Unrequited

I guess I've failed again.

A little more disappointment.
A little less hope.

I've lost count.

Radar

While picking up some elderly relatives from church today, I stood in the crowded lobby of the church for a while waiting. At some point in time, I noticed a person standing by the doorway, also with an elderly woman. A tall girl with glasses and boyish short hair. Her clothes weren't fancy or dramatic enough to really show anything, but my gut feeling was that she was a TB.

At one point, we made eye contact and, surprisingly, she smiled at me. At that moment, I think there was a mutual understanding. After all, how often do you see an evidently TB-ish person at a Catholic church? Pretty rare.

That brief moment with the stranger made me chuckle.

My Kind of Christmas...

Earlier today, I was thinking about how everything is closed today and there's not much to do. So the question was...what would my ideal Christmas day would be like?

An ideal Christmas day would be lazily lounging around on the sofa, snuggling up with someone I love, watching TV/movies, with a nice cup of tea.

(Or actually, I guess I wouldn't mind doing that any day. But it seems especially suitable for a cold, wintry, Christmas day.)

Still...wishing...dreaming...

Christmas Eve Out

For the first time in many years, I did not spend Christmas Eve at home with family.

I've always thought of Christmas as a time to be spent at home with family.  I guess because, traditionally, it's a time when everyone has big family reunions for a big Christmas dinner.  But, for many reasons, I chose not to stay home today.

Seeing as there was absolutely nothing planned at home, there was no particular reason/need for me to stay home.  And, for sure, there are a few days that are already planned to be spent with them.  So, I mind as well spend the time with friends since there were actual plans.

On a different plane, I am (1) trying to build a different network of friends, (2) preventing myself from thinking about other things, and (3) changing the way my life works.  But, at the same time, I'm really playing with fire, every single time.

I had more than one invitation to Christmas Eve hang outs today, but I chose the one that I chose.  In the end, it's always a little more enjoyable to hang with like-minded people.  No need to hear about people complaining about their bf's.  No need to strategically fend off questions about my personal life.  No need to put up my guard.

Perhaps the topics of the night were kinda strange, but still a good night with good company.  Even chatting about such random (and perhaps even pointless) things, you can still learn a lot about each person, and about yourself.

What did I learn today?

I learned that I'm very bad at caring for other people.

Now that's something to think about.

Pen and Paper

Ironically...just saw a friend's fb status...

She was happy about getting a letter. Yes, a real pen and paper, handwritten letter, and not an email.

There's something about a handwritten letter that makes it special...

Relatively speaking, it takes a long time to write a letter, when you compare it with the mere seconds it takes to shoot out an email. So when someone takes the time to hand write a letter, you know they truly care.

There's no backspace key or delete key when you hand write a letter. It's whatever the person was thinking at the time, with nothing hidden, without any editing. Everything is real. (Not entirely true, I guess.)

And, of course, you see the physical object. What kind of paper did the person use? What does his/her writing look like? How is the paper folded? All, a projection of the writer.

Something so simple, yet so magical.

Hopefully, I've worked a bit of magic.

The day after...

OK.
Now it's getting to me.

I'm very good at doing things I will later regret, and I'm very good at making a complete fool of myself.

F**k.
What did I do?

Memory Jolt #87283

Somehow or other I ended up at a certain plaza today.

For all these years, I've never set foot there, simply because it's not a place that I would think of going to.

All of a sudden, everything from that night replayed in my head...

The snowy weather...

The movie...

The honking cars...

The couch...

And how everything happened that night...

Just a few words...

For the longest time, I've tried to convey a message with as little words as possible. Sometimes, less is more. Or, perhaps, I'm afraid to say too much.

This time around, I did something different. There's just too many things I wanted to say this time. One line would never suffice.

I spent a long time thinking, and a long time drafting. But, in the end, there wasn't enough time and space to put down everything that I had in mind.

Ironically, as I sat there, I turned around and saw two uniformed people sitting behind me having lunch.

I just realized I forgot something very important.

I'm unusually calm about it this time around. Yes, I worry. But, in the end, I won't know what happens anyway, so perhaps it doesn't matter. Blurt it all out and hope for the best.

A card, my business card, and a few words.

("A few words" is a huge understatement.)

Hoping for the best.

God bless.

Storyteller

It's immensely difficult to write something and get it just right.

I'm setting off to make a fool of myself, yet again. I've done it many times this year already. So I guess once more won't hurt.

Trust me.
I'm telling you a story.

Chicken Scratch

Time is passing...

Should I blurt it all out and hope for the best?
Or carefully craft this and play it safe?

Or...maybe, in the end, there really is no difference?

Where are we going?

My strange and awkward moments this weekend...

This weekend we had some family friends over. At some point in time, the conversation between my mom and this family friend went something like this...

(The "she" and "her" here is referring to me.)

Friend: Was there ever a time when she was very rebellious?
Mom: Ummm...not really.
(Conversation goes on...)
Friend: Was there a time when your relationship with her was very bad?
Mom: Ummm...no.

And all the while, I'm sitting here listening/watching this go on. Of course, she answered no to both questions. But that's not true at all.

Was I ever very rebellious? From my mom's point of view...of course, and extremely so. What could be more rebellious than me going out with a girl?! From my point of view, I was just trying to make her understand and see it from my perspective.

Was there a time when our relationship was very bad? Definitely. I bet there was at least a year when we didn't talk at all.

What was she thinking?

After getting my hair cut and washing my hair, it ended up a little frizzy and sticking up at the top. My mom was commenting and called me...

A Monchhichi.

*shock* Not sure if I should be scared or happy or angry about that.

Of all things, why would she call me that? Scared, because I wonder if she's trying to test me out again. After all, she definitely knows the significance that Monchhichi has to me. Happy, because it's kinda funny that she mentioned this without realizing what she'd just done. Angry, because the use of this "name" is "reserved", and I don't want someone else using it.

Honestly, can't we just have a real conversation and get all this over with?

Memphis

The show we saw tonight...

I can't remember the last time I saw a musical. It must have been on a school trip or something. But they've always been enjoyable. Nothing beats a live show.

Overall, this was a good show. Perhaps it's because I haven't watched one in so long. For some reason, it seems like there was A LOT of singing in this one and very little dialogue. I guess because it's a musical about music. Good performance and lots of amazing singers/performers.

But actually, what I find more amusing is my office's choice of entertainment. Today it was "Memphis", a musical about white vs black people in the 1950s. Two years ago, it was the musical "My Mother's Lesbian Jewish Wiccan Wedding". No need to explain that. Both rather controversial. Evidently, I work with some pretty tolerant and open-minded people!

Up!

As expected, and as I was hoping. =)

I don't know if I can really say I love this job, but I know I'm very lucky to have it. What more can you ask for than nice bosses, nice people and good pay?!

Another reason to splurge!

Stop & Think

It's time to stop and think about what I'm doing.

A friend asked me why she doesn't feel all that excited about passing the exam. In a way, that is also the way I feel. I am more relived than happy or excited.

My answer to that was that the end of the exams means you need to wake up and deal with all the other things in life, because you no longer have an excuse not to. The reality is, that might not be her reason, but it definitely is mine.

All the school and exams are done now. It's time to think about what to do next. It's time to think about what I really want from my life.

This is where the hard part begins.

Another Step Closer

Another big step closer to adding another two letters after my name.

When my clock at work read 11:56am today, I went to the website thinking I want to find out the very first moment that the results are released. To my surprise, they were already there. Clicking and scrolling through the pages was the hardest. Before I even got there, my phone was already ringing.

I did it. I passed this exam that is recognized as one of the most difficult professional exams in the world. =)

But the best part is WE did it. All three of us that studied through all the exams together. We all made it through, and nobody was left behind. That is the best feeling.

A year ago from now, we were all starting to study for the very first exam. Everybody was stressed out then, but compared to this, that was very easy. It's been a stressful year: endless hours of studying, endless hours of case writing, exam after exam. But here we are.

Thank you to my two study buddies who taught me so much through our endless hours together in the library. Thank you to our other study friends. Thank you to all my other friends who have listened to me complain and kept me going through the most stressful times. Perhaps some of you don't even know you've helped me, but you have in the some very subtle but important ways. I couldn't have done it without all of you.

One last time...

If I say I'm okay, that would be a lie, and the whole world knows it.

At some point today, I thought to myself, maybe I'll just get somebody to check the results for me. I can't bear to look.

If times were different, that's probably what I would do. But there isn't anyone in my life right now that I'd be willing to assign this important and fragile task to.

So...suck it up...put on a brave face...and wait another 9.5 hours.

Good luck everyone.