Walk with me...

The first walk. Being the 'boring' people we are, we sat in your car and chat, and then went for a walk. A walk in silence, through an empty but peaceful park. A walk that meant so much. A park that I dare not visit again.

The first dinner. I've never gone back to that place. I can still remember where we sat and what we ate. Can't help but wonder what you ate when you went back alone.  Every time I pass by, I still can't help but think of you.

The first hug. I was hesitant, but I kept my first promise to you. It was a strange feeling. From that simple embrace, I could feel the weight and pressure that you were facing, and the relief and comfort that my simple gesture meant to you.

Sometimes, silence is the best form of communication. There are things that don't need to be said, and will still be understood.

Sometimes, all you really want/need is for someone to walk with you. They don't need to help you or console you, because simply being there is already enough.

What I would give to walk with you again...

“Upgrade"

I think I just made an irrevocable change to one of my old blogs.

The address seems to be different.
Meaning whoever had access to it before won't find it.

It seems not everything is being transferred.
Meaning I've lost some very important things.

Some functions seem to be gone.
Meaning I can no longer see who's been there.
Meaning I can't leave traces where I want.

FML

Stoic

Saw this article...
Olivia Chow: An oil painting in stoic grief

And thought of this song...


Of all the people in this world, she's the one suffering the most. Yet, she was out there consoling everyone else.

There are people in our lives that always put on a brave face and a big smile, even when they are going through great pain and sorrow, because they know that that is the only way to help those around them.

Thank you.

I was never as strong as you. But you're never alone.

多得你 最開心的人
陪伴著我每個難熬夜深
用你笑聲 粉飾了天地
告別失望 無懼氣溫
只不過 誰為你著緊
習慣了悲哀中救傷的你
沒法放開開心的責任
抱著心事無人問 壯烈犧牲

若你想哭 即管放心吧
我不會過問
你可盡情在我肩膊哭泣
做個凡人

Canada Loves Jack

(Picture taken from thestar.com)

As said in many places, I've never seen so much love and respect for a politician. Yes, people lay flowers and cards and candles for people. But this make-shift memorial, all the wishes and messages it contains, and all the people that gathered around Roy Thomson Hall to be "at" his funeral, is truly something.

Lies and Promises

So I just promised to do something for a friend.

And to fulfill my obligation, I will need to tell a lie.

Hm.

If you tell a lie (that doesn't really hurt anyone) in order to help a friend, is that bad?

Are white lies still bad?

My conscience is starting to get at me.

bX-23q63l

First you tell me the blog has been removed.

And now, this.

*sigh*

Into the storm...

(Picture taken from thestar.com, by Jillian Beatie)

Stormy stormy night. Severe thunderstorm warnings and tornado warnings all over the place.

Went out at around 8:30pm to run an errand and it was pretty crazy out there. It was dark, but strangely bright at the same time. There was continuous thunder and lightning, so bright that it was practically blinding. Then came the pouring rain.

Imagine if you were walking on the street at that time...in a t-shirt, no jacket, no umbrella...all alone.

Have you ever gone out into a storm for someone?

Would you?

Who would you risk getting sick for?

Who would you risk your life for?

Who would you sacrifice your life for?

Jack

For the past few years, the date Aug 22nd has always been in my head, but I could never figure out why. Every year, I would try to think back to all the things that happened, but I never blogged about anything on this date, nor do I remember anything in particular happening. Am I missing something? Did something important happen on Aug 22nd? I wish I knew.

Today...Aug 22nd...something (of a different nature) happened.

RIP, Jack Layton (1950-2011).

I do not care much for politics and I make no effort to go out and vote, but Jack Layton is/was definitely the most memorable Canadian politician. Why? Simply because he's always out there, out in the public, out in the media, out in the community. Every now and then, you would hear about him, not because of some political thing, but simply because he was part of the Toronto community.

"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world."

This message, alone, will make him a legacy.

拋磚引玉

Finally, a new canto song...put together by some people that (in my opinion) are very talented: hocc, hobing, ellen, wyman...awesome combination.

Melody/Arrangement:
It's not what I expected considering this is the theme song for the upcoming musical. It's not very interesting because it has that typical concert theme song type feel. I was expecting something a little more unique and "artistic" (whatever that means). But I guess the grand and upbeat feel fits the 10th anniversary purpose and sort of makes it suitable for the big sing-a-long type situation.

Lyrics:
Nice. It continues to spread positive energy as hocc has been doing in the past few years. At the same time, it seems to talk about her experiences over the years. There seems to be a bit of inside humour in there also.

Can't say that I really like it. It's okay, but I guess I'm always sort of expecting more from hocc.

But maybe my opinion is a bit distorted for other reasons.

Waiting to hear the second so-called theme song.

Catholic

What does it mean to be Catholic?

99% of my extended family is Catholic. By that, I mean that they go to church at least once a week and are very active within the church community. In the minds of some of those people, anyone who is Catholic and goes to church regularly is a good person.

By that definition, I am NOT a good person, because I practically never go to church. As a matter of fact, I don't even know all the parts and responses in a regular mass ceremony.

In the span of five days, my family of 11 people went to about five different churches. Within that, we attended at least 3 masses. Within that, 2 were in French. Within those, I could follow with one prayer, while everybody else did not understand a single word. Yet, some people insist that we go and sit there and pretend to know what's going on.

So tell me...does going to a mass where I do not understand a single thing make me a better person?

99% of my family is very devoted to charity. By that, I mean that they donate money to the Catholic church. But by that, I also mean that they ONLY donate to the Catholic church and have this mentality that all other non-profit organizations are just trying to steal money.

By that definition, I am NOT devoted to charity, because I choose to donate money to organizations like World Vision or Red Cross or whenever/wherever there is a need.

So tell me...does God only help/love those that are devoted to the Church and condemn everyone else?

How can anyone claim to be Catholic or religious or a good person when they are so superficial and so ignorant and so close-minded that they talk behind people's back and cannot even accept people that are just a little different?

By definition, the word "catholic" means inclusive, inviting or all-embracing.

So tell me...are you the real Catholic? Or am I?

Still...Her...

On this past trip, we went to a number of churches. Every time I set foot in a church, I would think of her...

It was the word "pray" that triggered us to start a real conversation. It was prayers, good wishes, and a big heart, that lead us to trust each other. It was a cross that we shared, perhaps the only identical item that we both have/had.

I regret that we never got the chance to go to a mass together. But I can still remember the time when she dragged me into a little chapel with her. I asked God to watch over her. And I'm sure she did the same for me.

In a way, religion (of all things) was the connection. In a way, it's all so ironic.

If only God would answer my prayers.

After all this time, I still can't help but think of her when I'm tired or down...

And, still, I can't seem to refrain myself from getting emotional...

=(

My So-Called Vacation

Spent the last five days away from home. Enjoyable? Not exactly. As expected, a family trip with this particular combination of people doesn't work.

I dislike wasting time when I'm on a trip. And every day, half the time was spent figuring out where to go or waiting for people to get ready. You can take all the time you like on your own, but don't get into my time.

I dislike ppl that fuss about every little thing. And after every decision, there was at least one person giving attitude or complaining about something or other. Why must ppl make a big deal out of things that really don't matter?

I dislike being forced to go to church. Especially when it's with ppl that think they're good people just because they go to church. Going to church doesn't make you a better Catholic than I am when you judge those that don't believe.

Family is important to me and, for the most part, I like having family gatherings. But some things just don't work.

The ironic or funny part of this trip...

When my extremely Catholic/religious relatives arrived in Montreal the first day, they were a little "stranded" in the downtown area because a bunch of roads were closed. The next day, picking up a local newspaper, it turns out the road closures was because of...Pride.

Links

Saw this ring being mentioned in a discussion about engagement rings.

Three coloured bands intertwined together.
Simple, nice, and meaningful.

The three rings stand for love, trust, and friendship. Three very basic but hard to grasp things that form the basis of any relationship.

Can't believe I never knew the meaning behind the design of this ring until now.

If only......

You

What is it about you that gives you the ability to make me like this?

What is it about you that makes this smart, rational and sensible person that everyone believes I am to lose it and rip myself apart like this?

8/10, Wed

August 10th.

On a Wednesday, too. Just like it was then.

Somewhere in time, I did something I "shouldn't" have. It led me to more things that I "shouldn't" be doing and a giant disaster, but also led me to open my mind, change my perspectives, and live a different life.

For better or for worse? Who can judge?

By chance, by coincidence, or by fate, a phone call came from a certain place today. But, of course, it wasn't for me.

By chance, by coincidence, or by fate, this has come out today...



...triggering a million "bombs" to go off in my mind.

I'm supposed to be excited about this, I guess.

But all I can feel...遺憾.

Game On

Here I am going through the case that I wrote this afternoon.

Because of the "1" I got earlier, everyone around me is under the impression that I'm gonna pass this next exam for sure. But judging from the cases I've written in the past week, I don't think that's true.

And plus, this upcoming one is quite intense:
(1) You're competing with everyone else in the country.
(2) You're competing with all the people that did relatively well already.
(3) Only 50% will make it through.
(4) 3 days for a total of 13 hours is incredible tiring.
(5) There's a lot of hidden things and you need to find them all.

Tonight, someone asked me if I did anything fun over the weekend. With $1,525 and my reputation on the line, there's not going to be very much fun in the next 5 weeks. I really can't afford to screw up.

This is a whole new art I need to master. Need to get rid of the rustiness. Need to get sharp.

Game on!

Just Okay

Saw this quote on a friend's fb yesterday:

‎"Don't you think its better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?"

I think I'd rather be just okay for a lifetime.

Am I just okay? I don't know. I'm not sure what okay means anymore.

Yes, it's nice to be extremely happy. But if it's only for a short while, that means there's a point when you will lose that happiness. That is the really painful part. And after that loss, I don't know if you can ever really even be at the okay level again.

I am grateful for what I've had. But there are times when I wish I never had anything at all. At least then there would be no sorrow and emptiness, because you can't miss what you don't know.

Chance

Here's my chance...

A 10th anniversary show and the timing is absolutely perfect. Technically, it is possible for me to go and watch it. I've been waiting for so many years and here is my chance now. That's hard to believe.

But, I don't think I could take it. It would be too much to bear.

Nor is there any meaning in watching it by myself.