People Matters

A night out with my study buddies. Went to the Bloor-Yorkville IceFest for a bit with R, and then had Thai food for dinner with everyone else. IceFest wasn't as great as I expected. Thai food was a little too sour for my liking. But overall, a good night out with the gang.

But the more important things......

Congrats to Mr. N! He and the Mrs are having their second child, due in April! Can't believe he didn't tell us until now!!!

During the night, we started talking about the exams again, and we all realized how stressful this first exam has been for everyone. Everyone here tonight passed, but obviously was really stressed out while studying. Some couldn't sleep. Some didn't sleep. Some just gave up studying. (Me? A few people will know that I was really freaking out too.) That was just Round 1 and we were already so stressed. How are we going to get by the next two exams?!?! A few days ago, in the news, they talked about people getting awards on these exams. Even in the news, they mentioned that the September exam is one of the most difficult professional exams in the world. *sigh* Can I really do this?

The other thing that sort of bugged me tonight was (as usual) the discussion about relationships. When L is there, there is always talk about relationships, which I absolutely hate. And at some point tonight, I realized that I was the one and only single person there. Not all of them came in pairs, but they all had a gf/bf/wife/husband. There are many things that some people said that I don't agree with. Whether it's about dating, finding the right person or getting married, there are things that I can't believe people said. (Who the heck goes around telling people to cheat on their gf/bf?)

But what got to me the most was that everybody seems to think that I don't know anything about relationships. At one point, there was talk about how it's hard to break up with someone. One person claimed that she has a hard time letting go of relationships. And for whatever reason, people just assume that I don't get it.

But I do know. Perhaps better than anyone else.

Bad Start

It's really depressing how much bad news I've heard this month...

I heard about another death today. Kind of freaky. Apparently, my friend got 'home' late last night and found out that someone living in the house was found dead a few hours ago. The man had no history of illness or anything. So what happened to him?!

That's at least the fourth one I've heard about in the last few weeks. I don't actually know any of those people, and it doesn't directly relate to me in any way, but it's still so sad.

To add to that, we had a little 'incident' at home yesterday...

*sigh*

Why is everything off to such a bad start?!

To the future...

My daily dose of horoscopes on iGoogle from tarot.com:

You have been so keenly focused on your status at work that you might have lost sight of your long-term goals. Today it's time to shift gears and start thinking about your future, rather than the present. Naturally, you still must meet any current obligations, but you should be able to do that while also reconnecting with the very same dreams you set aside to get where you are. Don't wait any longer to make a wish that you want to come true

Focused on my status at work? Perhaps. After all, my "life" is on the line.

Lost sight of your long-term goals? Not really. I've given up planning and hoping to some degree. Things never work out the way you want them to. And in my case, there are way too many uncertainties.

Thinking about the future? Yes, but only the near future.

Reconnecting with the dreams? Can I really?

Don't wait any longer? Is that telling me to go ahead?

There is way too much on my mind. Next week will be March. Certain things are happening all over again at a time when I thought I could take some risks. It's time to make a decision.

2/22

When someone compares their relationship with you to that of children, you know they're genuine, because kids are real.

I wonder if the kid went to the playground again this year.

I wonder what toy the kid has now.

Thanks, Doc!

Today marked the end of my part-time job, after almost five years.

I started this job almost five years ago, at the lowest point of my life.  At the time, I wasn't doing so great in school, and there was a huge problem between me and my family.  The only reason I took on this part-time job was to get out of the house and minimize the conflict.  It was a point where the tension in the house was absolutely unbearable.  And it was all the people and events at that point in time that really made me realize that I need to be financially independent ASAP.  (Although, that still hasn't come true yet. -_-'')

It's kind of hard to believe that I worked there so long.  As far as I know, most of the other part-time staff have never stayed more than two years.  I've watched some people come and go.  Others I never met because there's always only one person there at a time.

People always think it's crazy that I've continued this job.  Everyone always complains that our program is so tight that they don't have enough time to study, and I've shaved off another day's worth of time every week.  I guess there were times when it was tiring, but having a great boss helps.  And I guess I can still say I handled it well.  I always laugh when my classmates tell me when they don't have enough time to finish studying or finish work.  My reply is that every week they have one full day more than me to study.  How can you be complaining to me?

My boss has always been great.  He's always paid me well.  He has always encouraged me to bring my books and stuff to study when there's not much to do in the office.  And he's always been very accommodating with my vacations and even last year's work term.  But most importantly, he's been very supportive of what I do outside of his office.  Where do you find a boss like that?

Thanks to the doc!

The Basics

I remember once talking to someone about kids....

Kids are always so innocent, and everything they say and do are pure and genuine.  Kids do not judge people, nor do they have any hidden intentions.  No motives.  No calculations.  No concerns.  Kids are friends with each other and play with each other simply because they want to, and because they simply, and genuinely, like each other.

If only adults could interact like that.....

I like you simply because I like you.  Don't ask why.  I don't have an answer.  There is no reason, and there needn't be one.  Just because.  Maybe it's a first impression.  Maybe it's a gut feeling.  But it's not important at all.  I like you, just because I do.

Why can't it be that simple?

Or...more correctly...

Why can't people accept the fact that it's that simple?

林峯 - 我們很好

I don't particularly like him, but I do admit he sings pretty good for an actor. But the reason for posting this is because I noticed the lyrics of this song when I was watching the tv series a while ago.

林峯 - 我們很好

作曲：鄧智偉
填詞：張美賢
編曲：Johnny Yim
監製：鄧智偉

做夢亦記得　與你初相見那十秒
迷糊地心跳安坐著　都像飄
遠遠看著未來　連動作語氣都太美妙
直到很珍惜的不見了　堡壘也動搖

願望若太多　有信心可以努力過
明明幸福驚天動地　差什麼
說過要你快樂，才令你發覺不再快樂
就算天邊星光給了我　未尋回最初

陪著你一起　但有著距離
如拒我千里　偏偏記起
曾踏遍天地　但抱著自己
拿到了一切　只得痛悲

為現實進取　愛到一雙腳往後退
明明幸福伸手就及　怎樣追
這晚掛念著誰　連愉快說笑都有眼淚
直到天邊星火都散去　感覺如細水

陪著你一起　但有著距離
如拒我千里　偏偏要記起
曾踏遍天地　但愛著自己
拿到了一切　竟想放棄

擁著你一起　但有著距離
唯有隔千里　方可記起
成就了天地　但我問自己
如再抱緊你　怎麼說起 愛你

The saddest thing is when you can hold someone in your arms and still not be able to get rid of the invisible distance, not because they don't love you back, but because of something you can't control.

V-Day Randomness

Sometimes﹐ I wish I knew how to hate you.  Then﹐ maybe I wouldn't hate myself.  But, to me, you'll forever be the angel with the halo over your head.  How could I possibly hate you?  I never did, never could and never will.

*sigh*

Blank.

So much on my mind, but so little to write.  A million questions with no answers.  A million what ifs.  A million images of things that were and things that could have been.

Sat in the dark most of the night listening to music.  Something has really rekindled my love for hocc lately.  But I can't decide if hocc's voice and music is soothing or tantalizing.

Would you want flowers?  Would you want chocolate?  What could I do to make it special for you?  What would you want it to be like?

Is there someone in your life now?

Ironically, I received an email today about an upcoming exam prep class.  It's been tentatively moved from it's original date to March 27th.  This looks like the safest opportunity I'm gonna get.  Perhaps, my chance is coming.

[..............].......as always.

10 Years

Ten years ago, today, he left.

I can still remember that back then, the whole incident didn't really have much meaning to me.  I wasn't there to witness it.  At the time, it was like just another piece of news.  Maybe I was still too young to really understand.  It wasn't until the very last moment that it really hit me that I would never see him again.  I remember crying, but maybe I didn't even know why.

It's been ten years.  As I watch the other people in my family grow old, I think back and wish that things could have been different.  I wish I could have known him better, because it seems that I only have very vague memories of him.  I can remember how he watched World Cup, how he always sat in his chair reading the newspaper, and how he kept a giant collection of toy cars.  But other than that, I can't seem to remember anything.

What a shame.

God bless.

Place of My Own

While out at a client's the other day, we were chatting with some people over lunch, and an interesting discussion started up.

The office assistant, C, was telling us how she was going to move in with her bf soon.  Somewhere along the way, her boss, J, joked that her dad isn't going to like that.  C agreed, because from a cultural perspective, she knew her parents wouldn't like it.  But C said her parents didn't know, yet.  Her plan was to have everything all ready and settled before telling her parents.  That way, they have no choice but to accept it.

My project leader went on to say how he had moved in with his gf almost immediately after graduating from university.  In his case, his parents were perfectly fine with that, and to them, it was a perfectly normal thing to do at that age.

My other colleague also talked about how she just bought a place with her bf last year.  Like C, her parents were really against the decision also.  Like C, she bought the house with her bf before telling her parents about anything.  In the end, her parents didn't speak to her for about three months, but they have finally accepted it now.

The idea of moving out has come across my mind a lot in the last few years, but even now I still don't know how I'd be able to do that.  If everything goes along smoothly, I should be able to afford it financially in the next year or two.  But the bigger problems come from my family.

My decision to move out would imply a lot of things that aren't necessarily (but may be) true.  They would never agree.  For sure, they would think I want to move out because I'm hiding a gf somewhere.  That's ture in the sense that moving out will allow me to do so, but that's not the only reason.  The only valid excuse would be if I found a really good job in some other city.  But, in a sense, that would also defeat the purpose for me.  Perhaps, the way to go is what all these other people have done.  Do it first.  Share the news later, when it's too late for anyone to oppose.

Perhaps, like all these people, I could have forced everyone else to accept my decision.

Sometimes I really wonder how things could have been.  What if I really had left the house and moved in with X back then?  They wanted me to leave, and she was perfectly willing to take me in.  So why not?  Because I didn't have the guts to do it.  Because I worried that things would never be resolved.  Because I didn't want to be a burden to X.

How am I ever going to make things work?

(I once gave another blog post this same title.  The only thing in the post was a picture of a messy apartment.  But my reader knew right away what I meant.  Whether it's a single picture or even an empty page, somehow, it was all understood.)

Neighbours

Whenever I'm tight for time while working on Saturdays, I go to Neighbours inside the Petro Canada gas station right by where I work. It's fast, and the food there is actually suprisingly good.  Most of the time, the tables inside are all taken.

My lunch:  ranch chicken and bacon panini with french vanilla coffee.  Cripsy, buttery bread with lots of stuff inside the sandwich.  Tasty, but probably also pretty fatty.  =P

無情力

你知唔知打人最傷既係乜野呀?
叫做無情力呀!
原本對方諗住唔傷害得你咁深,
但係最尾反而令你唔識點樣去保護自己。
我同勞斯根本唔知乜野係愛,
所以先可以用無情力傷得人咁深, 咁痛。

The stupid things that happened yesterday made me think of this phrase:
言者無心 聽者有意
And for some reason, that made me think of:
無情力
Which reminded me of something that someone wrote.

其實...我真係咁無情咩?
If anyone knows, it would be you.

*sigh*

Mr. Dog and Mr. Cat

This little guy was already barking like crazy when he saw us approaching the house. And then he jumped on me. He's so pretty and so playful! Think I gave him too many snacks. =P

Mr. Cat hid in the kitchen. Poor little guy is so skinny. He must be pretty lonely these days now that he's all alone (with the dog). Stayed in the kitchen and looked out the window the whole time. Not sure if he was purring in a defensive way or friendly way.

When wrongs become right...

I recently had two very serious but interesting conversations with two people.  One was about ONS, and the other was about 3rd persons.

I'm not going to judge what's right or wrong, nor do I think there is an absolute answer.  What was interesting is that in these two conversations, I realized how much my view about these topics have changed.

I used to think ONS is really bad and really could not understand why anyone would want to do it.  Why would you want to have any intimate contact with someone you don't really love?  I really could not imagine that.  But in the last few years, I realized that, sometimes, all you're really looking for is a physical feeling.  It could simply be someone to hug and hold you, or it could be something more.  Perhaps getting some TLC from a stranger is better than none at all.  In the end, if both people know what they're getting into, then maybe it's not a problem.

Last night someone asked me if I would go after someone who already has a partner.  A few years ago, I would say no and the reason would be because I firmly believe that it's wrong to be the 3rd person.  Today, I say no, simply because I would feel guilty for doing it.  But now, I do not necessarily think it's wrong.  It's wrong in the sense that you're breaking up someone's relationship and hurting whoever gets kicked out.  But it's not wrong to fall for someone who's already taken.  In the end, you can't control who you fall for.

If I said these things to some people, they would think I'm crazy and immoral and a lot of other bad things.  But reality is reality.  Not everything works out the way you want it to.  Not everything is black or white.  Grey areas do exist.  But sometimes, you never know until it happens to you.

When it comes to relationships, who can say if you're right or wrong?

In the tunnel...

Seeing as I can save $200 a month by not driving, I've moved back to the good old public transit.  The last time I took the subway regularly was in undergrad.  The last time I took a bus regularly was in high school.  It's hard to switch from driving to taking public transit.  But for $200, it's worth it!

The upside is that this forces me to walk.  From the bus to the subway, the subway to the mall, the mall to the office.  All together, I'm sure I'm getting my 30min of walking/exercise each day.  It's just what I need, considering I've been eating out and being lazy since December.

The downside is that taking public transit means I don't need to focus or pay attention, meaning my mind is free to wander off into space, and that usually means I end up thinking about things I probably shouldn't be thinking about.  Not a good thing.

While on the subway today, I remembered a time when I was on the subway by myself.  Sitting across from me were two fairly good-looking guys with big suitcases in front of them.  It appeared that had just arrived from the airport or something.  But what caught my attention was not their big luggage, but the fact that the two of them sat their quietly, holding hands.  It was subtle, but noticeable.

Many times, when X took the subway with me, we did the same, but only in a way that nobody would see.

It's always these little things that mean so much.

2/1

1...2...3...4......

They say time washes things away.  But it doesn't, especially when there's no closure.

What happened?  Will I ever know?  How can I leave all these things hanging?

Horoscopes always say Taurus people are obsessive.  Perhaps they are right.

And that would explain why I've just written this.