Aftershock

This past weekend has been really surprising and it's all still sinking in.

M landed in Van yesterday.  I've taken care of her car, and everything's all done now.  I can't say that I'm really good friends with her because I do not agree with some of her thoughts and perspectives, but we can definitely have a good time together.  That's one less person for me to hang out with.

I keep thinking about the fact that R is engaged and it's still really hard to believe.  Perhaps because we've known each other for so long.  I've watched her as a kid, as a teenager, through university, everything.  We don't actually hang out that often, but we always keep in touch.  And now, all of a sudden, that little girl that I used to play with at recess and walk home with after school is about to get married.  It's almost like finding out your own sis is getting married.  Absolutely unbelievable.

And then, of course, there's X.  Seeing her stirred up a lot of things in me.

I know I've never quite let go of it, but I never expected myself to react so dramatically when I did see her.  I used whatever excuse I could to get out of the house that night.  I didn't know what to do or where to go.  I just drove and drove and drove.  At some point, I had the urge to just go and knock on her door, but I know that's not the wisest thing to do.

Seeing her again tells me again I will regret it if I don't take one more good shot at this.  Today I kept asking myself if I really should go ahead and do this.  I want to, and I know that.  But, in so many ways, it's a very selfish act, and the risks involved are very big and very real.

On the other hand, seeing her, even if only very briefly and from afar, answered some of my questions.

I'm glad to see that she had a coffee in her hand.  That means the health concerns that arose back then are no longer an issue.  She was worried then.  But I was out of the game before there was an answer.  This, at least, gives me a little bit of comfort to know that she should still be in fairly good health.

I'm also glad to see that she's got a new car.  She's always had a thing for cars, and it also tells me that she must be doing okay at the job.  It was too far to tell, but it looked like a Mazda.  A little unexpected, but not surprising.  Hatchback, like she wanted.  I think the windows were tinted.  I can guess why.  Knowing her, it's definitely a manual.  She would never drive an automatic.

Where do you draw the line between fighting for what you want and being selfish?

In the end, I'm still that "kid" in so many ways.  Can I really live up to this?