If ever there is tomorrow...

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you must remember...You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is...even if we're apart...I'll always be with you." (Christopher Robin, Winnie the Pooh)

Feeling lost and weak the other night, I set out to re-visit this quote that someone had given me during the worst times of my life.

But what I found...was...emptiness.

In hopes of finding the quote, even if not in the right place, I came across this video.

I wonder if you've seen it.

Don't take away that last little piece of you...

You said you'll always be here...

='(

Blogger: Blog not found

Last night while I struggled to work and struggled to sleep, I put in that familiar URL to revisit something that would give me the strength to face today's challenge.  But nothing was there.

No matter how many times I pressed 'refresh', this is all I got.  Even today, I still get that same f**king screen.

What do you mean 'not found'? What do you mean 'removed'? This can't be happening.

Behind that address is an important part of my life and a million things that I will never forget: the fights...the tears...the pain......the connection...the laughter...the heart-warming words and pics...the love...

Behind that address is the person that, for all these years, I've never stopped loving.

Have you decided I'm not worth it?  Have you decided to wipe away all those things that were said? Have you decided that this really is the end?

Perhaps, in your eyes, I haven't tried hard enough. But I'm doing what I can, in my way, to get to where I want to be.

What are you thinking?

Please don't take this away from me.

It's all I have left.

='(

The Last Hours

9 hours and counting...

Ready? I don't know. Can't really judge whether what I know is enough. Can't really judge what kind of trick they're going to throw.

Nervous? Yes. But strangely calm, at least on the outside. Unless you're one of us, you cannot understand how stressful this is. It's best not to impose my stress on other people.

I ignored a phone call or two today. Quite honestly, I don't need to hear about how stressed out you are when I'm already tense as hell.

Not sure if this exam is bugging me more, or the other things...

Everything always seems to crash at once...

Good luck to myself...and lots of it.

The world is spinning...

Only two days left. But it seems I've lost my motivation. There's just way too much on my mind.

Nervous? Yes. But not quite so much as in Dec/Jan. Perhaps because it's impossible to judge what kind of score I will get. Perhaps because through this month, I know I'm doing relatively okay. But my reputation and the $1,000 fee is at stake, so the stress is still there.

Not sure if it's because of all the things I've read lately, or the person that has attracted my attention, or another realization of how far I still am from my destination, or something else. But something has stirred up all the things inside that I've so carefully tried to keep contained and controlled.

My mind is so full of all the memories again. Am I thinking of you because I'm stressed? Or am I stressed because I'm thinking of you?

I just don't know anymore.

Accusations

Noticed a friend was quite upset/angry today after being accused of something quite insulting. I don't know this person very well, but based on what I do know through our chats, I know the accusation was not warranted at all.

Why do I care? Because I hate seeing my friends getting put down. Because I have a certain amount of trust in this person's character. Because somewhere, sometime, I was accused of something similar, and know what it feels like.

Nobody has the right to make such an insulting/degrading accusation.

Adele - Love Song

Love this song. The feeling, the lyrics...

I'm sure I've heard this song a million times by now. But by chance, the other day, I actually paid attention.

The first few lines made me 'freeze'...

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

On a day in June some time ago, someone wrote words to me that had the same meaning.

There's a lot of things that someone can say to you to tell you that he/she cares, that he/she loves you, that you're important to him/her. But using the words 'home' and 'whole' gives it a much deeper meaning, because there is an implication that you are a vital part of his/her life, and that you are a vital part of him/her. And that really means something.

Years later, these are still the words that I wish I could say.

The End of 'School'

The end of an 'important' three weeks. 'Important' because it is a crucial part of this process, but, otherwise, not all that useful.

What I take away from these three weeks...

Academically or professionally:
(1) I know very very little.
(2) Still not sure what my chances are.
(3) There should be a lot of interesting career opportunities.
(4) 'We' are very well respected people.
(5) There is a really high level of responsibility involved with this.

Personally:
(1) I still don't know why I'm here.
(2) I'm probably not working hard enough.
(3) I'm not interested in money or status.
(4) There are some ppl that really piss me off.
(5) That girl at my table...

One of my instructors this week asked two questions...

Day 1, he asked, "Why are you here?" Answers ranged from challenges, to job security, to money, to I don't know. Having to say something that hadn't already been said, I said 'career'. But quite honestly, I know quite well that there are many things that are much more important to me than a career. In fact, I would give up a career in exchange for other things that I care about.

Today, the last day, he asked, "What would you do if you weren't here?" Answers ranged from athletes, to teachers, to chefs. My answer was pharmaceuticals, because that is the most likely reality. In my mind, that brings back the question of business vs science again. But perhaps, neither of those are what I really want.

Life has been too tiring these past couple of years. A lot of losses. A lot of sadness. A lot of pain. I don't care much for a career, or money, or status. All I really want is a simple life with the right person, because I firmly believe that there is nothing more important than this.

Four days left...

Darkness

Long long day...

Waited for the bus...
Watched the night fall...
Watched the darkness engulf everything...
Watched the fog fade away the world...

Calm. Peaceful. But, at the same time, disturbing.

All of a sudden...
You feel the loneliness...
You feel the emptiness...

And that heart-wrenching feeling comes back all over again.

When Night is Falling...

...the mind and heart wanders...

What I didn't understand then, I understand now.
What I didn't feel then, I feel now.

This feeling, itself, is hard to take.

But to know that this is what you thought and felt then, when I was still rather clueless, is unbearable.

盧凱彤 - 掀起

I've been waiting for Ellen to release a CD for a long time now. And finally, it happened. For many reasons, it's quite a surprise: her image is very different, most of the songs are in mandarin and the music style is not what I expected from Ellen. It's not at17 style. It's not really the rocker Ellen style I expected. It's very PMPS style. And I like it!

Many years ago, someone once asked me who I liked better in at17, Ellen or Eman. At the time, I said Eman, because she had/has a really nice voice and sings very well. Ellen was very talented with her guitar and songwriting skills at the time, but her singing was not very good. The person who asked me the question agreed that Eman has a really nice voice, but thought that Ellen was, at the time, technically weaker, but had a lot more potential.

You were right, as always. Have you listened to this CD? What do you think?

Hell Week 2

It's only Wednesday and this week has been quite eventful.

First my stupid computer problem.
Then another broken bus.
And now I've busted my toe.

But apart from that, and I guess on the more important side...

Did pretty good on last week's test run.
Did pretty good on the in-class test run.

Guess I should be happy? Not sure about that. But at least there's some chance that I might actually pass this thing.

But overall, still nervous as hell and not confident at all. It's pretty stressful to know that you're competing against two thousand other people. What makes it 'unfair' is that this is only partially about knowledge. Because it's also largely about strategy, stamina, and luck.

Time it ticking...

Two weeks from today, it'll all be said and done.

One Third

1 week down, 2 more to go. And then, of course, is the two big days.

What I take away from this week...

I know very little about everything.
My program actually has some really good profs.
It's sad how many of our alumni are here.
I need to beat a lot of people to pass.
This is mentally very draining.

Full speed ahead...

Round 2

Today marks the official start of another big challenge, worse than the first.

3 weeks of hell, and another 2 days to determine your fate.

At times like this, when the tension is really starting to get to me, can't help but wish that she was here to keep me going. Haven't slept well these few days, and keep getting these weird dreams.

I've lost count of the sunsets, and I can't seem to see the stars anymore.

Good luck to myself. And lots of it.

Old Friend

While out today, I saw a person that I once knew.  I don't think she saw me.  Even if she did, I don't think she would recognize me.  Coincidentally, I was thinking of this person a few weeks ago, after seeing her pics on fb.

I probably haven't seen this person in almost 10 years.  At some point, she was my best friend and we always hung out together.  Our families were friends.  We always went on trips together and slept at each other's house. We applied to the same private schools and almost became classmates.

Until......There was some sort of misunderstanding between our parents.  I don't think I ever saw her again after that.

I kinda wonder how she's doing, what she's been up to all these years.  In the end, we were once best friends.  But somewhere back there, I have a feeling that she was kind of disappointed of me when I didn't go to one of her special days.

Perhaps....it was never meant to be.

Progress...yet again

What a relief to know that maybe I won't fail! In fact, relatively speaking, overall I actually did pretty good!

If only my results could be a little more consistent, I'd be a lot more relieved. These results are too extreme to be safe.

Hopefully I'll do even better next week.