Pink Dresses

Ran into R and C on the bus home today. Somehow, I was totally oblivious to the fact that R tried to call/text me from the back of the bus while I was standing near the front. Yes, I'm blind and deaf. =_=

Chat about the bus strike. Chat about Halloween. Chat about random things.

At one point, R told me she was looking around for a venue for her wedding. With that, she told me that they had chosen pink and black as the colours for the wedding. And then...

R: Are you okay with a baby pink dress? I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable.
Me: Yea, that's fine. Don't worry.

Well, what else can I say? =_=

At this point, I am totally dreading this. The idea of having to wear a pink dress in front of the world (including a lot of people that I haven't seen in ages) makes me wanna die. But for R, I'll do it.

The way that R has been so cautious with breaking all of this out to me makes me wonder what she's thinking. Is she always checking if I'm okay with the arrangements simply because she knows I don't want to wear a dress? Or is she asking because she knows what I'm hiding?

I really don't know. Nor do I have the courage to find out.

In this day and time, it wouldn't be that odd for a bridesmaid to not be wearing a dress. But the implications of doing so are too great. For a bridesmaid to not wear a dress makes a very big statement. Not a wise thing to do. For one thing, my own parents might be at the wedding. And what would R's parents think? Double negative.

Actually. It's not that I'm hiding anything. It's just that she's never asked. If she did, I would probably very skillfully admit it. After all, if I can't trust this person that I've known all my life, who can I trust?

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Every day, things get a little more interesting, a little more exciting, a little more troublesome.

And they always have to be conflicting issues, so that my life gets a little more complicated, and so that the things I want to do or achieve just seem that much further away.

Sometimes I wish that I really could say 'f*ck it' and just go do what I want.

But how can I stop caring about the people around me? How can I do nothing when I know they need me? How can I hurt those that are closest to me?

When I finally thought I could start getting out of this rut, it seems the whole has just gotten ten times deeper.

One Step Back

The other day I had planned to take a second step, because that seemed like the most appropriate thing to do considering what I had said before.

Instead of hanging out the entire day, I planned to leave early so that there would still be time for me to do my stuff and have some time for whatever followed, if anything.

But it didn't work out quite that way.

I made a new friend that day. While chatting over lunch, she mentioned that she was having friends over at her house for drinks that night.

One of them was a paramedic.

At that point, I didn't know how to react. After all, there can't be that many 30-something chinese, female, les paramedics in the city. There must be a pretty good chance that it's the same person. The thought of that made my head spin.

I had the urge to ask for details. Does this new friend that I've made know X? If so, then what does this person know about me?

But at the same time, I wanted to avoid it altogether. Perhaps it would be easier for me if I just didn't know at all.

Naturally, this continued to bug me for the rest of the day. The possibility of calling someone (and saying a lot of personal things) who would then go on to see a brand new person that I had just spent the day with was a little overwhelming.

So...

I took it down a notch.

Perhaps...the bits and pieces are up in the air.

Buddies

Friendship is a very strange thing.

Every now and then, a simple gesture by someone or brief eye contact with him/her tells me that we have some sort of mutual understanding. At that point, I realize that I've shared some sort of personal connection with the person.

Every now and then, there are things that make me realize that there are some people around me that take me as a good friend, that will not judge me, and that are willing to look out for me.

Thanks, to all my friends.

Fail

Something today made me hesitate.

I couldn't bring myself to go through with what was planned, and did something else instead. Perhaps that was a big mistake.

Did my world just become smaller today? After all, there can't be that many 30-something, chinese, female paramedics in this city. Not sure if it really is the case, but it definitely shook me up a bit. Not sure if that's good or bad.

Feeling a little uneasy about it all...

Faith

The buried past is not gone forever.
It's just waiting for someone to dig it up.

One more time.

If A, then let's deal with this, face to face, once and for all.

If B, then I'll have to find the courage in me to do the impossible and just hope for the best.

There are things that have led me to believe things I cannot see.

Sometimes, having faith is all you can do.

Whatever happens happens.

Giant Little Friend!

If things were different, I would buy it right away.

Down Under

I've never been good at talking. I always find it difficult to verbally tell anyone my deepest thoughts. For me, it takes a lot of courage to say all those things that are inside. Even in front of the one person that I trust 200%, it's always a struggle and never comes naturally.

But perhaps this is what I really need to do right now, because sometimes saying/hearing it for real makes a difference.

Hopefully, when the time comes, I can still find the courage to say all those things that I've kept locked away for so long.

Hear me out.
Listen to me.

Give me a chance.

Please.

Overloaded

I can take on all the exams in the world, but I never know how to deal with you.

When it comes to you, I'm always weak and always lose.

Emotionally and mentally overloaded.

What do I do next?

='(

痴情司 MV #1

Haven't talked about this song until now...

To be honest, my first impression of the song was not good. It was simply the wrong song at the wrong time for me. A song about letting go was not what I wanted to hear at a time when I was about to make an important phone call to someone from my past. "其實你我這美夢　氣數早已盡　重來也是無用 情願百世都讚頌　最美的落紅　敢捨棄才是勇" In fact, for those few days the song was a little repulsive because it was so discouraging to me.

But, of course, that was just my own bias.

After listening to it more and under a different mood/situation, the song is actually very nice. It's really simple, but the feeling is really there. It has that optimistic moving forward attitude, but at the same time retains that sorrowful loss feeling.

Perhaps I still have 粱祝 on my mind so this was really not what I expected. Nonetheless, I like it.

I love how the MV tries to introduce the 12 girls from the musical. The snowy atmosphere in the MV really matches the song. From the MV, I noticed that one of them is the girl from 漂浪青春. It should be interesting to see what role she plays in hocc's musical, considering her previous role in 漂浪青春 was rather masculine.

Comments on the full album to come, after I listen to it some more.

Chasing the Runner

Seek and you shall find.

I've done it again.

What I thought was lost forever has been found, at a different location, under a different title, a different name, and a different background. But it's all still there, intact, as before.

If I never found it, perhaps it would have been easier to start putting things behind me.

But I'm glad I found it, because it indirectly tells me a few things and answers a few questions.

To know that the tree hole still exists is a relief. When it disappeared a few months ago, I thought that was the end, that I had been erased forever. But the fact that it still exists tells me and what's in the tree hole still has some sort of significance.

The background reminds of something. Birds. Wings. Fly. There's a certain quote that comes to mind.

The title was heartbreaking. But I'm not going to take that as the answer. Nothing is forever. Especially not this.

But most of all, the name. Keyword: reluctant. I'm happy to see that, because it tells me I still have some meaning after all this time.

All this time, I've been chasing after you and you've ignored me. But in the end, even up until recently, you still call yourself reluctant. Then why are you running?

Stop.
Stay.
Talk to me.

Please.

*sigh*

I've used all the courage in me to take that first step. Perhaps it's time for a second.

I'm Still Here

Goodbye doesn't have to be forever.
The reluctant runner doesn't have to run.

Stop running and say hello.

I'm right here.

Blah

Too tired to think about anything. Not sure why. Haven't even started doing any real work yet.

Feel the urge to cry. Not sure why. But nothing's coming out.

Hate this feeling.

*sigh*

Not so user friendly...

Transit here really sucks.

Every route that I can take to get home after work...
1) is Express so I need to pay extra,
2) only operates during rush hour,
3) requires me to pay an extra fare because of zones,
4) only comes once every 30min, OR
5) requires more than one transfer

How is this gonna work during busy season?!

粱祝 vs 賈寶玉

粱祝說: 為何還害怕若覺得這樣愛
賈寶玉說: 敢捨棄才是勇

粱祝說: 約定了下世共我更傳奇
賈寶玉說: 遲一點天上見

粱祝說的是因為愛所以要爭取。
賈寶玉說的是因為愛所以要放手。

相同的,就是那份愛。

(可惜嘅係我兩樣都做唔到。)

The Waiting Game

Still...blank...

Am I hopeful? Not really. I know not to set my expectations too high, but I still hope.

Am I disappointed? Perhaps. Slightly. But in a strangely calm way. Or maybe I'm just numb, or avoiding the thought altogether.

I suddenly realize that what I said was not very smart.

I said I'd try again.

But is that appropriate? Do I even have the courage to do it?

Or should I keep waiting? Until when?

The more I think about it, the more I feel like an idiot.

It's always like this. I pull myself together to do something and then half of me starts to regret it. I hope, and then I get disappointed and crushed. Yet, I set out again to do it all over again.

Why? For what?

Why the f**k am I going about making a fool of myself again and again?

Sometimes, I'm not sure.

All because it means something to me.

P.S.

I broke the rules.

I added to something that already ended.

It's a P.S.

And a P.P.S.

It's an exception,
But a justified one.

Nothing to Fear

Am I scared?

I don't really know.

The first time I read through the articles last week, perhaps it was a bit freaky. A lot of the symptoms do seem to match. And the not-so-fancy name is enough to scare anyone.

Autosomal dominant. I have enough bio knowledge to know what that means without looking it up. If she has it, then there's at least a 50% chance that I do too. Based on my own knowledge of my own body, I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out positive.

I think I've already convinced myself that it doesn't matter. If anything, all that has happened is we've put a name to a condition that has existed all my life. It doesn't really change anything.

Is there a problem? Yes.
Can you do anything about it? No.
Then don't worry.

But I know she's worried, and she's scared. I really don't know what I can say.

In the end, it all still has to be confirmed.

X used to always say/joke that maybe she wouldn't be around the next day. 原來呢句說話應該係我講。Who knows? Maybe something will happen tonight and I won't be around anymore tomorrow.

Suspense

Blank
Bitter
Numb

The Call

This morning I picked up a magazine and read the horoscopes in it. I laughed when I saw the Taurus horoscope. In the midst of it was a part that mentioned something about how single Taurus people find the courage to confess their love for their crushes/admirers. How ironic.

I did it.

In the past five years, I could not find the courage to do this. Because there are some risks involved. Because it would hurt if I got shut out or rejected. Because I feared that I would cause another round of pain and sorrow.

But after seeing her in front of me last weekend, and after hearing what the doctor said yesterday, I knew I had to do this. If I did not, I would regret it for the rest of my life. And who knows when I'll drop dead.

I thought about what I wanted to say, but nothing sounded right. I can never seem to find the right words to say to her. I punched in that familiar number, but could not find the courage to hit 'send'.

For a while, I considered maybe an sms was better. It would be less intrusive and a little less personal. But that would be no different from what I had done before. There was no way of knowing that she actually got it. A call would make sure I got through.

I sat there for over an hour with the phone in my hand. My heart was pounding like crazy. Even the exams did not make me this nervous. 2:49pm, I finally hit 'send'. It seemed to ring forever, but finally ended with the machine. I left a brief message, said goodbye, and hung up.

If she was home, she would have heard my message at that moment. If she was out, she would surely check the message and hear it. One way or another, I had 'forced' her to hear me out.

I tried hard to sound relatively normal, but surely there was a quiver in my voice. I know I struggled to even speak at all.

Perhaps this was a very selfish thing to do.

12 hours later. I'm lying here asking myself if all of this was real. Did I really do that? Or was it just a dream?

Adele - Someone Like You

It seems that this song was playing everywhere we went tonight.

Ironically, it says exactly what I'm thinking...

"I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over"

"...I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
I'll remember, you said..."

For the most part, I love this song.

Except...the most important line...

"Never mind, I'll find someone like you"

I don't want someone like you, nor would I ever find someone like you.

I want you.

Courage

If I don't try, I'll never know.
If I don't know, I'll never let go.

So at 1125, I'm telling myself I'm going to go ahead with this.

What if she doesn't pick up? Then I'll speak to the machine. Perhaps that'll be a little easier on my faint heart.

What if she does pick up? If she'll talk, that's awesome. If she tells me off, then I'll finally have an answer.

Whatever happens happens.

I've taken the whole week to work up my courage.

Hopefully I can stick to this for a few more hours...