willing to believe that this person really will do it for me.
Years ago, I connected with someone because she saw the word "pray" on my msn. Later on, at a time when she was facing a challenge, she wrote me an email and asked me to pray for her, even though I really had no idea what she was going through. Perhaps it may seem trivial, especially if you don't believe. But I sent her my words of encouragement and really did say a prayer for her. And she made it through.
I really wish I could write an email to that same person and ask her to pray for me this time. I wrote an email with six words. But I don't have the guts to hit send.
Chest pain. But, at the same time, a void.
Pray for me.
Please.
I'm scared.
Last night somebody said the words "let's pray for it" to me. I'm willing to believe that this person really will do it for me.
Years ago, I connected with someone because she saw the word "pray" on my msn. Later on, at a time when she was facing a challenge, she wrote me an email and asked me to pray for her, even though I really had no idea what she was going through. Perhaps it may seem trivial, especially if you don't believe. But I sent her my words of encouragement and really did say a prayer for her. And she made it through.
I really wish I could write an email to that same person and ask her to pray for me this time. I wrote an email with six words. But I don't have the guts to hit send.
Chest pain. But, at the same time, a void.
Pray for me.
Please.
I'm scared.
Beyond Empty
This exam is really taking a toll on me in too many ways...
Knowledge-wise, I don't feel ready. In every mock exam that I do, there is something new. The picky details they ask about in some questions is just ridiculous. You would never have known those details unless you read the entire handbook or income tax act. Having to deal with two set of standards just makes it a million times worse.
Mentally, I'm really frustrated with some of these questions, solutions and explanations. Some questions are ambiguous. Others are like trick questions. If you don't read the sentence the way they want you to read it, you'll get the wrong answer. Some of their answers and explanations are just not convincing.
What's the difference between comparing A to B vs comparing B to A?! I don't agree that passwords shouldn't be long. I don't agree that firewalls don't prevent viruses. I don't agree that voice recognition means biometric. I don't agree that cost is not an important business consideration. And I f**king hate questions that want you to memorize stupid numbers (i.e. 2010 gross up is 45% and DTC is 10/17; 2011 gross up is 41% and DTC is 13/23; government donation credits are 75% for the first 400, 50% for the next 350, 33% for the rest; donation credits are 15% for the first $200 and 29% for excess) WTF!!!
Emotionally, I'm not even sure what I'm feeling anymore. Nervous? For sure. Scared? Yea. But it's more than that, and I can't even find words to describe it.
=(
Knowledge-wise, I don't feel ready. In every mock exam that I do, there is something new. The picky details they ask about in some questions is just ridiculous. You would never have known those details unless you read the entire handbook or income tax act. Having to deal with two set of standards just makes it a million times worse.
Mentally, I'm really frustrated with some of these questions, solutions and explanations. Some questions are ambiguous. Others are like trick questions. If you don't read the sentence the way they want you to read it, you'll get the wrong answer. Some of their answers and explanations are just not convincing.
What's the difference between comparing A to B vs comparing B to A?! I don't agree that passwords shouldn't be long. I don't agree that firewalls don't prevent viruses. I don't agree that voice recognition means biometric. I don't agree that cost is not an important business consideration. And I f**king hate questions that want you to memorize stupid numbers (i.e. 2010 gross up is 45% and DTC is 10/17; 2011 gross up is 41% and DTC is 13/23; government donation credits are 75% for the first 400, 50% for the next 350, 33% for the rest; donation credits are 15% for the first $200 and 29% for excess) WTF!!!
Emotionally, I'm not even sure what I'm feeling anymore. Nervous? For sure. Scared? Yea. But it's more than that, and I can't even find words to describe it.
=(
Monday, January 3, 2011
The things that have kept me sane today...
While pulling out scrap paper for doing my accounting mock exams, I came across these two sheets: journal entries (i.e. solutions) to high school accounting problems that I photocopied from a friend many years ago. Coincidence or what? lol
Along with those, there were...
Papers from genetics research that I worked on
Articles from neuro lab journal club meetings
Grid paper from chem labs
Lecture slides from pharm classes
Re-creations of bio process diagrams
School letters from St Eds
Resumes from past years
Application forms for various things
One other sheet caught my attention, but now's not the time to think about that.
While actually doing the mock exam, I also came across something else. On my school accounting exam, this was the last question:
"Your instructor has two children. What are their names? If you can't remember that, name the universities that they went to. If you blank out and can't think of that either, then what names would you have given them?"
I'm dead serious. That was the last question, worth 5%. And that explains why on the very first class when she was introducing herself and her family, she joked about us not writing down such important information. Question #33 of the mock exam I just finished contained the answer. I spelled the daughter's name wrong and gave the son a different name. But I'm sure I got my 5%.
I've literally done hundreds of MC questions in the last few days. The amount of time that I've spent outside the house in the last week is probably an hour (i.e. the two times I went to check up on my boss's office). The last week has consisted of study,eat and sleep. I said no to lunches, no to dinners, no to shopping, no to everything.
Is this going to pay off? Am I going to make it? I really don't know. In fact, I can't even judge what my chances are, because it's been so inconsistent.
36 hours until death...
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Escape
The other night I had a very strange dream. For the most part, I usually don't remember what I dream about, but I'll remember that I had a dream. The things I do remember are usually very realistic, so much so that I could totally picture it happening in my real life. But this time, it was really weird, and a little disturbing.
I'm not sure where I was or how it all began. But somehow, I was driving in a desert-type environment and was being chased by bears. Lots of bears. There were bears chasing me, and bears along the side of the road. Many times, I was very close to being caught. But I don't know what happened after that, because there was no ending.
What does it all mean? Why did I have such a bizarre dream?! Why bears?!?!
So I looked it up. There were some very specific explanations, and it was not very nice.
Apparently, if you dream that you're being chased by bears, it means that you're avoiding a big issue in your life, and that it's time to deal with it. And apparently, people who have been through painful accidents are prone to dreaming about being chased by bears.
Coincidentally, before going to sleep that night, I was chatting with someone about something that fits perfectly into that explanation.
Am I thinking too much and subconsciously creating this dream in my mind? Or is the dream telling me something about what will happen in my life?
I'm not sure where I was or how it all began. But somehow, I was driving in a desert-type environment and was being chased by bears. Lots of bears. There were bears chasing me, and bears along the side of the road. Many times, I was very close to being caught. But I don't know what happened after that, because there was no ending.
What does it all mean? Why did I have such a bizarre dream?! Why bears?!?!
So I looked it up. There were some very specific explanations, and it was not very nice.
Apparently, if you dream that you're being chased by bears, it means that you're avoiding a big issue in your life, and that it's time to deal with it. And apparently, people who have been through painful accidents are prone to dreaming about being chased by bears.
Coincidentally, before going to sleep that night, I was chatting with someone about something that fits perfectly into that explanation.
Am I thinking too much and subconsciously creating this dream in my mind? Or is the dream telling me something about what will happen in my life?
Saturday, January 1, 2011
12/31
Haven't seen this MV in a long long time...
I couldn't help going back to the old tree hole. For the first time, I realized that there were no posts during this time. Because, at the time, I simply didn't know how to react to what was going on in my life. Somewhere inside, I knew all along what was happening, but I never expected it to become a reality.
I also noticed there were three unposted entries. They contained things that I was afraid to say/write, because I didn't know how my one and only reader would react. Tonight, I hit the "publish" button on two of those posts, from almost five years ago, because I no longer have anything to fear, because nobody would ever read them or even know that they exist. But the last entry...perhaps will never be posted.
Thinking of...
A movie.
A moment.
An email.
Another year. But everything still seems like yesterday. I can see it all replay in my head, over and over again. I hate myself for having hesitated, because that has undermined my sincerity. But I hate myself more for all the pain and fear that I must have put upon the person I love.
*sigh*
Happy New Year, my dear friend.
[......]
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