Brugada Syndrome

Otherwise known as Sudden Unexpected Death Syndrome. A genetic condition where you could die suddenly for no apparent reason.

Thankfully, it's a negative.

How would you change your life if you knew that you could go to sleep at night and maybe never wake up again? After all, people always say you should live every day as if it were your last.

Perhaps the scare was not a bad thing. At least it pushed me to do something that I had never found the courage to do.

It has been an extremely emotionally exhausting day in so many ways. The whole day, I've been worrying about one person and, at the same time, thinking about another person. An extremely conflicting position to be in. At times, I feel bad that this is what was going through my mind. But, what can I do? They are both people that I care deeply about.

Hopefully, this was the very last time. I cannot handle another round of this.

Deja vu

The thought of tomorrow's events makes my head spin.

For one thing, there is risk involved, however low it may be. It still exists. Nobody can be sure of anything.

On the other hand, maybe we'll get some answers. The answer might not make a difference, but perhaps it's still good to know.

But the thought of going to this place makes me tense. The possibility of running into someone. The possibility of my worlds colliding again.

At the same time, a part of me wants it to happen. Let's deal with it all once and for all.

The thought of this entire process brings back a memory. It reminds me of something that (to me) was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.

There are too many things that can go wrong. There are too many ways that this could end badly. There are too many stressful things happening all at once.

Praying that things go smoothly.
Praying for some miracles.

遺傳自你的喜好...

Stopped by Second Cup this morning and bought a green tea latte to start my day. Walked to the office with my drink and ipod in hand and this song came up.

There is a line in the song that says "遺傳自你的喜好..."

All of a sudden, something hit me and I noticed my own actions...

How did I develop the habit of buying and sipping tea/coffee while I'm on the go?

It was her. Whenever she met me on campus, she would always want to buy a coffee. 99% of time, I'd be the one buying it. It was one of the few things she'd willingly let me do for her. And then, we would sit and chat, or just enjoy each other's company. It didn't matter what we talked about. It didn't matter if we didn't talk at all. It was being together that mattered. Somehow, in that silence, the connection was there.

I only wish we could have had tea more often instead.

Since then, every now and then, and especially when things get stressful, I have the urge to buy myself a drink. Do I really like the taste of coffee that much? I don't know. Perhaps it's psychological more than anything. Perhaps it's the closest thing to alcohol I can get on a regular basis.

For some reason, my drink didn't taste so good today...

The countdown begins...

Someone has sent me a message asking me something. It's the most inappropriate question at the most inappropriate time. So I've decided I'm going to ignore it and not answer.

It's starting to get to me.

For the last few weeks, I was still able to say that I'm not nervous. It was still far away enough for me to not care and not think about it.

Here we go.

Everybody is watching.

This is at least the sixth countdown to a high stress event this year. Hopefully, it'll be the last I ever have to endure. This is way too much to handle for my mind and heart. (But then again, I've seen much worse things.)

Regardless of what happens, there will be drinks next Friday. Hopefully, it'll be for good reasons.

給金牛座的1封信

Also from fb...

牛兒有大地的特質，承擔一切，喜歡保護弱小，擅長照顧別人。簡直到了犧牲奉獻的地步。尤其對於情人的要求，會放在第一位。甚至不等對方開口，都能察覺對方心意事先為對方准備好。牛牛的心很軟，很敏感。會因為悲劇的情節或他人的不幸而流淚。

牛牛：特悶騷，特害羞，特膽小，沒安全感，佔有欲強，控制欲強，容易胡思亂想，多疑，極敏感，嫉妒心強，容易吃醋，忽冷忽熱，忽遠忽近，愛顧影自憐，雙重性格，嚴重精神分裂，特大號神經病。

牛牛的愛情，講究一步一個腳印，而不是敗絮其中的徒有外表。牛牛一旦愛上了，就一頭扎進去。他們會從細節入口，一寸寸的呵護這份緣妙不可言的愛情。金牛對待愛情的這股認真勁兒，即使沒有甜言蜜語，卻實實在在做著牽手到永遠的努力，牛牛給予的愛情你傷不起。

牛牛脾氣很倔，如果有天真的把他惹怒了，絕對敢和你同歸於盡。讓牛牛消氣很容易，不管是金牛男還是金牛女，也不管對異性或者同性，只要你撒撒嬌說兩句軟話，包准牛牛不會再有脾氣。但如果是欺騙他，那你要做好被傷心的準備吧!牛牛的世界對欺騙者可是很無情的哦。

不善改變，他喜歡的就一直喜歡；他不喜歡的就永遠都不會喜歡。金牛可以為朋友兩肋插刀，可以做任何事。但他討厭被別人利用，所以如果你想與金牛交朋友就不要利用他。如果他知道了，雖然嘴上不說但是心裡會開始慢慢討厭你。

牛牛生性渴望理解，卻不奢求理解安於孤獨。他的優勢在於，對於別有用心的人能夠一眼看穿，並完全做到視若無睹。也許當自鳴得意時牛牛想的正是不和這頭牲口一般見識！看他就是這樣的心態清高地忍，讓憂鬱地承受卻酷得乾脆利落，只要不觸動他的底線一切都好。

一向以守財奴出名的金牛，面對自己重視的人卻可以非常的大方。對牛牛而言，一些不必要的花費是可以省下來的。但若遇到重要時刻，他可是花大錢絕不手軟，對情人更是大方。對牛牛來說花多少錢在情人身上，是表現愛意的最好方式。只要覺得有價值，牛牛是不會捨不得的。

Am I like this? In so many ways, yes.

Or...

Someone once told me that you portray yourself as one sign, and are viewed by others as another.

So...to the rest of the world...am I the Taurus or the Aries?

給白羊座的1封信

Saw this on fb....

白羊的人生可以用兩個字概括：糾結。

不管從哪一方面來說，白羊本身就是一個矛盾的個體。

與白羊相戀須知：１.很慢熱，我很冷漠　 ２.很直接，討厭轉彎 ３.不喜歡說話，也不喜歡你太吵　４.喜歡自由的感覺，討厭囉嗦 ５.心智很成熟，看事很透徹　６. 很絕　７.需要行動證明愛我。

羊羊人看上去不拘小節，其實感情上道德上有絕對潔癖。觸動原則的任何錯誤，哪怕再小都沒有辦法彌補。決絕的轉身不回頭，不難過，不留遺憾，不內疚。因為內心已經想的很明白，問心無愧，犀利得一塌糊塗。

你的一點關心，心思細膩的白羊會記得你對他的好。把自己的愛毫無保留的送給你，白羊是不被了解的可他們不會怨誰。他們會傻傻的認為讓我承擔吧，別讓別人也受到傷害。所以別讓他們最有魅力的笑容，成為掩飾痛苦的偽裝認真愛白羊，你會知道白羊的愛是充滿淚水的。

羊羊內心都很善良，很柔軟。羊羊內在的感性絕對不會亞於雙魚。羊羊真的是毫無心機地活在這個世界上。他善良得如此無私，往往讓人覺得不真實。他很怕被人誤解，尤其是被自己在乎的人誤解。羊羊其實本身真的很正直，確實耍不來心機。即使不被理解被誤解也依舊試著解釋。

白羊的反擊力很強，吵架的時侯羊羊可能會說一些很讓人傷心的話相信我羊羊真的不是故意的，那是他的直覺反應。吵架就是要吵贏！羊羊很可能一說出口就後悔了。可是很難拉下臉來衷心的道歉。不要跟白羊生氣，放他一馬。我保證他會很感激對你加倍的好。

羊很懶，不想活得那麼累。能簡單，盡量簡單。不愛解釋，始終認為懂自己的不用解釋。不懂自己的不必解釋。不想管那麼多不相干的事，他們只挑自己愛做的事。要嘛不做，要做就做到最好。其實羊羊也是完美主義者。

白羊座對好朋友可以很熱情，亂七八糟聊個不停。對比較普通的朋友很冷淡，聊不上幾句就沉默。羊羊很珍惜對他的好朋友，感覺是壞的叧有意疏離。羊羊的普通朋友很多，好朋友沒幾個。羊羊很孤獨常常自己一個人，一個人吃飯，一個人上學，一個人逛街，一個人發呆。

白羊真的沒辦法一心二用。聊手機時會把電影暫停，工作時不知道聽的是哪首歌，思考時不知道你在說的什麼。因為羊羊的注意力只能集中在其中之一，白羊們更不會去花心。因為羊羊喜歡簡單。腳踩兩條船，對羊羊而言是非常麻煩及複雜的事情，羊羊懶得去做因為羊羊真的很懶。

The part that strikes me the most is the self-giving part...

Yes, I hear you. No, I'm not gonna let you see me react.

Every now and then my mother tells me about the funny conversations she has with the neighbours. There's lots of stupid things. And then there's "interesting" things like today...

She told me that the teenage boy across the street is getting ready to choose his university and career path. And then she tells me that the latest news is that he wants to be...

A paramedic.

=_=

You've got to be kidding me.

Why is she telling me this? Is it really just casual conversation about the ridiculous things that our neighbours do? Or is she trying to see how I react to the word "paramedic"? Does she really think that I've completely forgotten about X? Does she really think that it's over?

It's not. It never will be, until we can have a real conversation about it all. That's the blatant truth.

And of course, (I think) she has absolutely no clue that two months ago she was walking right behind X. Nor does she know that I've been (somewhat) actively trying to contact X behind her back. Nor does she realize that I still care very much.

*sigh*

That aside. This may be a bad thing to say, but I hope that that kid across the street never becomes a medic. I would never entrust my life in his hands. And honestly, how could he possibly do it? He's not fit, nor very bright, nor reliable. And it's absolutely not the high-paying and easy job that they think it is. It's a difficult process, hard work, and dangerous.

And yes, I know I get worked up whenever there's something about medics.

Mystery

A transfer from a TTC 133 Neilson bus dated Jan 31.

Why do I have this? Where did it come from?

As far as I can remember, I've never been on that bus, and the route number is not even familiar at all.

What did I do on Jan 31st? Where did I go? Who did I see?

Keep on waiting...

There is the chance that things could go wrong.

There is the chance that it's not so simple at all.

There is the chance that we will revisit the past.

There is the chance that I'll run into a familiar face.

There is the chance for a lot of disappointments, in many different ways.

When I've finally mentally and emotionally prepared myself for everything that could possibly happen, you tell me we have to wait some more, and I need to maintain this state of mind for a while longer.

*sigh*

Bottles

There is something about drinking out of the bottle that makes it different. The feeling that you don't need to think. The feeling of washing everything away, at least temporarily. The feeling that everything around you has disappeared for a split second.

Just one bottle tonight. Didn't feel it at all. Wasn't quite enough.

Perhaps it's the failed attempts. Perhaps it's the unfinished business from this past week. Perhaps it's the things that are about to happen this week.

If only there really was a way to numb myself.

Class 2011

It's official. Another four letters.

Congrats, Class 2011. It's been a long two years and some, but we all made it, together.

I guess, for the most part, tonight was a good night.

There was just one thing missing.

But perhaps I don't deserve it.

Over three years later, I carry the same regrets into this ceremony, and leave the same imperfection.

Our pics were in the papers today...

Perhaps you saw it.

癡情司 MV #2

This MV reminds me of things, brings back a certain feeling, and makes me wanna cry.

The wonder of realizing that you could love someone so much, and that they love you back just as much.

The feeling that someone is tight in your arms, but you cannot hold on to them, and they are still very far away.

The feeling that someone far away is very very close.

The feeling of knowing your time is almost up, counting down the minutes and seconds, clinging on to every moment.

The feeling of never wanting to let go.

The sorrow of knowing that it won't last.

The sorrow of having to let go.

The sorrow of losing someone.

Nothing compares.

Nothing hurts as much.

Convocation # 2

There's only three tickets. =(

I still have a ticket from the 2008 convocation. Compared to that ticket, these are bigger and slightly nicer. But this time around, I don't have an extra ticket to "spare" or "keep".

What I had hoped for two years ago cannot come true.

With a bit of time to spare, I walked around the campus a bit after picking up my tickets. Perhaps it was a bad idea. From the various halls, to the streets, to the coffee shops. Every little thing tugs at me. At times, it's too much to bear.

I saw people lining up to go into the hall for their convocation ceremony.  People are happy, and excited.  But like three years ago, while watching these people, and thinking of my own convocation that is to take place, I don't feel it.

All I can think of is the same regrets, the same imperfections, the same sorrow.

It's just not complete.

Reverse Search

Flipping through the phone book on my phone, a name caught my attention...

The phone number is one that I've never called, and the name belongs to a person I've never met.

Quick search...

The phone number belongs to a house that is less than 5min from where I work, on a street that I pass by every day when I drive.

How interesting.

The Good Times and Bad

While chatting with M over dinner last night, we started talking about the release of the exam results that will be happening in less than a month. We never talked about it before, but we clearly have the same thoughts...

When she said she was gonna buy a case of beer for the exam release date, I knew exactly what she meant, and finished her sentence...

Regardless of what the results are, a case of beer is the answer. If the results a good, we can celebrate with a few drinks. If the results are bad, alcohol can numb you.

That's exactly what I was thinking a few days ago.

It's still a month away, but the pressure is on...

Approaching...

One week to convocation.
One month to exam results.

I've failed to invite a very important person to my convocation for a second time. What goes around comes around.

Let's hope I don't fail the exam.

*sigh*

Take 2

There are places I don't necessarily want to (re)visit.

There are scenes that I don't want to re-live.

There are memories that I'd rather not think about.

Yet...everything is about to happen all over again.

Why must we go through this again?

Sirens

This morning I passed by a house and there was a fire truck and ambulance in front of it. From the window, you could tell there were lots of people in the house and something was happening.

This evening I passed by the same house and there were two ambulances in front of it. Whoever lived in the house had called 911 for a second time in the same day.

Over an hour later, when I passed by the same house, the ambulances were about to leave.

Prayers for the family that house. I hope the medics were able to preserve whoever's life was at risk. I hope whoever it was lived.

And prayers for medics.