其實...

其實唔係我冇心，只係做法唔同。

其實我咩都冇講過，但係你會當我係默認。

其實唔係我有好多秘密，只係你唔想聽。

香港人

Every now and then I meet new people at school, at work, at whatever.  If the new person I happen to be meeting is Chinese, at some point, they'll ask me, "Are you from China?"

This is supposed to be a simple yes or no question, but it's not.

So my usual answer is, "I'm from HK."  I don't say yes or no, because neither is completely appropriate.

Some people will accept that and move on.  Some people will start saying how HK is part of China so that means I'm from China and so on and so forth.

There was a time in high school when the school was collecting some statistical data.  On one of the papers, it asked what country you were born in.  My friend sitting next to me said, "What do we answer here?  HK?  But HK is part of China.  I'm not putting that I'm from China! Whatever! I'm putting HK!"

Well...that says it all.

Sorry if this may sound a little racist or whatever.  And I do know some people from China that are very good and respectable people that are my friends.

But, yes, there's a difference.

I'm pretty sure most, if not all, HKer's would never say that they're from China.

Roses are red...

While on the bus home today, I noticed the little girl (probably around 10 years old) sitting next to me seemed really happy and excited.  After a while, I sort of figured out why.  She was clearly fascinated by the sight of a girl who was holding a bouquet of roses received from her boyfriend.

In turn, I thought it was kind of funny that this little girl was so excited about the flowers.

Do all girls like to receive flowers?

I've never actively wanted to receive flowers.  To some extent, I think flowers are sort of a waste because it's not something you can keep.  I'd much rather receive something that I could keep forever.  But, I guess it would still be sweet to receive flowers from the person you love.

But thinking about this, I remember something written somewhere in the tree hole mentioning bringing flowers.  Would she really have done it if circumstances allowed?

At some point in the past, I also wondered if she would have liked me to bring her flowers on her special day.  At some point, I considered doing it.

I'd say...the her I know would probably have the same view as me.

"Professionals"

In the last few years, we've always been taught that a "professional" is highly trained, highly competent, highly regulated, and must adhere to a code of conduct and code of ethics.

It's f**king amazing how irresponsible some so-called professionals can be.

Person 1 says they did A.
Person 2 has no idea what's going on.
Person 3 says they never did A.

Either somebody made a mistake, or somebody lied.  Both of which should not be happening considering the environment and the people.

Can't you people pay a little more attention and be a little more careful?

I remember someone telling me how amazing this place is, and how the people are very intelligent and competent.  But I'm sorry to say that I really don't see it, at least not with the people I've encountered.

Back to square one.
Back to uncertainty.
Back to......fear.

Going Home

Because of the job I'm on, I spent the week at the client's office instead of at our own office.  Being unfamiliar with the area, I used my intuition to take random routes home after work.

By chance, I came upon a "familiar" street.  I've never drove on this street before, nor did I know where it is until now.

I can remember the exact words of that voicemail message.

That was the one time that I made use of my special privileges.

There's something special about waiting for someone to come home, about opening the door for them, about being there to greet them.

Especially when it's not your house, but still your "home".

No Free Lunch

A raise comes with a price.

First work day of the year and I've been given a challenge.  I've been thrown to a client to complete a job all by myself.  This is the first time I'm doing this kind of job on my own, and it's the first time I need to deal with a client on my own, and there is a unspoken expectation that I get most of this done tomorrow.  It's a bit intimidating.

So now's my chance to prove that I can do this and that I'm worth what they pay me (and some more).

Let's hope I can pull this off.

2012 Outlook

This is amazingly optimistic in all the right ways.
If only I could believe it.
If only the stars would give me all the things that they owe me.

*sigh*

So lost.

Secrets Uncovered

Perhaps, even before I agreed to hanging out with this group last night, I knew that there were certain topics that would, inevitably, come up during the conversations. And, as expected, they did. I guess everyone has a certain amount of curiosity, especially when it's a 'niche' circle like this.

The last time I went out on New Year's Eve was many years ago. There was no countdown, nothing special, and we barely noticed when the clock struck 12am. But a lot of things happened that night, and it changed a lot of things in my life.

Last night, on New Year's Eve again, I went out with some friends. For the first time, I told a bit about what was started on that New Year's Eve many years ago. A rather strange (and somewhat awkward) experience. I thought I'd be okay talking about it with this group of people that (for the most part) I've judged to be trustworthy people, but it was harder than I thought.

Either I'm still very confused, or I'm a f*cking idiot whose making excuses for myself. I'm inclined to think it's a bit of both.

At the same time, the conversation brought up a lot of things for me to think about...

2011 Recap

It's been a heck of a year...

Finished school for a second time. The good is that I've added another credential to my name, although very few people will ever know what it is. The bad is that school days are really over now and it's time to move into the "real" world.

Work started out as the work term at the beginning of the year. That was more challenging than the first work term, but I did well enough to round myself a big bonus. Now, it's the real thing. Hard to believe that I've been working FT for almost 3 months now. The bad is I don't like working with a classmate that I'm not close with. The good is I have a lot more free time now.

Professionally, the exams are all done. Done and passed. This has been the most insanely stressful exam process I've ever gone through. So glad it's over. So glad that me and my two friends/classmates made it all the way through together and nobody got left behind. Perhaps, now is the time to think about what I will pursue (academically/professionally) next, if anything.

Socially, I think a lot of things have changed. There are people that were in my life this year that I know I'll probably never see again. There are people that have gone through a lot with me and I think we can be friends for life. And then there are people that I've developed a stronger or deeper or more meaningful friendship with than before. For the most part, I guess things have changed for the better.

Family-wise, I guess nothing has really changed. My impression is that the same problems and issues still exist. But then there are times when some things hint to me that perhaps it can get better. Maybe it's just me trying to be optimistic. Or, hopefully, time can really change some things.

Personally, it's been more down than up. I made several hopeless attempts in many different ways this year. All were a failure. Sometimes I don't know why I even bother to keep trying when it just gets harder every single time. But, I do admit, when I saw this person in front of me again for the first time in 5 years, it still got to me.

It's been quite a year, mentally and emotionally. But, overall, I guess it was still a good year.

Perhaps, 2012 will be better...