*sigh*

Feeling kinda sh*tty these days.

Guess it's a combination of things...

Work is tiring.
School is about to start again.
Exam is getting closer.
Thoughts on personal stuff.

In so many ways, I've still got nothing and I'm still headed nowhere.

Tired.
Frustrated.
Heavy.

*sigh*
Empty.

Life sucks.

The Big 25

Significant changes in within your personal and professional lives? I can see the professional part. But what will happen in the personal part? Good? Bad?

Look back 11 years. Eleven years ago, I was in high school and life was simple. Since then, I've been through a lot of ups and downs. Probably more downs than ups. Things have changed significantly and since 5 years ago I no longer know where I'm headed. What are the common threads? I don't know. Perhaps that I can't seem to get control over my own life?

A new life and luck cycle. What does that mean? A new life. For sure, since I'm headed out of school and into the workplace, for real this time. Luck? I don't know about that. I've never had much of that.

Meeting someone of significance? Seems unlikely to me.  The truth is.  If I really wanted to, I'm willing to bet that I can.  But realistically and psychologically, I don't know if I could handle it.  Practically, there are still so many barriers.  Psychologically, there's someone still on my mind (however lame that may be after all these years).

The big 25...which means you're headed to the 3's.

My biggest wish this year is to pass all these upcoming exams in one shot.  This entire process is way too expensive and way too stressful to have to go through it again.

My other wish.........did not come true.

If not for all the things that happened, would you really bring me flowers?

*sigh*

Anyhow...thank you to all the wonderful people in my life.

Ciao

If there's anything I'm afraid of, it's having to say goodbye to the people in my life. And sadly, it happened twice today.

It was L's last day at work. I guess I never really chat with her that much because she's all the way on the other side, but she's a nice person. I took the initiative to get her contact info and hopefully stay in touch. That's not like me. But I guess I have some biases.

D and S left tonight. To some extent, their presence puts restrictions on my daily life, but I do like having them here. As much as I need my personal space, I do enjoy having the 'big' family gatherings. Hopefully, it'll happen again soon.

I don't want to say goodbye...

False Freedom

Three days of freedom, indeed, was very nice.  It's been a long time since it's been so quiet and peaceful in the house.  Free to do what I want when I want.  Free to go out or stay in whenever I want.  Free to do things I probably shouldn't be doing.

So what did I do?

Friday.  Absolutely nothing.  I thought about going places.  I thought about calling up a few people.  In the end, all I wanted to do was go home and have some time alone.  In the middle of tax season, I really don't have much energy to be entertaining a group of people.  Watched DVDs for a while.  Played with my guitar for a while.  Chat with some friends for a while.  Nothing more.  Yet, it was perfectly fine.  (Yes, I'm boring and very easily satisfied.)

Saturday.  Ended up going to Playdium with V and playing ticket redemption games.  I can't remember the last time I went to Playdium, or the last time I played those games.  Probably at least like 7 or 8 years ago.  Guess it's sort of 'ridiculous' that we're playing these things that little kids play.  But hey, everyone is a kid inside.

Sunday.  Yet another work day.  Played with my guitar and piano for a while, and realized (yet again) how much I suck at both.  At this moment....sitting here, chatting, enjoying some good music.

Naturally, the consequence of having all this time alone means that my mind goes crazy again, thinking about this and that.

Work.  There are two senior people who seem to really like giving me work.  It's not a bad thing, I guess.  One of them seems to be really friendly with me this year, even though I never worked with her last year.  Not sure why this is bugging me.  I guess simply because it's a little weird.

Social.  I spontaneously invited a chat buddy to meet up the other night.  Not very like me.  No luck though.

And, of course, the usual.  I really had the urge to go and show up at her door on Friday night, knowing that I have 3 days to make it happen and there's nobody in town to stop me.  I don't know if I rejected that idea because I'm afraid of being rejected, afraid of facing her, or afraid of the possibilities.

Last night I pulled out my little buddy from his dungeon and gave him a hug.  He's awesome too, but I wish it were his twin that I could hug.  Or...better yet...

Here I am......going crazy again.....

*sigh*

Half awake...half sober...

Freedom...for three days...

Had the urge to head downtown and just go for a long walk on the streets for no particular reason. Had the urge to take a walk in the park and re-visit some places. Had the urge to do something mischievous...

What would you do if I just showed up at your door one day? (Although that's not entirely possible since there's security.) Would you let me in? Or would you push me away?

Why am I thinking about this when I've just failed yet again?

Every time, I pull out that last bit of hope and courage I have and take a shot at where I want to go. And every time, whether it's intentionally or not, you shut me out, and crush me just a bit more.

It hurts.

But being the idiot I am, I keep at it.

What the f**k am I doing?

Proximity

So much to say, but no words can express what's inside.

I still remember. Every little bit. Every little feeling. Again and again, things re-played in my head today.

Time goes by, but some things haven't changed.

If you'd give me another chance, I'd be a little braver.

What I would give for a moment like this again...

It's official...

I'm hired. Pay and details to be discussed later.

That's definitely a big weight off my back. Now I just have to pass those exams, which isn't going to be easy.

This is great news today, and I'm thankful for all my friends that are happy for me. But...the person that I want to share the news with is missing...

What goes around, comes around.
What I couldn't give then, I won't get now.

I don't deserve it?

Flashback #719436

While chatting with a co-worker today, it suddenly occurred to me that she really looks like X.

For a split second, I was quite surprised and almost forgot what I was saying to her.

I must be going crazy.

Lip Service

To a certain extent, I like this show more than L Word. It's more realistic and, of course, the British accent makes it extra attractive. Guess it's kinda nice that there was sort of a happy ending.

My fave has to be Frankie and Cat. Hits home in so many ways. I look at Frankie and am reminded of all the ways I messed up. *sigh*

Not sure if it's from watching this show, or being tired and busy at work, or the time of the year...

I miss you...

林二汶 信報專欄第十八期 <情人節>

Taken from Eman's facebook note, here.  It sounds all too familiar.  I asked the same thing.  When you love someone, isn't the ultimate goal for them to be happy?  How can you say you love someone if you're trying to force things they don't want on them?

*sigh*

林二汶 信報專欄第十八期 <情人節>
by 林二汶Eman Lam on Tuesday, March 29, 2011 at 3:29pm

情話通常很肉麻，肉麻得來卻沒有真的載著很多愛，多半是為浪漫而咬文嚼字的自大假情話。情人節那天在網上看了段少有入心的情話，演員宋丹丹說：「如果有一天，六十年婚齡的父母說要離婚、女兒從外國回來告訴我她是同性戀、丈夫告訴我他患了愛滋病、兒子抱個私生子回家，那一天，我還是會拉著你的手，摟著你的肩，因為我是真的愛你們，所以你們有真自由。人生很短，你的人生你做主!」

假如我們真的遇上以上的事，多數都會很崩潰的說：「我那麼愛你，你為什麼這樣令我失望！？」愛的人的表現通常跟我們的期望掛勾，你越想對方好，就越大條道理在他表現不如你意時大發雷霆。崩潰背後有很多愛撐腰。這種如此大的關愛，彷彿將所有道理都拿到了自己身上。然而，有誰真的有權這麼審判你，就算那是因愛之名？愛裡面，你願意放下多少自己的期許，誠心祝福你愛的人?

心痛自己所愛的人行差踏錯或似乎「走錯路」，的確讓人擔心得有如被千萬隻螞蟻咬心臟，發脾氣會讓感覺稍為輕一點。不過怒火對人家或是自己都是不溫柔的，一燒就會把彼此都燒著。有時候燒得過份，還會把關係都燒毀。人，很難放下心中那度尺去愛，真的很難，尤其是去量別人那一把。這把尺很難分辨什麼是底線，什麼是自由。宋丹丹的文字提醒了我，愛裡面，這把尺可以不管用。因為尺有限度，但包容可以無量。愛人明明是想他快樂，他快樂了，目標不是達到了嗎？