S.O.B.

Cruising down a familiar route on a sunny Saturday spring evening, rushing to a familiar area.

Most of the times I've gone this route I was in a rush.  Either rushing to a place that feels most like home, or rushing back to my real so-called home.

Rushing...because I wanted to spend more time at my haven...or because I've spent too much time at my haven, and need to play my role, and get back to where I should be.

I've always sped down this route, because the layout makes you so inclined.  A 60 zone, but it seems I always get up to 80 or 90.  Until I reach the downhill, and remember a voice.

The voice has saved me many times.

I almost forgot how heart-wrenching and suffocating this journey has become.  Is it my body being weak today?  Or the flashbacks that give me this S.O.B. feeling?

Thank goodness for some good company tonight to (at least temporarily) take my mind away.

Epitome

Organized the bookmarks in my browser and came across a blog that I saved...

Haven't read that blog in a while.  Interestingly, I think I read something that relates to me.  And then I came across a word......

Epitome.

I very clearly remember where I first saw this word and in what context, because when I read that passage, I felt like a f**king idiot and regretted a bunch of things.  I ruined something that could have been so much more.  That passage is gone, but I know exactly what it said.

That thought led me to another blog.  And, of course, I can't help but (re)read what's there.

June...July...but, of course, there's no August.

It...still....gets to me....and very much so.

[.................]...forever and a day...

5/14

今日有d痴線...

From here onward...

Sat down for lunch and drinks with my two study buddies.

Somehow or other, we started talking about the exams we wrote last year.  (Hard to believe that they were like a year ago already...so fast.)  One of them mentioned that we'll always have these exams to remember and talk about for the rest of our lives.

That's not quite what I was thinking.  It's more than that.

When I think about the exams from last year, I'm reminded that I've made two lifelong friends.  We've seen the best and worst of each other (to some degree, at least).  We've complained.  We've vented.  We've laughed.  We've argued (a lot).  We've gone through a few very significant life events together.  But most of all, we know we get each other, and that we can argue and it won't matter, because in the end, it'll all be okay.

They're good people, and we make an awesome team.  (Work would be a lot easier if they were the ones working with me. =_=)

But...having said that...I'm still reluctant to let them know any more about the other parts of my life.  In the end, I'm still not sure how well that would go.  And at this point, there really is no need to share too much.

Ironically, the people who know the most personal things are, perhaps, the ones that I spend relatively little time with.  I guess, it's a different kind of relationship.  I guess, I trust them for other reasons.  And I'm pretty confident that they would not betray me.

Flashback #9781376

Accidentally stumbled in front of a certain place today...

I didn't even realize that that's where I was until I saw the signs.

I've never been back to that place.  Nor do I want to.  At least, not like this.

A silent walk.
A chat in the car.
A card and gift.
A lingering meal.

Me...nervous about a promise I made...

And an embrace...that changed everything...more than I could ever imagine.

I think...

...there's a problem.