The Call

This morning I picked up a magazine and read the horoscopes in it. I laughed when I saw the Taurus horoscope. In the midst of it was a part that mentioned something about how single Taurus people find the courage to confess their love for their crushes/admirers. How ironic.

I did it.

In the past five years, I could not find the courage to do this. Because there are some risks involved. Because it would hurt if I got shut out or rejected. Because I feared that I would cause another round of pain and sorrow.

But after seeing her in front of me last weekend, and after hearing what the doctor said yesterday, I knew I had to do this. If I did not, I would regret it for the rest of my life. And who knows when I'll drop dead.

I thought about what I wanted to say, but nothing sounded right. I can never seem to find the right words to say to her. I punched in that familiar number, but could not find the courage to hit 'send'.

For a while, I considered maybe an sms was better. It would be less intrusive and a little less personal. But that would be no different from what I had done before. There was no way of knowing that she actually got it. A call would make sure I got through.

I sat there for over an hour with the phone in my hand. My heart was pounding like crazy. Even the exams did not make me this nervous. 2:49pm, I finally hit 'send'. It seemed to ring forever, but finally ended with the machine. I left a brief message, said goodbye, and hung up.

If she was home, she would have heard my message at that moment. If she was out, she would surely check the message and hear it. One way or another, I had 'forced' her to hear me out.

I tried hard to sound relatively normal, but surely there was a quiver in my voice. I know I struggled to even speak at all.

Perhaps this was a very selfish thing to do.

12 hours later. I'm lying here asking myself if all of this was real. Did I really do that? Or was it just a dream?