2012 Recap

This year has been really different from the last.  2011 was filled with numerous challenges and, with that, accomplishments.  2012, not so much.

Professionally, I guess I'm a bit closer to putting two (or three) letters behind my name.  Some time in the next 12 months, I guess it should all be done.  But the more I do this, the more stressful it seems to get, and the more I'm not sure if this is really where I should be.  Perhaps it's because a lot of people have high expectations of me.  The pressure is getting higher and higher.

A few months ago I started out on new plans to add an extra three letters to my name.  So far, it really hasn't been going according to plan.  Not quite sure how this is all going to work out, but it's all going to have to go through.  At least, that'll be one accomplishment to mark for 2013.

At home, I'm not sure where I stand.  Every now and then, I think that there are signs things are getting better.  But all of a sudden, something will wipe that all away and tell me otherwise.  Will there ever be progress?  I don't know.  At times I think that maybe it's time for me to break away from this all.  Perhaps it's the only way that I can change things.  I can now afford to, but the financial aspect is the least of my worries.  There are many more other things at stake.

After being in HK for a few weeks, I realize, once again, that my responsibilities are extending further and further.  There are a lot of people that need my attention, that will eventually depend on me to some extent.  I don't know how it's all going to play out, but I'm feeling it more and more.

Personally, perhaps I've never stopped being lost.  I think I know where I want to be, but getting there seems impossible.  A lot of things are changing and I keep losing the game.  A lot of things seem to be getting further and further away from me.  I've taken a road less traveled in hopes of getting to my destination and I've met some great people in my life because of that.  But this path seems to be taking me around in circles again and again and I seem to be losing people along the way.

Life is always complicated.  There are some things that are probably better off left untouched, because once you disturb it, things will change in a irreversible way.  And perhaps there are some things that need to be disrupted, or time will stand still.  It's just I never know which is the right thing to do.

It's been a blurry year.  There are some significant things that I remember clearly.  Some are good.  Some, not so much.  But for sure, it's been tiring, especially the last little while.  A lot of things have taken a turn and I just don't know what to do.

I haven't done anything these holidays.  Haven't gone anywhere.  Haven't met up with any of my various groups of friends.  I'm tired.  Just thinking about all the things in my life makes me want to retract.  Some days, I wish I could just sleep the day away and not think about anything.

That's....life.

12/28

Whatever.

I'm used to being the big loser.

My good intentions never bring the right results, and people always read way too deep into my words and actions.

I'm tired of censoring everything going through my mind.
I'm tired of guessing what the world is thinking.

That's a game I just don't know how to play.

Sometimes, things are really simple.  Don't think about it.  Don't read into it.  There's no need for that.  Just take it as it is.

(Not So) Silent Night

It doesn't feel like holidays.

It doesn't feel like Christmas.

Just not feeling it.

They call Christmas Eve "silent night".

It's not so silent at all.

How could it be silent when the heart worries?

Where are you at this moment?

Sitting quietly at home?

Or taking in the candlelight?

Wherever you are, I hope you've found some inner peace.

What if it was the end...

People always say you should live every day as if it's your last.

To some extent, I agree with that, because more and more I realize that there are no second chances for a lot of things in life.

But to live that out is totally something else.

To live that out, you would have to disregard the consequences of your actions.  How could I not care how my words and actions affect the people around me?  It's just not practical or realistic.

So people say that the end of the world is coming because the Mayan calendar will end at 6:12am today.  It's a ridiculous, but being me, you can't help but think about the questions associated with that.

What if I only had five hours to live?  What if the world did end in five hours?

If I only had five more hours to live, I know exactly what I would want to do.

If the world ended in five hours, I would have a lot of regrets.

That's kinda sad.

The Looking Glass

I'm peeking through the window.
It's one of my last ways to get a glimpse.

But what I've seen these past few days is very disturbing.

Why are there things about death?
Why are there things about funerals?

Is everything okay, my dear friend?

I'm worried about you.

Justifying...

What's the worse thing that could possibly happen?

Some random person will read what I write.

But I guess it doesn't matter.  I'll never know anyway.

(Actually, it could be a lot worse than that, but the chances are slim.)

At least, this way, there's still a chance.

For what it's worth......

Place of my own...

At the worst of times, I came across this picture of a messy apartment.  For whatever reason, it gave me the feeling of a home.  At the time, this was what I wanted.  A place of my own.  A place where I didn't have to answer to anyone and could come and go as I please.  A place where nothing else mattered.

Then, there was no way I could have a place of my own, but at least there was a place out there that I knew I could always go to if there was an extreme need.

This picture came to mind again these few days.  Perhaps the need to get out has always been in my mind.  It's just a matter of whether or not I do it.  Financially, it's definitely possible now.

The truth is...I'd rather everything be solved in a different way than for me to have to make this move.

But...as time goes by...the more I feel this is a choice I will have to make.

Why does it have to be this way?

Run

After going to the gym on and off for the last six months, it still seems to be a very foreign place to me.

Why do I go?  I'm not so sure.  Most people go to have a good looking body or to live a healthier lifestyle.  Do I care that much about a good looking body?  Not really.  Nobody's looking anymore anyway.  I don't need to look good for anyone.  Do I care that much about living a healthier lifestyle.  Yes and no.  But sometimes I don't even know what I'm living for.

Perhaps a bigger reason is to get out, to have a little bit of peace and quiet.  The gym is never a quiet place, but I can shut out the world with my music.  Then, I can just run and not have to care about what's going on around me.  In some ways, I can clear my mind and just focus on the running.

Or maybe not so much.  At times, the mind is so focused on running and so clear of other things that it starts to wander.  And the gym is really not a good place to let that happen.

If you maintain a certain routine, you end up seeing the same people at the gym.  Over time, there are people that I've come to recognize.  Some, because the things they do seem a bit odd.  Others, because I'm pretty sure I know them from somewhere.

And then, for whatever reason, there are people that you take notice of......

On weeknights, usually around 9pm or 10pm, there is a girl that comes by herself.  She's not very tall, nor very big, but seems to be pretty fit.  I always see her using the weight machines, on the treadmill or walking on the track.  I've noticed this person because, for some reason, I get the impression or gut feeling that she's kinda sad.

On weekends, usually around 10 or 11am, there is a girl that does weights.  She's always the only girl doing free weights.  She looks fit, and gives me the impression that she's training for something.  I've noticed this person because I have the feeling that she's not straight.  And watching her lift weights reminds me of someone else.

Over time, I'm growing to like running more and more.  If I can find someone to do it with me, I think I will consider doing a 5 or 10km run some time.  (That's probably the closest I'll ever get to doing a triathalon.)  But it seems that running is taking a toll on my body.  It seems my legs are always hurting after I run.  I think it's shin splints.  So, for the time being, or at least until I get some new shoes, no more running.

But I really could use a long run right now...

Run...to wherever...to nowhere....to the edge of the world......

You're right......
Running is a lonely endeavor......
Especially when I think of you.

Here we go again......

I really have no energy to argue anymore.  Before we even start, I've already lost, because you refuse to listen or believe anything.  Before we even start, you've already determined that I'm wrong and you're right.  What more can I say?

Sometimes, there are things I don't say because I don't want you to worry.  I'd rather handle it myself and save you a little bit of stress and worry.  The same goes for this time.  I left out a few details so you wouldn't get worried.  But, to my disappointment, all you care about is to accuse me of lying to you.  My safety was never your concern.  I didn't tell the entire story, but I did not lie.

You can accuse me of whatever and I'll swallow it.  But you've exceeded my limits when you bring back the past.  At that point, it's over.  I have absolutely no interest in talking to you.

A while ago, I was just thinking how this topic hasn't come up or been hinted at in a long time.  A part of me was almost starting to believe that maybe things could change.

Why would I be stupid enough to think that?

This time you said it.  You said you don't ask where I go or who I'm with because you don't want to know.  I knew that all along.  You're still afraid that, one day, you'll find out (again) that there's a girl out there.

But there isn't.  And you're accusing me of things that aren't true at all.  So why the f**k am I hesitating to do the things I want to do when, in the end, you're going to hate me anyway?

I wish there was someone.  Then, at least, even if you hate me, it would be somewhat worthwhile.  At least I'd have something.

There is nothing.  I can't fix things with you because you still think she's out there.  I can't fix things with her because you're dangerous to her.  So there's me, myself and I.  Drowning.  Neither here nor there.  What the f**k have I done with my life?  Why the hell am I even alive?  I really don't see a point.

I have always hoped that one day you would ask me about her and want to understand.  But you never have, and I doubt you ever will.

I've always hoped that one day she would give me a sign.  But she hasn't, and perhaps I've already lost the chase.

The conversation with one of my bosses about his daughter (Courtney) was very interesting tonight......

"Remember Alex?  Courtney's friend who worked at the office two years ago?  Well, they're engaged."

I remember Courtney.  I remember hearing from a coworker that she got engaged to someone named Alex. But I didn't remember who Alex was until now......

Alex is a girl.

"Courtney's a lesbian.  She and Alex are engaged."

I think he sensed that some people were a little shocked.  I thought that was the coolest thing in the world.

"It really doesn't matter who you're with, as long as you find the right person.  Alex is a great kid.  Courtney's really happy with her.  So they got engaged.  And that's awesome."

He said it as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

And I was truly impressed.

After leaving the venue, I set out for a drive again.  Anything to stay out longer.  This time, I realized I really don't have anywhere to go now.  Although my drives were somewhat aimless before, now I don't even know which direction I should go.

I thought about what my boss said while I was driving.  It was such a contrast to the arguments I had just had a few hours earlier.

And that was the trigger... ='(

Why can't you understand like that?

Perhaps...it's time for me to seriously consider my options......

Life of Pi

Last week, when I told a friend this is the movie we were planning to watch, she declined.  Her answer was very "sophisticated", saying that it's not the type of movie that she wants to watch at this time in her life.

It's true that this is not a movie that everyone would enjoy.  After all, a movie about a boy on a lifeboat can only get so exciting.  Yes, there's a tiger, but there's really not that much action.  It's very much a spiritual topic.  If you don't have patience and an open mind, this would probably bore you to death.

But this is, precisely, the kind of thing that I like right now.  Perhaps it's because there are so many unanswered questions in my mind.  Anything that is thought provoking is a way to see more, learn more and (hopefully or eventually) find some answers for myself.

There was one particular part that caught my attention.  I could not find the exact line, and it seems that the book is slightly different.  But I guess it still has the same meaning.

When Pi finally reaches civilization again, the tiger runs off into the jungle.  Pi was upset that the tiger never said goodbye and never looked back......

"It's important in life to conclude things properly.  Only then can you let go.  Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse.  That bungled goodbye hurts me to this day."

She once got upset that I never looked back.  I wanted to.  How could I possibly walk away from her without the slightest linger, without any feeling?  But I couldn't and didn't.  I knew if I looked back, I would cry even more than I did.  I didn't want to let her to see me cry again, because I knew it would be painful for her also.

Perhaps, like many other things that I've done, it was wrong.

But I did look back.  Every time.  Every time I left, I looked up and saw her shadow at the window.  She was always watching as I drove off into the night.  She never told me, but I knew.

Now that I think about it...I was always the one doing the leaving.....

A goodbye is not what I want or need, but if there was one, perhaps things would be different.

Lost Mail

(Photo taken from Chet Lam's FB)

This picture is the Christmas card and CD that Chet Lam has been promoting lately.  The condition was that if you order by the end of November, you would receive it before Christmas.  The first time he posted about it, I knew what I wanted to do.

It was nice to see this picture.  What's there is just what I want.

Not too long ago, I went to place two orders: one for myself and one to be sent to another address.  Just before filling out the address, I did a quick check to confirm my memory.  (I'm always afraid I'll write it wrong, even though I've written it so many times.)

There was no listing.

I'm sure I have the right address.  Not seeing the listing worries me.

Has the listing been removed?
Has the number changed?

Or...my haven is no longer there?

A quick search gave me some different results.  One catches my attention, but there's no way of knowing whether it's what I'm looking for.  Regardless of what I find, I could never use it, because that would just be wrong.

This...in many ways...has always been my last resort.
Without it, I'm not sure if there's anything else.

Normal vs Happy

A while ago, I searched Jeanette Winterson on the public library website and came across this book.  Strangely, I had never heard of it until then.  For various reasons, I knew I wanted to read it.  After all, the title is intriguing enough.

It turns out the book is somewhat of an autobiography.  I had read various things about the author's life from various places before, but this was very different.  It was also very different from her other books.

Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal?

That is the question the author's mother asked her when the world figured out she was gay.  Eventually, the author left her family and lived her own life, hardly ever returning to her family.  Essentially, there's a large focus on two things: longing and belonging.  An interesting read, with a lot of things that made me think......

"I was sixteen and my mother was about to throw me out of the house forever, for breaking a very big rule, even bigger than the forbidden books.  The rule was not just No Sex, but definitely No Sex With Your Own Sex."

"Our own front door can be a wonderful thing, or a sight we dread; rarely is it only a door."

"We bury things so deep we no longer remember there was anything to bury.  Our bodies remember.  Our neurotic states remember.  But we don't."

"It takes much longer to leave the psychic place than the physical place."

"Truth for anyone is a very complex thing.  For a writer, what you leave out says as much as those things you include.  What lies beyond the margin of the text?  The photographer frames the shot; writers frame their world......There are so many things we can't say, because they are too painful.  We hope that the things we can say will soothe the rest, or appease it in some way.  Stories are compensatory.  The world is unfair, unjust, unknowable, out of control.  When we tell a story we exercise control, but in such a way as to leave a gap, an opening.  It is a version, but never the final one.  And perhaps we hope that the silences will be heard by someone else, and the story can continue, can be retold.  When we write we offer the silence as much as the story.  Words are the part of silence that can be spoken..."

"I have noticed that doing the sensible thing is only a good idea when the decision is quite small.  For the life-changing things, you must risk it."

And...perhaps...that was my mistake.

What does it mean to be happy?

What does it mean to be normal?

It seems...I'm not normal...and I'm not all that happy.

So...what am I?

或者...我做錯了......

When we were still just friends, X once asked me, "If you fell in love with someone, would you tell them?"

At the time, I did not have an answer, because I had never really consciously fallen in love with anyone.  All I could give was a hypothetical answer.

If I fell in love with someone, I would tell them.  Yes, there is always the chance of getting rejected, but how would you ever know if you didn't try?

That was my answer.  Whether or not I would actually have the guts to do it is a different issue.

Whenever I think about the time she asked me this, I feel guilty.  She had struggled in deciding whether or not to approach me.  And I played a part in making it worse for her.

And now I've done it again to a second person.

X was very bold.  She never took the step of telling me that she liked me or how she felt.  She just went ahead and acted on it.  Perhaps it was because she knew (probably even before I did) that I had already fallen for her.  Perhaps it was because our relationship was already at an almost intimate stage without either of us clearly acknowledging it.  Although it was still hard to believe at that moment, deep down I had already known for quite some time.  I had never acknowledged it because I was afraid to let it happen.  Perhaps at some point I was confused.  How could I be falling for this person?  Someone who's lived such a different life from me?  A girl?  But after that initial shock and confusion, what prevented me from acknowledging her feelings for me (and my feelings for her) was the fact that I knew that I was going to get myself into a lot of sh*t with my family and this would eventually have a bad ending.

Perhaps I was wrong.  It was selfish of me to think like that.  If I had acknowledged the relationship earlier, she would not have had to go through her struggles for so long.  She was brave, but I know I really tormented her by not being responsive to her hints.  If I had acknowledged it earlier, we would have had more time together.  Perhaps, things could have been different.  Perhaps, things would be different now.

I'm sorry.

I'm not sure how all this happened with V this weekend.  Perhaps it was simply that I pushed for an answer to what I thought was a simple question and got a rather unexpected answer.  It was strange to put this on the table, but again, I had already known what was going on for quite some time.  I had never acknowledged it because (1) I wasn't completely sure, (2) I had no idea how to acknowledge it and (3) the answer is one she probably doesn't want to hear.  Life is way too complicated right now.  I cannot afford to bring anyone into my life.  Practically, it's impossible with all the restrictions that exist.  It just wouldn't be fair to anyone to have to live under my restrictions.  I did it to one person already and I made her suffer.  I cannot do it to anyone else.  Emotionally, my heart is still out there, with someone else.  I would never start a relationship with anyone that I could not fully give my heart to.  I would be betraying everyone, including myself.

But perhaps, again, I was wrong.  I was selfish.  If I had acknowledged this earlier and explained my position, perhaps it would have been easier on her.  Although she never had the courage to say it until now, I should have made things clear earlier and broken it off.  It's tough to have feelings for someone and have to keep a distance.  I know.

I'm sorry.

I never meant to hurt either of you...

Empty Handed

Numerous times this week, I haphazardly looked at my hands......

I remember lazily sitting around on her sofa with the TV muted.

Every now and then she would ask to see my hands.  She would hold my hand in hers and look at it.  She would study it and use her fingers to trace out the patterns on my palm.

I think...to some extent...she was trying to read my palm.

I remember...it was the way she held my hand that made me realize that we weren't just friends.

I looked at my hands today.  My hands feel weak.  Somehow, I've managed to get cuts and knicks all over them.  One hand has a small scar on it.

But, for some reason, what I noticed the most was......

My hands are empty.

After all the damage, I have nothing.  I have nothing to hold and nothing to grasp.  Even the last little bits are all being taken away from me.  There's nothing left.  All there is is my empty, helpless hands starring back at me.

A part of me wants/needs to cry.  But even when there is a suitable time and place, it seems my eyes are dry.  There is nothing left to let out.

='(

無奈...

Don't know what else to say.

Over the years, I've learned to expect (or not expect) a lot of things.

But not this.

Off-road...off-map...

Under the "About Me" part of my FB, I wrote this a long time ago:

"Doing what I need to do to get to that invisible destination that I'm not so sure exists..."

It's remained there for a long time because that is precisely what I've been doing and am still doing.

The path from A to B isn't always a straight line.  Sometimes you have to take the road less traveled.  This is what I learned.  And this long winding journey is the path I need to take to get to my destination.  I do what I need to do.  I take chances when I can.  It may be slow.  It may be subtle.  It may be painful.  But I've always kept my faith.

I cannot precisely pinpoint my destination.  I don't know how far I need to walk to get there.  I don't know how long it will take.  I just know what it looks and feels like.  It's a place I'm familiar with.  I can and cannot see it.  More often than not, my destination is invisible even to me.  But I've always kept my faith.

All of a sudden......it seems......

My destination has fallen off the map.

From time to time, I can still see a familiar place, but something tells me it's no longer the destination I've been looking for.  What was once there is gone.  I've found a stepping stone to a different place, but it would be wrong for me to use it and, for all I know, it could be the wrong direction.

It was almost time to take another step, but I'm not so sure I see any lights.  Where do I go from here?

Has my destination disappeared out of time and space?  Is the map fading?  Or have I become blind?

Lost...more than ever.

The void is growing again......

='(

No Listing?!

I just searched something,

And the results made me cringe.

I've done this search a million times.

How can there be no results?

Is my memory playing games on me?

Or something has happened.

With a little tweak, I found something else.

I'm not sure what to make of it.

Why do I have the feeling that I've caused this?

Tense.

Shivering.

Cringing.

Read, read, read...

The goal this weekend was to read, read and read.

The original plan was to get through the second session by the end of this weekend, but as it stands now, I'm still not even half way through the first session.

Fail.

To "blame"...

(1)  There's other things that I need to attend to at home.

(2)  My mind is thinking about work.  The thought of having to wrap up this job this week is extremely intimidating.  It's almost stressing me out even though I'm not working on it at the moment.  On top of that, I know there are a couple of other jobs that are waiting for me.  Not impressed.

(3)  It seems that two of my friends are going through some rough times lately.  M was lost someone.  R seems really stressed.  I wish I could help.  I hate seeing the people around me upset.

(4)  Having read so much about hocc lately, my mind keeps going back to other things and issues.  In light of all this, there's so much to think about.

(5)  A few months ago, I placed a hold on a book at the library.  I finally picked it up a few days ago.  This book is highly distracting right now because I'm finding that it's explaining some things that I didn't understand before, and because it hits all the right spots.

This studying thing is harder than I thought.  It really isn't that easy to fit in 15-20 hours of reading each week.  But I've put $1,000+ down on this already.  It's got to get done.

Skyfall

There's something about this song......

A few weeks ago, I read somewhere that a lot of people thought that this was the best (i.e. most suitable) Bond theme song.  It was at this point that I learned that the song was called Skyfall, same as the movie.  Seeing that it was sung by Adele, I was kind of curious, but never did end up looking it up.

When I saw the name Skyfall, I wondered what it meant, I wondered what it had to do with the movie.  I thought it would be a code name for something or other in the Bond world, or an armegeddon type idea.  After all, the song is talking about the sky falling.  But it really wasn't what I thought.

The song easily creates a picture.  The verses give the feeling that you're standing somewhere up high, looking down on a busy city.  The chorus gives a falling feeling, like an endless fall off a cliff or building.  Specifically, it feels like one of those moments where someone is falling (to their death?) and the scenes of his/her life flashes before his/her eyes.  Perhaps the title has something to do with it.  Perhaps this music video has something to do with it.  Perhaps its my subconscious reviewing my own life.  But this is what the song makes me picture.

I really had no intention of watching this movie, especially not on the opening day when there would be line ups.  I had told a friend that I wasn't free until after 9pm, expecting that she would complain that it's too late and give up and find someone else to go with her.  To my surprise, she suggested we go for the 10pm show. =_=  Regardless, I guess it was a typical Bond movie.  A chase after the criminal from beginning to end.  Entertaining enough, I guess.

Prayers...

I never knew Mrs M.  Nor have I met her.  She was merely a person that I always heard about.

I still remember how back in high school M often told us about her family situation.  Her parents were separated.  Her mother was in Montreal.  Her father was in Israel.  She lived with her sisters and their families.  M had a really good relationship with her sisters, but the in-laws never treated her well.

On and off, M told us bits and pieces.  Every now and then, M would get into arguments with the in-laws.  Every now and then, she would "run away".

Eventually, M ended up living with other relatives.  Although, perhaps, they treated her better, I know she hated being away from her nieces and nephews.

It was only in recent years that Mrs M actually came into the picture.  Every now and then, M would drive up to Montreal and meet with Mrs M and her brother.  Every time, she would post pictures of the good times she had with them.

It's been too short.  They deserve so much more.  They deserve more time with each other, to make up for all the lost time.

Prayers for M and her family.

Be strong, M.  You've been through a lot.  You can get through this.  And we're all here for you.

RIP, Mrs M.

Unbearable Weight

Physically, something doesn't feel right tonight.  I don't know what, but there's a certain dullness or heaviness.       It feels so awkward that I don't even want my coffee/tea tonight.  Perhaps it's psychological, because it's been stressful lately.  But, sometimes, I can't help but wonder if there really is something wrong with my body.  After all, I am somewhat predisposed.

Mentally, I'm exhausted.  This particular job is getting to be really stressful.  (Or, this type of job/work really isn't for me, because it seems to stress me out every single time.  Perhaps it's because I really don't feel confident doing this type of work.)  It seems I'm expected to finish up with this soon, but there seems to be quite a lot left to do.  On top of that, I have three other files to finish this week and things are starting to come in for one of my upcoming jobs.  And now, in addition to all this, I have my performance review to write.  In light of the upcoming performance review, I need to make sure the raise I got was earned.  Can't afford to slack off or make mistakes now.

Emotionally, my mind is all over the place.  My emotional world has been thrown into turmoil again.  Every now and then, I tell myself I'm going to do this or that and I'm going to set my mind to it.  And then, out of nowhere, something will come along and completely overturn what I was setting out to do.  Clearly, over this past weekend, this has happened again.  Something has caused me to re-think everything all over again.  Whether that's for better or for worse, I just don't know.

I'm tired.

But there's nowhere to rest.

History in the making

The time has (finally) come.

When I opened up FB this morning, a fellow fan from the forums had posted this video.  When I read the title, I thought I misread something.  I had to read it again to make sure I wasn't confusing my Chinese characters.

HOCC is out.

*shock*

Having followed her career for the last 10+ years, the fact that she's les is nothing new at all.  You'd have to be pretty stupid to not know or suspect.  But the fact that's she's actually come out to the world is.

Or at least somewhat.

Over the last few days, hocc's posted a lot of things in relation to HK Pride and the legislative issues that have happened over the week.  It's the first time she's been so actively and openly posting and writing about these issues.  If you've been a die hard fan long enough like me, it's pretty easy to notice that something is going on.  When her name started appearing as a guest for the parade, I already figured this was going to happen.

But, still, it's still quite shocking to see it happen for real.  After watching her strategically evade the questions and comments all these years, this is definitely still quite unreal.

As I watched all this unfolding these past few days, I was reminded of things from the forums.

Many years ago, when the forums were still very active, there were some controversial discussions when 勞斯萊斯 was released.  For the most part, fans were not surprised about what she was doing and were quite supportive.  But one discussion on one of the more popular English forums caught some attention.

Someone had commented that it was a stupid move for hocc to so openly and obviously bring homosexuality into her song and musical.  Yes, it was already done before, but much more subtly, since most people do not understand what 露絲瑪麗 and 再見露絲瑪麗 are talking about.  This particular fan also commented that hocc was almost throwing out her career by doing this.

I guess this became controversial because hocc, herself, came and commented, and was a little angered by the comment.  And, naturally, a lot of fans would echo what hocc said.

I no longer remember the details of that discussion.  I tried to find it again today, but it appears that the forum no longer exists.


What did I think way back then?  I don't remember.  But I was in no position to comment.  There were other more important things at stake for me.

What do I think now?

Perhaps this is the right time.  After the events in the legislative council this past week, the gay/les community needs a strong voice like hocc more than ever.  Now, in this day and age, after all these years, she has the power to do it.  Hocc has already established herself and her career to a point where coming out to the public probably won't affect anything.  If anything, the world loves her even more now.

I came across this blog post:

dare to love

I can no longer remember exactly who's blog it is, but I know it's one of the old-timers from the forums.  It basically sums up what I think.  If you were following hocc back then, chances are you've become silent but have never left and have always been watching.

HOCC, you make us proud.

After all this, what I'm curious to know is what the fan that made the controversial comment then thinks.  Did she watch all this unfold?  What does she think now?

I guess, looking back, I can see why she made those comments.  As she once said, it's better to play it safe until the right time comes, than to risk losing everything.


*sigh*

You're right.  Playing it safe probably made sense and was much more rational than jumping into the situation.  Perhaps things could have turned out a lot worse.

Except...I don't know what would have happened if I didn't listen...but I do know that playing it safe has cost me everything......

Including you.

Unlock...Unwind...

12:45 AM

It's time to split.  But I didn't want to go home yet.  As usual.

1:00 AM

It's dark.  And rainy.  And foggy.

Driving.  On the highway.  Music cranked up.  Coffee by my side.

This is my freedom.

But only second best.

Lost and Found (2)

When I was packing up to leave the client's office yesterday, I thought I lost something.  It's not anything fancy or expensive, but it's important to me.

I looked all around the table and floor in the boardroom but still couldn't find what I was looking for.  Seeing as I was being kicked out of the office so that they could lock up, I had to leave it.

This morning, when I arrived at the client's office again, I retraced my steps.  At one spot, I remembered I accidentally dropped my stuff yesterday.

It was right underneath the filing cabinets.

Phew.

What am I referring to?  A mechanical pencil.

While I was taking notes in pharm class one day way back then, the person with me was rummaging through my stuff.  She noticed the pencil I was using was slightly cracked down the side.  The other one in my bag was rather heavy.

So, right away, she insisted I use hers instead and, of course, told me to keep it.

Ever since, I've written every exam with this pencil.

It's a black mechanical pencil with a silver clip.  Nothing interesting.  Nothing fancy.  After I've used it so much, the cap is rather loose.  In fact, it doesn't want to stay on.  Half the time, I take off the cap so that it won't fall off when I'm writing.

Nothing more than an old pencil.

But it means that much to me.

It's nights like this...

1am
Hurricane
Pouring rain
Heavy wind
Power outages
Fallen trees
Flooded streets
People hurt

...that I'm relieved to know you're not out there.

Cuz I'd be extremely worried if you were.

(Well...on second thought...I guess...I still worry.)

Flashback #73209824

Had lunch with a few friends today......

At a place that I really didn't want to go to.

I once had dinner with someone at this place.  It was sort of a special day, and the person I was with was very happy that I could be there.

Just when our food had arrived that night, I got a horrible call on my phone......

We never finished the dinner.

And I abandoned someone very important to me.

To this day, I still do not understand where things went wrong.

I asked.  You approved.

You can't blame me for something I didn't know.

Perhaps this was what gave it away.

Perhaps this was the beginning of my nightmare.

HOCC - AWAKENING (Sep 13, 2012)

It was way back in July when I found out I would be in HK at the same time as the third re-run of Awakening.  Despite that rare coincidence, I never seriously considered buying tickets to watch the show, because I knew I could never fully enjoy it.  If I sat there to watch it, a part of me would be elsewhere from beginning to end.  It's probably just better if I didn't have to go through that.

A week before the show, the limited edition figures were announced.  Half jokingly and half seriously, I re-posted the pictures and said that maybe there's still tickets available.

That was my "mistake".  Because of that post, someone offered to buy me tickets to the show and watch it with me.  Due to the identity of this person, I really had no choice but to accept.  So, right away, that night, tickets were bought for September 13, 2012.

So...the show......

Audience
As expected for any hocc related event, most of the audience was female.  From the moment I walked into the venue, I noticed that.  There were pairs of girls and groups of girls, but very few boys or boy/girl couples.  You can't help but notice these things, especially at a hocc event, and especially when you're me.  But I wonder if my companion for the night noticed this.  And if so, what did she think?

Souvenirs
They did not let people in until about 15min before the show.  Everyone rushed in and headed straight for the souvenirs line-up.  Luckily, I was about second or third in line.  I had planned to get the book, because it was relatively inexpensive and worthwhile as a souvenir.  The price of the figure was never revealed, so I was a little hesitant when I found out it was $780HKD.  I knew it'd be expensive, but didn't expect that.  In the end, I decided to get it.  After all, what are the chances I'll get to buy another limited edition sold-on-site-only item?  Thankfully, my companion bought one two and was willing to pick it up for me.



Goo Family
I saw a lot of "familiar" faces while getting my souvenirs.  Although I had never met any of the fans in HK, I recognized a few of the helpers/volunteers from the pictures I saw on the forum way back then.  The forum is rather silent now, but it looks like a lot of the original people are still around.  Aside from that, there were fans chatting with Goodea.  Goomo was working hard supervising the souvenir sales.  During the process, I spoke to her about the figure.  We had asked the salespeople a question and Goomo came back to us with an answer.  She was very polite and very helpful.

Seats
The tickets we got were great.  It was about the 10th row, slightly towards the right hand side.  It was pretty close to the stage.  I think it was perfect, because if you were any closer it'd be hard to see the back of the stage.  Worth $480HKD?  In my opinion, absolutely!  In TO, you probably can't even buy tickets for the cheapest seats at that price.  And, of course, seeing hocc perform from the 10th row is priceless!

Language
I came to this show knowing full well that the cast was made up of both HK and Taiwan actresses and that it was going to be a combination of Cantonese and Mandarin.  But I didn't expect 90% of it to be in Mandarin and I didn't expect the dialogue to be so fast.  Thankfully, there were two screens beside the stage that had subtitles.  Unfortunately, the dialogue was so fast that you really couldn't follow the subtitles, and trying to follow it meant you couldn't see what was going on on the stage.  Catch 22.

Entrance
Just like the first time I saw hocc, her entrance onto the stage was somewhat mesmerizing.  For whatever reason, to me, she has a certain "aura" whenever she walks onto the stage, simply a very grand feeling.  I can still remember how she came on stage when I saw her perform back in 2004: the back wall of the stage revolved and she came out while singing.  This time around, she came through the big doors at the back of the stage surrounded by drifting snow.  Grand, but peaceful at the same time.

Content
I guess one of the unique points of this show was that there were no male actors.  But I didn't expect it to be sort of a PG show.  Surprisingly, there was some foul language in there and there were quite a few sexual jokes and body language thrown in.  In fact, they even threw Goodea into the pictures.  I must admit I didn't fully follow or understand the show.  I guess, throughout the show, my mind was half elsewhere, and not knowing the original story that this was based on was also a set back.  The first half was hard to follow, but the second half a lot easier.  Because of this, it wouldn't be fair for me to judge the storyline or acting.  That doesn't matter much anyway, considering this is just a 'record' of things for me.

Music
This was the first live show that I watched in a while.  Once again, I was reminded how amazing live shows are.  After following hocc's music for over 10 years, to this day, every time I watch her sing on stage I still can't help but think to myself what a great singer/performer she is.  This show was no exception.  Her singing was amazing, as always.  Perhaps when you're watching it live and can see her body language, it's just that much more emotional and that much more touching.  Too bad there weren't more songs.  In fact, one of the tracks on the album was not sung, only played during a scene change.  I guess the closing song was the most memorable to me.  She was singing in the snow.  At that point, the story had ended and she was singing like she would at a concert.  I guess a part of me would still rather watch her in concert.

People
There were two celebrities in the audience that night.  One was a famous Mainland actress who came all the way from Beijing.  Unfortunately, I don't know who she is.  The other was Gigi Leung and her Spanish husband.  I wonder what it was like to watch a show in a language you don't understand.  In terms of the performers (other than hocc), I was looking forward to seeing two people: 趙逸嵐 and 韋羅莎.  Having seen 趙逸嵐 in one or two movies, I was a little surprised that she was chosen to be part of this show.  But when I actually saw the show and her role, it all made sense.  I was really looking forward to see 韋羅莎 on stage.  In the past, I've seen lots of clips of her stage performances on youtube and she's always been great.  Unfortunately, she was not part of this round of performances.  But knowing what role she would have played, I think she would have been perfect for that role.

Post-Show
What was my reaction after the show?  I wish I could go and read the book and watch it again.  That probably would really help in understanding the show and make it a lot easier to follow.  Unfortunately, it would take me forever to read the book, and the chance of me being able to watch the show again is pretty much zero.  It took years and years for hocc to perform in TO.  What are the chances that the show would come to TO?  Zero.  As for my companion for the night, she said she would watch it again too if there was the chance.

So what do I take away from watching the show?  I guess I've learned to appreciate the album much more.  I now know the context of all the songs and can picture it happening on stage.  I've listened to the album a million times more ever since watching the show.  (As if I didn't listen to it enough before.)  Perhaps I never fully took the time and effort to understand it before.  But it definitely makes a lot more sense now.  Some music you'll like the first time you hear it, but those usually don't last long.  Then there are others that take time to sink in and take effort to understand and feel.  But once you do, it'll always sound good.  And this is definitely this kind.

Despite the 'excitement' of watching the show, something was still missing.  I'm grateful for the person who bought tickets for me and went with me, but she just wasn't the right person.  Throughout the show, somewhere inside, a part of me was still a little suspicious about it all.  What goes on when I'm not around?  I just don't know.  She also does not appreciate what hocc is about.

In the end, throughout the show, my mind was partly elsewhere, thinking about something else, thinking about someone else.  In my mind and heart, a hocc show is never complete without my partner in crime.

Perhaps...some day...maybe......

Working away...

The job I'm working on right now has been quite "interesting"......

1.  What we're dealing with are two very complicated topics.  It took me, a co-worker and two partners about a total of 6 hours to figure out how their transactions work and how we're supposed to deal with it.

2.  This is the first time I'm working with this co-worker and it's somewhat stressful.  It's easier to talk to her than the other two guys that I've worked with, but the interaction is not the same.  With the other guys, I'm pretty much free to do whatever part of the job I want.  With this person, she's in the position to take on more of a leadership role.  I must admit she's much brighter and more experienced than I am, but I dislike the fact that she seems to expect that she should tell me what to do.  I've done entire jobs on my own.  It really doesn't need to be like this.  On top of that, we work at the client 9am to 6:30pm and she still goes back to the office to do more.  Sorry, but I can't afford to do that.  She lives a 1min walk from the office.  She can leave the office anytime and be home in 2 minutes.  For me, it'll cost another $15-$20 to park at the office and another 30min to get home.  Unfortunately, this puts me in a bad position.

3.  The client site is interesting.  Lots of cars going in and out.  The fancy ones aren't on site, but I know they deal with them.  Everything from Honda to Mercede to BMW, and everything form Porsche to Ferrari to Lambourghini, and even Bentley and Rolls Royce.

4.  The most amusing part of this all is to see that there are people out there that will pay thousands of dollars a month to lease a luxury car.  But, if you're that rich and can afford to spend thousands of dollars on a car each month, why not just buy the car?  If you're that rich, the cost of the car is relatively inexpensive anyway, no?

October

As October is coming to an end, something came to mind.  Coincidentally, while looking at all the unpublished drafts sitting in this blog, I found a related unpublished post.

Perhaps, I never had the courage to post it when it was written.  And now, it no longer matters, because chances are nobody will ever see it.

What was written then can now form a part of the record of whatever this blog is supposed to be.  After all, it's part of the "story".  It would be incomplete without that memory.

It's "here"...

This was the most expensive purchase I made on my trip:
$780 HKD, or about $97.50 CDN.

That's pretty expensive for a figure like this.  Most people would think it's pretty crazy.  Why would anyone want a figure of some celebrity and cartoon character?  I don't know what the material is, nor do I know how big it is, and chances are I will never put it out on display, but I still wanted to get it.

I guess...to me...it has a certain amount of sentimental value in a variety of ways.

And, today, it's finally "here"!

Well...not really.

Someone has picked it up for me and it's probably sitting in a closet somewhere in HK  Seeing as it looks big and heavy, I've declined to have it mailed to me.  So, most likely, it'll be another two years before I get my hands out it.

For now... this picture will have to suffice...and I'll just have to wait patiently.

Recap - Sep 21, 2012

Despite having only lived in HK for four years (and most of which I have very little recollection of), sometimes HK feels more like "home".

I hate having to leave.  I hate having to say goodbye to all the people that are important to me.

It gets me every time.  I can never leave without shedding a few tears.

65M

Very nice interview.  Very well handled.

She was very honest about her views, her position and her relationship.

Regardless of what your views are on these issues, you got to give her credit for not denying things and avoiding media like most rich or famous people.

Another powerful voice and face for the circle.

Other than this clip, I watched another video/interview with her.  Something was different in the clip:  she spoke with a British accent.  I wonder why.

I know someone who does that.  Depending on who she's speaking to or her mood, she will speak with or without the British accent.  I guess...I can say I was lucky enough to have heard both?

Recap - Sep 18, 2012

After spending two days in Macau, I think I have no interest in visiting again.

From the beginning it wasn't so pleasant.  I was quite annoyed on the boat/ferry ride.  The person sitting behind me was dozing off, but was playing her music out of her cell phone.  Regardless of the type of music, that's annoying as hell.  This is public space.  You have no right to blast your music and force everyone else to listen to it.  Yes, this might just be a one-off thing, but coincidentally, the same thing happened the last time I went to Macau two years ago.

After arriving at the Macau ferry terminal, I proceeded to the washroom.  As expected, there was a long line up.  This was not the issue.  The Cantonese cleaning lady was very politely using her poor Mandarin skills to address the people waiting in line.  What was she saying?  She was telling people to line up, flush and to not go on the ground. =_=  Two minutes later, she walks out of the washroom.  What happens?  The people behind me rush ahead and cut the line.

Later in the day, we got on a bus to get to our next location.  A man got on the bus and started chatting with the bus driver.  From their conversation, I take it that the man was also a bus driver.  They chatted the whole time, very loudly, and it was extremely annoying.  Then, at one stop, a man (evidently a tourist) got off through the back doors.  However, within seconds, he hopped back onto the bus.  The bus driver (literally) yelled at him to get off and go through the front doors.  The tourist went to the front and explained that he made a mistake and this wasn't the stop he wanted to get off at.  The driver very rudely yelled at him, saying he can get on, but he would have to pay again.  The tourist did as he was told but started arguing with the driver.  The driver, again, very rudely yelled at him to get off the bus, and then threatened to beat him up.  After the tourist got off and the bus drove off, the two drivers at the front laughed and joked about the situation.  WTF is this?

I don't mean to be racist, but the reality is that all the above incidents had one thing in common: Mainlanders. The women blasting her music, the people cutting the line and the threatening bus driver were all Mainlanders.  What more need I say?

It seems Macau is very different from what it was two years ago.  It's crowded everywhere you go because of the vast amounts of Mainland tourists.  It's almost like visiting China.  If I need to deal with or see situations like these again, then I know I don't want to go back.

All the bad things aside, there were some highlights......

It was kinda cool to visit the places where my parents and grandparents used to go.  From the street where they lived, to the schools, to the church, to the markets.  Although they're all different now, it's still nice to know.

For lunch one day, we went to a Portuguese restaurant.  That restaurant has been around since my parents' childhood.  It's nothing fancy, but still a popular and well-known restaurant.  The chicken and ribs weren't all that great, but the grilled sardines and fried bacalhau balls were really good!

Dreaming...

Heard this song from somewhere the other day...
Not sure where...

Dreaming is a strange thing.  Does reality affect your dreams?  Or do your dreams hint at reality?

Too close to home...

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...

Recap - Sep 16, 2012

坐車經過 HKAPA, 阿嫲見到賈寶玉廣告問係乜。阿媽話係舞台劇，重話我睇o左。跟住就全車人係到問長問短。=_=

阿嬸重要加句話何韻詩好英。

我應該有咩反應呢？

Recap - Sep 13, 2012

HK vs TO

While on the bus today, I noticed the women sitting across the aisle from me was sitting rather sloppily.  When I looked over, I realized she was drinking a can of beer.  Really?  Drinking and getting drunk on public transit at 10AM in the morning?

Odd.

Or maybe not.

One day not too long ago, I stepped into the TTC station after work and noticed a woman that was sitting on one of the benches.  She was making a mess filling her water bottle.  When I looked closer, I realized she was pouring vodka into her water bottle.  What was already in the bottle was not water, but vodka.  She got on the same train that I did and could barely keep her balance.  Halfway to the next stop, she started rummaging through her jacket and backpack looking for something.  And cursing.  She got off at the next stop and continued to search for something.  And cursing all the way.

I guess the person drinking on the bus in the morning wasn't so bad.

On another journey today, the bus passed by a stop where two people were waiting:  a Caucasian man pushing a woman in a wheelchair.  They wanted to get on the bus - an old bus with very narrow doorways.  I was on the upper level on the bus, so I'm not exactly sure what the conversation exchanged was.  But, at first, the man seemed to go to the back, wanting to go through the back doors.  Obviously, that didn't work out.  Eventually, I assume the bus driver told them that it wasn't possible for them to get on, and that they would have to wait for a bus with the accessibility features.

How unfair.

That would never happen in TO.  As much was people complain about poor public transit, I'm willing to believe that anyone in a wheelchair could get on 99% of the buses and subways in the GTA.

When you're a minority, perhaps TO is a better place to be.

Are you happy?

While talking about career paths over lunch today, my friend talked about a friend of hers.  Her friend really wanted to be a doctor.  She tried, and failed.  After many attempts, she finally got into the medicine program, and was really happy.

Hearing this, I immediately thought of X.

She always wanted to be a doctor.  In fact, after two degrees, she was brave enough to go back and do courses to try and get there.  Even after going down a slightly different path, I know medicine was still on her mind.

I've always admired her for having a dream, and having the courage to take the road less traveled.

From publicly available source, I have a vague idea of what she's doing now.  It should still be the position she started many years ago.  (I always wanted to have her tell me about this job, but there was never the chance.)  I guess it's not her dream job, but perhaps you can say it's a little closer.  The environment is one she likes, and I guess she can now (more) easily meet up with a good friend of hers.

Why am I thinking about this?

When my friend said her friend is becoming a doctor and was really happy about it, I couldn't help but think about what X is doing.  To her, it's probably not ideal.  Perhaps, in her words, it's like settling for "second best".  In the end, she wants to be saving lives.

My dear friend...are you happy?

Deep down, I hope and wish for a lot of things.  But what matters most is whether or not she's happy.  Even if I can never get all the other things, I at least want to know that she's happy.

It seems...I don't even have that privilege.

From our very very first interaction as strangers, the first thing I felt was her stress and sadness.  And it was a simple gesture I made at that time that connected us.  Perhaps it's because of this that it matters a lot to me whether or not she's happy.

I noticed she added things to her wishlist yesterday, and a couple more within the past month.  They were all items that were spiritual in nature, and related to religion and faith.

That actually sort of worries me.  Is she searching for her spiritual calling?  Or, are there things that are making her feel lost and uneasy?

*sigh*

God bless...and may you find your inner peace.

[................]......don't think about what it means...just know that I do.

Next Steps

I've been back from HK for three weeks and M has been bugging me to meet up for all this time.  So, although I was a little hesitant, we finally met up for lunch today.

(Right off the bat, I was a little annoyed that she was late.  How is it possible to be 30min late when the location is 5min away?  I really don't get it.)

So M has new plans.  After completing 2 of 3 CFA exams, she's decided to sacrifice all of that.  The new plan...is to move into tax at a Big 4 firm to get some experience, then do a JD and become a tax lawyer.  Why?  Based on my understanding, it's for the status and money, although she says she likes that kind of work and that working at an accounting firm would get boring.

Quite frankly, that's something I have no interest in, but if that's what she wants, then sure.

I admire people that have plans and know what they want to do, because I'm never like that.  I never know where I'm going.  I'm not a planning person.  I can only make choices as they come up.

So what's next for me?

I guess right now there are two main questions:
(1)  Should I try to get a job at a big firm?  If so, when?
(2)  Should I do CFA?

A lot of people around me tell me I should do both.  I guess from a career perspective it makes sense.  Getting some big firm work experience improves my chances of working at big companies later on down the road.  Doing CFA gives me extra credentials which, again, improves my prospects of getting good jobs.

I know everyone around me means good, but they're forgetting one thing......

What do I actually want?

I really have no interest in having high power and status or making lots and lots of money.  I take no interest in being a CFO or CEO.  In fact, I'm not even sure I'd want to be a partner at a public practice.  All I want is good pay and stability, and there's a point where it's enough.

Over the years, enough has happened in my life that I know what my priorities are.  It's definitely not a career.  It's nice to move up professionally, but there are lots of other things that take precedence to that.

If I could choose, I would willingly give up a career for other things that are more important to me.

Recap - Sep 10, 2012

This was the first time this trip that I could get some time alone and do things I wanted to do.  Of course, that means I do my CD/DVD hunt.

Over the years, the variety of things that I buy have reduced drastically.  I used to spend a lot on a lot of different artists.  Now, the only ones I buy are basically HOCC, Chet Lam, AT17 (or Ellen or Eman).

Most of the stuff I listen to nowadays are on the border of pop/indie.  Few people know them.  Few people like them.  (Aside from HOCC, that is.)  As fellow fans always say, it's a love or hate relationship.  There's nothing in between.  You either love them, or you hate them.  There's no "just okay".  In fact, chances are you either love all three of them or none at all.  It's been said so much that it's almost like a stereotype.  But, from the people that I know, it seems to be true.

This time around:
1.  何韻詩 - 賈寶玉 Awakening (國語版)
2.  一峰一人一結他 2011 CD/DVD
3.  盧凱彤 - 你根本不是我的誰 Single
4.  林二汶 Self-titled album
5.  林二汶 - 給前度的音樂會

That's about $500-$600HKD worth of music.  To me, it's well worth it.  Lower prices, no delivery time and can even find the rare ones that don't seem to be available in TO.

I also wanted to get the two albums by Yoyo Sham.  But with limited time, I was unable to find them at the places I went to.

Many years ago, I was able to find (and buy) HOCC's "First" at a second hand CD shop.  Since then, I've always gone to that store every time I'm in HK, just to see what they have in stock.  For the last few times, they've always had a limited edition HOCC box set from one of the concerts.  I've always had my eyes on  that, but due to the price and size of it, it would cause way too much trouble.  Unfortunately, this time around, that box set is no longer there.

On the way to one of the CD shops that I visit, I went through a small shopping mall.  Sadly, the store with a window full of monkeys is gone.  I've always noticed that this store had a large variety of monkeys.  In fact, I've always had my eyes on a certain pair.  But now it's gone before I had the chance.

Things are always changing......

It seems I don't enjoy listening to music as much as I did before.  Is the music less attractive and touching than before?  I don't think so, because a lot of the artists I listen to have definitely grown and improved over the years.  Am I less attentive?  Perhaps that's part of it.  Or maybe I've chosen to not let myself feel so much?

Scenes

While driving on the 401 today, I passed by Kennedy Commons and noticed the AMC sign is gone.

Quick search...and came upon this......
http://www.torontoobserver.ca/2012/09/30/am-c-you-later/

It turns out that during the few weeks that I was gone, the theatre closed for good, as part of AMC's withdrawal from Canada.

I've only ever been to that theatre once, but I remember it very clearly.

It was New Year's Eve, many years ago.  We had watched "Memoirs of a Geisha".  When we came out of the theatre, the ground was covered in light fluffy snow.  It was just past 12am as we wished each other a happy new year and walked silently to her car and headed back to her place.

What follows......is history.

It was not until much later on that I found out that what she actually wanted to watch that night was "Brokeback Mountain".  But she never suggested it, because she didn't know how I'd take it.

When I think about this, it baffles me.  She was uneasy about suggesting a movie with a sensitive topic.  But, in the same night, she took a huge leap of faith in the same direction?

The city is changing.  Every now and then I drive by familiar places and notice that it's not the way I used to know it.  It's almost a struggle to remember what it looked like before, and to lock away the memories.

A lot of things are changing.  For better?  For worse?  I just don't know.

All I know is...

Some things haven't changed.

Recap - Sep 7, 2012

Looking at all the people around me, I can't help but think of her......

I don't want any of this.  All I want is quiet time with her, alone, just me and her, away from the rest of the world.

She should have gotten my card by now.  I haven't gotten anything in my inbox.  I'm afraid to check the tree hole.  The thought of it gives me chest pain.  I can't bear to look.  What if it's gone?  What if there's something I don't want to see?

Every time I'm in HK, I see all obvious couples on the streets.  Why don't I live here?  Why can't I do that?  Why can't it all work out?

Recap - Sep 6, 2012

Yesterday I shared hocc's FB post about the limited edition figure that will be on sale at her Awakening show over the next week...

Anyone who's been following hocc over the years will see the significance of that figure.  Not only does it mark her 10th anniversary production, but it also incorporates 小丸子, Little Prince and (if I'm not mistaken) her two cats that have passed away.  To any die hard fan who's been around as long as I have, this is one awesome item to have.

Clearly, I forgot to change the settings on my FB post......

Today, somebody has offered to go to the show with me.

I didn't know how to react.  Yes, the fan in me wants to see the show.  It's the 10th anniversary production and it's a well-known fact that there will not be a DVD afterwards.  It's now or never.  But somewhere further down, I'm still very reluctant to watch a hocc show.  I know that, for sure, it will tug at my emotions way more than I can handle.

I once told myself that I would never watch a hocc show without the right person.  Way back then, I made a mistake.  I went to watch the show in hopes of running into the right person.  I did not enjoy the show.  I'd really rather not put myself in this position again.

But, in this case, because of the identity of the person that has offered, I can't say no.

This person knows a lot.  This person knows everything.  This person knows very well what the connection between hocc and my life is, and everything in between.

This kind of scares me.  What is she thinking?  Which side is she on?

Recap - Sep 3, 2012

At the moment, I'm riding on a way boat to some peninsula that I've never been too.  It's around sunset time.  It's nice and quiet.  Rather relaxing.

But watching the sun set before my eyes makes my mind wander......

It would be much more enjoyable with the right company.

It's been a few days now.  Has she received it?

The question that came up today was whether or not there is somebody to pick me up from the airport when I return to TO.  I'm not sure if I'm just paranoid, but the way the question was asked was quite strange.  The question was whether or not there is somebody to pick me up, and not if I can find someone to pick me up.  Who are they expecting to pick me up?  The implications are perplexing.

What are you thinking?

What am I thinking?

What is she thinking?

(This makes no sense because it's written after the fact, after the things I'm referring to are all said and done.  But, again, it's still worthwhile to write down my thoughts from that day.)

Recap - Aug 31, 2012

Every single time...
I start to regret the day after......

What have I done?
What will she think?
What will she do?

I'm such an idiot.

(This makes no sense because it's written after the fact, after the things I'm referring to are all said and done.  But I guess it's still worthwhile to write down my thoughts from that day.)

R's Big Day

After a year of planning, yesterday was the big day......

R is now officially Mrs Li!

Congrats, to my friend of 20 years.  I'm happy for her, and it's an absolute honor to be part of her big day.

Unfortunately, for me, now that R is Mrs Li and is officially moving to their new home, I've "lost" my friend.  She'll no longer be 20 houses away, and it'll be much harder to have spontaneous ice cream meetups and cheesecake sharings.  I'm gonna miss having a friend so close by...

A year ago, when R asked me to be one of the bridesmaid, I couldn't say no.  How could I possibly reject a friend of 20 years?  (After all, how many people has kept in touch with a friend for 20 years?  Not many.)  I had agreed right away, knowing full well what I was getting myself into.  My biggest "challenge" in all of this, of course, was the dress code.  But from the moment I had said yes, I knew I would have to put up with whatever was thrown at me.

Having to put on a dress for the first time in a good eight years was extremely awkward.  On top of that, it was a short, pink, strapless dress.  And, of course, to go with that, was the hair and makeup.  It really doesn't get more "extreme" than this, by my standards.  The first 10 to 15 minutes was awkward, but after that, I knew I just had to put on a good show and I was way too busy to even think about what I looked like.  All I knew was I had to make sure that nothing goes wrong and give my friend the best possible wedding.

For the most part the day went smoothly.  At the ceremony, we had some technical difficulties.  I guess the high-tech approach they were depending on was a little risky.  Thankfully, everything worked out in the end.  In the evening, there were also technical difficulties.  Again, tech is bound to fail.  At least it wasn't anything too important.

The people......

During this period of time, I've met two people that I've heard a lot about in the past.  The first was the groom's sister.  I have to admit that from her FB profile, I was expecting not to like this person.  But I guess we got a long pretty well and she's actually quite different from what I was expecting.  The other person I met was one of C's best friends, RK.  I've always heard of this person and, in fact, have seen her many many times.  After all, (1) we went to the same school, (2) she was a client of my former boss and (3) we live on the same street.  But it wasn't until these few weeks that I actually met her.  We actually hung out quite a bit on the night of the party two weeks ago.  It was actually more natural hanging out with her than with some of R's other friends.

Now that I think about it, it's actually kinda cool.  R, C and J are siblings.  They each have a good friend (namely me, RK, and RK's brother, respectively) who are the same age and literally live around the corner.

The highlights......

The touching part:  R was in tears when she was saying her wedding vows.  C was in tears when she made her little speech.  I've known these two sisters forever.  Both were touching to me.

The crazy part:  The DJ played Gangnam Style twice and, of course, everybody knows the dance.  With R's partying cousins and BA group, it was a pretty funny sight.

The worst part:  We were outside for 2 hours taking pictures in the freezing cold.  We were in our dresses and the guys in their suits.  The rest of the world in their winter jackets! =_=

For the whole day, I was partnered with R's younger brother, simply because I'm the tallest girl and he's the tallest guy.  It wasn't until today that I realized how much he has grown up.  I still remember when he came over to my house way back then and (literally) ripped my basement apart.  Today, although he was the youngest among the groomsmen, he was quite the gentlemen.

The disappointments......

J didn't come over from HK.  To me, this event was a little incomplete without J.  R, J, M and me used to always hang out together.  Way back then, we joked that R would be the first one to get married.  And now it's really happening.  How could J be missing from such an important event?

I was a little frustrated with some people in the bridal party.  Some had clearly not looked at the schedule or their assigned duties.  Some were sort of standing around not doing much half the time.  Some left before the guests.  Seeing as I don't want anything to go wrong, I picked up the slack whenever possible and was one of the last people to leave.  I don't want my friend's wedding to be ruined by some irresponsible people.

The rather amusing parts for me......

There was a table of BA people, although not from my year.  I recognized most of them and some of them recognized me.  If they didn't recognize me, they definitely recognized my name.  When I "introduced" myself, their reactions were quite amusing.

At one point in the evening, M came to me and said, "F asked S to ask me if you're single." My reaction was OMG =_=".  F was some really tall guy I had just met in the morning.  Apparently, he went to BA also and was in the year before me, but I have absolutely no recollection of this person.  Nor would I ever be interested. =_=  Thank goodness I'll probably never see him again.

After that, M tells me I should consider F.  I said no, and she tells me to consider the Taiwanese photographer (who everyone thought was a nice guy) instead.  When she said this, I wanted to laugh.  If my instincts are correct, that photographer was a TB!

Numb

Spent the entire day...with my two monkeys...waiting.
In the end, just like every other time, there was no result.

Have my words been lost in space and time?

Or trashed without a chance?

Or simply not worth it?

More extreme measures?  A part of me wants to say f**k it and go ahead, and this would have been the perfect chance.  At least, today, I'd have one less thing to worry about.  But how could I?

What can I do except walk away empty handed, once again?

Disappointed?  Very deep down.  But after all this time, I can now (at least superficially) walk away without feeling anything.  I can walk away and go on with my day as if nothing has happened.

Because nothing has happened.

I've revealed my knowledge of the tree hole.  A part of me had thought that maybe there would be something there today, but nothing.  Now that I've shown myself, the tree hole will become useless again, just like the ones before.  That means I've lost my last connection again.

Perhaps I really don't understand.
Perhaps I'm believing things that really aren't worth believing.
Perhaps words are nothing more than words.

Perhaps there really is nothing in this world that I can place my faith and trust in.

Perhaps...I'm really nothing more than an unwanted shadow of the past.

Faith

Believe in what you can't see.
That's all I have.

Edit

I had everything planned today.  I (sort of) knew what I wanted to do, and it was just a matter of carrying it out.

Until I read this......

I guess it made me re-think what I was "saying".  Perhaps, I really need to be a little more careful with my words and actions.

I did not send off the monkey.  Instead, I took a step back, simplified my message and, five minutes ago, put it into the mail.

What I've read makes me worry that I have been and am still doing the wrong things.  But, perhaps, it's wiser to leave myself a chance.  If it works the way I'd like it to, then great.  If not, then maybe it'll be the beginning of the end.  Regardless, I can't just throw away this once in a lifetime opportunity that I have.

I've been planning all along, and this one horoscope reading changed my mind.

Yes, I guess I can be a little superstitious at times.  And, ironically, the reason I even read the horoscopes is the same reason why I'm sitting here writing.

And here begins a three-week wait.

For better, or for worse...

To be determined.

The Hardest Thing

Heard this song on the radio today.

This song was fairly popular way back then, and I kinda liked it, simply because it sort of sounded nice.

When I hear it again now, today, it's a totally different feeling and it almost brought me to tears.

It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion when you start to cry
I can't let you see what you mean to me
When my hands are tied and my heart's not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

Read Me

Can't find the words to let out what I'm thinking and feeling.

Can't find the words to write what I need to write.

Another blank page...with so much written......

Are the eyes of the soul reading?

Sedative

It's almost 1:30am, and I'm still here sipping my drink.

I'm not sure why I'm still here.  Is it because I need to finish what I'm writing?  Is it because I don't want to lie in bed and let my mind/emotions wander?  Is it because I need to tire myself out to sleep?

Thank goodness low doses of alcohol can be sedative and it's starting to kick in.

Otherwise, it'd be impossible to sleep.

Can someone tell me what to do?

星盒子 - 折磨

This is a group that very few people know.  This is a song that very few people know.  I know this song because of her.  It was her that introduced me to this group and this song.  It used to just be a nice song. Until I paid attention to the lyrics.

作詞：林一峰
作曲：區永權/林一峰
演唱：陳鳳

想著你在想什麼　想著你在做什麼
面對你無法開口　一次一次的錯過　漫漫長夜有誰陪你過
沒有應該不應該　沒有誰對跟誰錯
是否沒有發生過　還是我們已擁有　一種不用說明的承諾
Oh 明天我還是要過　面對一個人的生活
But loving you, needing you 我享受　這種折磨
想著你在想什麼　想著你在做什麼
能否繼續走下去　連自己也沒把握 只是我享受這種折磨

To be honest, I don't like this torment.  It's eating me alive.

But the question in this song...
Is the question I wish I could find an answer to...

是否沒有發生過　還是我們已擁有　一種不用說明的承諾

I've always had faith.

Running

Why are you running?  Are you running from something?  Or are you running to something?

That's not you.  You always know what you're doing.  You always know better than me.

I'm the one that runs.  I run because I don't know what else to do.  If I keep running, I don't have to stop, I don't have to think about it, and I don't have to face it.

Perhaps everything that I've done over the years was all wrong.

I knew to never really expect anything, even though inside I really did hope and wish.  All I wanted to do was show that I care.  Maybe the things I wrote were too much.  Maybe all the things I've done have taken a toll on you more than anything.

I don't want to be the shadow.  I don't want you to feel stuck.  I don't want you to feel trapped.

So if it's me, then I surrender.

If there's something I can do to free you from the shadow so that you can move forward (or backward) to wherever it is you would like to go, then that's what I'll do.

I've always hated to see you go.  I've always hated counting down the minutes to when I have to leave.  It kills me inside, every time.  The thought of losing you, forever, is too much to bear.  But all of that I can still live with, because what crushes me even more, and is most unbearable, is to see you in pain, especially when it's caused by me.

Should I be completely honest?  Perhaps I need to be if I want you to know why I'm doing this.  But being honest likely means I'll lose the tree hole (again).  But if I'm not completely honest, I risk another misunderstanding.  And, to begin with, this is already going against what you once taught me.

I'm sorry.  I never meant to hurt you.

Perhaps...it's time for the monkey to set out on his last mission.

Perhaps...this really will be the one last time.