It's been an extremely frustrating week, in every way. So much so that I went to bed extremely early almost every night so that I didn't have to think.
Work sucks, and I'm feeling really stupid. This shouldn't have been that hard. I don't know why I've achieved so little these past two weeks. Maybe this file is just too much of a mess. Maybe I'm just incredibly confused by a certain topic. And because of all this, I'm actually looking forward to tax.
At home. Well. What can I say. Home stuff is always the most frustrating. Damned if you do. Damned if you don't. There's never a solution. There's never a satisfactory way to deal with things. And, of course, I'm always the one that's wrong. Now there will be another thing to hold against me.
Personally. I did what I needed to do after much hesitation, but got back a great response. Thank you to an awesome friend. It's been 20 years, and we've been together and apart numerous times. We might not hang out a lot, or even see or talk to each other a lot, but I think we've both confirmed for each other that we've got a deep friendship that will last.
Another convocation tomorrow. For some reason, these things always stress me out, and I never really want to go. Perhaps it's because I have other things at the back of my mind.
The Autoshow ends this weekend. For some strange reason, I had the urge to go this time around. A gut feeling that I should go. Not sure why. Bu there just hasn't been the time, nor will it happen these two days.
A work-less weekend. Likely the last until May.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
我有時覺得...
I've taken a liking for this song recently. Perhaps it's stupid. Perhaps I shouldn't. But it really does say it all.
麥浚龍 - 我有時覺得
作詞：黃偉文
作曲：柳重言
編曲：Jerald & His Dad
我慣了 倦透了 害怕了 就抱她
一歸家 外套也 沒有掛 就找她
忘了在那晚 我最愛的她
離別那樣突然 不像鬧情緒
過兩晚會歸家
我有時難免覺得 她好像尚在懷內
當一個人和 一個人 既愛又無奈
我有時還會妄想 她一樣放不開
我倆將來 尚有將來
最後不該 失散於人海
夠暖嗎 餓了嗎 倦了嗎 病了嗎
可惜她 已搬家 問了也 無答話
忘了在那晚 我最愛的她
眉目那樣絕情 不像在乎過
我會永遠等她
我有時難免覺得 她好像尚在懷內
當一個人和 一個人 既愛又無奈
我有時還會妄想 她一樣放不開
到了將來 至會歸來
這段分開 不過考驗愛
然後每日期盼開燈之際她回來
然後每日害怕傷心燈我也不開
我有時難免覺得 她好像尚在懷內
當一個人和 一個人 既愛又無奈
我有時還會妄想 她一樣放不開
到了將來 至會歸來
這段分開 不過考驗愛
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Just a little closer...
I thought today could pass by smoothly without letting things get to me. But, of course, like every other time, I was wrong.
Work was busy, so for the most part I could just focus on that. But somebody actually came and asked me what I was doing tonight. I really didn't need anyone to remind me that I'll be spending it alone.
While driving home from work, I stopped at the lights, right beside an ambulance. The driver was a girl. It reminded me of the time when she was getting her license. It reminded me of the times I sat in her car and watched her drive.
For certain reasons, I ended up at a familiar place tonight. I guess I didn't have to go, but it was an excuse for me to get a little closer to where I want to be. Although, it's never close enough to the real thing.
I can't help but wonder what she did today.
Did someone send her flowers? Did she send someone flowers? Did she write something sweet and poetic for someone? Was there someone there with her when I passed by? Did she spend the night with someone?
Did I ever cross her mind?
[......]...forever and a day.
Work was busy, so for the most part I could just focus on that. But somebody actually came and asked me what I was doing tonight. I really didn't need anyone to remind me that I'll be spending it alone.
While driving home from work, I stopped at the lights, right beside an ambulance. The driver was a girl. It reminded me of the time when she was getting her license. It reminded me of the times I sat in her car and watched her drive.
For certain reasons, I ended up at a familiar place tonight. I guess I didn't have to go, but it was an excuse for me to get a little closer to where I want to be. Although, it's never close enough to the real thing.
I can't help but wonder what she did today.
Did someone send her flowers? Did she send someone flowers? Did she write something sweet and poetic for someone? Was there someone there with her when I passed by? Did she spend the night with someone?
Did I ever cross her mind?
[......]...forever and a day.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Starry starry night...
I got off the bus this evening and made my five minute walk home. It was cold, but comfortably so. A bit of cold air to wake me up and to feel a bit more refreshed.
Perhaps the streets were a bit dark. For the first time in a while, I noticed the dark night sky. It was a surprisingly clear and starry night. It made me want to slow down and linger on the streets just a little longer, to enjoy the stars, to enjoy the darkness, to enjoy the calmness and peacefulness of the night.
Naturally, the first thing that came to mind was you.
You...wearing my mitts, with your scarf, and your unzipped jacket, walking beside me, down the cold winter streets.
Did you know that I always wanted to......?
It was a beautiful night. I would have liked to spend it with you, sitting by your window, looking out at the night sky.
Did you see the stars tonight?
Where have you gone, my shining star?
Perhaps the streets were a bit dark. For the first time in a while, I noticed the dark night sky. It was a surprisingly clear and starry night. It made me want to slow down and linger on the streets just a little longer, to enjoy the stars, to enjoy the darkness, to enjoy the calmness and peacefulness of the night.
Naturally, the first thing that came to mind was you.
You...wearing my mitts, with your scarf, and your unzipped jacket, walking beside me, down the cold winter streets.
Did you know that I always wanted to......?
It was a beautiful night. I would have liked to spend it with you, sitting by your window, looking out at the night sky.
Did you see the stars tonight?
Where have you gone, my shining star?
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Reading the stars...
My horoscopes are always so interesting.....
From Cainer:
Your Week Ahead - Love Focus: Are you being asked for something you cannot supply? Perhaps you are misunderstanding the question? Perhaps you are jumping to a conclusion about what someone wants or needs? There is now a strong celestial suggestion of strength. Whatever you truly require, you have either got or you can get. If it is necessary for you to fulfil another person's request, there has to be a way. Talk to someone you trust. Share your fears and your feelings. Remember, true romance is not about making an impression; it is about deepening a connection.
From Astrocenter.com:
Over this special week expect intrigue and plenty of drama. Things may not be as they seem, especially where friendship and romance are concerned. During this very romantic Valentine's period, you won't have much trouble getting noticed and finding someone to love. But don't get too hooked too quickly. A secret affair turns hot and heavy midweek, so watch out for that one. Someone has something to share with you over the weekend that could make you tingle all over.
If only there was some truth in these...
From Cainer:
Your Week Ahead - Love Focus: Are you being asked for something you cannot supply? Perhaps you are misunderstanding the question? Perhaps you are jumping to a conclusion about what someone wants or needs? There is now a strong celestial suggestion of strength. Whatever you truly require, you have either got or you can get. If it is necessary for you to fulfil another person's request, there has to be a way. Talk to someone you trust. Share your fears and your feelings. Remember, true romance is not about making an impression; it is about deepening a connection.
From Astrocenter.com:
Over this special week expect intrigue and plenty of drama. Things may not be as they seem, especially where friendship and romance are concerned. During this very romantic Valentine's period, you won't have much trouble getting noticed and finding someone to love. But don't get too hooked too quickly. A secret affair turns hot and heavy midweek, so watch out for that one. Someone has something to share with you over the weekend that could make you tingle all over.
If only there was some truth in these...
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Verdict
Another strange strange dream. It must be a mix of my (subconscious) thoughts and life and that book I was reading.
A very grand church or cathedral.
A priest or monk figure of some kind.
Accusations.
Condemnations.
And me...trying to save/redeem myself and the person by my side.
It must be all those things that are significant to me. It must be my mischievous thoughts. It must be my deep down fears.
How does the story end? People being burned alive like in the book? Or a happy ending with the people that matter? I have no idea, nor can I see it down the road.
A very grand church or cathedral.
A priest or monk figure of some kind.
Accusations.
Condemnations.
And me...trying to save/redeem myself and the person by my side.
It must be all those things that are significant to me. It must be my mischievous thoughts. It must be my deep down fears.
How does the story end? People being burned alive like in the book? Or a happy ending with the people that matter? I have no idea, nor can I see it down the road.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Maybe I know you...
Most (if not all) social networking sites have a "People You May Know" function. It, indeed, does list a whole lot of people that I know in some way or form, but not necessarily people I'd like to connect with. For the most part, the people on those lists are (1) people I knew a long time ago; (2) people I met briefly and have contacts for; (3) people that I don't know but have mutual friends. Generally, I rarely add people from that "People You May Know" list.
When I signed into my account on a particular site today, the "People You May Know" list put a new name at the top of my list. That person had "just" joined the site.
Yea...I may know this person...but the site has marked this person as "out of your network"...
I know this person didn't just join. I know there's been an account there for a month or two. I've visited the page several times and tried to piece together what little information there is. But for whatever reason, the computer now suddenly thinks I should be connected to this person.
The irony is...as much as I'd like to, I cannot hit that "add" or "connect" button.
So close, yet so far.
So far, yet so close.
But, more importantly, even if I can't directly connect or see everything that's contained there, I just really want to know what's going on.
What I see makes me worried...
When I signed into my account on a particular site today, the "People You May Know" list put a new name at the top of my list. That person had "just" joined the site.
Yea...I may know this person...but the site has marked this person as "out of your network"...
I know this person didn't just join. I know there's been an account there for a month or two. I've visited the page several times and tried to piece together what little information there is. But for whatever reason, the computer now suddenly thinks I should be connected to this person.
The irony is...as much as I'd like to, I cannot hit that "add" or "connect" button.
So close, yet so far.
So far, yet so close.
But, more importantly, even if I can't directly connect or see everything that's contained there, I just really want to know what's going on.
What I see makes me worried...
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
My Illicit Affair
The TV show I was watching had (1) a son with a gf that his mother did not approve of; and (2) a daughter having an affair with a married man.
Both the son and the daughter had huge arguments with the mother:
"我係你阿媽就有權管你."
"你究竟知唔知咩係岩咩係錯?"
"你點解要拆散人地個家庭?"
"你為左個女人咁樣對阿媽!"
It sounds all too familiar. I've heard it all before, and other things that are worse and more nasty and more hurtful.
So, I guess what this means is...
In some people's eyes, what I have/had is (worse than) an illicit affair.
Both the son and the daughter had huge arguments with the mother:
"我係你阿媽就有權管你."
"你究竟知唔知咩係岩咩係錯?"
"你點解要拆散人地個家庭?"
"你為左個女人咁樣對阿媽!"
It sounds all too familiar. I've heard it all before, and other things that are worse and more nasty and more hurtful.
So, I guess what this means is...
In some people's eyes, what I have/had is (worse than) an illicit affair.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Giving away my secrets...
For whatever reason, all the bad things always happen at the worse possible times. Of the 365 days in the year, this conversation had to take place today. If only I had 'luck' like this all the time.
You can call me selfish. You can call me greedy. But my actions are more than words. You're entitled to your opinion, but I'm also entitled to mine. I've done more than expected in a way you dislike. In the end, I don't see how there's a difference between what I did and what you want.
If I was selfish, I would not still be here today. If I was selfish, I wouldn't be giving you more than you expect. If I was selfish, I would have left 6 years ago.
All along, I've been wondering what you're thinking and whether you've had a change of mind/heart. Today, I finally know.
You say I have many secrets. Perhaps that's true. But the secrets only exist because you refuse to hear the truth. If you could listen to me and accept what I say, there would be no need for secrets, and I would gladly share the ups and downs with you. But after all these years, you still refuse to see things my way. You leave me no choice but to keep playing this game and keeping my secrets.
Perhaps there are things you know without me even saying it. You will think whatever you want, even though I chose not to admit or deny anything today. Your thinking is correct, and you know exactly why. In the end, we both know very well what the issue is and what's going on right now. Things are just waiting to happen, and one of these days, it's all going to explode.
I tried to brush this all off today and not let it get to me, but that never seems to work. Certain things that were said today keeps coming back in my head. Perhaps it's because some of it was really upsetting.
But I know what bugs me most is that I have nothing. I destroyed my relationship with one person in hopes of saving another, only to see both sides abandon me. In the end, I've lost both sides and am worse off than before.
Worth it? I have no idea where this is taking me. A part of me is stuck in time, holding on to something dear to the heart. A part of me wants to give up on everything and simply walk the rest of the journey alone. In the end, perhaps it doesn't make a difference.
You can call me selfish. You can call me greedy. But my actions are more than words. You're entitled to your opinion, but I'm also entitled to mine. I've done more than expected in a way you dislike. In the end, I don't see how there's a difference between what I did and what you want.
If I was selfish, I would not still be here today. If I was selfish, I wouldn't be giving you more than you expect. If I was selfish, I would have left 6 years ago.
All along, I've been wondering what you're thinking and whether you've had a change of mind/heart. Today, I finally know.
You say I have many secrets. Perhaps that's true. But the secrets only exist because you refuse to hear the truth. If you could listen to me and accept what I say, there would be no need for secrets, and I would gladly share the ups and downs with you. But after all these years, you still refuse to see things my way. You leave me no choice but to keep playing this game and keeping my secrets.
Perhaps there are things you know without me even saying it. You will think whatever you want, even though I chose not to admit or deny anything today. Your thinking is correct, and you know exactly why. In the end, we both know very well what the issue is and what's going on right now. Things are just waiting to happen, and one of these days, it's all going to explode.
I tried to brush this all off today and not let it get to me, but that never seems to work. Certain things that were said today keeps coming back in my head. Perhaps it's because some of it was really upsetting.
But I know what bugs me most is that I have nothing. I destroyed my relationship with one person in hopes of saving another, only to see both sides abandon me. In the end, I've lost both sides and am worse off than before.
Worth it? I have no idea where this is taking me. A part of me is stuck in time, holding on to something dear to the heart. A part of me wants to give up on everything and simply walk the rest of the journey alone. In the end, perhaps it doesn't make a difference.
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