The Gap

My classmate/coworker was excitedly telling us how she met a guy at a party over the weekend.  She then hesitated, and seemed to be sort of ashamed, and mentioned that he's much older than her.  The person beside me asked how old.  38.

Naturally, it's got me thinking about my own things.

26 vs 38.  Is that a big difference?  If you ask me, of course not.  It's all just a number game.  I would never be the one to judge.

As X used to say, I'm more mature than my actual age, she's more childish than her actual age, and so we meet perfectly somewhere in between.  I loved hearing that.

But when I look back, perhaps the age difference was part of the problem.  As much as I hate to say this, perhaps I never fully understood her needs and wants because there were things that I had never experienced before.  The reality is that there were so many restrictions in my life at that age that I could not give her what she needed and wanted.  At her age, stage and status, she really had no reason to endure all the sh*t I put her through.  Why would she want to be with me, some "kid" who can't take charge of her own life?

Or...perhaps...it's not the age difference...it's just me.

Green Shades

Every day, on my way to work and going home, I walk through the underground tunnel and pass by a small art gallery/shop.  It's always an interesting place to pass, because the things inside are always changing.  Every now and then, there are some pretty cool art pieces there.

What never changes, and what captures my attention the most, is not the art pieces, but this banker's lamp.

This one has a round base.  It's not quite the same as the one I've seen elsewhere, but the green lamp shade still has that same feeling to it.

If it was for sale, and if I had somewhere to put it, I would buy it.

Marching On...

Every time I walked by LS office this week, I felt sorry for him.

Every time I walked by his office, I noticed him working away at his desk, in his casual sportswear, with his glasses on.  On and off, I've been working at this office for over a year, and I know that that's not the usual LS.

Being the man that carries most of the weight in the office at this time of the year, losing a brother and losing a week of time in the middle of April is probably the worst thing that could possibly happen for him.  Perhaps he's working hard to catch up, meet the deadlines, and live up to his clients' expectations.

Or, perhaps, as a bunch of us discussed before, he's working away to distract himself.

Whatever it is, I hope he's alright.

That's life.  You can go through the worst times of your life, yet you still have to suck it up, keep marching and pretend that everything's just fine.

Still Strumming...

Haphazardly, I've come across a piece of you again...

Taylor Guitars GS Mini Reduced Scale Grand Symphony Acoustic Guitar

I'm glad to see that you're still into playing your guitar, because I love(d) watching you play, because you've got a certain charm when you're playing your instruments.

I could sit around and watch you play all day, anytime.

(Actually, I could sit around with you doing nothing all day, anytime, and it'd be the best thing in the world.)

If you'd let me, I'd dish out the cash to buy it for you any day.

*sigh*

Wish

I wish I had a magic wand

To rebuild that special bond.

I wish you'd bring me flowers

And give me a few lasting hours.

I wish I could be with you

When everything in life seems so blue.

I wish I could have the honour

Of spending the day with you

And saying I love you too.

Forever and a day......

[................]

----------------------------------------------------

On a night when people expect me to be out having fun, I went to bed.  Perhaps I was tired from working until 11pm every night this week.  But perhaps I was also avoiding something.

I had a wish today.  I had hoped that, maybe, when I left work today......

Why would I be stupid enough to think that?

These two days there's been a couple of anonymous calls to the house.  They went into the answering machine but nobody said anything.  For whatever reason, something makes me wonder......

Of the 800+ songs on my iPod, certain ones came up today while I was driving to and from work.  I listen to them all the time, but for some reason, today, they made my eyes watery.

We never did get the chance to spend the day together......

If you read this, would you see what I did and remember what you wrote?

*sigh*

4/13

I saw three female medics today, and couldn't help but think of you.

Some years ago, on this day......

Could we ever......?

Hippo Re-visited

While the car is getting fixed, they gave us a rental car to use.

Coincidentally, it's a Nissan Sentra.

I can't drive the car because the rental doesn't have my name on it, but I did ride in it the other day.  It looks pretty different now, but the features inside are still pretty much the same.  The controls, the glove compartment, the sound of the signaling lights......all so familiar.

I wish I could drive it, and see what it feels like.  Although, I guess it's not really comparable considering this one's automatic and the one I'm familiar with was manual.  But still would be nice.

When I got off the highway at a certain location today, I noticed the car behind me was sort of going really slow and keeping a distance.  From the rear view mirror, it looked like a Mazda.  For some reason, the gut feeling in me thought something......

But...what are the chances?

Hidden Elements

These readings always seem to be so interesting......

"...something that you have known for a while but were too scared to share...

"...reveal previously hidden elements of your life..."

When I came home last night, I noticed something in my room had been "moved".  I suspect that I've left something telling sort of lying around.  Perhaps I've caused myself a bit of trouble.

Nothing yet.  But as usual, this is just a big game of hide and seek.  Time to be extra careful.

#2

I f**ked up.
Again.

10 years, and this is the second time.

And I don't even know how it happened.

If I hadn't ventured away from my normal route, this never would have happened.

Completely out of it today. Even my friend/coworker could tell I was frazzled. But all I got was more work and more challenges.

At many point in time today, I really wanted to let go. But the office is not the place to show your weak side. There's too much on the line.

Suck it up. Put on a brave face. And keep charging forward.

At times like this, I can't help but remember how nice it was to have someone in my life. Someone to lean on. Someone to hug. Someone to take the weight off. Someone who will always convince me that things are gonna be okay.

"Are you okay?"

Yea.
Just fine.
As always.

Tomorrow's another day.

Brain Washed

Amazing how something you read can mess with your mind.

Before going to bed last night, I read my horoscope for today:

"The fixed Leo Moon's presence in your 4th House of Home and Family turns up the heat on a domestic issue. It's tricky to express your feelings today if they are contrary to what everyone else is experiencing, but denying them will only add to the tension. You may be tempted to avoid facing a difficult situation, but you will feel better if you confront it sooner than later."

Obviously, that led me to think of one very specific thing.

Last night I had a dream. I don't know what the conversation was about, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that at some point in time, my mother said something very strange. She hinted at the fact that she knew something that I was hiding and lying about, but she also revealed that she was now willing to accept it.

If only that really could happen.

Clearly, this is contrary to what everyone thinks, it's something hard to express, and it's something that's adding tension. And perhaps, in some ways, I am avoiding the situation even though I know it would be better to confront it sooner than later.

The irony...