Why is it that when I finally decide to take a step forward all these other things come up and break down my confidence?
It's bad enough for me to do this, but now I feel even worse for doing it now.
But if I don't do it now, I don't know if I'll ever find the courage again to do it.
*sigh*
Friday, September 30, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Aftershock
This past weekend has been really surprising and it's all still sinking in.
M landed in Van yesterday. I've taken care of her car, and everything's all done now. I can't say that I'm really good friends with her because I do not agree with some of her thoughts and perspectives, but we can definitely have a good time together. That's one less person for me to hang out with.
I keep thinking about the fact that R is engaged and it's still really hard to believe. Perhaps because we've known each other for so long. I've watched her as a kid, as a teenager, through university, everything. We don't actually hang out that often, but we always keep in touch. And now, all of a sudden, that little girl that I used to play with at recess and walk home with after school is about to get married. It's almost like finding out your own sis is getting married. Absolutely unbelievable.
And then, of course, there's X. Seeing her stirred up a lot of things in me.
I know I've never quite let go of it, but I never expected myself to react so dramatically when I did see her. I used whatever excuse I could to get out of the house that night. I didn't know what to do or where to go. I just drove and drove and drove. At some point, I had the urge to just go and knock on her door, but I know that's not the wisest thing to do.
Seeing her again tells me again I will regret it if I don't take one more good shot at this. Today I kept asking myself if I really should go ahead and do this. I want to, and I know that. But, in so many ways, it's a very selfish act, and the risks involved are very big and very real.
On the other hand, seeing her, even if only very briefly and from afar, answered some of my questions.
I'm glad to see that she had a coffee in her hand. That means the health concerns that arose back then are no longer an issue. She was worried then. But I was out of the game before there was an answer. This, at least, gives me a little bit of comfort to know that she should still be in fairly good health.
I'm also glad to see that she's got a new car. She's always had a thing for cars, and it also tells me that she must be doing okay at the job. It was too far to tell, but it looked like a Mazda. A little unexpected, but not surprising. Hatchback, like she wanted. I think the windows were tinted. I can guess why. Knowing her, it's definitely a manual. She would never drive an automatic.
Where do you draw the line between fighting for what you want and being selfish?
In the end, I'm still that "kid" in so many ways. Can I really live up to this?
M landed in Van yesterday. I've taken care of her car, and everything's all done now. I can't say that I'm really good friends with her because I do not agree with some of her thoughts and perspectives, but we can definitely have a good time together. That's one less person for me to hang out with.
I keep thinking about the fact that R is engaged and it's still really hard to believe. Perhaps because we've known each other for so long. I've watched her as a kid, as a teenager, through university, everything. We don't actually hang out that often, but we always keep in touch. And now, all of a sudden, that little girl that I used to play with at recess and walk home with after school is about to get married. It's almost like finding out your own sis is getting married. Absolutely unbelievable.
And then, of course, there's X. Seeing her stirred up a lot of things in me.
I know I've never quite let go of it, but I never expected myself to react so dramatically when I did see her. I used whatever excuse I could to get out of the house that night. I didn't know what to do or where to go. I just drove and drove and drove. At some point, I had the urge to just go and knock on her door, but I know that's not the wisest thing to do.
Seeing her again tells me again I will regret it if I don't take one more good shot at this. Today I kept asking myself if I really should go ahead and do this. I want to, and I know that. But, in so many ways, it's a very selfish act, and the risks involved are very big and very real.
On the other hand, seeing her, even if only very briefly and from afar, answered some of my questions.
I'm glad to see that she had a coffee in her hand. That means the health concerns that arose back then are no longer an issue. She was worried then. But I was out of the game before there was an answer. This, at least, gives me a little bit of comfort to know that she should still be in fairly good health.
I'm also glad to see that she's got a new car. She's always had a thing for cars, and it also tells me that she must be doing okay at the job. It was too far to tell, but it looked like a Mazda. A little unexpected, but not surprising. Hatchback, like she wanted. I think the windows were tinted. I can guess why. Knowing her, it's definitely a manual. She would never drive an automatic.
Where do you draw the line between fighting for what you want and being selfish?
In the end, I'm still that "kid" in so many ways. Can I really live up to this?
Monday, September 26, 2011
And the finale to my weekend...
As if Friday and Saturday haven't been interesting enough...here is #3...to add to the big mash up of emotions that I've had this weekend.
Congrats, R! I'm very happy for you. You're first, just as we all predicted back in high school.
My friend of 18 years, who has always lived less than 20 houses away from me, has gotten engaged. The wedding is tentatively next year, and I've been asked to be one of the bridesmaid.
Other than congratulating her and being happy for her, I really did not know how to react. There's never been a wedding that's been so close to me. All the previous weddings that have occurred were those of somewhat distant relatives that I didn't care much about, and I've avoided them using whatever excuse I can. But this is different. No excuse in the world is big enough for me to avoid this. Nor do I want to, because I'm sincerely happy for her and want to be there on her big day. How could I possibly turn down a friend that I've known all my life?
I am truly happy for her, but a wedding/marriage that's so close to me presents two issues for me.
Practically speaking, being a bridesmaid involves wearing a dress. The last time I wore a dress was at my high school grad, seven years ago. I cannot even start to explain how awkward I feel wearing a dress. But there's nothing I can do.
The second issue adds to what happened yesterday. Being a friend of 18 years, obviously my parents know her. After telling them this news tonight, their reaction seems a bit strange. I'm pretty sure it's because they're thinking about my situation in relation to all of this. Now I really wonder who saw who yesterday.
It's been a heck of a weekend. First M is leaving for Van. Then, I see X. Now, my childhood best friend is about to get married.
What's next?
Congrats, R! I'm very happy for you. You're first, just as we all predicted back in high school.
My friend of 18 years, who has always lived less than 20 houses away from me, has gotten engaged. The wedding is tentatively next year, and I've been asked to be one of the bridesmaid.
Other than congratulating her and being happy for her, I really did not know how to react. There's never been a wedding that's been so close to me. All the previous weddings that have occurred were those of somewhat distant relatives that I didn't care much about, and I've avoided them using whatever excuse I can. But this is different. No excuse in the world is big enough for me to avoid this. Nor do I want to, because I'm sincerely happy for her and want to be there on her big day. How could I possibly turn down a friend that I've known all my life?
I am truly happy for her, but a wedding/marriage that's so close to me presents two issues for me.
Practically speaking, being a bridesmaid involves wearing a dress. The last time I wore a dress was at my high school grad, seven years ago. I cannot even start to explain how awkward I feel wearing a dress. But there's nothing I can do.
The second issue adds to what happened yesterday. Being a friend of 18 years, obviously my parents know her. After telling them this news tonight, their reaction seems a bit strange. I'm pretty sure it's because they're thinking about my situation in relation to all of this. Now I really wonder who saw who yesterday.
It's been a heck of a weekend. First M is leaving for Van. Then, I see X. Now, my childhood best friend is about to get married.
What's next?
Saturday, September 24, 2011
她...
I never expected it to happen like this.
While at the supermarket closest to my house, I casually looked around while my mom and K picked whatever they were picking. A person in the distance looked familiar and made me look back.
I took another look.
The same blue jacket. The same brownish, wavy hair. The same sunglasses on her head. The same gait. And a coffee in hand.
I could feel my body shake, my head start to spin, and that chest pain.
It's her. It really is her.
Thank goodness for the sunglasses I had on. It was hard to keep my eyes from tearing up.
Running shoes, as always. But not ones I've seen. Khaki's, not jeans. Perhaps I've spent too little time with her in the summer. Almost looks a little foreign to me, but still typically her style.
There's someone with her. Long hair. More feminine. Probably around her age. Can't help but wonder what their relationship is.
They disappeared out of my line of sight. I thought that was it. But as we walked towards the exit, they stepped out, right in front of us.
It was like a scene out of my dreams. And the worst possible one.
I am walking...with my mom...less than 10ft behind her.
How could this possibly be happening?
They cross the road. As always, she was watching out for that person she was with. She always had a tendency to lead me across the road.
We're still behind them.
They walk off to the end of the parking lot.
They get to a car. It's not hippo. She takes the driver's side. Typical of her. It's too far for me to see the license. Black. Looks like a Mazda. Hatchback. Tinted windows. The car is everything we once talked about.
They got in the car and rolled the windows down, but didn't start the engine.
At the same time, I started the car to leave.
It's been 5 years since I last saw her.
I never expected to run into her like this. I never expected to run into her here. I never expected it would be at a time when my mom is right beside me.
If I was alone, I would have confronted her. I've been waiting for this chance all along. I don't care who she's with. I want to talk to her.
But circumstances today were impossible.
There was a girl with her. I'm pretty sure I know who it is, considering it's a Saturday afternoon and she's in this area. But it still makes me jealous that I can't be walking around with her like that.
Did she see me? I don't think so. But perhaps she did in the distance. If so, what is she thinking now?
Did my mom see her? I don't know. As far as I know, my mom has never met her before. She shouldn't have known. But, there were things that happened behind my back that I still don't know about.
For the last few weeks I've been thinking about the next steps, the things that I could do, the things that I want to say to her. And now this happened.
The sight of her still gets me excited and gets my heart racing. Having to leave still creates that unbearable heaviness inside.
Life is so cruel.
My head is spinning, and that chest pain is back. It feels like that bottomless pit all over again.
The person that I've never stopped loving all these years was right in front of me, and I could not even say a single word to her.
='(
9/23
It's a Friday again.
Just like then.
A full round.
Ironically, I was at that same place today.
The memories never seem to fade.
I can still remember the sounds and music.
And you're still on my mind.
Just like then.
A full round.
Ironically, I was at that same place today.
The memories never seem to fade.
I can still remember the sounds and music.
And you're still on my mind.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Bittersweet
V posted this on FB last week and it sort of got to me:
Chat History
I'm not sure how to react to this story/article. It's sad because the girl is going back into her email/chats and seeing all the rough times that the couple went through. But, in a way, it's also sweet because you see how much they loved each other and these everyday emails/chats became an unintended record of their relationship.
Like this story, a part of my past has been 'accidentally' scattered across three email accounts, two blogs and MSN.
MNN is offline.
Chat History
I'm not sure how to react to this story/article. It's sad because the girl is going back into her email/chats and seeing all the rough times that the couple went through. But, in a way, it's also sweet because you see how much they loved each other and these everyday emails/chats became an unintended record of their relationship.
Like this story, a part of my past has been 'accidentally' scattered across three email accounts, two blogs and MSN.
MNN is offline.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
350*F
For whatever reason, we started talking about banana bread at home the other day. At some point, somebody mentioned how banana bread has a lot of butter in it and is not so healthy. And, of course, I stupidly blurted out that you can make banana bread with applesauce instead of butter.
I don't know why I brought this up, and now a part of me regrets it.
Perhaps my mom forgot about this already, or she is pretending to not remember. Both she and I have both had applesauce banana bread before. It was years ago. And it was made by the one person that she really hates.
I've always loved banana bread. So, of course, when X found out about that, she set off to make me banana bread. I still remember going to her house one day and finding two loaves of freshly baked banana bread that she was experimenting with. Being the health conscious person that she is, she was trying to perfect the applesauce recipe because the butter one was too unhealthy.
It was one of the many things that she went out of her way to do especially for me. Too bad I never got to watch her make it.
My applesauce banana bread wasn't so good tonight. The taste and texture were not what I wanted.
Or maybe, as X used to say, everything always tastes better when somebody makes it for you.
I don't know why I brought this up, and now a part of me regrets it.
Perhaps my mom forgot about this already, or she is pretending to not remember. Both she and I have both had applesauce banana bread before. It was years ago. And it was made by the one person that she really hates.
I've always loved banana bread. So, of course, when X found out about that, she set off to make me banana bread. I still remember going to her house one day and finding two loaves of freshly baked banana bread that she was experimenting with. Being the health conscious person that she is, she was trying to perfect the applesauce recipe because the butter one was too unhealthy.
It was one of the many things that she went out of her way to do especially for me. Too bad I never got to watch her make it.
My applesauce banana bread wasn't so good tonight. The taste and texture were not what I wanted.
Or maybe, as X used to say, everything always tastes better when somebody makes it for you.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Show Number X
Another strange strange dream......
I was with two other people. There was a guy and a girl, but I couldn't tell who they were.
We went into some dark room that was sort of like a theater. There was a small stage with wooden floors and red curtains. There were no real audience seats; just steps, where the audience sat. We sat down. The girl sat next to me and the guy sat next to her.
The show began. Three people sang on the stage: a girl and two guys. The girl played a flute. One guy played a harmonica. The other guy played some strange instrument that was like a kazoo. It was a very a cappella and acoustic type performance.
The last song caught my attention. It was like the three people were singing/talking to each other. Eventually, one guy's part ended and he left the stage. The other two continued on. I still have a vague idea of what the song sounded like, but it's nothing that I can recognize.
As the show went on, the girl next to me put her arm around my neck. It was a very warm feeling. After that, at some point, I put my head on her shoulder. We stayed like that and watched the show continue on.
I never got to the end of the show......
I can sort of see why there might be a stage/show involved. But why all the details about the venue and the show? Who was the guy that was with me? And who was the girl that seemed so close to me?
What does it all mean?
I was with two other people. There was a guy and a girl, but I couldn't tell who they were.
We went into some dark room that was sort of like a theater. There was a small stage with wooden floors and red curtains. There were no real audience seats; just steps, where the audience sat. We sat down. The girl sat next to me and the guy sat next to her.
The show began. Three people sang on the stage: a girl and two guys. The girl played a flute. One guy played a harmonica. The other guy played some strange instrument that was like a kazoo. It was a very a cappella and acoustic type performance.
The last song caught my attention. It was like the three people were singing/talking to each other. Eventually, one guy's part ended and he left the stage. The other two continued on. I still have a vague idea of what the song sounded like, but it's nothing that I can recognize.
As the show went on, the girl next to me put her arm around my neck. It was a very warm feeling. After that, at some point, I put my head on her shoulder. We stayed like that and watched the show continue on.
I never got to the end of the show......
I can sort of see why there might be a stage/show involved. But why all the details about the venue and the show? Who was the guy that was with me? And who was the girl that seemed so close to me?
What does it all mean?
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Life Without Principle
Kinda surprised how many non-Chinese people were watching the film, and kinda surprised that it was a full house. HK movies have never been all that good or popular, but I guess the name Johnnie To is still pretty big internationally.
The movie was not really what I expected...
I didn't like the abrupt ending. To me, it seemed like there should have been more. It would have been interesting to see what each person did with their new found wealth, or if the case ever gets solved. But I guess this way it leaves rooom for imagination.
I did like how it was one story told from three perspectives. Interesting to see how the lives of three strangers converge because of one situation, without them ever knowing. Slightly confusing at first, but clever. Kinda reminds me of the movie Momento, but Momento was a million times more confusing.
As the person introducing the film said, you really need to know something about HK to understand why the theme of this movie is so important. Otherwise, it might seem a little weird.
Overall a good day. Good food and company for lunch. Good food and company for dinner and movie.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Day 3 of 3
0730: Stuck on the 401, thinking I'm gonna be late for the last day of the most important exam I've ever written in my life.
0800: Made it. With time to spare.
0850: Stupid proctor started giving instructions too early. Sat there forever, in silence, waiting for her to give the official start. All the while, mind and heart is racing.
1025: Q1 time's up, but I'm not done. Again. Just like yesterday.
1150: Q2 time's up, but I'm not done. Even more over time. Sh*t.
1200: Starting Q3 10min later than I should have. F**k. The question's only 4 pages long. Very strange. There must be some trick in it.
1230: Time to start sacrificing marks. Or else I'll never get to the other sections.
1257: Nothing left to write. Should I go back?
1300: Stop. Drown in failure. And feel your body give in to the stress.
Finally. This exam that's known to be one of the hardest professional exams in the world is all done.
For each of these three days, among ourselves, we wished each other good luck every morning. Deep down, we all know that not everyone will make it. In the end, we are all competing against each other. May the best candidate prevail. But, as naive as it is, I still sincerely hope that we can all pass this together, and that nobody gets left behind. We're all gonna make it.
Thank you to all my classmates. Thank you to my study buddies. Thank you to a few people who were not part of this process but remembered to send me their wishes. You're all awesome people. Thank you for keeping me sane through these crazy times.
Most people are doing one of two things tonight: Drink. Or sleep.
2300: Good night. Perhaps I can finally get some rest tonight.
0800: Made it. With time to spare.
0850: Stupid proctor started giving instructions too early. Sat there forever, in silence, waiting for her to give the official start. All the while, mind and heart is racing.
1025: Q1 time's up, but I'm not done. Again. Just like yesterday.
1150: Q2 time's up, but I'm not done. Even more over time. Sh*t.
1200: Starting Q3 10min later than I should have. F**k. The question's only 4 pages long. Very strange. There must be some trick in it.
1230: Time to start sacrificing marks. Or else I'll never get to the other sections.
1257: Nothing left to write. Should I go back?
1300: Stop. Drown in failure. And feel your body give in to the stress.
Finally. This exam that's known to be one of the hardest professional exams in the world is all done.
For each of these three days, among ourselves, we wished each other good luck every morning. Deep down, we all know that not everyone will make it. In the end, we are all competing against each other. May the best candidate prevail. But, as naive as it is, I still sincerely hope that we can all pass this together, and that nobody gets left behind. We're all gonna make it.
Thank you to all my classmates. Thank you to my study buddies. Thank you to a few people who were not part of this process but remembered to send me their wishes. You're all awesome people. Thank you for keeping me sane through these crazy times.
Most people are doing one of two things tonight: Drink. Or sleep.
2300: Good night. Perhaps I can finally get some rest tonight.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Shattered
Just found out the date for convo.
To my surprise, it's less than 2 months away.
Even bigger surprise...it's in the evening.
=(
To my surprise, it's less than 2 months away.
Even bigger surprise...it's in the evening.
=(
Day 2 of 3
4 hours...
15 pages of reading and analysis...
20 pages of writing...
3 spreadsheets...
Feel your heart rate and blood pressure go up really high while waiting to start.
Feel yourself get extremely nervous as you go over time on Q1.
Feel your mind go blank as you scramble through Q2 with less than enough time.
Feel your hands shaking as you start on Q3.
Feel yourself losing it as the proctor announces there's 5min left.
Stop.
For the first 30sec after the end, all you can think about is how bad you just did.
If every day were this high intensity and high stress, I would go insane.
Now...one more time.
15 pages of reading and analysis...
20 pages of writing...
3 spreadsheets...
Feel your heart rate and blood pressure go up really high while waiting to start.
Feel yourself get extremely nervous as you go over time on Q1.
Feel your mind go blank as you scramble through Q2 with less than enough time.
Feel your hands shaking as you start on Q3.
Feel yourself losing it as the proctor announces there's 5min left.
Stop.
For the first 30sec after the end, all you can think about is how bad you just did.
If every day were this high intensity and high stress, I would go insane.
Now...one more time.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Day 1 of 3
Today was brutal.
During the last month, I did pretty much all the cases from 2005 to 2010. But none of them compared to the one today. I don't think I've ever felt so lost and confused while writing a case.
It was like...all the topics we thought they would never test all thrown into one big case.
Awesome.
The bad...I have absolutely no confidence whatsoever for this one.
The good...It's all relative, so I just need to beat other people to win.
This exam is 25% knowledge, 50% fast typing and 25% mental/emotional control.
So...it's time to throw this all away and move on to the next battle.
Tomorrow is another (exam) day.
Off Topic #1: Do things happen by chance, by coincidence or by fate? Sometimes certain things happen and it makes you wonder if it really was just an accident, or if there really is some greater power at work.
Off Topic #2: Feel kinda guilty for not offering R a ride these few days. But I really need that time alone during the drive before and after the exam. It's much too stressful to have to entertain a passenger when I'm feeling like crap inside. I know she understands, because we talked about it before, but I still feel guilty.
During the last month, I did pretty much all the cases from 2005 to 2010. But none of them compared to the one today. I don't think I've ever felt so lost and confused while writing a case.
It was like...all the topics we thought they would never test all thrown into one big case.
Awesome.
The bad...I have absolutely no confidence whatsoever for this one.
The good...It's all relative, so I just need to beat other people to win.
This exam is 25% knowledge, 50% fast typing and 25% mental/emotional control.
So...it's time to throw this all away and move on to the next battle.
Tomorrow is another (exam) day.
Off Topic #1: Do things happen by chance, by coincidence or by fate? Sometimes certain things happen and it makes you wonder if it really was just an accident, or if there really is some greater power at work.
Off Topic #2: Feel kinda guilty for not offering R a ride these few days. But I really need that time alone during the drive before and after the exam. It's much too stressful to have to entertain a passenger when I'm feeling like crap inside. I know she understands, because we talked about it before, but I still feel guilty.
To...the missing piece of me...
At this most critical moments, all I can think of is you...
I wrote an email with only two lines.
You'll never get it, but it was to you.
Pray for me, my dear friend.
It means the world for me.
I wrote an email with only two lines.
You'll never get it, but it was to you.
Pray for me, my dear friend.
It means the world for me.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Diversion
24 hours and counting...
There is some annoying construction going on outside, making it impossible to think.
So instead, I went and tried to revive an old email account, because there's a remote chance that I could get some comfort from it.
Unsuccessful.
What am I forgetting? What am I missing?
Perhaps I'll go and write an email now instead. But that would take a lot more courage.
There is some annoying construction going on outside, making it impossible to think.
So instead, I went and tried to revive an old email account, because there's a remote chance that I could get some comfort from it.
Unsuccessful.
What am I forgetting? What am I missing?
Perhaps I'll go and write an email now instead. But that would take a lot more courage.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Peace
Think back...
10 years ago, today, where were you and what were you doing?
Sept 11, 2001. The beginning of the second year of high school. Ironically, I think it was a world religions class that I was sitting in, when the principal came on the PA system and told everyone what was going on.
God bless...to everyone who lost someone...because there's nothing more painful than losing the people you love.
10 years ago, today, where were you and what were you doing?
Sept 11, 2001. The beginning of the second year of high school. Ironically, I think it was a world religions class that I was sitting in, when the principal came on the PA system and told everyone what was going on.
God bless...to everyone who lost someone...because there's nothing more painful than losing the people you love.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Putting Things into Perspective
An exam is an exam. Worst case scenario, you fail and write it again next year.
But life...is not like that.
There are things that I can no longer avoid. There are problems and issues that need to be dealt with. Things need to change. And sometimes, there's no room for mistakes and no second chances.
It's three days before this huge exam. Yes, I'm worried about the exam. But I am a million times more worried about all the things that will happen after the exam.
For all these years, I've pushed back all these other issues because I thought now would be the best time to deal with them in a way that would work to my advantage. Now that I'm finally here, it's not like that at all. There are now bigger problems, and more problems, because there are a million things that I did not forsee.
My invisible destination is still nowhere to be seen, and I'm back at the starting line again.
But life...is not like that.
There are things that I can no longer avoid. There are problems and issues that need to be dealt with. Things need to change. And sometimes, there's no room for mistakes and no second chances.
It's three days before this huge exam. Yes, I'm worried about the exam. But I am a million times more worried about all the things that will happen after the exam.
For all these years, I've pushed back all these other issues because I thought now would be the best time to deal with them in a way that would work to my advantage. Now that I'm finally here, it's not like that at all. There are now bigger problems, and more problems, because there are a million things that I did not forsee.
My invisible destination is still nowhere to be seen, and I'm back at the starting line again.
Friday, September 9, 2011
km/h
Every time I close my eyes, a million things start to run through my head. When I finally manage to fall asleep, it continues on, as a dream. I cannot pinpoint what it is that are in the dreams. Everything is too fast and too scattered for me to remember. But every time, all of a sudden, I find myself awake again, like waking up from a nightmare.
The darkness is closing in......
Thursday, September 8, 2011
I'm an idiot, and everything is my fault.
Today was a f**ked up day, and I'm now at the point where I feel the need to smash something to take out the tension. But this is all I can get.
Meeting scheduled for 9am. I get there at 9am. One person gets there at 9:30am. Another gets there at 9:50am and says, "You didn't actually get here at 9am, did you? Can we start now?" Are you f**king kidding me? You call a 9am meeting, show up 50min late, think that setting 9am was a joke, and complain that we're wasting time? Quite honestly, I did not want to meet at all today because I could get much more studying done on my own. I agreed to it because I feel I have an obligation to my group. And this is the way I get treated.
What was supposed to be a morning meeting did not end until 2:30pm.
So I get home. And someone is pissed off at me for getting back so late, making it impossible for her to go out to do stuff. WTF is this? (1) I specifically asked if anyone else needed the car today, and all said they don't really need it. (2) How am I supposed to know that you want to use the car if you never said so? If you told me, I would have changed my plans yesterday. (3) You're complaining that I'm taking too long at a f**king meeting? Are you serious? I'm working/studying, not hanging out and having fun. (4) I have a f**king phone. You can call and tell me if you need something.
So I get up extra early, go to a meeting that I didn't want to go to, get treated like sh*t, and then get yelled at for something that wasn't even my fault.
Thank you. This is just what I need four days before this f**king exam.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Two-Face Reading Minds
Read this article a while ago:
People with mild depression may be better at reading minds: study
Kinda interesting, because it's sort of something that I've noticed.
Ever since things got rough in life, I subconsciously started becoming more aware and attentive of the thoughts, emotions and body language of the people around me. Do I really care so much about other people's mental state? Maybe a bit, but the intention is ultimately "selfish". I know I pay more attention because I want to better understand the relationships I have with each person, better manage these relationships, and avoid "mistakes" I've made in the past. In the end, I know I'm trying to protect myself.
Another thing I read a while ago:
Why you can't truly know other people
Also kinda interesting, because someone once accused me of being fake.
I know that I present different versions of myself to different people, and I admit it's intentional. Why? Because I trust different people to varying degrees, so I entrust different amounts of personal information to different people. Because reality is harsh, and I know I need to project a certain image to certain people to succeed. Because if I told the entire truth to everyone, I'd be in a situation where I would probably kill myself. Is that being fake? Perhaps some would say so. But I disagree. You can call me fake if I treat people differently to gain an advantage for myself. But in the end, that's not my motive and I (try to) have the same amount of respect and courtesy for everyone.
People with mild depression may be better at reading minds: study
Kinda interesting, because it's sort of something that I've noticed.
Ever since things got rough in life, I subconsciously started becoming more aware and attentive of the thoughts, emotions and body language of the people around me. Do I really care so much about other people's mental state? Maybe a bit, but the intention is ultimately "selfish". I know I pay more attention because I want to better understand the relationships I have with each person, better manage these relationships, and avoid "mistakes" I've made in the past. In the end, I know I'm trying to protect myself.
Another thing I read a while ago:
Why you can't truly know other people
Also kinda interesting, because someone once accused me of being fake.
I know that I present different versions of myself to different people, and I admit it's intentional. Why? Because I trust different people to varying degrees, so I entrust different amounts of personal information to different people. Because reality is harsh, and I know I need to project a certain image to certain people to succeed. Because if I told the entire truth to everyone, I'd be in a situation where I would probably kill myself. Is that being fake? Perhaps some would say so. But I disagree. You can call me fake if I treat people differently to gain an advantage for myself. But in the end, that's not my motive and I (try to) have the same amount of respect and courtesy for everyone.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Spies
While waiting for a table for lunch today, I noticed a group of young people that were also waiting. Nothing strange about it. But it's slightly more rare to see a group of young people going for dim sum on a Sunday afternoon. Simply because Sunday dim sum is more of a family thing.
When we finally got a table (like 40 minutes later), I noticed that the group that I saw earlier was sitting at the table next to us. And within that group, was a face that I recognized.
I do not know this person personally. But through various connections, I have known of this person for quite a while. It was not until today that I ever saw her in person.
To some extent, I can say I know quite a bit about her and have seen her in a whole lot of pics. But as far as I know, she does not even know of my existence. She would never suspect that some stranger at the next table knows a bunch of things about her personal life.
It suddenly occurred to me how strange (and kinda scary?) this is. There are people out there that may know a lot about me, and I might not even know of their existence. And yes, it does happen. For one thing, every now and then, someone tells me they were telling their mom/dad/gf/bf/friend about me. -_-''
So...what does the world know about me that I don't know?
On second thought, maybe this girl knows just as much about me and I don't know it? That's quite possible too.
When we finally got a table (like 40 minutes later), I noticed that the group that I saw earlier was sitting at the table next to us. And within that group, was a face that I recognized.
I do not know this person personally. But through various connections, I have known of this person for quite a while. It was not until today that I ever saw her in person.
To some extent, I can say I know quite a bit about her and have seen her in a whole lot of pics. But as far as I know, she does not even know of my existence. She would never suspect that some stranger at the next table knows a bunch of things about her personal life.
It suddenly occurred to me how strange (and kinda scary?) this is. There are people out there that may know a lot about me, and I might not even know of their existence. And yes, it does happen. For one thing, every now and then, someone tells me they were telling their mom/dad/gf/bf/friend about me. -_-''
So...what does the world know about me that I don't know?
On second thought, maybe this girl knows just as much about me and I don't know it? That's quite possible too.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Spinning...
Can't seem to sleep tonight....
Keep dreaming...about something important...but I can't remember exactly what it was......
Perhaps it's because of that conversation from before. I know what I'm doing is probably futile, and maybe even intrusive, but I'll never be satisfied if I don't at least try and don't get an answer.
Perhaps it's this exam. Either the exam is stressing me out and causing me to think about other things. Or the other things are causing me to stress out about the exam.
Perhaps it's the illicit plans that I'm thinking about. Potentially, my chances are coming. But the risks are very high.
Restless...
Keep dreaming...about something important...but I can't remember exactly what it was......
Perhaps it's because of that conversation from before. I know what I'm doing is probably futile, and maybe even intrusive, but I'll never be satisfied if I don't at least try and don't get an answer.
Perhaps it's this exam. Either the exam is stressing me out and causing me to think about other things. Or the other things are causing me to stress out about the exam.
Perhaps it's the illicit plans that I'm thinking about. Potentially, my chances are coming. But the risks are very high.
Restless...
Friday, September 2, 2011
Roots
Saw this article earlier....
I have known, directly or indirectly, all the NHL players mentioned in this article. Nice to see that they are still down to earth enough to keep in touch and hang out with their BA buddies even after becoming multi-million dollar athletes.
Everyone used to say how bad of a school BA is. But in the end, that's the place where some life-long friendships began. It might not have been the best school, but the good (and bad) times will never be forgotten.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Too Slow
Meant to follow up with a friend about something, but didn't get the chance to. Kinda feel bad about it, cuz it was sort of my issue too, since I was supposed to be involved. So now I've just given the impression that I don't really care, cuz I knew there is a potential for problems and didn't even take the time to check up on them and make sure things are working out.
Hate it when I do that.
Hope everything will be fine.
Hate it when I do that.
Hope everything will be fine.
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