1/7

Out running around all day today doing errands with my mom. Some of the things she said have really got me a little worried.

Over lunch, she suddenly asked me about the exam I wrote the other day, and whether I was confident that I would pass. I didn't really know what to say. I didn't want to make her worry. But I also didn't want to say that I'm confident, because I really don't know. The conversation continued on to the other exams I'll be writing, and then somehow lead to talking about K's issues again.

With things going along, I mentioned that I was planning a trip with a few friends. As I expected, she was perfectly fine about it and encouraged me to go. What I thought was weird was that she said I should go "散下心". That sounded really strange to me. Does she think I'm unhappy? Or, specifically, does she know that I still think about X?

After that, I began to get a little paranoid again. After all this time, there are still a lot of problems between us, even though nobody talks about it. Every time I put my arm around her shoulder or her arm, a million things run through my head. I wonder what she is thinking and a part of me wants to pull back and let go.

I hate this feeling.

Why can't we just get this over and done with? Why can't we just have an open conversation and deal with this once and for all?

It's never going to end.